Mrs. Bluebell, New York
Age and Occupation in 07: 26, Finance Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Playing with the cat and/or Consulting
Engagement Date: December 25, 2005
Wedding Date: June 2007
Venue: Bride's family summer home in the Adirondacks
About Me: Trying to find the perfect balance between family tradition (marrying at the house everyone else in my family gets married at), making our's modern, interesting and different from everyone else in my family's, and incorporating some Chinese tradition for my Chinese fiance. I really have no idea what it's going to end up looking like!
Also, I picked Miss Bluebell for my name because I have blue eyes and I'm a loser like that.
What If? Orrrr Maybe Not.
November 13th, 2006 @ 10:26 am by Mrs. Bluebell
A friend of mine called me up a few days ago to ask for some advice, and after I gave mine to her, I thought I’d get the collective weddingbee thoughts too!
She has been with her boyfriend happily for over two years, and while they have had some minor issues (who hasn’t?), they are overall one of the best-matched couples I know. The problem now is that my friend has been taking lessons (for a hobby) from a nice, attractive, attentive, married man. It never crossed her mind that they could date or anything, and they have been enjoying a nice platonic friends/student/teacher relationship for a few months now.
Then, out of the blue, my friend found herself harboring a slight crush on the teacher. She even realizes it isn’t really HIM so much as it is his ability to help her become better at her chosen hobby, which is a passion of hers, and his general niceness and supportive attitude. But…this is making her feel horribly guilty. She keeps thinking: If she really loved her boyfriend, wouldn’t she want to be with him and no one else? Does this mean that she is subconsciously trying to sabotage her first great relationship because on some level she doesn’t believe she “deserves” such happiness?
My advice was that the answer was “no” to both of those questions. I think it’s perfectly natural to entertain little harmless “ooh wouldn’t life be romantic if we ran away together!” fantasies from time to time, as long as you don’t ever have any intention or even desire for them to actually come true. The example I gave her was when I had a friend a few years ago who would jokingly tell me we should get together on a semi-regular basis, even though he knew I was living with (and very much in love with) Mr. Bluebell. I’d just roll my eyes and tell him to shut up, and he never brought it above a joking level, so there was never any risk of actual cheating. However, once an idea gets in your head…your (or at least my) brain likes to run with it. “What if he really did make a serious move? What if we had a torrid affair and ran away together?”
But whenever I actually thought about the “what if” as opposed to idly wondering, I just thought ew, I don’t want to be with him!!! Not only was I not actually attracted to him, but if he had really made a move, I would have lost so much respect for him since he knew I was in a relationship and that’s just slimy.
So basically, while I had my moments of feeling guilty because I “shouldn’t” be thinking things like that, I totally got over it because a) I was being open with Mr. Bluebell telling him whenever the guy would hit on me and he trusted me completely, so it just didn’t seem like that big a deal and b) in those few secret “what if” moments, I was never tempted at all to actually go through with anything. I mean, I randomly daydream about what if some friend of mine died, or what if my apartment burned down - just exploring in your head how a potential scenario could play out doesn’t mean you want it to happen!!
So, to make a long story short, I told her not to feel guilty if she didn’t really want any of her daydreams to come true. She thought about it, and thought how disgusted she’d be at the idea of this nice respectful sweet married man wanting to cheat on his wife with a younger woman who was also in a relationship - and decided NO THANK YOU!
What do you think? Is it inherently bad to have little daydreamy crushes? At what point does wondering about an alternate future with a different person become dangerous?
15 Responses to “What If? Orrrr Maybe Not.”
I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy in college. We were talking about getting married, but both going through very stressful times in our lives (working full time jobs + being full time students = cranky people). I started getting crushes on other guys, whom I realized that I was NOT attracted to. However, this was a signal to me that things weren’t working out in our relationship.
I think a lot of it is why you are getting a crush on someone else. Are you considering your alternatives because you’re just daydreaming, or are you really trying to figure out if another relationship could be better? In my case, I realized that there could be something better out there, and my dreaming about leaving meant it was time to get out.
My mom’s reply to things like that was “I’m married, not dead!” I think it’s always fine to dream a little.
i think it’s like playing with fire..especially when you’re daydreamy crush is on a married man! (not that its a-ok w/ a single guy)…i think your friend needs to clarify if she has a crush on this guy b/c of his whole package or due to that face that he’s providing somethig that her bf is lacking..maybe she’s not stimlulated by her bf? who knows…she just needs to sort out what she needs/lacks and see if she wants to work it out with her bf…
then again, it all depends on the person..some ppl are fine w/ dreaming about other men i guess..others(like myself) cringe at the idea…and i’m not including the ladies who daydream about movie stars b/c i usually categorize them into “unrealistic situations”…
i also think that your friend’s situation is very different from your experience w/ that guy friend..i would be worried if your friend would act upon any advances made by her hobby instructor..
