Confessions of a Groom
July 27th, 2006 @ 4:42 pm by Mr. Bee
I wrote this post a long time ago but thought it was too controversial to post. But Mrs. Bee says that we should publish it anyway, so I am publishing it here under protest. I hope that you all don’t hate me after reading this.
I have enjoyed reading about wedding planning from a female perspective. I have to admit, it is very different from the traditional male perspective. So I thought I’d share how one man (me) experienced the wedding planning process.
Men are very different. For most men, we don’t really care very much about the wedding in and of itself. Well actually when Mrs. Bee and I first started planning the wedding, I was pretty excited to plan out a nice day. However, the number of decisions and details required quickly overwhelmed me - and I realized that I didn’t care enough to make the effort to plan out the sort of wedding that I had visualized. So in my mind’s eye, I started fantasizing about a ceremony at City Hall followed by a small intimate dinner (something along the lines of what ended up being our Rehearsal Dinner). I had the good sense not to suggest this as an option.
We men end up caring about the wedding of course, but for very different reasons than you women. We don’t really care about the details of the wedding. But we end up caring, for three very specific reasons:
- We care about your happiness. Because it is so important to you, it is important to us.
- We care that our friends and family will be there. So it’s important not to be embarrassed or look bad.
- We care how much this will all cost. Nuff said.
I’m pretty sure it bothered Mrs. Bee that I didn’t care enough about these details. I thought I gave a lot of mindshare overall though, relative to how much I actually cared in general. I am good at making decisions, so after Mrs. Bee would do the research, I Would help her make the final call. I know that didn’t make up for my lack of interest though. Over time, I got less and less involved and Mrs. Bee just made all the decisions herself.
Overall, I give myself a C- for my wedding involvement. My grade would be lower, but I was very supportive overall - which I define as not objecting too much over the cost of the wedding (I can not stress enough how shocking the cost of everything was. It’s been over a year, and I am still in shock!). But Mrs. Bee just enjoyed wedding planning so much, it was clear that she had found one of her life passions (which turned into a career, much to our mutual delight!). But when it came to the little todos, I learned that I should either be totally involved or not at all. Too often, Mrs. Bee felt she had to run decisions by me and I ended up as yet another obstacle in the decision making process.
Maybe this is just how me and my guy friends think about weddings. Is your future husband truly into the wedding planning process?
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22 Responses to “Confessions of a Groom”
why would this be controversial!?! THIS IS NORMAL MAN BEHAVIOR!!!! 
Mr. Rose is just as involved as you were Mr. Bee, and I actually give him an A! His support, his love and his wish to see me happy (and some assistance with some of the DIY assembly) are all I ask of him; he gives input if I ask, but is not crazy enough to get in the midst of my mad wedding planning!
I think if you were there for Mrs. Bee, gave support and love, you did fine! You get an A from me!
This isn’t related to the topic at hand but…under ‘Bloggers’, there’s no section for Mr. Bloggers?…
lol yes that’s true. we will add one soon. =) also i think mr. bee protests that his blogs are categorized under “bride’s journal.” but tags are coming soon and that’ll fix the problem.
Thank you for your honesty. I think sharing this even though it’s a universal “understanding” about men should shed some light on some brides who might feel frustrated or upset in the “lack fo effort” from the groom. I think being able to admit this and sharing this understanding, there can be some compromise that can be reached on both sides.
Ha…truly in the wedding planning process…that’s a negative. He volunteered to help with DIY, as soon as he took a look at the list he quickly withdrew his offer. He now says he will help with any decisions that I am deadlocked with, other than that…he wants to have fun the day of!!
no one will ever truly understand the arguments and disagreements over the effort put into wedding planning until they get engaged and start planning a wedding. it is a sad reality, but men just honestly dont know how to plan. there’s too many details and too many choices - and no matter how successful they are in life/job/anything else that requires decision making and research - for wedding planning, men just shut down.
but at least you gave yourself a C-. hahahahaha. that’s honest. i think its infuriating when a man is really a C-, but THINKS he deserves an A!!!
I wonder if we could meet in the middle–grooms more involved in the planning and brides less worried about perfection. Ten years from now, what will you remember, the exact color of your linens or the fun you had with your husband planning the celebration of your love?
Now that’s controversial!
my future hubby is just like you…very supportive,
i agree with Suzy. Well said! And so true!
Hey Mr. Bee, I think you should get a better grade. It is awesome that the wedding details were important to you because they were important to Mrs. Bee. That just shows how much you care about her!!
