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Ok, so I have perused the boards on the Knot and WeddingChannel a few times and keep reading about people who send out response cards, and have them sent back with an affirmative reply for the invitee AND also include a “yes” on behalf of people who are *not* invited to the wedding. The thing is–I cannot believe* this happens.
I know I have, a few times in the past, been somewhat bummed to have been invited to a wedding sans guest, but it never once occurred to me to RSVP and respond that I, and a guest, would be attending. I mean…
Because I have been a bridesmaid a few times, looked on as many a good friend planned a wedding, and never once did I hear of someone RSVP’ing and saying that they were bringing a person (or child) not on the invitation envelope.
With that said, I am inviting every single person to my wedding with a guest. I realize it’s expensive, and not an option for everyone, but one thing Mr. Daisy and I always bore in mind was that we wanted to do this. This is not to besmirch anyone who doesn’t invite all peeps with a “+ 1″– weddings are f’n expensive and this simply cannot always be done. My reasons for doing it are mostly because– having spent the majority of my twenties sans serious boyfriend– I know from experience how much I sometimes resented having someone else determine for me whether my relationship (nascent or longstanding) merited that “and guest” designation or not. (Does this make me bitter? Perhaps, un peu…)
Of course, there are a few couples on our list that have children who will *not* be invited to our wedding but I don’t really see them trying to RSVP for the little ones, I’m really just trying to figure out if it’s actually possible that *anyone* would think it ok to bring someone despite the absence of their name (or “and guest”) from the invite.
Ladies? i know you must have thoughts on this one!
~~~
* ok, intellectually I get that it *can* happen, but who does this?!?
An old friend sent his wedding invite to my parents house (my old house) and it was addressed to “Becky and guest” - my parents opened it out of curiosity to see the invite and because our families are friends they assumed they were invited too. So did my sister. (our families still hang out but this was supposed to be a wedding of 40 guests total) That was tough to work out. 
we allowed all our guests to bring guests because at least half were from out of town, and we couldn’t imagine having someone come from far away and not be able to bring a guest. but we only invited close friends and family (we had just under 100 total attending even with their guests).
one thing that did bother me was 3 people who rsvp’d for guests didn’t bring them. so we had to pay for dinners for people we didn’t even know. alas.
i’ve heard of people writing in guests or worse - just showing up with them on the wedding day. i guess some people just think the rules don’t apply to them… or they just don’t care. but this seems to happen more often in cultures (like asian) where rsvp’ing is not standard practice. hopefully this won’t happen to you. =)
My sister’s sister and brother -in-law (huh? her husband’s sister and her hubby) rsvp-ed with their 1 1/2 year old son. … and frankly, they live in the city and make good $$, so they could have just gotten a baby sitter.
but whatever, my neices and nephews would be there so what’s one more little kiddie. … and unlike my neices and nephews, this boy is an angel — if he was a screaming terror, I might have said something.
Most of my guests ask me before hand if they can bring a guest…
I guess it’s better than just adding a guest name unto a RSVP card without explanation.
happened to me! and not with just that one special person. one guest is bringing a date when she was invited solo. another guest is bringing his parents!!!
OH MY GOD! This is happening to me and I haven’t even sent invites yet!
This is supposed to be an adults only affair, no kids-the reception is in a museum-and my family and friends have been spreading the word-many of my family members have called me and my parents and said “well, just my kids, etc, etc…” I had to buy insurance with the museum!
How come no doesn’t mean no?
How can people be so ignorant?
we had an adult reception, so no kids were invited. this was very hard for our former pastor. he made it seem like we didn’t care about the kids… which was not true… but open bar per head (including kids) was just not a great idea financially.
i know people who have NOT planned a wedding really look at it as “it’s sucks” mentality. they only realize once they start planning.
i think people just have to be sensible.
this has been my experience. the past 3 weddings i’ve been invited to, the “1″ was already written on the rsvp card. i was totally single when i rec’d the invitation so the pre-filled card made sense (aka i wasn’t offended) and to me, definitely made it ‘crystal clear’ that i was to attend SOLO and not bring a straggler guest that could cost the wedders a surprise extra $200. that’s a suggestion if you want to really alleviate any confusion on who and how many people can bring. i can’t imagine anyone crossing out the “1″ or “2″ that you put for them and filling in the ‘# of guests’ on their own. because that would be acky-tay.
