It Ain’t All Roses

It Ain’t All Roses

September 27th, 2006 @ 8:18 pm by Mrs. Lily

Mrs. Bee’s blog on 8 fights couples should have before they get married got me thinking… a marriage is about much more than a beautiful wedding and the perfect flowers (duh!). So how do we all get through not just the good, but the bad and the ugly? What I mean is, it’s inevitable that couples will fight at some point. But how do we get past these spats? I would love for the readers to share a bit about what they do to get past a fight and keep their relationship healthy. I think it would be interesting to hear how we all handle things differently!

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15 Responses to “It Ain’t All Roses”

Guest

superstar

We fight. It’s healthy. But no swearing, no name calling, nothing that you can truly regret saying later.

If it gets to a boiling point, we call a break… whether it’s for an hour or the night. But we must talk about it again within 24 hours [once we let it fester for almost a week.... that was miserable for the both of us].

And we don’t fight in front of other people… not to hide the fact that people fight, rather for the sake of others…. =)

9/27/06 @ 8:40 pm (reply)

Guest

nancy

Agreed - my fiance and I don’t fight often, but when we fight, we try to keep it in public. I have a really hard time hiding the fact that I’m upset in public, so usually I just try to stay quiet so that I don’t say something unintentional outloud in public.

When we do fight, we usually wait until the other person has calmed down a bit, then discuss what made us upset in the first place. It’s usually a misunderstanding that we let get out of hand without clearing up, and so we usually end up apologizing and moving on.

9/27/06 @ 9:11 pm (reply)

Guest

nancy

oops - I meant we try to keep it OUT of public.

Oh - I’ve also heard the cliche - never go to bed upset with the other person. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for so long, that sometimes we just had to go to bed upset with the other person, especially when we lived in different time zones. Sometimes when you wake up, having gone to bed upset and raging mad about something, you realize that what you were fighting over really wasn’t that important and not worth fighting over.

9/27/06 @ 9:13 pm (reply)

Guest

jacensgirl

If I am really emotional about something, I wait until I can communicate in a normal tone of voice, and without crying. DH is very logical and totally level-headed, so screaming, crying hysterics are something he doesn’t relate to at all. If I state plainly what has upset me or hurt my feelings, he is always quick to apologize and move on. He is always really mature and controlled. I wish I could say the same for my drama queen self!

9/27/06 @ 9:25 pm (reply)

Guest

kate

I agree with nancy that sometimes it’s better to go to sleep mad, because 90% of the time you wake up and realize whatever you were fighting over was silly.

Something I’m trying to learn is how to admit I was wrong, or that I blew something out of proportion. It is so hard when you’re so worked up to say, “this is dumb, I was wrong, can we just stop fighting?” Getting engaged and soon married actually makes the making up process easier. I know we’re in this for life, so we have to find a way to move past the anger rather than give up on each other.

9/27/06 @ 9:40 pm (reply)

Guest

Mrs. Bee

I am totally the type of person who completely withdraws and needs time to myself when I’m mad/sad. Mr. Bee is all about communication, and his is the good, healthy way… so I’m *trying* to get better at communicating.

one thing we don’t ever do is raise our voices, curse, etc. or ever fight in front of others… and i think that’s really important.

9/28/06 @ 12:00 am (reply)

Guest

Krizia

what my boyfriend and i do when we’re fighting is walk away from each other.
but it doesn’t end there.
we face in opposite directions with our backs towards one another. whoever is humble enough at the moment will say something they love about the other, and take a step back. for example, he’ll yell, “I LOVE THE WAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE ALL 3 REMOTES PERFECTLY ALIGNED SIDE BY SIDE!” we’ll keep exchanging what we love about each other and keep taking steps until our backs meet. by then, we’ve both calmed down, and are both willing to speak about our differences calmly…and most importantly…lovingly.

9/28/06 @ 1:18 am (reply)

Guest

Krizia

oh and by the time we reach one another, we’ve usually toned down from yelling to talking/crying. sometimes, we don’t even make it until our backs meet. we just turn around and HAVE to hug each other and be sorry for hurting the one we love!

9/28/06 @ 1:22 am (reply)

Guest

YuMMie

We hardly fight… but when we do, like Mrs. Bee I too need to be alone while he wants to communicate which is difficult… it take a lot of compromising. At the heat of the moment, one of us have to give in. It’s healthy to fight in a relationship as long as there’s no physical or verbal abuse.

9/28/06 @ 8:42 am (reply)

10.

Guest

turtle

When we fight, I tend to scream and yell mainly to get the anger out of my chest. It’s not even usually about anything serious, but he’s a lawyer, so he talks obnoxiously sometimes just to stir me up. After a minute, I’m fine, we have a laugh about it, and it’s done. When he’s mad…. he’s never mad a me. I’m perfect.

HAHAHAHAHHA

9/28/06 @ 8:54 am (reply)

11.

Guest

snot

i think only twice in the span of my relationship with my fiance have we had an actual knock down drag out fight.

typically our fights aren’t really fights by normal standards… they simply involve a lot of discussion. we disagree on something and we talk it out. we might not resolve it right away at that time. but we work very hard to communicate as clearly as we can to the other person so they might understand where we are coming from and try to work together to reach a reasonable compromise.

9/28/06 @ 9:51 am (reply)

12.

Guest

Miss Lily

Aha! I knew there would be a lot of different methods to everyone’s madness! I love what Krizia and her boyfriend do, although I don’t know if Mr. Lily would be game. Should I pick a fight and see? J/K!

As for us, we are not screamers or public fighters at all. We’re both stewers. If something bugs us we both wait forever to deal with it because a lot of times it just goes away (kind of like the going to bed mad thing). Once we do talk about it though, I need to get it all out and open before bed or I just stare at the ceiling for 8 hours!

9/28/06 @ 10:06 am (reply)

13.

Guest

tristan

Same here Miss Lily. We both stew on it for a couple days as if it didn’t happen. But then we explode! We hash it out the best we can and always be sure to tell each other we love each other and end up in each others arms kissing. (I’m VERY hard headed!!)

9/28/06 @ 10:42 am (reply)

14.

Guest

Tea

me and my bf fight totally opposite of our parents…well, mine for sure, who are screamers. we don’t yell at each other, instead we talk through whatever is bothering us. and if we can figure it out that night, then we take a break and finish it the next day or however many days it needs to be in some kind of agreement. which helps because by the next morning you’re a lot cooler about everything.

i like our approach because each person actually gets heard. we don’t have too many fights [only 2 so far] because the bf is the type to bring something up when it bothers him and we deal with it then before it gets any bigger. it’s funny because i just talked to him about this the other day, that when we get married i didn’t want us to go to be angry at each other because even when i’m upset at him or made him mad, he’s the only one who can comfort me the way i need to be.

being long distance has really helped because it’s hard to scream over the phone and you can’t slam down a cell phone with the same satisfaction as a door or landline [before cordless phones] besides, it’s silly. we decided long before we even got together that we were too old to be hanging up on each other when we’re mad. communicating is key.

9/28/06 @ 1:21 pm (reply)

15.

Guest

When my BF and I fight, I try to talk and think very very slowly — when you’re not saying things as fast as you think of them, it’s harder to say something that you will regret later.

9/28/06 @ 4:46 pm (reply)