Dysfunk-tional

Dysfunk-tional

November 22nd, 2006 @ 12:04 pm by Mrs. Kiwi
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Hey ya’ll. (Sorry, feelin’ country right now). Last night Mr. Kiwi and I were on our way to dinner and I was relating a story about my parents. When I moved out, my mom moved out as well; not making it a divorce, but just a parting of ways. Why not divorce? Because there was never a legal marriage to begin with. When this little bird here flew the coop, my mom took it as her cue to leave as well, since no one was really happy in that scenario anymore. When she left, she took my old bed, since I was now going to use Mr. Kiwi’s (although I’m sure she didn’t want to think about that!).

Anyway two years later, my mom was finally in a new place setting up the bed, and she didn’t know how. “Have your father call me to tell me how to put it together.” Great, there I was in the middle again. My parents’ relationship has been rocky since I could remember, and now that their children are both grown and married/almost married, their contact is nil, to say the least. So when I called my dad to let him know she needed him to call her, the reaction from him was disbelief and questioning. Mr. Kiwi didn’t like how I was put in the middle saying they are both adults and should act like it, not constantly going through me to talk to each other about things that need to be done.

This reminded me of my brother’s wedding in Australia last April. Since Mr. Kiwi and I had just gotten engaged, we were saving for our wedding and couldn’t make it. For my brother’s sake, I told both my parents (separately, of course) to behave and not to embarrass him around the new in-laws. If I heard anything about any scuffle amongst them, I’d be pissed, I said. The wedding went off without a hitch, and there weren’t many stories about their antics when they arrived home, thank goodness.

Now, it’s time for our wedding, and with parents who are barely civil to each other, I wonder, how can I make this wedding easier on me? Even though I worry constantly about them fighting (I was the one who tried to divert the arguments towards me, instead of each other), I know I want them both there. The holidays are hard enough: have mom come over early am, then drop her off at her family’s house, and then have dad come over and do his family’s side. It’s often a case of triple work for us to not have them coincide.

If you have parents who don’t get along, how are you managing the wedding day plans with them together? I’ve been told that it’s our wedding day, and they won’t cause a scene, but I know them, and I know things happen. Any suggestions?

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16 Responses to “Dysfunk-tional”

Guest

kimmie

i know totally understand how your feeling. while i am not engaged or anything like that at the moment, i am in the middle of parents who act more like kids than they do adults. my parents seperated when i was 6 and since then (i am now 24) have barely spoken a kind word to each other since and usually end up fighting when they are forced to talk on the phone. im dreading whats going to happen when i do get married one day, they both want to walk me down the aisle. and how would i even begin to figure out the seating!

i would perhaps talk to both of them maybe both at the same time and explain how you feel. if they care about you, they should do what they can!

11/22/06 @ 12:39 pm (reply)

Guest

Missy Jenn

I don’t have any suggestions..however, there’s a fiction book out there I just finished reading called “Clearing the Aisle” by Karen Schwartz..it’s a fun read also about how to deal with dysfunctional divorced parents during wedding planning time….highly recommend it;-)

11/22/06 @ 1:01 pm (reply)

Guest

Miss Kiwi

Thanks Missy!! I think I’ll pick that up today!

11/22/06 @ 1:09 pm (reply)

Guest

jenn

my dad has made it clear he is not coming to our wedding

11/22/06 @ 1:14 pm (reply)

Guest

Miss Pearl

Hey Miss Kiwi

I don’t have any suggestions per se on how to deal with parents who don’t get along, but I can relate. My parents have been divorced since I was about 3 and to this day, STILL do not speak to one another.

I found during Planning, Part I that my parents were really good about behaving themselves when it came down the wedding. Even if they don’t like each other, I think that parents tend to have a lot of respect for their children, understand the importance of the wedding day, and don’t want to undermine the process.

Plus, they behaved for your brother’s wedding, so you should be free and clear

11/22/06 @ 1:47 pm (reply)

Guest

Miss Kiwi

Jenn, is he not coming because of your mom? God, that’s horrible.

Miss Pearl,

I’m glad to hear parents usually get along for weddings.. Whew! What I didn’t say… my mom DID get drunk after the wedding and may have/maybe haven’t had words. I wasn’t told the jiist of it, because my brother (good for him) went on Honeymoon shortly after. And the drunk one doesn’t remember, but my DAD certainly did. God. Parents. They are like old babies.

11/22/06 @ 1:52 pm (reply)

Guest

karen

Hi ms Kiwi!

My parents had a bad divorce when I was 14 and it was a tough time especialy when it came down to Holidays. I felt I had to pick one or the other. It was difficult for a long time but they both realized that they love their kids and it would hurt when they did that kind of stuff. Anyway after years of going through this Im glad to say that it got better. At first they couldnt even look at each other and now they get long better than when they were married. I too was the one that was in the middle. Just give it time (grandkids help too)LOL!

