Wedding Blog
You know in the movies where the guy brings his fiance home to his Mom and Dad and the girl says, “Hello Mr. and Mrs. (so and so)!” And even though they’ve never met before, the groom’s parents respond with, “Don’t be silly!! Call us Mom and Dad!!!”
Although, I would find it a little awkward calling my future in-laws “Mom” and “Dad,” I was kind of hoping for the same offer. I think I would try to call them another form of Mom and Dad if they made that offer. But I’ve been with my fiance six years and no such luck. Don’t get me wrong - my in-laws are the best in-laws I could ever ask for. They treat me like I’m their daughter and I love them to death. They include me and pay for me in all their family vacations, buy me gifts for every holiday imaginable and never leave me out of private family conversations.
But, I don’t know what to call them now. In fact, I don’t really call them anything. I avoid it like crazy. I just look at them when I talk to them and never address them. They’ve asked me to call them by their first names but being Filipino, that’s considered rude in my culture. I really feel uncomfortable addressing them by their first names - I just wasn’t raised that way. My Mom would have a heart attack if she found out I called them by their first names. My cousin’s wife called my Aunt by her first name and the whole family talked about it for weeks. “She doesn’t respect her!” “She’s rude!” I tried to defend her saying that wasn’t her culture but no one would listen. Sigh. Calling them Mr. and Mrs. “Hibiscus” is weird too.
I actually just had a talk tonight about this tonight with my FMIL. I brought it up because it’s been driving me crazy for a while. I explained my situation and his mother politely said that being a “Mother” is a very special title for her and she has reserved it for her children. We jokingly looked up the Polish (she’s half) word for Mother which is “Matka” but that seems weird to call her that too. Especially since she didn’t even know what the word was and we had to look it up. I joked we might as well look up the Swahili word for Mom if we’re going that route. Nothing really feels right. 
I don’t know what to do and I’m going to have to deal with this for a long time.
What do you all call your in-laws/future in-laws? Any suggestions for me? Also, what do you do about cultural conflicts like this? Should I just call them by their first names to make them happy?
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Mr. Kiwi’s mom has a name that starts with an “Em” but most people call her a nickname, including her other DIL and Son in Law, but Mr. Kiwi calls her Em, or “M”, since he heard somone do that at her office years ago. She answers to it, and I think I’ll call her that too. No offers of “Call me Mom”, but my mom and dad has him calling them by their first names. It just gets a little getting used to. You’re in an awkward spot, Miss Hibiscus! Don’t know what to tell you.
I have a really hard time with this, too. My fiance’s parents are both doctors and his mother kept her maiden name for professional purposes (they have their own practice together and it would get confusing). I call his Dad Dr. C and his mom Mrs. C, but I sometimes wonder if it’s rude not to call her Dr. too.
I just generally try to avoid addressing them by name as much as possible.
Were you spying in my apartment last night? 
It’s creepy, my FI brought this issue up last night because his parents asked me and his brother’s future wife to decide what we want to call them.
I feel uncomfortable calling them Mom and Dad since I already have one of those, and I’m not used to calling them by their first names at all. After 7 years of dating I’m still calling them Mr. and Mrs. X, and until they’ve never offered anything else.
Once someone has kids we’ll be golden because we can call them by the grandparents names, but until then, I’m not sure what to do either!
oi, names are such a pain! my FI is white, and when our parents met, my mom said “Hi Mrs “so and so.” FMIL then was liike “O no, call me “__” (first name). My mom was totally taken aback by that because we’re asian, and only rare few people can call each other by their first names. So my mom was like “O, ok ____,” but did not reciprocate the usual “O, call me ___.” FMIL later got upset and told FI that my mom was disrespecting her and not considering her an equal because my mom did not offer her first name in return. FI tried to explain it was an asian thing, but FMIL said we were lying… O the cultural dynamics…
Both my husband and I call each other’s parents by their first names. Neither set ever offered up to be called “mom and dad” and frankly, that would make me uncomfortable.
