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I’m writing this in the hopes that some ladies in the hive will be able to point me towards some resources….
My live in boyfriend and I have been happily together for many years, and are ready to be married and commit the rest of our lives to each other. However, we’re still not engaged. We definitely talk about it, and I know without a doubt that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He tells me all the time that he is ready to be married.
The problem? He doesn’t want to be engaged, and he doesn’t want “to deal” with a wedding. He has very honestly suggested that we have our parents and close friends go to city hall with us to have a civil ceremony. He is a private person, and doesn’t like being the center of attention, so I understand his reservations about having a huge wedding.
I have talked to him on countless occasions, and reassured him that I don’t intend for us to have a lavish Princess Di wedding, but I do want to have a wedding. I will not budge on that, and I will not go to city hall (his latest suggestion is to go to city hall before we have a wedding and not tell anyone, in the hopes that it will relieve some of this “nervousness” he is feeling).
I don’t think I’m being ridiculous, as I only intend to get married once, so I want it to be special. I am willing to compromise and have a small and special wedding that is not over the top. But I feel like he should be willing to compromise as well, and get engaged and married like normal people.
I’m wondering if anyone else has had similar problems/discussions with their boyfriends/fiances, and how they handled them? I am aware that there are books written by guys about the process and journey of getting married, and I definitely intend to get my boyfriend one of them once we are in the midst of planning our wedding….but I’m wondering if there are any books or resources for guys out there who are ready, but are nervous about the process?
Any insight would be much appreciated!
Larissa
I feel you! My FI and I got engaged in July. Prior to this, we had a few conversations about him not wanting to be the center of attention. I did not think it would be a big deal and just kinda blew it off by saying, “Oh well I will be!” 
The first 6 weeks or so of being engaged was a struggle. I really had no idea how strongly he felt about this. His first choice was a DW/elopement with just the two of us. The second choice was the courthouse. Then he was like, oh, well, our parents and sibs can be there too.
We are now compromising by having a v. intimate ceremony and somewhat larger reception. The ceremony will be only immediate family and 1 or 2 close friends, and we are still figuring out the numbers on the reception.
I think the key is compromise. I never wanted a princess wedding either, but there were certain people I def. wanted there on my special day. So we are meeting in the middle. Also as our families started to get excited, he saw that certain elements are not necessarily about us.
Mr Ant had the same reservations about a large wedding, which is what I originally wanted a long long time ago. Then we both discovered a delightful new concept called “destination weddings” and decided to have one! With a DW, your wedding can be decidedly smaller and more laid back. This way, he can think of it not as a wedding, but as a celebration and vacation with his family and closest friends! It definitely helped Mr Ant’s anxieties and now he is actually looking forward to the big event!
We eloped, married by ourselves with no family, friends, etc… cause we were forced by his mother. I was pregnant a the time but it was not shameful for us just for her and her friends. So out of respect for my future m-i-l we did it out of sight, out of mind.
I so regret this decision. It’s been about two years and I’m still mad that we got married like paupers. It saddens me to no end that I didn’t get to share this with my family.
Weddings are a celebration of life. It’s not just about the bride and groom, it’s about sharing good food, good wine, laughter, dance, love, warm wishes, etc…
If you treat it like a big party instead of a “wedding” I’m sure your future husband will go ahead with it. Good luck!
I feel compelled to respond because I am in the same shoes. But my situation is a little different. My fiance was married once, so I can’t help but suspect things aren’t as special the second time around but that’s just my situation.
My fiance is a very rational/practival kind of guy, so he feels a wedding is just a show we put on for other people. He’d rather we use the money towards a down payment.
My fiance was and has been puroposely aloof but the planning, even saying “it’s all about the bride anyway”, but I will not let his nonchalance ruin the day because it’s his day too.
