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Mr. Strawberry and I have just started going to premarital counseling (a prerequisite of our church) and it has thus far been enjoyable.
Tonight is our second meeting. I’m a little nervous after reading these Dear Abby letters. Our Pastor told us we are going to take a compatibility “test.” What if he tells us we shouldn’t be together!? AHHH. I don’t know what I would say to that. I would ignore him..but what would I say!?
DEAR ABBY: I’m writing about the letter from “In Love in Kansas” (10/2), whose priest is predicting that if she marries her fiance, the marriage won’t last.
When my husband and I were married, the priest who married us was the same one who had seen my parents through their divorce and divorce counseling. Therefore, he had a negative view of every member of our family. The entire time we were in premarital counseling, which is required in my religion, “Father John” was very pessimistic and went so far as to repeatedly try to talk my fiance out of marrying me. Well, it didn’t work. We got married.
On our wedding day, the entire ceremony was videotaped from start to finish. Little did we know until we viewed our videotape that on this keepsake, Father John, who had just pronounced us man and wife, said directly to the camera, “Don’t blame me for this. I tried to talk them out of it.” Needless to say, my husband and I were both stunned and horrified.
My advice to “In Love in Kansas” is, if this is the attitude of her officiate, change officiates! Father John was a man I had known for several years. He knew my family well and still behaved this way. Had I known what was going to happen, I never would have let him marry us. — TOO TRUSTING IN OKLAHOMA
~~~
DEAR TOO TRUSTING: The mail that letter generated has been all over the map on this subject. However, I can think of only one excuse for your priest’s behavior — he must have had two sips too many of the sacramental wine. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The young woman who is about to be married and is disturbed by the priest’s comments should heed his warning. My daughter ignored her priest’s advice that she and her fiance, “Brad,” were “not compatible,” saying, “He didn’t understand the questions.” To date, her husband has fathered an illegitimate child, given her an STD, spends a lot of time on “hunting” vacations — and I caught him with another woman. Because I told my daughter what I witnessed, Brad has forbidden me any contact with the kids.
So you see, the priest was right! — THE CREEP’S MOTHER-IN-LAW
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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had a similar experience when we were wed. We were both in the military at the time and had been assigned the base chaplain for our ceremony. It seems our priest didn’t approve of married women serving in the military, so he suggested to us that in a “successful” marriage the wife stayed home. He even took it one step further: During the ceremony he expressed his doubts about whether our marriage would last. Happily, we proved him wrong. We are celebrating our 20th anniversary this year.
My advice to “Kansas” is: Don’t worry about the naysayers. Work on your marriage every day and enjoy each other. — 20 YEARS AND COUNTING
~~~
DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, my priest, “Father Gregory,” told me the same thing. I was very offended. Yet as time has passed, almost everything Father Gregory predicted has come true! All of the problems we ignored prior to our marriage have come back to haunt us. “In Love in Kansas” should get specifics from that priest about why he has these feelings. It could save her a lot of grief. Please pass this on. — SAD IN SAN DIMAS
~~~
DEAR ABBY: That letter had a familiar ring. A priest told my girlfriend that she shouldn’t marry me, too. Well, we’ve been married 34 years now. We’re so glad she didn’t listen. — RICK IN AUDUBON, N.J.
wowza…we’ve yet to start marital counseling but i’m sure it would be startling if your pastor tried to disuade you to get married
i really do feel like the purpose of compatibility tests are to be aware of what incompatibilities you do have. there’s no such thing as a perfect couple, or even a couple that is perfect for each other. there are however, couples that are committed. maybe don’t fear the compatibility test as a “yay or nay” to the relationship as a while but more as diagnostic designed to see where your strengths and expected points of disagreement will be.
I read those, and MAN. I saw those and was shocked. Who ever thought priests had so much power?! Yikes.
Don’t worry Miss Strawberry, I know soooo many couples who have been through pre-marital counseling and are sooo thankful for it. Mr. Peach and I will start ours in Jan and I am also a bit scared, but excited! ^_^
The only compatibility test that you need is knowing that you two will love each other no matter what… you don’t say those vows for nothing!
I think I would be wary of trusting the opinion of a stranger to my instinct about my relationship. However, my fiance and I found it very useful to do our own compatibility test. The ‘Equality in Marriage Institute’ offers a guide to a Commitment Conversation which really helps to clarify what we both wanted out of life (children, lifestyle, careers). I would recommend it highly! http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/cc.html
Wow. I am suprised at the behavior of some of those priests!