What do you think about a “compound” name, like Mother Hibiscus, or Mother Ann (if her first name was Ann)? It’s more familiar than Mrs Hibiscus, but not as personal as Mom or just her first name.
well.. i think it would be one thing if your fiance was calling your parents by their first names, since it seems like they would take offense to that, and im sure he would be sensitive to their requests. but you calling your in-laws by their first names does not go against their culture, and it sounds like its what they would like. i would hope that your mother/family would understand that just because this doenst fly w/ your own culture, it doesnt mean you respect your inlaws any less or that you’re being rude.. its what theyd prefer, after all! as long as you have nothing against calling them by first name (besides a little discomfort, which is to be expected) i would go with that. now if your mil wanted you to call her mom and you had a strong feeling about calling someone else mom, that would be a different story…
I call my future in laws by their first names. However, I was raised to call all of my friends’ parents by their first names.
If I was a mother in law … I would want my future daughter or son in law to call me by my first name. Calling me Mrs. C….. would seem kind of cold and too official (for me that is).
Miss Hibiscus - Are you open to trying to refer to them as their first names? You can practice by speaking about them using their first names.
As for calling them mom & dad … that’s not really for me. Sometimes I do refer to my future mother in law as momma C .. to distinguish between my mother and her. To make things more confusing my partner & her mom have the same name:)
I know when I was little in the south I would call people Mr. or Miss and then their first name. Like Miss Debbie.
Miss Strawberry -
I notice they do that in the south, too! I’ve lived in VA for nearly a decade and I’m still not used to being called “Miss D.”
i’m not official engaged yet… long story short when my bf went over to my parents house “to ask” but didn’t tell them why. my dad got worried and called me to see if i was ok. well basically now the cat’s out of the bag … i don’t know when he’s going to ask so i’m going a little crazy but i digress.
my bf told me parents asked him to call him “nanay” and “tatay” (which mean mom and dad in Taglog [Filipino]). i busted up laughing when heard because neither me or my sisters call them that. we just call them simply “mom” and “dad”.
fi thinks it is HILARIOUS that i never refer to his parents by their name or call them by any name; it is always “your mom” or “your father.” i think it is very STRESSFUL.
fi’s mother asked me to call her by her first name; oddly, fi’s father asked me to call him “dr. lastname.” whatev; i’m not saying either out loud!
fi knows that my parents don’t call each other by their first name, so he doesn’t expect he will ever call them by their first name. my parents and fi’s parents call each other by their first name.
i agree with beth — we’re just waiting for kids so we can just say “bubbe and zayde” and “halmoni and halabuhji.”
I only started to call my fiance’s parents mom and dad after he called my mother mom. but i made sure to make it different from my own parents. Like my parents are Ma and Ba and his parents are Mom and Papi.
I avoid it as well - to the point that I some times try to avoid seeing them because I know in Chinese culture it’s rude to not address people by title. FI is lucky my parents are in another state. We both don’t call each other’s parents anything!
We’re a first-name crew. No Mr./Mrs. last-name-here. No mom or dad, either, as I already have mom and dad. I barely ever have to deal with this, as they live in California and Florida, but I follow FI’s lead and he calls my parents Rick and Tina.
He did, however, ask that I call his grandma Mrs. Thompson. I don’t know if that’s out of respect or that I wouldn’t call her grandma (since I’ve met her four times). So, maybe it comes with age. He calls my grandparents by first name in person, and addresses them as grandma/grandpa when talking only to me!
I call all (4!) of his parents by their first names. I call his grandmother either by her first name or name preceeded by “Grandma”, as both my grandmothers are deceased, so it doesn’t seem awkward for me.
Hubbie rarely refers to my mom by name, but when he does he uses her first name. Same with my dad, but he rarely speaks to my dad, as I rarely do myself.
When I refer to his parents in our conversations I call his birth parents “your mom/dad” and his step-parents by first name. He says “your mom/dad” as well.
My future dad in law’s first and last name both start w. a C so I started calling him Mr. C and now sometimes I say Mr. C squared (his idea, not mine) maybe you can come up w. a nickname made specially for his parents?
Miss Hibiscus, what a dilemma! I think there are many of us who feel your pain.
My bf’s parents are very conservative and proper white people (some refer to them as WASPS lol), and I was all set to call them by their first names (as I was raised to do with parents of friends/boyfriends) and my bf almost had a heart attack when I told him that. Apparently they would be upset if I didn’t call them “Mr and Mrs. N”. And so I have been for over 2 years, and in my opinion, that’s getting kind of awkward. I live with their son and a proposal is imminent, yet I feel like I’m adressing them like they’re my 5th grade math teacher.
