Wedding Queen?
November 9th, 2006 @ 11:04 am by Mrs. Kiwi
Do you remember high school? Constantly striving to be in the “cool group” and to be included in all the things you thought were the essential “high school” experiences - prom, football games, going to the mall on weekends with your friends. It was all about competition - who was “cooler.” Now, planning our wedding, I’m finding it hard to get myself into the “cool group” once again.
I am a member of a few wedding forums and blogs. As I peruse the different threads, I am often struck with the fear of how un-cool our wedding is going to be. It seems that on a lot of these popular sites, people have weddings that ours could never compete with - $10,000 dresses? A veil that costs more than my dress? Stuart Weitzman shoes? Invitations that cost upwards of 5 dollars per person with hundreds of guests?
It saddens me to know that high school may be over, but we never stop competing. We will always compare ourselves to others, whether it be our upcoming weddings, our jobs, who had children first, whose children are smarter, which child got into the better school… it never ends.
I’m afraid our wedding is going to be sub-par no matter how hard I work to make us stand out. So our wedding isn’t going to be a 100k wedding - that doesn’t mean it will be any less memorable. We can’t afford to place a calla lily at every place setting, a Vera Wang gown or letterpressed invites. But to us, our wedding will be the best we’ve ever attended because we’re making it special. We’re making it us.
It’s cool enough to us, and that’s all that really matters, doesn’t it? You can personalize something all you want and some people will still think the mirrored rounds on your table are passe, and your chicken rubbery. There really isn’t anything you can do about it, right? But we will be footing the bill for this thing, so I don’t know if I’d want a guest who cares that much about the food and decor we’re providing.
The point is: I love FI and I can’t wait to marry him with our loved ones around. I will also be inviting some of my old friends from high school - hopefully they’re not cooler than I am now. 
Do you ever feel the pressure to compete with other weddings? When planning your wedding, do you ever think about what people are going to think about certain aspects?
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35 Responses to “Wedding Queen?”
Great post!! It is so easy to get caught up in all the little competitive details, so it’s always good to give yourself a little smack in the face to remember what it’s REALLY all about! And, by the way, your wedding will NOT be sub-par at all with your gorgeous fall theme!!!!!
Brina and Bluebell, I know it’s not a competition, I think part of it is that I don’t have close friends who are married, getting married or even close. So the people I do compare our wedding to are complete strangers, which makes it easier to feel less than stellar. Does that make sense? I think it all stems from my nerdiness in high school. Always feeling like I’m trying to catch up.
To clarify, I don’t always feel like this, sometimes I am like, my wedding is going to ROCK the house. It’s really a day by day thing- and today I’m a little sicky.
You know, I never really thought of it as a competition. It was always “well they can afford to/choose to spend the money on X, which I can’t afford/don’t care about. Whatever floats their boat.” Of course, in high school I was one of the smart kids…not the RPG nerds, but the kids that cool people like to hang out w/ around test time 
I tend to look at the really extravagent weddings as inspiration for ideas for myself. “Oh, a calla lily on every plate! How pretty! I could make paper flowers and put one at every place…” or “Love the shape of those Stuart Weitzman’s…wonder if I can find something similar on Zappos?” etc.
Nope. I don’t feel that way, but then I’m an older first time bride (39). I didn’t get a diamond engagement ring–I didn’t want one for a lot of reasons, and I’m not in competition with anyone for the biggest, brightest rock. (I’ve certainly seen younger women–and some my age–doing that.) And I want my wedding to be a big, fun party. I don’t care how much other couples spent or how many bridesmaids they had. This wedding is about us, not about what anyone else did.
To me, cool has absolutely nothing to do with how much money you spent on the wedding.
I do think everyone is concerned somewhat about how theirs fits into the scheme of others’, but maybe in different ways. I want mine to be a little different, a little memorable, and funky, but I couldn’t care less what it costs in relation to others. A lot of the most expensive weddings that I’ve seen seem so boring to me. :/
If it makes you happy, then it’s perfect. Do not think of it as “sub-par”! Besides, most of the people planning designer weddings are spending mommy and daddy’s (or someone else’s) money. How easy is it to buy nice stuff with other peoples’ money? In my opinion, the fact that you are financially responsible for your wedding makes it more special - you earned it all. It might be hard not to worry about what other people think, but do you think the people who really care about you would care? You’re right, the neverending expectations and comparing to others never ends, that’s human nature. I just don’t think lavishly spending other peoples’ money on your “dream wedding” is very “cool,” but that’s my opinion.