At the same time, I can see how ministers feel a lot of responsibility when they marry a couple and probably wouldn’t feel right about marrying a couple that they think shouldn’t be together, or aren’t honoring God with their lifestyle. I think with a religious officiant, that’s something you just have to keep in mind.
I don’t think you should worry, Miss Strawberry. We really enjoyed our counseling and it confirmed that we should be together! Our counseler was saying that after going through the counseling, some couples choose not to get married, not because of what the minister thought, but they realized major issues or red flags. I’m sure you guys will be fine.
This is very timely - we just got our FOCCUS test in the mail yesterday! We have to fill it out separately and not discuss it with each other, return it to our priest (he’s out of state where we’re marrying), and meet with him in January to discuss the results.
My fiance is going to freak out when I show him this entry.
I just went through that compatibility test with my priest this past Tues. And–he told us that in no way is the test a reflection of whether or not the marriage would last, but it is a tool to show us where problems may lie in the future so that we can start working on open ended communication about those areas now. Fortunately, we were compatible in all areas, but have found a few areas that we would like to improve on to make as strong as our other areas. Don’t worry-everything will be fine!
yes, i was a little worried about our minister. one of the first things he asked me was whether fi would convert. i said absolutely not; it’s not even up for discussion.
but as we talked further, he made it clear that ours would not be his first interfaith wedding, and he wanted us to be clear about who we are before joining us together.
when i told him we had been together for over seven years, he was much more relaxed and just wanted to talk details and set up one meeting.
My FI and I completed our pre-cana course about 2 months ago. We learned some new things about each other (which we didn’t think was possible after 10 years together) and we confirmed that we already knew a lot about each other.
We went into it thinking it was a way to confirm we had discussed the major issues that will have an effect on our marriage (communication, sex, kids, money). We wanted to learn how to have a successful marriage - not just find out what might cause problems.
We looked at the compatibility test the same way - we already knew we had differences (for example: he a saver, I’m a spender) and we appreciate those qualities in each other (he helps me save, I help him spend). We wanted to learn what could be problem areas for us (finances) and therefore understand it was something we would need to honestly and proactively communicate about in the future.
If the compatibility test shows some incompatibility…maybe they could be things the two of you could work on? It might strengthen your relationship in the long run. Good luck!
I too had to take a test similar to the one you will take, and it had me all freaked out before I went in! I asked DH (FI at the time!) what his favorite color, toothpaste, kind of shoes were, just in case. But it’s nothing like that! For us, it was all things that we’d already talked about like kids vs. no kids, financial spending/saving, dividing of chores, etc. Don’t worry! 
My FI and I took an compatibility on issues “test” when we met with our priest. It was over money, kids, lifestyle expectations, and the issue of us not both being catholic (he is, i’m not). Our priest emphasized that it’s not a test you can fail. It’s mostly to help communication and figure out where you stand before you get married on major issues that cause problems for other couples. He also emphasized that since it was an opinion test, our opinions could change from day to day. Don’t worry about it!
My husband and I went through pre-marital before we got married and we are both very thankful! It’s been only two years so we can’t brag with too much experience but we came from two ends of the spectrum and we’re doing great. In our compatibility test we came out on different quadrents but on the same side of the chart. the focus for us was to be aware of our difference and love our common interests. The session after the test was reviewed we discussed on how to communicate when you fight. we’ve used it on the couple of occassions that we’ve had to pull out the boxing gloves but we were laughing at the end of it all. The truth is within you but priest and pastors do have insight on what they see in the many couples that they inact with in their profession. I would take thier advice. Our pastor was great because he recognized our differences and knew the both of us as a great couple and walked us through how to communicate, see our differences, and to give 100% instead of 50/50 b/c everyone’s definition of 50/50 is different. we laugh at our differences and we’ve been doing great. marriage is fun but not easy. enjoy!
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Mrs. Strawberry, Seattle Age and Occupation: 25, Radio DJ, Advertising Sales, Day of Wedding Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Engineer Engagement Date: 07/04/2006 Wedding Date: September 1, 2007 Venue: Lake Union Cafe, Seattle About Me: I'm a Navy brat that has lived all over the world. I love reality shows that are in poor taste, going to new restaurants, and trying to be crafty. Emphasis on trying!
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