My suggestion for your wedding would be to give them an honorary date for the ceremony… Its a little different since hes probobly gonna walk you down the aisle but for my brothers wedding my dad walked in with my grandma and my mom with a cousin. Then you can arrange to have 3 parents tables if your having arranged seating, One for his one for your mom and one for your dad. If not Im sure theyll find themselves in opposite sides of the room. I hope this helps ^_^

11/22/06 @ 4:25 pm (reply)

Guest

Jen

Honorary dates are great. I have a situation where the attendees include my mom, dad, dad’s wife who he isn’t currently living with, grandparents who hate dad’s wife and only like my mom slightly better, Fi’s mom and adopted dad, his half sister, his bio-dad who hasn’t been in touch with his mom and other dad even though they live in the same tiny town, bio-dad’s wife and kids, and….

I’m a little worried. My plan is to assign all of the young and/or pliable members of my family to someone in Fi’s family so that everyone has someone to talk to, and those in the know can help trouble pairings avoid each other. Sheesh.

11/22/06 @ 4:42 pm (reply)

Guest

Lucy

I am so sorry parents have to act like children after we grow up. What is up with that?

11/22/06 @ 4:44 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

jenn

ms. kiwi–i KNOW!!! it IS terrible! fi and i are so very not happy with him right now (compleeete understatement).

11/22/06 @ 6:35 pm (reply)

11.

Guest

I’m sort of in that situation, except that it’s my FI’s family that is dysfunctional. His parents just got divorced 2 years ago and are still very bitter with each other. I’ve had a very hard time approaching them to see what they are comfortable with/ not comfortable with. Although they say they will be fine for the wedding, I just have this feeling that his mother will end up bailing on the rehearsal diner just because she can’t stand to be around his father. We’d love to have open bar at the wedding, but we are purposely only going to have a cocktail hour simply because we are concerned with the way the families will react once the liquor starts to flow.

11/22/06 @ 8:33 pm (reply)

12.

Guest

kimmie - with both parents wanting to walk you down the aisle, is it possible to modify the Jewish custom where both sets of parents walk the groom and bride down the aisle? You could then have them sit down (on opposite ends of the aisle) instead of standing together under the huppah/immediate ceremony area. I’m not Jewish, but when I read about that custom, I thought it would be a nice way to include both my parents.

11/22/06 @ 9:01 pm (reply)

13.

Guest

Miss Kiwi

CK, we’re also trying to limit the booze, my family gets out of hand when liquor is involved. And that’s really something I don’t need to worry about when I’m getting married, ya know?

11/22/06 @ 10:54 pm (reply)

14.

Guest

coralie83

hi Miss Kiwi! sorry to hear of your familial woes.

my FI’s dad will probably give me away. my own dad isn’t invited - it would really make the day too full of anxiety for me and my FI.

in terms of your problem, i think you are taking too much responsibility for your parents. try asking them (separately obviously) what you can do to make them more comfortable, since you don’t want any ill will at the wedding. let them come up with a request that you can fulfil - e.g., using a certain seating arrangement, etc. also take the opportunity to be very honest about how their behaviour affects you - e.g. “i am willing to see you two separately before our wedding, as much as i’d love to have my whole family with me the whole day. it’s hard to have to make concessions so that you won’t ruin our day, but i love you enough to do it if you really feel it’s necessary.”

then make it very clear to them that if they should indulge in ANY bad behaviour, despite the measures you’ve taken to make them comfortable, you’ll simply ask them to leave the venue - sounds harsh, but it’s possible to say it in a loving way - “i don’t want my new start to live on in family memory as the time you and dad/mom had a confrontation”.

i just think that weddings are a good time to set some boundaries with dysfunctional family. you are after all starting a new family, which you need to protect with clear rules about how you expect to be treated in future. i always think of it like this: would i want my children to be born into this kind of atmosphere? or should i just reset the boundaries right now, for their sake?

i really sympathise with you! my family is just as complicated and high-maintenance, + doing the right thing can hurt sometimes.

11/23/06 @ 3:38 am (reply)

15.

Guest

Ali

It’s difficult. My dad and mom separated before I was born. My mom moved to another country with me and I only got back in contact with him a few years ago, when I moved closer to him and far away from my mom.
He started a new family with another woman pretty soon after she left but I think that my mom never really got over him. The woman he started a new family with tragicially died just before I got back in contact with but he has a new long-term partner.

So, the situation now is - he would come with his new girlfriend and possibly my three sibblings who my mother has never seen. And of course she hasn’t seen my dad in 26 years. On top of that my aunt will be there who doesn’t get along with my mother at all.
I have no idea how this is all going to end. I will try to put the three of them as far apart from each other as possible and not have ‘his’ ‘hers’ sides, we’ll mix everybody up and seat the guests with people they would have something to talk about (and hope that will distract them) instead of people they know.
I was thinking about not inviting my dad and my aunt but then they mean a lot to me and I want them to be there.

It’s tough.

11/23/06 @ 7:11 am (reply)

16.

Guest

Miss Kiwi

Hi guys, when it comes to wedding planning, it never really goes to plan, does it? The idea that you may have to bump tradition in order to make everything “work out” for you can be a little daunting, but we have to do what we have to do. I wish you all luck as well as me! Now, I’m reallly stalling for time, I am a little afriad of making my very own stuffing. Why? I have to do the dishes!! AND, mr.kiwi ia off getting beat down while playing football with other out of shape older men. Silly boy. Happy Turkey Day, all!!

11/23/06 @ 2:01 pm (reply)