I agree that we should not budge in such an important decision. I understand some people like to be private but real love should be blessed and celebrated by those special to you. I am detetmined to make the day a great one, filled with wonderful memories that we look back with fondness. My advise is, stick your guns, incorporate elements to will make it specail for him too. It will pay off, at least I tell myself that. Must have faith.
How about a destination wedding? it’s a great compromise & great fun.
Good luck!
when my cousin got married 11 years ago, she had a beautiful wedding upstate with less than 100 people…but they did go to the court house the week before without telling anyone and just got married.
if he is already willing to compromise by having a wedding, but getting married prior to the big day, i say just do it. you can even invite your familiy so that they can be there. i know a lot of people who had civil ceremonies first, then big weddings of their dreams later.
i also like the destination wedding idea. =)
Tell him to watch Runaway Bride. How she gets the anxiety attacks from large groups of people. Maybe you should get married how they did on the hill.
we’re in the same situation, except I am the one that doesn’t want the big to-do - go figure!
I’m having a really hard time deciding what to do, elope w/a reception later, DW, local tiny party….there’s a bunch of ways to do it, I can’t figure out what I like the best.
All the ladies here gave very good suggestions! I agree with HelHel that “real love should be blessed and celebrated by those special to you.” and ” Chrissie’s “the key is compromise.” and Amanda & Miss Butterfly’s suggestion on destination wedding idea. Why don’t you discuss a few options to your FI and see which one works better for both of you? Does he have any guy friends who’s married? Maybe they can give him some suggestions to calm his nerves? Larissa, keep us posted =)
Great suggestions here.. hope you can find a deal breaker with your FI that can satisfy you both. I think a small ceremony would work best. Is he opposed to weddings in general or is he just nervous about being the center of attention?
Anyway, there are so many different ways that people get married nowadays, all that matters is that you do it with love and you celebrate your love.
When our first venue choice was unavailable, my FI also talked about canceling the wedding and just going to the courthouse. He said we were only having the wedding “to appease my family.” That made me mad, and I tried to talk to him (maybe I yelled a little) about how a wedding is really about bringing family and friends together and thanking them for all the support and love they’ve given to the relationship. We smoothed things over, but I don’t think he was convinced. Then, the next day at his work he met a couple that was just married. He mentioned that he was really stressed about the wedding and they said they had been too but their wedding was beautiful, enjoyable and well worth it. Since then, my FI has been really excited about the wedding and has even started doing tasks that I haven’t asked him to do. Sometimes it takes an outsider to put things in perspective. Are their any close friends of his that have just had a wedding?
Try finding out what exactly it is that he dislikes about a wedding, and what a wedding means to him.
In my case, my boyfriend was initially really against the concept and idea that a legal authority has to legitimize what he already feels is our commitment and love. He wanted a quick courthouse deal, and then having a reception.
When I explained to him that it’s possible to choose among different officiants and work with someone we both like, he became more open to the idea to being married in front of family and friends.
I’m in the same boat…my FI has been married once before [and was just in the last few months, finally divorced, after being separated for almost five years].
We met 2 years ago, and immediately knew that we wanted to be together, forever. But his main reservation about marriage is that since his last wife cheated on him just a month after their lavish, almost over-the-top wedding, he doesn’t want to relive those memories with me. So what he wants to do is get married in Jamaica, just the two of us stepping off of a cruise ship, onto the beach, sign of the cross and “you’re married,” back onto the ship. I’m terrified. I’m 12 years younger than him, and I want a real wedding–one that, while not necessarily huge and certainly not the 4 day, $60,000 extravaganza he had the first time around, one that is going to be special, and one that is our own.
How do I politely broach the subject?
As others have mentioned, there are as many ways to get married as there are types of people. I would suggest sitting down and talking about or writing out your goals for a wedding. Is it having family there? Is it to honor religious or cultural traditions? Is it to have a great band and have people dance all night? Once you’re both able to put your needs out on the table, then you can figure out how to plan an event that will incorporate both. Maybe it is a civil ceremony then dinner in a fantastic restaurant with friends and family, or something small and sweet at a local park, etc.
