Wedding Blog
I had always planned on changing my last name after getting married. With my passport expiring in a couple of months, I thought that now is the perfect opportunity to finally do it. It’s been a year and a half since Mr. Bee and I wed and I’d been putting it off because well, I’m lazy and honestly I like my last name.
I recently came upon this great Slate article, and it really describes exactly how I feel about the whole name change thing:
In the end, many mothers I’ve encountered since becoming one myself have decided to change their names in line at the passport office, or in the post office, or in a doctor’s waiting room. They are not inspired to do it out of a nostalgic affection for tradition, or some cozy idea of family, or anything so charged or esoteric; they do it because giving in to bureaucratic pressures is easier than clinging to their old identity. In a mundane way, having the same name as your children is easier.
And then, of course, the beauty of the contemporary name change is that you don’t have to formally decide. You can keep your name professionally and socially, change your name for the purposes of school lists, or airline tickets, or your husband’s presidential run-in short, you can maintain an extremely confusing relation to your own name (or names). There is, at least for me, an element of play to the whole thing. There’s something romantic and pleasantly old-fashioned about giving up your name, a kind of frisson in seeing yourself represented as Mrs. John Doe in the calligraphy of a wedding invitation on occasion. At the same time it’s reassuring to see your own name in a byline or a contract. Like much of today’s shallow, satisfying, lipstick feminism: One can, in the end, have it both ways.
I too will have it both ways - I will change my last name but keep my original name professionally. I’m quite excited because I’ve finally, really accepted it. 
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I’m struggling with my own name change…I adopted a Westernized name, so it’s different from the name I used for the first 18 years of my life. If I change my last name too, I will bear no connection to the girl I was born, and that is so weird to me. It’ll be like that girl no longer exists…plus, I much prefer to be called Ms. over Mrs.
Glad you found a decision that works for you
I plan on taking Jeff’s last name legally and socially–I’m pretty young and will be 21 when we get married, still in my undergraduate studies. My plan is to keep the same name until I finish those (I’ll just have one semester left after the wedding) and then legally switch to his last name afterwards. I won’t have to worry about confusing colleagues since I”m still in school (and will be for some time), and since I’m a bit of a traditionalist I love that I can share in his last name
How do you actualyl maintain your name professionally while changing your name for other things? I’ve struggled with the whole Name Change issue, myself, and it’s caused many fights with the fiance..Even his friends look at me in disbelief as they exclaim “whoa. i didn’t know you were such a feminist!” Um it doesnt’ really have to do with feminism as it does with keeping my sense of self and feeling independent..etc. Hmm maybe I’m just approaching the entire thing the wrong way but when it comes down to it, I don’t wanna have to change it because it’s expected or demanded of me. I want to do it on my own terms. Is that too much to ask?
how does mr. bee feel abt your decision? i’m struggling to change mine only because my FI is japanese. if i adopt his last name, i’m afraid people will think i’m japanese (i’m chinese). FI frowns upon me hyphenating.. says that it’ll confuse the kids later on (eg. “Mommy, why do you have a dift last name from Daddy?”). so i’m still trying to figure out what to do.
bean: I’m with you. Luckily, it isn’t such a big deal for my FI that I am not not not changing my name. Lots of reasons why–not wanting to lose my Chinese identity among them (FI is Caucasian).
I also believe that my kids will be able to deal with the mommy and daddy having different last names situation. Of course I am in NYC, so there will be lots of examples to follow.
In so many cultures it is normal for women to keep their own names; I don’t know why it is such a big deal here in the U.S. My brother once expressed surprise that I didn’t intend to change my last name. “How does your boyfriend feel about that?” he wanted to know. So I asked my boyfriend, who looked at me and said “I’d be surprised if you *did* change your last name - you aren’t going to, are you?” I’m not; I’ll be in the 10% of American women who keep their surnames.
Interesting. I’m very conflicted on this issue - I like having it both ways, seems like a good compromise. I don’t see why the article called that “shallow lipstick feminism” - seems like an appropriate way to honor your identity and tradition.
But if anyone called me “Mrs. Fiancename” I would not be feeling any frissons of delight! I’d be like - excuse me?!?!?
I’m waiting until my fiance is called “Mr. Milka” in a formal invitation.
Oh, and bean, you might want to read this: http://www.tomatonation.com/youare.shtml
It’s my favorite essay, hands-down, on what feminism really is, and really means. And it has this to say about name changes: “You can get married, and you can change your name or keep the one your parents gave you, doesn’t matter. [...] If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.”