I definitely run across weddings that I’m jealous of, but it has nothing to do with the money they spent. I’m often jealous of really artsy people - those that can take a cool theme and run without, without it being over the top. We made our own invites but I really love those where people designed their own motif and silkscreened the invites themselves, etc. Or those weddings where the couple chose a non-traditional color scheme and dressed up their bridesmaids outfits with cool, retro pieces.
So I guess the bottom line is that I could care less who designed someone’s dress or that they got a Sylvia Weinstock cake or whatever. I definitely admire people who have creative visition and threaded their ideas throughout their event.
As far as our wedding, we had a couple unique things - some that people raved about and some that people hardly noticed. You can’t really predict what people will think, just go with what will be fun for you to plan.
Miss Kiwi, While I feel that the point of your message was lost on a lot of the responders here, I get it. No matter what age or income bracket you fall in, the pressure to be “cool” is there. We all consider what our families and guests will think about our wedding details to varying degrees. It affects everyone, admitted or not.
And its nice to know we’re not alone.
We had our reception in an old auditorium of a community center but people danced their heart out and had a great time. My flowers were silk (fake) and they look way full and way more prettier than my friends that spent thousands on their real flowers. My snobbier friends looked down on me during my wedding planning saying condescending things like “what? you’re using FAKE flowers and won’t the auditorium feels like a stinky wearhouse?” My wedding turned out so much better than my friends’ classy expensive wedding that felt like I was sitting in a museum all night long. Mine was full of warmth, laughter and dancing. I got so many compliments that my wedding was “one of the best ever.” My guy friend once told me, “feed my 99 cent cheeseburgers and cheap beer at a wedding, I don’t care. It’s about good friends, good music, good dancing and being financially smart.”
Thanks for the input everyone. I agree that our wedding will be special because it’s OUR wedding. I’m not sitting here stewing over what someone else did because I feel po’. I do admit that sometimes I’m like, damn, I wish I could have those super cool invites. And I DO care more about a “different and original” wedding, but a lot of times, some of those original funky things cost more than the basic things. Like invites, you could pay 69.95 for one hundred- cheap! The catch? Boring as hell. So if you WANT better, you pay for it a lot of the time. Trust me, I’m trying to find ways to buy the plain invite, and art it up a bit with stamps and paints- but again, those stamps cost money. And this is all on a P.E teacher and glorified receptionist’s budget. We’re trying to make this special, but not in a budget tearing way.
I know how you feel… we planned our wedding on a small budget. We didn’t have a photobooth or a lighting designer or fancy desserts. But I tried my best to make everything very personal and get as many of my talented family and friends involved as possible and you know what? We had so many people come up to us and tell us that our ceremony was so meaningful and that the reception was the most fun they ever had.
Most people won’t remember the details, but they will remember how much you guys love each other and how that shone through. The weddings I’ve heard the most about are not the most expensive or unique ones, but the ones that are special because the couple is so special.
i’ve seen it more than i’ve felt it — as in, i saw a bride nearly burst into tears at someone else’s wedding because that wedding had paper fans … and her wedding was going to have paper fans. two months later. in a different state.
that was it for me — i am among the last to get married, and i just don’t have time or care anymore what “other people” — especially frenemies — think. we are all such wonderful and different people, and i have been to so many wonderful and different weddings — shotgun, quickie, big family affairs, tiny destination weddings, even fi’s ex-girlfriends weddings! they have all been wonderful and memorable in their own way, and i know whatever happens on my day will be fine. or i just won’t care.
That’s a great comment jenn, and your wedding sounds like it was fun One of our guy friends basically said the same thing….if there’s a party, and there’s beer, I’ll be there and happy.
Miss Kiwi,
I can really understand where you are coming from here. I have less than 30 days left and I am starting to obsess over things that I wasn’t worried about a year ago and now they seem monumental-linens, earrings, what song I am going to use for our entrance and the last dance….Arghhhhhh! The list goes on and on…
I think that all the things that we as brides are obsessing over-invites, colors, shoes etc…very few people will be looking at (besides us, of course!) or even noticing.
I think the thing to keep in mind is that you are getting married and what that actually means and what a big, huge life-changing step that is for you and your fiance!
Sure, it would be great to be rocking a Vera Wang dress and Jimmy Choo’s but when you look at your wedding pictures 25 years from now, you aren’t even going to remember your shoes or how much your veil cost or any of that nonsense-you should be remembering how special the day was and how much fun you had!