I agree with Colleen, to an extent. There’s a difference between sitting there and hoping he’ll touch your hand and make a move, and some random guy hitting on you at Starbucks. 
Like, if I was finding myself attacted to someone else, I’d be a little afraid for us.
I think it’s natural to have a crush. Usually, over time, they fizzle away anyway - but even if they stick around, it’s not a big deal unless you act on it.
That is a difficult but real situation - I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 years, but at the same time I’ve had a crush on my friend way before I even met my boyfriend. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it - and he understands what I’m going through and he’s not mad, or jealous. I know that I don’t have a chance with my friend and I engage in a little daydreaming and “what ifs” and it’s hard to end my crush because as long as he is the same person, and I’m the same person, then I’m always going to be attracted to him.
I’ve had a bazillion crushes since I’ve been with my hubby. I’m the kind of person who usually has a crush on almost any guy I become friends with. I like newness, but it usually wears off fairly quickly. Besides, since when does a crush mean you’re in love with someone?
Also, it seems like some people have mentioned that the man she is crushing on has similar feelings, which I didn’t read, but I could have missed it. We can’t assume what his emotions are, if it wasn’t mentioned, so I would say her feelings are pretty harmless. Unless she starts to indulge herself, and purposely fantasize all the time.
I would not worry about this at all, unless you find yourself willing to act on it. I get little harmless crushes on cute men I meet all the time - and I tell my fiance about them. He does the same for me. Just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean all other people cease to be attractive. I think it’s totally healthy to admit to yourself and to your partner that there are other people in the world that you find attractive and that it is in no way a threat to your relationship. My fiance and I are a foregone conclusion - but like someone said above, neither of us are dead or blind, for that matter.
Thanks everyone for your comments! I knew people would have varying opinions. 
As for my friend, her overriding feeling that she’s dealing with now is GUILT, not crushy feelings. She just feels horrible at the thought that she might not love her boyfriend as much as she THINKS she does. She has zero interest in pursuing things with her teacher and has had no signs that he would be interested either. She’s just worried that it might Mean Something that she gets a little nervously excited to go see him, and that kind of thing.
I think what KP said about moviestars is really the crux of it - whether it feels “unrealistic” to your or not. I know with my friend a few years ago, the idea of actually acting on anything was equally unlikely as me marrying Tom Cruise (negative connotation intentional! ) so I think it’s all about whether you indulge in thinking maybe it really COULD happen or just “huh, that would be interesting if it theoretically happened, although in the real world I have zero interest in it.”
I think all of us daydream about being with someone else at least once. But when that fantasy has actual potential to become a reality, it can get pretty dangerous. I don’t think your friend would cross that line, but my friend just went through a horrible break-up and the situation was pretty similar. His fiance had a passion for cycling and she threw her 4-5 year relationship away for this other guy… and I’m sure part of it was because he shared the same passion as her so much. The sad part about it was that she had already cheated on my friend before they even got engaged and continued to cheat on him all the while planning the wedding! I’m glad that my friend found out before he saw her walk down that aisle.
it’s hard to speculate what goes on in another person’s heart or head…
… i can only speak from my own experience. i was in a long-term relationship (3 years) with a guy in college, and it never occurred to me to even look at another guy in the beginning of our relationship.
however, after the 2.5 year mark, i started to grow attracted to another guy… and when i realized that, i started to understand that things were not going well in my relationship. it was the first “symptom” that i noticed that things were really awry. we ended up breaking up, and nothing came out of the crush i had - it wasn’t the other person that came into the mix… he was just kind of the impetus that i needed to realize that i wasn’t in the right relationship.
I agree with your opinion!
interesting question. i’m not a crush prone type of person (not even on celebrities) so if i developed a crush on someone, it would be indicative of there being something missing in my relationship.
I’ve had crushes all of my life, so it wasn’t a big surprise to me to get a crush on a good friend of myself and my BF. My BF actually guessed that I had a crush on this guy, and teases me a little about it… I suppose the most important thing that keeps me with my BF is that I think of love not as a feeling but as an active commitment, and I know that this guy I have a crush on is going to have faults just as annoying as my BF does.
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