as a guest…here’s what i’m going through. ok so i’ve recently become a GF. there are two weddings i’m attending this year. one in l.a. and another in boston later this fall. the l.a. wedding is going to be one of those monstrous 500-750 people weddings with a korean buffet. there will not be any place settings and table numbers. since i’ve recently become a GF, i’ve been wondering…should i bring my BF? i’ve asked around and the general concensus is…just bring him. i’ve thought about it a lot since i don’t want to step on any toes but with the assurance of everyone that his addition will go unnoticed among the throngs of people expected to attend, i’m going to take him along. and basically, if the food runs out (as it does often at these kinds of weddings), i’ll let him have my piece of cake.
as for the boston wedding, i asked my friend ahead of time if i could bring along the BF. ahead of time meaning even before i rec’d her invitation. i’ve known about the wedding since last year…when i was still ‘totally single’. (i’m located in l.a.) i assured her that i understood any cost restraints and that it would be absolutely a-ok if he wasn’t allowed to come. fortunately, it seemed she was delightfully surprised at me having a BF and is welcoming his attendance. this wedding is also a huge wedding. chinese banquet. 400-500+ people.
anyways, i think some basic understanding and extra consideration by the guests for the wedders (and their wallets) is a must. as for the wedders, they should take steps to avoid having (non)invitees crash the party. but even if some do slip through the cracks, remember that even perfection has its standard deviation. and enjoy your wedding day!!! 
My godmother sent back her RSVP…and a separate card with names and addresses of other people I should invite but might not have. Is that not fantastic? I didn’t know what to do. They are her family members, and I’ve never laid eyes on them. My parents barely knew those people (her children and grown grandchildren). I think she was trying to help me out — apparetnly my paretns attended the granddaughter’s wedding, so maybe my god mother felt someone “owed” someone a gift. I’m not sure I’mgoing to do anything.
That is so rude! If it happened to me, I’d actually inform the invitee that she/he unfortunately cannot bring that additional person. If someone is rude enough to do something this ridiculous in the first place, then why should I have to feel bad to be blunt enough and tell it like it is. Good thing my wedding will be small and mainly just the families and closest friends.
as a longtime GF (and now FI), i have never been offended when the invite was addressed to just me — the couple are my friends; i know they’re not trying to hurt my feelings or judge my relationship as “worthy” or not.
FI and i already had the “and guest” discussion, and we simply cannot afford it. so now i have to be the one calling people and trying to find a kind and gentle way to say, “sorry, no guest” if someone returns a “+1″ rsvp.
I’m really worried about that happening at my wedding–we have really tight space constraints; 125 guests will really be pushing it (I’m inviting 125 and assuming that if the usual 20-ish percent RSVP “not attending” then we’re off the hook). I absolutely don’t have space for all my college friends’ flames of the moment, and no qualms about inviting them solo (since they all know and like each other). My response cards read “____of ___ will attend” or “___regretfully decline”, with the second blank filled in with 1, 2, 4, whatever number *I* fill in. I can’t see anyone putting in that “2 of 1 will attend” or anything like that, and if they do, well, I’m bossy–I’ll explain the situation and remain firm in my decision (note, I say this waaay before I’ll actually be having to do any of this :-D).
I couldn’t imagine anyone deliberately going against the number of guests clearly stated on the invitation–couldn’t be more rude if they tried!
Although people KNOW it’s rude — they don’t care! I have already had people telling ME how many people they wish to bring — and this isn’t even until March 2008!
I even had one brazen person tell me HER child would not be attending the junior reception I am hosting for the kids — that she could leave her child alone with anyone she didn’t personally know, and so said child would be attending the adult reception with her. Said child is like 5 now, so will be 7 when the event takes place.
Um, no.
I suggested to her that if she could not bear to leave her son with anyone else, perhaps they should stay together — at home.
I refuse to have my affair taken over by rude, obnoxious people who wouldn’t recognize proper etiquette if it came and bit them on the behind.
Mrs. Rose don’t play that.
This phenomena, even more than the kids/no kids issue, frigtens the crap out of me.
Everyone I know who has been married in the last 10 years has had this problem with at least one person bringing an uninvited date.
freaks me out. People are that dumb? Adults?