Be comfortable and be happy and enjoy the process and especially the day-time went so fast for me and I wish I had more time to enjoy the little things!
yeah - it’s definitely a personal thing - as long as your wedding is memorable and meaningful to you and your hubby, its a great wedding - that’s what it’s all about.
what forums are you looking at?! on the knot, i’ve only seen weddings around 10-20k and people wearing david’s bridal gowns!
Thank you all for the support, and the chastising as well. Every now and then I just get a little over-anxious. It’s a totally different animal when those thousands of dollars you had just spent the last 6 months scrimping and saving go pouring into someone else’s account. 
Like snowbride reminded me, OH MY GOD. I am getting married. To a man. FOREVER. That is sooo mind-blowing. I am officially a grown-up. (although I did know that before) 
I think it’s pretty natural to feel competitive sometimes. Consciously or not, some brides do try to one-up each other with fanciness of their stationery, etc. I’ve seen plenty of gorgeous, expensive weddings on the knot, complete with Monique Lhullier dress, thousands of roses, a monogram gobo, etc.
And even though some things I couldn’t care less about, like having a gobo (seems like overkill to me, no offense to others), it’s hard not to sometimes either feel a little envious or judgemental (of the “must be nice to have that kind of money” vein). It’s just human, you get over it.
I get jealous of other people’s weddings all the time–but it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how much they spent. I think there are a lot of other people who are just better at putting things together than I am, who have a better eye for that sort of thing. I worry my wedding will be this crazy mishmash of random things, instead of the gorgeous, put-together event I want.
I think it’s sad, too. I genuinely like coming up with a vision and trying to execute it, and I don’t feel like I’m competing with anyone else - but I do sometimes feel like I’m being pressured to do things I don’t think are necessary.
For example: Engagement photos. Our parents never had them done, and they cost a small fortune. Am I an odd duck because I don’t want engagement photos? This could cause a *gasp* - I don’t even want to put an announcement in the paper. Our family knows we’re getting married and they’ll know when we are, so is it really so weird to opt out of these things that seem so “standard” in wedding forums?
What about out-of-town gift baskets. Originally my mom was against this idea, but now she’s all about it and I’m against it. I have yet to receive an out-of-town basket for traveling to a wedding and I’ve never felt left out or forgotten over it. Are these really essential?
Then there’s the matter of entertaining guests the whole weekend. We have a lot of people traveling from around the country to be at our wedding (it’s the price you pay for attending college and meeting someone out of state), so we do want to make sure we are attentive to their needs. However, I’ve been led to believe that in addition to inviting everyone to the rehearsal dinner and, obviously the wedding, AND giving them out-of-town baskets, we are also supposed to have a morning after brunch.
If we can afford it, I think it would be very nice - but is it a must? Is anything a must? No, I don’t think so. I think a lot of wedding boards create the impression that you have to spend a lot more money than necessary or you’re a bad and selfish host.
Snot, we were going to head to Vegas too! That plan is looking better every day.
I’m with you in that.. I am so excited to get married to my fiance. I can’t wait! But. The wedding is not so important to me. I am like the antibride. Not to say I am not still excited about my dress or the day. I just. I don’t want to spend so much money on one day. Heh. BUT. I do still feel like, well at least it has to be on par and nice. So. Yes, we are spending a decent amount on the wedding. Nothing showy, just enough to make people say “oh that was nice” Heh. We figure the memories are what will make it special and not so much the “things”.
But honestly I could do without all of it and do our original plan of getting married in Vegas. Heh.
Think about what you think/feel before you go to a wedding yourself. Do you think: I hope this wedding has a great theme that is carried through from the ceremony through the cake to the moment I leave? Do you think: I hope the bride and groom throw a memorable party that I will remember forever? When I go to a wedding I think: I’m really honored to be included on someone’s extremely important day! If there’s a fantastic party–great. If there’s a fun party–great. I’m there to support the celebrants and share in their joy. Think about that while you’re planning and maybe it will take some of the pressure off.
I just wanted to post: What the heck is the deal with the weird posting times? I SWEAR snot was before me.. I’m not psychic!
Sometimes, I feel comptetitive with other brides, but then I remember that my wedding is going to be a reflection of me and my fi, and if they don’t like it, tough! I just try to concentrate what I can do for my amount of money, and I don’t waste time worrying about if it is going to look cheesy or something, because I just might be a cheesy kind of girl lol!
the nicest and most memorable wedding i’ve ever been to was probably the most budget-friendly wedding i’ve been to as well. the couple was just so sweet, madly in love, natural and had such bright futures ahead of them (career, goals, etc) that everyone was just really overwhelmingly happy for them.
on the flip side, i’ve been to outrageously lavish weddings that were….weird and uncomfortable.
my point is… i think the bride and groom themselves make the wedding–not the flowers, centerpieces, dress, etc. as a bride, i’m really excited to go to weddings now… but even i dont really notice the centerpieces and what not. but i definitely take note of the happiness and love that exudes from the bride and groom.
