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Dear Weddingbee,
I am not a bride to be (I am far too young in my opinion!), but a very good friend of mine is getting married in October. I am a bridesmaid. My cousin is the maid of honor, and has scheduled the bridal shower to be on the first weekend of September. Unfortunately, I already have plans!! I am in a long distance relationship, and live 3.5 hours from “him” and get to see him every month and a half (we are full time students that don’t get much time off from work/school). The time we do get together is special.
Here’s my question: Should I skip the bridal shower and send a gift? Or…attend the bridal shower, and be miserable because I don’t get to see my guy until October for the wedding?
I am very tempted to skip out on the shower, because I start my senior year of college in September and won’t be able to get any time off! I asked my cousin if she could change the date, but she didn’t give me an answer and I felt VERY selfish asking her to change it for me!
Help!
C
Sorry to say, but I’d go to the shower. I know it’s hard not to be able to see someone you care about, but a bridal shower is very important to the bride. Especially since you’re in the wedding party. What if everyone gets mad at you and you’re stuck with that for a long time.
Believe me, having been in a long distance relationship myself that was a 3 hour plane ride, not see him from a month isn’t that bad. I’d go for 6 months without seeing him.
Well. Good luck!
In these kinds of situations, I ask myself - how would I feel in her shoes.
You know the relationship you and the bride have best, and should make a decision based on that.
To be honest, I disagree with SuzyCat…
If I were the bride, I would be a bit disappointed–but then again, I’m also reasonable enough to understand that if I only got to see my SO every month and a half or so–I’d say “girl, go! He’s your man…”
That’s just me, though.
Did you cousin consult with you before setting the date? If not, I don’t think you’re selfish at all for asking your cousin to change the date.
I agree with Laurie, ask yourself how you would feel if it were your shower. While it may not seem fair, people remember for a LONG time when you skip something important to them.
This is a tough-ey. If you don’t go to the bridal shower (and still send a gift), how will this impact your relationship with your cousin? Will she make your life difficult throughout the wedding process? How will it impact your relationship with your beau? You must weigh these carefully. It is doubtful that your cousin will have another bridal shower in her lifetime. Would your beau understand if you told him your attendence is crucial? I had to attend numerous “bridal” events last year and I tell you I was pissed as hell at a few of the events. But, I went and I am glad I did. Not b/c it was a good time, but b/c it meant a lot to the bride and if I didn’t go it would have changed our relationship (and not for the better). If your cousin has not ‘let you off the hook’ yet, I think you should go.
Good luck!! These decisions are never fun ones!
First off, I’d be annoyed the MOH didn’t check with the bridesmaids before setting the date — true, not every bridesmaid can always attend, but I think it’s nice to check with them first. It might’ve given you more time to change plans with your SO or try to fit everything into one weekend or something.
Second, you had plans set in advance of the shower. I think that makes a big difference.
Finally, though, you will see your SO in October — really only a month+ after you were going to see him in Sept. I’d go with the once-in-a-lifetime shower event for your friend.
I had to skip my friend’s bridal shower (although I wasn’t in the wedding party) because I had practice MCAT. I didn’t have to take the practice exam, but I knew I’d regret it. I also wanted to spend time with my future husband because I had neglected him for months while studying. I say, decide what is more important to you, and whatever you decided, if you phrase it nicely to the bride, she’ll understand. After all, she must love you very much since you’re part of the wedding party. Send a nice gift and promise to take her out for dinner when you get back.
Have you asked the bride how sad she would be if you weren’t there? If it were me, I would just say to her, “I really want to go to your shower AND I really want to see my guy because it is so hard on us being long distance– I am unbelievably torn. How upset would you be if I didn’t go to your shower? Maybe I could take you to brunch and have a shower just the two of us instead?” Yada, yada… that’s the scenario I would choose anyway…
This might sound harsh, and I don’t mean it to be–but, having made some decisions the other way, I now don’t skip out on my girlfriends for a guy.
