I’m Not Trying To Be Different

I’m Not Trying To Be Different

November 20th, 2006 @ 4:59 pm by Mrs. Violet

Thank you for the outpour of support! You gals are awesome! I feel so much better. I guess I was just afraid of getting backlash for not doing it the “right” way. I should revise what I said regarding my identity crisis - it’s not really a crisis. I don’t feel terrible about being stuck in the middle. I realized that I am not one or the other, but a little of both and although I’m still working on it, I am proud to be both American and Chinese. I think my love for travelling has really opened my eyes to the world regarding people and traditions. Going to other places makes me curious about my own ancestry and background.

Just to add a wrench into things. Mr. Violet is Filipino, but totally American - so his family doesn’t seem to care too much about incorporating any part of their heritage… as far as I know. However, his dad may wear a special wedding outfit called a Barong. I think it would be pretty cool if he decides to do that.

~~~

We met our MC on Friday. His name is Raymond and I think he’ll be great for us. When I first started wedding planning I never thought of having a Chinese/American MC. The thought just never crossed my mind. In fact, I never imagined incorporating any Chinese elements into my wedding. I know I’m going to sound like a bad person admitting this. It’s not that I don’t like being Chinese, it’s just that I’ve never connected with my Asian heritage. I’ve actually struggled with this identity issue quite a bit. I have a Chinese name, but I’ve never fit in well with the Asian crowd, yet I’ve never been American enough either. I’m what you call “a girl with an identitiy crisis”…or something like that.

Anyway, back to why I’m writing this post. The MC was thoroughly going over what our special day would be like. He does mostly Chinese weddings so a few of his questions were:

Are you doing a tea ceremony? Undecided. If we do it, it will be on location. When do you plan on changing into your qipao? I’m not having one. I told him I was having an evening gown and it was coral and that my wedding dress was champagne. (I ended up telling him the color because I got confused when he asked me about the dress.. I thought he was referring to the wedding dress.) He did a double take when I said ‘champagne,’ but it was a good look of surprise.

It sounds like I’m trying to be different but the truth is, I am different. I’ve never been Chinese enough or American enough. I’ve always stood somewhere on the horizon trying to figure out where I stand, always doing things a little differently… and so it should come as no surprise that my wedding would represent me. Yet, at the same time, sometimes it would be easier if I knew where I stood.

From what I’ve been reading and hearing, it seems like other Asian brides have easily incorporated Chinese traditions into their wedding whether or not they are doing it Asian Banquet style or American ceremony style. So my question to you ladies is, do you struggle with having a wedding that includes elements of your heritage? Or, as it been a no-brainer?

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13 Responses to “I’m Not Trying To Be Different”

Guest

nat

For me, it has never really been a struggle, I have my own definite opinions of what I like and don’t like about Chinese-American weddings.

The real issue comes in dealing with other people’s opinion of how Chinese the wedding should be (by “other people”, I mean the in-laws). That’s why it’s sort of convenient that we’re having a Chinese banquet/AHR. However much Chinese culture I bring into the wedding they’ll appreciate (hopefully). But anything that I choose not to do, or do differently, they can capture it in the banquet. It works out pretty well, except that I’ve pretty much lost all control of the Chinese banquet, because they’re doing it “their way”. Oh well, at least I can have the wedding that I want.

11/20/06 @ 3:07 pm (reply)

Guest

nopushover

Dear Miss Violet,

I believe all ethnic brides have this struggle, especially if they’re first generation American. So this is a common dilemma. However I do know that as you get older, you develop a more defined vision of what you want for your “ideal” wedding day. I was an older bride and we paid for our wedding ourselves, so I did exactly what I wanted, which was to only incorporate those traditions that I liked — pretty much just the lion dance and some Chinese symbols. When my mother asked if I was going to change into a Chinese Chong-sam, I told her no, explaining that given how much the wedding dress cost, I was wearing it all night and no, I wasn’t going to wear every piece of gold/jade jewelry gifted me because it clashed with my gown and I’d feel like a walking jewelry store.

Now if your parents are paying for the whole wedding or a good portion of it, and they want you to do more of those traditions, then it can become woefully hard to hold on to your wishes. All I can say to you is, please try to remain true to you, while also respecting their desires. It is your and your husband-to-be’s day. You don’t want to remember it as having caved into parental or outside pressure.

Good Luck!

11/20/06 @ 3:12 pm (reply)

Guest

Jenny

I too have struggled with my Chinese heritage, IMO, primarily because I was the only Chinese girl in school through 3rd grade. Regardless of the struggle I am beginning to accept myself as Chinese and I am now becoming more accepting and proud of my heritage.

My parents are insistent about having the tea ceremony/banquet and it will be our reception because my fiance and I are getting married in Hawaii. My parents are paying for about 40-50% (for their guests) and my FI and I the remainder and because of this my parents have been very receptive to our opinions but some things more than others.

Would you recommend the MC you’re using? I need to find one for June 2007 and would love a recommendation.