My hubby-to-be is just like you! Sometimes his jaw drops when he hears how much things cost… but even then, I can tell he just wants me to be happy.
Sometimes I even think that the men have it together–more than us girls…
Early on when we were deciding whether or not to get wedding insurance.. we were pondering about the things that could go wrong… But he concluded that we didn’t need it because quote “As long as at the end of the day, I’m married to you, that’s good enough for me”
Sometimes thinking about what he said back then helps me to not freak out about details.
Ps. I LOVE your Mr. Bee character.
you 3 points were right now point… my hubby was very involved… not in the details but on the cost aspect of the wedding… i told him what i wanted & he got it for me by researching different sites, vendors, etc.
Im actually very lucky I think I have loved wedding planning since I was a child I always wanted to be a wedding planner (I even interned as one) So needless to say I love planning my wedding I also, like most brides, and obsessed with the little details Well I recently started a new job so Ive been very busy with work and school My fiance however is a high school teacher so he is free for the summer So I put him to work and he has taken to it quite well So far we have finisghed favors, he has finished menus, and he is working on placecards (Im helping with that when I can) and the programs Im so happy he has been so helpful since my new job stops me from doing as much as Id want
mr. bee you are spot on! And that’s ok! let’s be honest now, many ladies (not me) dream of their wedding day their whole life, men usually do not. That being said….i’d imagine if the bride-to-be started doing research and began coming up with ideas and their fiance didn’t like them or had very different opinions, then we’d have trouble.
My fiance has the exact same attitude - he cares about my happiness first and foremost and there are just not too many details he particularly feels that strongly about that he’d want to potentially jepordize my happiness over….except cost, especially because he works in finance.
I know he’ll enjoy reading your post…:) Thanks!
awe.. you’re underevaluating yourself! my fiance is just like you too.. overall he doesn’t care too much of the details because it overwhelms him, but that’s okay with me, because i don’t mind looking at the details, but when i need him to help me make a decision or to buy supplies for my diy project, he’s there..
I think in my fiance’s eye i am a true bridezilla! Haha. I’ve been the “rush, rush, rush” person since the day after we got engaged. Meanwhile he’s the laid back, “it can wait” type of person. As far as input, he is like most of the other fiances; “Whatever makes you happy hunnie.” I don’t know if i like that response all that much though. It’s OUR wedding not just mine!
I am reading this to my new husband and he is nodding his head and saying, “true, true..” as if its the gospel. When I got to the”We care how much this will all cost” part, he cried out, “Amen!”
I think that you are getting some verification from the men here.
I’m sure most of the guys will agree with you. i know my fiance does. but you’re so right about caring for our happiness. i was totally unhappy with our choice with the photographer and wanted to back out on our contract, and fiance was totally ok b/c he wanted me to be happy. (no, we didn’t back out on our contract, it would be too big of a lost. i came to my senses)
also, the groom just need to agree with the bride’s choice when we come to you for input. most of us already have our mines made up when we come to you for your input. haha
My fiance is jsut like you, Mr. Bee. Before reading this, I answered Mrs. Bee’s poll. At first, I was quickly goign to put down involved too little, but then I thought…I LOVE wedding planning. I have visions and if he didn’t agree and I had to change, I would be less than thrilled. I’d do it, but I would still be lusting after my visions. So I ended up putting that he is involved just right.
Right now he’s only around for my “presentations” and vendor meetings. The only other thing I’m hoping for is that he will help with a few DIY projects. If he does help, I have to remember not to micromanage him and not be upset if it isn’t “skichik perfect.” For this reason, I’ll probably end up soing everything myself : )
You definitely get more credit than a C- for being supportive!!
I think I may have a different experience than some. My fiance wants me to run every little detail by him before making any decisions. He’s more artistic than I am, which is a definite plus! I told him that I would be fine with just going to City Hall…but he’d have none of that!
Mr. Bee
Age and Occupation: 32, Internet
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Weddingbee Publisher/Editor
Engagement Date: May 7, 2004
Wedding Date: March 5, 2005
Venue: Westside Loft, New York
About Me: I am Mrs. Bee's husband.
My future husband is pretty much exactly what you described! He always says he just wants me to be happy, so whatever I decide is fine with him. Also, he cares about how much it’s costing, but I think I’m more paranoid about that than he is (I’m a pessimist *although I prefer “realist”*, and he just keeps telling me in his optimistic way that “it will all work out”).