But my point is that every family is different, and I think you shoudl try calling your future in-laws by their first names if that’s what they want. As someone else suggested, maybe practice by starting to refer to them by their first names in conversation with friends and your FI (not your family though!!!), and it might come easier to you.
Good luck!
I’m filipino too and my fi(who’s not filipino) calls my mom Tita Q - because she lives in Queens and he calls my aunt that lives in Las Vegas - Tita Las Vegas. Now that we are engaged my mom signs her e-mails - Mom G to Be. My brother’s wife (who’s also not filipino) calls my mom - Momma G. My brother calls his in-laws Mom & Dad, but never in front of his own Mom.
I’m Filipino, too! Growing up I was always taught to call elders “auntie” or “uncle” (tita and tito if you will…or ate and kuya if they’re not much older than I) since that’s the culture. You don’t do that? I’ve always called FI’s parents “auntie” and “uncle” because that’s just what I’m used to. I see an older Filipino person and they’re automatically “auntie” or “uncle” to me. It’s habit. FI calls my parents that as well. Once we’re married I believe we’ll switch to calling them Mom and Dad because that’s what my FSIL and FBIL do. It’ll probably take some getting used to, though.
Miss Strawberry — I’m from the South too, so I’m used to calling people “Mr/Miss X” as well. My parents and grandparents even call some of the elderly people in our community “Mr/Miss X.”
It’s funny, I didn’t think of it until I read some of the comments, but I’ve always called my FI’s grandparents, aunts and uncles by the name the kids call them — so Grandmommy, Aunt Sally, Uncle Bob, etc. I never had a hard time with that. I suppose it’s because I’ve done the same for any of my friends’ families when I’ve spent time with them.
When I first met them, I called them Mr. and Mrs., and was immediately told to use their first names - and my parents told FI the same thing. It does feel awkward a little awkward sometimes, because I was also raised to call my elders “Mr. & Mrs.”
In fact, even now I call my parents’ friends all “Mr. & Mrs.,” even though they have told me repeatedly to call them by their first names now!
3 of my grandparents are gone, but when I met FI, his father’s parents were both alive, and I was so happy to call them “Grandma Name and Grandpa Name.” It was nice to have grandparents around again - I miss mine!
Glad to hear so many other women struggle with this issue! I never know how to address FI’s parents. FI suggested their first names and “Mom and Dad’ after we’re married but I too have been ingrained with the habit of referring to my elders as Mr. and Mrs.
My traditional Asian parents would not be crazy abotu FI calling them by their first names right off the bat.
I’ll probably end up using their first names and I’m sure they’d be fine with that. For now it’s different varieities of “Hey you!” and “your mom and your dad”
Glad to hear so many other women struggle with this issue! I never know how to address FI’s parents. FI suggested their first names and “Mom and Dad’ after we’re married but I too have been ingrained with the habit of referring to my elders as Mr. and Mrs.
My traditional Asian parents would not be crazy abotu FI calling them by their first names right off the bat.
I’ll probably end up using their first names and I’m sure they’d be fine with that. For now it’s different varieties of “Hey you!” and “your mom and your dad”.
I have called my FI’s parents Mom and Dad pretty much since the first time I met them (this also extends to Grandmas and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles). I do that because from the very beginning, they took me in as part of their family. We spend a lot of time with them and it just feels natural. The only time I call them by their first names is when I’m talking about them to my parents in an effort to avoid confusion. And calling them Mr. and Mrs. just seems weird. My FI calls my parents by their first names because he isn’t as close to them as I am to his and he doesn’t like the idea of calling them Mom and Dad, at least not yet.
I don’t call my FI’s parents anything, because I’m not sure what to call them. If I want to start a conversation with them, then I just look in their direction and start talking. FI does the same thing with my parents. I suppose when we actually get married, we’ll start calling them “ummuhneem” and “abbahneem” (extremely polite way of saying “Mother” and “Father” in Korean).
I call them by there first names, and my FI does the same to my family. It’s weird because his parents actually sat down and told me they want to be referred to as mom and dad, but I told them I am uncomfortable with that. It has def. caused some tension, but I will not be forced into called them mom and dad, as I already have those.