One other point, and I mean this with the best intentions, but I don’t think it’s fair to say, “and get engaged and married like normal people. ” There are plenty of “normal” people who do not get engaged or married, or who legally are not able to get married. Additionally, there are plenty of “normal” people who would be extremely happy having a civil ceremony at city hall. I would encourage both of you to open your minds to the myriad of ways that people can express their commitment and/or get married.
i agree with the advice that you should try to find out what it is about a wedding that turns him off. if the idea of a large celebration or being the center of attention makes him feel uncomfortable, it’s likely that this issue will come up again at some point in your marriage.
does he feel that having a large wedding is “fake” or pretentious or somehow insincere? have you guys recently relocated or have been in a long-term relationship where alot of your old ties with friends have been disconnected? is it that he feels he doesn’t need a mass of people (some of whom you may not see again for another year) to validate the love that you two already know exists? has he had a bad experience with weddings (i.e, divorce) in his life where he associates it with something negative?
i’m not married and never have been but the idea of a large (or even small) wedding makes me feel uncomfortable. i’ve thought about it and i think it’s the intimacy factor of it- having to share with other people something that is so personal and private to me. but i know it’s something i have to work on (and through) because it’s going to re-emerge in other major life events. try to be patient and good luck!
First I want to say thanks to everyone for your supportive and helpful thoughts and advice!!!
Just hearing that others are in similar situations and understand how I’m feeling and what I’m going through means a lot.
All the suggestions are really wonderful, and definitely gave me alot to think about.
kb - I retract the “normal statement”. You are completely right and I’m sad to admit that it’s easy to get caught up in the frustration and dissappointment of things not happening the way I always imagined they would (we fall in love, he realizes he CAN’T live without me, I swoon at the romatic proposal, and wedding planning is a breeze). I never imagined the man who would make my life complete would also be the biggest stumbling block to marrying him! Thank you for your insight and you are absolutely right that there is no “normal” for weddings, marriages, and people - just what works best for you.
Unfortunately, using his friends as a “resource” to help us out might not work - in fact I think his friends are a contributing factor to his “nervousness”. He’s in his mid 30s (not previously married), and about 80% of his friends are married (I believe he’s been a groomsman about 10 times). I’m in my mid 20s, and about 10% of my friends are married. I believe that it’s his friends’ weddings/marriages that are contributing to his nervousness. Sadly, only a handful of his friends have really solid and exemplary marriages/relationships, yet almost all of them had great big weddings. I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this phenomena, but I think he’s “sick” of weddings already. He’s been to so many (and many over-the-top ones), and has unfortunately witnessed first hand the stress that his friends as grooms have experienced. So I feel like it’s easy for me to say “ours will be different”, but all he remembers being the best man at his best friend’s wedding and watching the groom wash down 2 valium with a shot of scotch 5 minutes before ceremony (I’m not exaggerating either, that is a sad but true story)! So I do believe that the “craziness” at his friends’ weddings has contributed to this phobia of his.
It’s ironic actually, after my question was posted, we spent a romantic weekend in upstate New York at the garlic festival (I know, garlic and romantic in the same sentence?!)and touring a few of the wineries up there. On the drive up I brought up the subject of looking at a few of the wineries as potential reception sites, and he seemed very open to it. And even when we were at one of the wineries, he commented that the site was beautiful but the people who worked there weren’t so pleasant so we should probably “take that one out of the running”. I think slow and steady is going to be the key for us. In some ways I feel like my job is “de-mystifying” the process of getting married, and making him see that it’s really going to be about us and celebrating our love with people who matter to us.
At any rate, I love this website, so I’ll definitely be using it as a resource no matter what type of wedding I have. Thanks again for everyone’s encouraging words and insights. You’ll definitely be hearing from me again!
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