thanks.

11/20/06 @ 3:46 pm (reply)

Guest

miss violet

Thanks ladies for your feedback.. I feel better and I know I’ll figure out the best way to incorporate the things I want. To add to it, Mr. Viole is Filipino, but he is totally American.

Jenny - Raymond is our MC. His info is here, http://chinesemc.com. We went to a wedding last month and saw him host. He seems like a good fit for us.

11/20/06 @ 3:56 pm (reply)

Guest

kristine

Oohh! A Barong! That’s really nice. I’m filipino as well and that’s a traditional male filipino clothing.

Good Luck!

11/20/06 @ 5:03 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Bee (message) 3,252 posts, Sugar bee

initially i thought we wouldn’t do a korean ceremony but then thought - when will i ever get to wear a traditional korean outfit in my lifetime? i feel just as much korean as i do american.

i am so glad we did the ceremony because it was a lot of fun and most people actually told us it was their favorite part of the wedding.

do your parents want you to have the tea ceremony? or is that decision up to you and mr. violet?

and mr. bee’s dad wore a traditional filipino outfit in our wedding (even tho he’s not filipino) because he’s lived in the phillippines for work for many many years!

11/20/06 @ 5:14 pm (reply)

Guest

Tea

i’m mixed with korean and am completely stoked over the chance to do the tea ceremony and of wearing the hanbok. i think it’d be a great way to expose a few of my friends and family to that aspect of myself.

how much traditional things you incorporate into your wedding is up to you…but it’s the same around the world, especially with folks our age. there are some aspects of the american wedding my friends didn’t want to include so pick and choose as you see fit!

11/20/06 @ 5:25 pm (reply)

Guest

Chastity

I’m half Filipino and half White and future husband is full Filipino..funny thing is he could’ve cared less incorporating our heritage into the wedding..but it felt very important to me to do this. So we have decided to have sponsors and the cord and veil, but no barongs. My mom wants us to have a wedding in the Philippines a few months after our wedding here to have our relatives meet, so that is at a concensus at least. So yes I am big on the tradition.

11/20/06 @ 6:53 pm (reply)

Guest

miss apple

For me and Mr Apple, we’re also incorporating our heritage into the wedding. If it was up to me, I would love to add more if I knew and had the time to research my Chinese/Cambodian heritage. Honestly, I just don’t have the time to dedicate 100% of it.

We’re doing the traditional Chinese tea ceremony in the morning and then follows Mr Apple’s Vietnamese prayer service. I also grappled with an identity growing up but traveling and immersing myself in an exchange program in China in my early twenties helped me to better understand and appreciate where my family came from.

Just to keep it short, I know it can be a struggle sometimes but I think you’ve done a beautiful job so far with your wedding research. Your blogs alone separate you from the pack and you don’t need to force anything (whether Asian or American wedding), it should just be au natural. -) Good luck!

11/20/06 @ 8:35 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

fossie

I think a wedding is a wonderful opportunity to show off who you are and also to take advantage of the different customs out there. I am having a tea ceremony mainly because it’s that important to our parents. I’m also choosing a Hawaiian slack key guitar song to walk down the aisle too (since we’re both from Hawaii), we have a female minister who will do a Hawaiian lei ceremony as a symbolic gesture of joining the couple and our parents as one family (our parents don’t know these details yet); I’m not changing clothes because it’s too expensive to buy another dress, and we included sepia pictures (moo pics) of ourselves in ultra-traditional chinese red invitations with gold lettering as a way to let people know about our wedding website! Obviously it’s not the most perfectly coordinated wedding, but we’re just happy to shape our wedding the way we want it to happen.

Your ethnicity is just one part of who you are, and you should just embrace whoever you are and infuse your wedding with things that matter to you — whether you’re a talented artist, someone who adores gerbera daisies, or someone who has ethnic roots! I’ve been to lots of weddings in Hawaii (where we have a huge 65% Asian American population) where there was not a single Asian theme in sight.

11/20/06 @ 8:57 pm (reply)

11.

Guest

WeezerMonkey

I’m proud of my heritage, but it didn’t feel natural to me to do the whole tea ceremony shebang when we don’t normally celebrate any other traditions like the Moon Festival or Lunar New Year, etc. If anything, I found it hypocritical to insert all of this “heritage” all of a sudden into our wedding. I speak my parents’ native tongues, and I know the history of my ancestors. I didn’t feel a need to incorporate old traditions in our wedding. You don’t need to do this to prove that you are proud to be who you are.

I’m glad our wedding was modern and fun and not laden with tradition. I much preferred our multiple food stations at a museum over a spinning lazy susan multi-course meal at a noisy red and gold restaurant.

11/20/06 @ 9:00 pm (reply)

12.

Guest

Jenny

Thank you Miss Violet for the MC information!

11/21/06 @ 8:26 am (reply)

13.

Guest

flobster

Funny thing about the qi pao. My mom just came back from a wedding in Shanghai. While she was there i told her to buy me a qi pao thinking it would be cheaper. My mom said that the some brides over there don’t even wear one and that they are all into the western dresses.She couldn’t even find a dress with a pheonix and drangon on it. So to answer your question even the 100% chinese are becoming americanized.

11/21/06 @ 10:02 am (reply)