Wow I’m relieved to know that so many women struggled with this issue! I really cannot bring myself to call another woman “Mom” even though she is my MIL, so I address her as “Lai-Lai” (cantonese for MIL). And even that makes me uncomfortable so most of the time I just don’t call her anything. DH calls my parents Father and Mother but that’s also very rare. I guess the discomfort is both ways!
Ay ay ay. I have this problem too. When talking to them I just look in their direction and start talking. The rare occasions where I need to use a name I use ‘Mr./Mrs. S’, but that’s extremely strange because we’re closer than that, but they haven’t offered ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’, and I’m not even sure I want them to.
I can’t use their first name, that just feels like I’m trying to be pals with them or something rude. FI is filipino and I’m not, so I’ve though about calling them tito/tita, and I don’t think that’d be very unnatural for me, since I really do call his aunts & uncles this. Maybe this will change when we’re married. His dad calls me ‘hija’ from time to time, but his mom never does.
I think his mom once realized that I’ve never called either of them anything, because when talking to me about something FI’s dad did, she stopped and thought about what to call him and looked at me funny. And there was the one time I accidently called her ‘mom’ because I’d been around her kids all day. Fortunately, she didn’t hear me. =P
I call my husband’s parents by their grandparent names that his neices and nephews use. His mom goes by “Nana [NAME]” and his dad goes by “Grampy [NAME]“. Even my husband calls them by those names! They’ve become universal and it’s much more comfortable than calling them by their first names.
I’m not engaged, but have been with my bf for 5 years. His mom is a teacher so if I called her “Mrs. Lasname” she’d probably smack me.
I call them by their first names. My bf doesnt use names for my parents, just “your mom” or “your dad” and he just looks at them when he talks to them.
I can understand being uncomfortable with that if it isn’t your culture. I agree with the others who have said “make something up”. Maybe call her by her middle name? Or “lady”? 
Good luck! Please let us know what you decide!
i try to avoid calling them too (i’m quite good at it too), but if i have to i will call them mom and dad. anything i call them would feel weird - i think mom and dad is actually the least weird. and since i call my mom and dad umma and appa in korean, it seems more ok.
WOW! I seriously had no idea so many people had the same problem as me—makes me feel better in a weird strange/”join my misery” kind of way. haha I’ll definitely let you know what I decide to do. Right now, I’m leaning toward nick name.
I”m in the same boat as you! I’m so glad to know that I’m not alone. I have been avoiding addressing them by name now for about 3 years!
Maybe you could call them what you would in Tagalog or..
In the South, you call everyone older than you Mr. and Mrs. “Last Name,” However, once you get to know a lady or man really really well, and they’re almost like your mother or aunt (or father or uncle), you actually call them Ms. “First Name.” For example, my bro’s closest friends call my mom Ms. Jennifer. =)
I understand how you feel, because it’s rude to address people by their first names in the Chinese culture as well. It is unbelievably weird for me to address people by their first names here in the West coast, since I was raised in the South with an Asian background.
First of all, I think it’s really great that you feel comfortable enough with your FMIL to discuss such a sensitive subject (even if it was driving you crazy!).
I can understand how you feel because my fiance and I are both Asian, so calling each other’s parents by their first names is not going to happen. Even if I were in a position where I was able to, I still don’t think I would be comfortable with it. We are still doing the “Mr. and Mrs. X” with each others parents- what makes it kind of funny is that we all have the same last name! Even though we’re on the same page with the no first names thing, I still have no idea what we’re going to do.
I like the idea that you might be able to find some sort of middle ground in addressing your FMIL… using something that makes both of you comfortable. Good luck!
i call my FMIL and FFIL the respective form of “mother” and “father” in korean…
i can imagine what position you are in though..my family would talk about it for decades if i called my FI’s sister by her first name….
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Mrs. Hibiscus, Orange County
Age and Occupation in 06: 25, Eyebal Doc
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Commerical Underwriter
Engagement Date: September 26, 2004
Wedding Date: July 7, 2007
Venue: Laguna Beach on the beach, reception on a yacht in Newport Beach
About Me: I'm an eyeball doc. Normal is boring. I'm a hat person and a cat person. I'm in love (so very very in love). I'm a dreamer. I want to change the world. Superheroes are my friends. Kindness is contagious. Music is in my heart. Carpe diem.
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