I’m not worried about other weddings, though I have been starting to stress about my guests enjoying my wedding. My FI and I are artists and we have a lot of artsy friends. Talking to a friend flying in from Mexico City for the wedding, he said, “Oh, I hate weddings, but I know your wedding is not going to be anything like other weddings and I wouldn’t miss it.” That stresssssed me out. Is my wedding going to be fun enough to make people feel like they didn’t waste their money flying to LA?
Alex, your words are really true. Whenever I’m at a wedding, I’m always just happy to see two people I love express their love to each other. That’s what it is all about.
Miss Kiwi I totally feel you. I think that was a great post - honest and heartfelt. And I think you hit on something that a lot of brides nowadays are feeling.
Am I the only one who is like “Has the wedding industry ALWAYS been so huge (and nuts) and expensive?”
I think you really hit it on the head when you said that you wouldn’t want “those kind of people” at your wedding anyway. That’s what I keep reminding myself: everyone who will be there will be having a great time because they are there to celebrate us, and with us. It is SOOOO tempting to get swept up in the details of planning, especially since the resources that I use to plan (bridal mags, the knot, etc) are “pushing” things that are way over the top - - because they have to make money too. And every personalized disposable camera or magazine they sell is money in their pockets, so of course they want us to think that we MUST have confetti with our photos on it (sorry to anyone who is getting that, I’m actually not “anti personalized confetti”, it’s just the first example of an unecessary expense that came to mind!), and all the other expensive things….whew that was a long rant.
My point is that I’ve had to remind myself SEVERAL times to take a step back and think about the true meaning of what I’m planning.
I think the best thing Miss Kiwi, is that you’re recognizing this as part of the planning process, and being self aware will most certainly help you stay true to yourself. Good luck!
Thanks everyone- LA, you’ve got it in one. I’m glad you (and many others) understand where I’m coming from. It’s not bitterness, it’s like, where has my mind gone??
I love that post! I just posted something similar in a protected post because a lot of my friends read my blog and have had no budget and I’m paying for our wedding myself, and I was feeling the pressure. It’s not bitterness, it’s not even jealousy. It’s just that I hope my guests see the effort that I put into making our day lovely and special for them too, and I hope they just remember that the day is about my FI and I committing our lives to each other unconditionally, and not about the flowers, the rubbery chicken, or my David’s Bridal gown.
I agree with Fizz: “To me, cool has absolutely nothing to do with how much money you spent on the wedding. I want mine to be a little different, a little memorable, and funky, but I couldn’t care less what it costs in relation to others.”
Of course, how much *easier* would it be to make my wedding fun and memorable if I had a HUGE budget or unlimited funds, but it’s not about competition for me. I am not saying money equals greatness, just that things would be easier.
I have 6 friends getting married (I make 7) next summer, alone. I have to be realistic and say, “Okay, I just CAN’T afford that,” and have to plan to DIY, or drop it. I guess it’s a little lesson in $$ and compromise, before actually being married.
There are people coming from such wildly different backgrounds that I’m as worried there will be people looking down at the buffet, no gift baskets for out of towners, etc etc…as there will be people whispering: she paid WHAT for a dress/dessert bar? What a waste of money…
I think this is a really great post! I don’t think that I necessarily feel jealous of the amount of money people can spend on designer cake, shoes, dress…but I do get “jealous” I guess, of brides who are really creative, or just have a great eye for that sort of thing. Like someone else said, I worry that my ideas will be a big jumble of stuff instead of the elegant atmosphere that I’m envisioning.
Thanks for the support, guys. Sometimes I’m just overwhelmed, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I’m so glad you can see it that way. I’ll admit that big weddings are inherently geared towards catering to the guests, but in the end, it’s all to celebrate the two of you, right? Oftentimes I feel a little discouraged or envious when I read about other people’s weddings and see how everything is elegant and top-quality. But I know I’m making the right choice and that in the long run, I’d rather have some money left to spend on him than try to wow my friends.
Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
Miss Kiwi,
Each person has a different view of what “cool” is and isn’t. The wedding is your own and you make it to your own coolness level.
There are a lot of extravagant weddings posted out there but I usually just see them as ideas. I have several close friends getting married and I don’t feel it is a competition especially because we are all different individuals with different personalities and bank accounts (LOL).