So true!
mr. bee does not care whether or not I change my name. but he is pretty forward thinking, as he is known to everyone on weddingbee as “mr. bee.” 
In Korean culture, women keep their last names after getting married so keeping my name is not something radical in my world. but i do want to have the same last name as our children.
i guess my main concern is that i have a korean last name while mr. bee has a caucasian last name and that is a huge change. so while all my legal documents will bear mr. bee’s last name, my business cards will bear my maiden name…. and i’m happy with that.
my guy thinks i should keep my last name and he wants our future children to have my last name as their middle names…
i never really had an opinion about it and this was completely his idea out of no where.
he says his mom kept her last name and its worked great for her…
While I recognize its a personal choice, I wish more women kept their given names because it would make it easier for more women to do so.
In Denmark, women generally keep their original name upon marriage. I plan to do the same, keep my original name, my husband to be will keep his name, if and when we have children we’ll figure out what to name them at that time.
Hey Bean, feminism is not a bad word or state of mind- your definition is exactly what feminism is!
I have always known I would keep my name. Part of it is definitely an ethnic heritage issue - I don’t want to change out an Asian name for a Caucasian one. FI likes that I’m keeping my name and even my dad, who’s very traditional in some ways was like “You’re not going to change your name, are you?”
Also, once we have kids, some of them will have my last name and some will have FI’s. I don’t think changing one’s own last name has to be the only solution to sharing a name with kids. And I think there are a lot of advantages to having kids grow up with non-traditional name arrangements.
I think the more variety we have in what women and men do with their names will eventually lead to more acceptance of the difference choices!
I am also struggling with the name change issue; I feel strongly about keeping my original name, while my FI wants me to change to his name. It really surprised me that he does, and we have not resolved the issue. Can anyone suggest how to discuss this logically? I’ve already explained maintaining my identity etc, and he just does not get it! He thinks I’m being ‘feminist’ (aargh! I believe in equality yes, but this is more than that) and says I should do it for him!
luckyme - Have you asked your FI why he won’t change his name to yours? After all, if he expects you to “do it for him”, you can equally expect him to do it for you, right? You can also bring up the fact that in many cultures women keep their name, and that 10% of American women do. Maybe once he realizes that “because that’s what people do” is not a valid reason, he’ll be more open to discussing things rationally.
thanks for all the advice and support you’ve shown for me and others who are going thru something similar. i’m pretty sure one of the biggest reasons the fi is so pro-lastnamechange is because of his pride and the fact that he seems to think that it’s disrespectful for me not to. as part of his argument, he’s stated that he’s the only son in his family to carry on the family name and that the children must take on their last name! i never once brought that up so i feel like he’s got some deeper-seeded issues that have yet to surface. as for now.. i’ve decided that what mrs bee is doing is a workable compromise for me. of course, we’ll have to see how that pans out for me in a year, as i’ve got a mean streak in me and kinda hope that we’ll have ALL daughters out of spite. haha
I will be changing my last name to my FI’s, definately. I have no ties to my last name. My father is not in the picture, and neither is a vast majority of his family. My FI actually has asked if he could take MY last name, as he doesn’t care for his last name. We’ve discussed just choosing a whole other surname…but I think we’re just going to go with his last name.
I wonder how many people consider doing what our Mayor (Villaraigosa) did when he married his wife… His last name was Villar and her last name was Raigosa - so they combined it, dropped an “R” and ended up with Villaraigosa. =P
I hyphenated my name (Lee-Garcia) with my first marriage. Now that I am getting married a 2nd time. I am not going to do it again. I had people calling me all sorts of last names in the all the wrong ways you can imagine. I also had to deal w/people who couldn’t alphabetize bc they listed my name under Garcia and not Lee-Garcia…So, with that said, I am going to change my last name but keep my original name professionally. There isn’t enough smart people to know how to use the Hyphenated names correctly. It was a hassle more than anything else….
Dropping middle name (old-lady name of an unpleasant grandmother), shifting maiden name to middle name, and taking his cool last name. This changes my name from common to something unique and memorable. Business cards (at least for current job) will list my new full name, bridging any confusion over the name change.
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Mrs. Bee, New York
Age and Occupation: 29, Weddingbee Publisher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Internet
Engagement Date: May 7, 2004
Wedding Date: March 5, 2005
Venue: Westside Loft, New York
About Me: Yes, my name really is Bee! I love my blogging, wikis, and tabasco sauce!
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