I did the long distance thing for over a year as well, so I do understand wanting to see your honey. But thinking long term–if you are going to be with this guy long-term, skipping one weekend and waiting until October is going to be tough, but isn’t going to affect your relationship. Another way to look at it–the bridal shower only happens once. You won’t get a chance for a do-over. But your guy will be there for you in October!
Were you not a member of the wedding party, I’d say do what’s more important to you. However, as the bride has already singled you out as someone close enough to her to be in her wedding, you should honor that and go to her shower, especially since you WILL see your man in another month.
i agree with joy, in 10 years you won’t remember that you didn’t see your bf for over a month BUT you, the bride and everyone else at the bridal shower will remember your absence. in the end, it’s up to you but i feel like your bf will understand if you want to be there for the bride. at this late date, i think it would be a teensy inappropriate to ask that the shower date be changed. i’m sure a lot of planning went into it, not to mention the schedules of the guests who have rsvped.
my 2 cents: go to the shower, ENJOY yourself, BE HAPPY for the bride and know that when you see your bf in Oct., it’ll be that much SWEETER.
i agree with ashley.
if i were the bride, i would be disappointed but would understand and be happy for you. life happens. and i do not expect the world to revolve around me just because i have title of “bride”.
better to go where your heart is than be miserable wishing you were someplace else. i have done it, and it didn’t feel good.
thats just my 2cents.
I know what it’s like to have a long distance bf. As a bride, I wouldn’t mind. Just make it up by taking her out to lunch or dinner. Let everyone know you won’t be able to make it. I wouldn’t be offended, there’ll be plenty of other girls to entertain me, and having bridesmaid be at my shower would be the least of my worries.
I know it’s hard to not see your beau for a while, mine lives 4 hours away. That’s why we try and see each other every 2 weeks even though he works 2 jobs and I work and go to school at the same time.
But if I agreed to be a bridesmaid, I’ll always try be part of the wedding process including showers which bridesmaids are a big part of.
Why not ask your beau to visit you for that weekend instead? There’s probably a nice place near where you live where you can go and stay. He can let you go for a couple of hours for the shower then you can go back to him right after.
i think that the MOH not asking you what date works- is def grounds for annoyance. but, a wedding happens once (hopefully) a lifetime, and blood is always thicker than water. they are your family, and will always be there for you. a boyfriend may not be. i can def see it the other way- i know that if i was the bride, i probably would be okay (hurt, but ok) if you didn’t show. but what people are okay with and what the right thing is to do… i mean, a lot of times they’re not the same. =T
You should consult with the bride. In all honesty, everyone has their own life and their own plans which I’m sure she understand this.. if you already had a prior engagement (to see your BF or whatever), she should understand and I think she would feel selfish keeping you from your beau.. and I’m probably going to get some slack for this, but really it’s not like you should drop all plans to work around the MOH’s bad schedule, plus it’s not like you are missing out on the wedding itself - which is MORE important!
Why not ask your boyfriend to come see you that weekend instead? that way you can spend time wiht him and just take a few hours out of one day to go to the shower?
I agree with Aylee and Mel–perhaps your boyfriend can visit you in the bridal shower city.
If you’ve already purchased tickets, perhaps you can exchange them for a date in October. This may cost you some money, but it would give you some peace of mind with regard to not offending the rest of the bridal party!
I would only recommend you take your trip if you two were planning something really big, like going abroad, or celebrating a special occasion like an anniversary or birthday.
I like Mel’s idea. Explain your situation to your boyfriend and ask if he can meet up with you at the same city the shower is in. That way you can get the best of both worlds. Good thinking, Mel!
Also, you know the bride better than we do. Talk to her and get a sense for how she feels about you possibly missing her shower. We can speculate and speculate about how she might be offended or understanding.. but the best way to find out is from her!
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Mrs. Bee, New York Age and Occupation: 29, Weddingbee Publisher Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Internet Engagement Date: May 7, 2004 Wedding Date: March 5, 2005 Venue: Westside Loft, New York About Me: Yes, my name really is Bee! I love my blogging, wikis, and tabasco sauce!
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