So very incredibly frustrating and annoying. I never even thought this could happen till it happened to me and I noticed posts on theknot.com about this very same scenario. Unfortunately for us, the two of us are gutless wonders and just chalking up the extra uninvited who the hell are the these extra people (cuz people just put so and so plus 4, no names). Sadly, I don’t think they even realize even though the RSVP has a blank space to fill in the number of attendees, they can’t just add more people than those addressed to on the invite. I wish I could say something and if it was my family I would but since it’s his I can’t. Why? Because I’m wuss, hate confrontation, and don’t want to be labelled a bridezilla.
Wow, you must be spying on my wedding conversations at home!! This happened to me TWICE this week, and our invitations haven’t even gone out yet… Very, very close friends of our family are “trying to figure out” how to get their (4 and 9 year old) sons to the east coast from Calif. for our wedding because they “know how much the boys mean” to me! !?!?!? THEN, my uncle (dad’s bro) called my parents this weekend to tell them the “good news” … that his girlfriend of approx. 47 minutes is free to come to the wedding! When my mom responded with …. “Uh, I think you need to talk to [bride]….” he said, “Well, I’m invited with a guest, aren’t I?” The nerve! But, like 2ingkos above me, I too don’t want to confrontational and snotty, and if having guests or bringing children makes others who will be celebrating my wedding with me happy, I guess that’s the answer.
I am including the line “We have reserved ___ seat(s) in your honor” on the rsvp card to hopefully avoid any issues with this. We are hoping to have a small-ish wedding, around 100 guests. We are probably going to end up a little over that at this point, since fiance’s step-mom sprung 15 extra people on us this week. I’m hoping the fact that it is a Friday evening wedding might deter some of these people. I’ve been informing people from day one that unless you’ve been with someone for a while you aren’t getting a guest. If I look at the guests during our ceremony I want to see people who care about me looking back, not a bunch of strangers. We have a tight budget, but costs aside why would I feel the need to celebrate the most important moment in my life with people I’ve never even met before?
Mrs. Rose, you’ve got the exact spitfire responce that i plan on having should any of these non-invitee issues *actually* arise (as opposed to just in my head).
the thing is, i can see someone calling and asking if they can bring a guest. i *cannot* see just sending in a card and with no permission, deciding how much a) the bride is willing to spend on her wedding and b) how much space her venue has. for reals!
i see now though that maybe this *did* happen to my friends and they just never mentioned it, because–wow–this sure does seem a common occurrence. (and, still, one i can barely believe.)
i have let some friends/family who have kids know that we were incuding kids at the day-after brunch, but not at the wedding, which is a Saturday night, formal affair. none of them had a problem though (to my knowledge anyway–i may yet be in a for a surprise, i suppose!)
others (from out-of-town) never even assumed kids were included and asked for NY babysitter referrals, while my big (sorority) sister from Va. told me she had booked two hotel rooms and was bringing her nanny so we wouldn’t have to worry about helping her find a sitter for her three kids. (she’s since decided to leave them in Va. though…)
What’s the rule for save the dates? I recently received one for a New Year’s wedding addressed only to me. Do most people put the couple’s names on the save the dates if they’re both invited? I’ve been with my BF for 6+ years and he’s friends with the bride, but I’m not going to bring him if he’s not invited since I can understand it’s completely rude. In fact, I’m considering not attending…who wants to spend New Year’s alone at a out of town wedding where you only know two people?
Beth, my wedding planner told me that the Save-the-Dates go to “and guests” where we knew the proper name of the to-be-guest (i.e. a friend’s sig other) and then that actual name went on the save-the-date envelope.
but where the “and guest” was to be a guest to-be-determined later (an actual “Miss Daisy and Guest” rather than:
“Miss Daisy
Mr. Howell”)
then we ought to just put the name of the party we know. does that make sense?
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Mrs. Daisy, New York Age and Occupation: 32, Attorney Fiance's Age and Occupation: 32, Finance Engagement Date: December 10, 2005 Wedding Date: November 11, 2006 Blogging Since: June 7, 2006 Venue: Metropolitan Club About Me: My favorite activities used to include knitting, cooking, doing the crossword puzzle and about a million other relaxing pursuits. Since my engagement, well, not so much. Wedding planning has become my primary hobby. So much so that I am downgrading my work schedule to part-time in order to more fully dedicate myself to my wedding (and reality tv, as well, if I'm being honest).
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