Weddingbee Blog
Dear Weddingbee,
I have been asked by a guy friend to help him pick out an engagement ring for his girlfriend. They are both very good friends of mine and I know her taste fairly well. What is the best way to approach this? My first instinct was to tell him that he should ask his girlfriend to help him choose or at least try to get some hints for the perfect ring. But she’s also one of those people who loves to be surprised, and I think she would be thrilled if he proposed with a ring he picked out. Do I surreptitiously ask her what her “ideal” engagement ring would be? But then she will probably catch on. What if I help him pick out a ring and she doesn’t like it?
Ah, so many issues and I’m not even the one getting hitched. I don’t know how you all do it in such an organized and savvy way! I love your web site and hope to hear from you.
Thanks!
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Open Question: Engagement Ring Surprise
Maybe you should try looking through magazines as if shopping for yourself and see if anything catches her eye. That will leave the conversation open for both of you to talk about your ideal ring.
My fiance got me a necklace instead of a ring, so I could pick out the ring myself.
Maybe they can go a similar route?
My fiance had an idea of what I liked, as we had discussed it in the past, and he found a wonderful ring, but wanted to give me the final choice. So he bought me a CZ in sterling silver from Amazon.com for $25 that looked rather like the possible ring, and proposed with that. Maybe you could suggest that to your friend? A “placeholder” ring, and then going shopping with his fiance afterward? That way she has a ring to wear–believe me, it’s nice having an E-ring on your finger immediately, even if it’s not the final ring–and she also gets to pick out exactly what she wants. BTW, here’s my ring–I love it so much I can’t help showing it over and over! 
http://www.trocadero.com/bradford/items/424853/item424853.html
I think initiating a conversation about what kind of ring you like is a good idea. With one of my good girlfriends, long before we were at the point of being engaged or nearly engaged, we’d talk about rings and I know exactly what she wants, her ring size, everything!
Depending on how complicated her ideal ring is (e.g., a solitaire is easier to pick out than a multi-stone ring), maybe her boyfriend could propose with some proxy ring/something with special meaning to them and then they can go shopping together.
My fiance did it all on his own and that is what i always wanted, a surprise. When it finally happened it was amazing. I am not one of those girls who wanted to pick out the ring herself. The ring he chose is perfect (and he had no female help), but what he told me was “you can change the setting if you do not like it”. If your friend asked you to help maybe he knows his girl would want a surprise. The stone is the key part, the setting can always be changed. I say help your guy friend and keep it a surprise. I also agree with Ashley, there are many ways to approach the subject.
I’ve always loved the idea, and have been waiting for the opportunity to share it.
Instead of a CZ placeholder ring, he could propose with a love knot ring:
http://www.zulumoon.com/results_subCollection.asp?tCatID=SR&tCollectionID=68
(there are several styles on that page)
Then ask her “will you tie the knot with me?” and they can go pick out a real ring together.
i love that idea too! we’ve actually featured a knot ring here on weddingbee before…
http://www.weddingbee.com/2006/09/06/knot-rings/
i would love to be proposed to this way and go shopping for the ring together.
How about a shopping trip to the mall? Start casually talking about rings and if she thinks her BF will propose. Maybe you can go play and try on some rings and see if she points out anything she likes. GL
I agree with Miss Blueberry….after Mrs. Bee posted about the kielmead bow ring: click on products in the upper right corner
I thought proposing with a “placeholder” ring was such a good idea for many reasons, so I told my friends about it. Long story short, my (now) fiance proposed with the kielmead ring, and I LOVE IT! His reason is that he has old antique rings in his family that we want to use, but we didn’t know which one, what sizes they were, etc. So after I got the “placeholder” ring, we visited his parents and looked through the old family jewelry and are now resizing his grandmother’s engagement ring! (Can you tell how ecstatic I am?).
I think placeholder rings are perfect for some people - she’s going to have it on her finger for the rest of her life, so if you’re not sure, I think they should be able to pick out their perfect engagement ring together.
Ha, Mrs. Bee reposted before I could!
Maybe it’s just me, but I rarely see an engagement ring I dislike… they all are beautiful, and I would have been happy with almost anything!! What I wanted was for him to pick it out himself, so that it would be 100% from him, and that’s what he did, and I love it.
I think I might be in the minority here, but I would have been disapointed if my husband had gone the other route and proposed with something else so that I could choose the ring. I guess I’m old-fashioned but I think it’s so romantic when a guy choses something that he thinks his girlfriend would love.
I think she’ll love whatever you two choose.
Another idea is to go to a site like Blue Nile or adiamondisforever.com and design our own ideal ring, send it to her, and comment on how cool/fun it is! If you send her the link, I’m pretty sure that it will let you know the details on the ring she creates. Or maybe just one afternoon when you are hanging out, tell her you read about this cool site in Glamour or somewhere and want to check it out.
Go with the knot ring!!!!!!!!!
I never fancied myself a surprise engagement kind of girl. Being a good feminist, I thought that the two people should decide they want to get married, and then do it, none of this waiting around for the question to be popped. However, for me, when the question was popped, and the ring that my fiance picked out all by himself slipped on my finger, I knew that I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I know a lot of girls want to have input in the ring decision, but I really think a surprise is unbelievably meaningful. Engagement rings are beautiful! Trust your insight and give some advice. It’s really hard to go wrong!
My fiance and I had discussed marriage and I’ve shown him many rings from magazines and then one day he said we should look at rings. So we did and discovered that there’s a million different styles out there and that his choice of design was one of the ring styles I absolutely disliked. So we ended up colaborating and eventually we designed a ring that reflected us. I absolutely love my e-ring and really treasure the whole experience of doing it together. Now we’re doing the same for his wedding band.
My girlfriends and I talked about rings all the time. What we like, what we don’t. What we’re interested in. Especially when my fiance and I got really serious, she would ask what I liked and it wasn’t a big deal.
I think you could casually ask about marriage, about engagement, and get ideas from her. Heck even looking through those celebrity magazines and you see the latest rocks. A lot of times that’s how we would start talking about engagement rings.
My fiance and I went ring shopping, just kind of looking at what I liked, what size I would wear, but I left the ultimate decision up to him.
Jen, I could not agree more! and I dont think it is just old fashioned.
Awww, I like the knot ring idea! So sweet.
One thing I did think about–if he does buy a real engagement ring, he needs to make sure that the jeweler will take it back for the full purchase price within a certain time period. If she doesn’t like the ring, doesn’t like anything else in the jeweler’s inventory, or, heaven forfend, says “no” to the proposal, the young man would not want to be left with a ring that has substatially decreased in value since he bought it. E-rings, especially diamonds, are like new cars, their value depreciates as soon as they walk out the door of the jewelry shop. Or maybe this is a common stipulation with jewelers selling engagement rings, I don’t know, ours came from an antique shop. A friend of mine had her engagment broken after six months or so. She kept the ring, and when she sells it she will get only part of what the ring originally cost–half or maybe even only a third. (She kept the ring because it was a Christmas gift, and he broke off the engagement because his mother wouldn’t accept her. She had a narrow escape!)
I think Jen made a really good point–Mr. Blueberry surprised me with the ring (he made a second proposal, about a month after we got engaged). I didn’t even know I was going to receive one! And that’s how I liked it. But if it’s in your friend’s personality that she would probably prefer to pick out her own ring, do it that way. You probably know if she would be disappointed in a placeholder ring.
Also, I know that *if* Mr. Blueberry had taken me to pick out a ring, I would’ve chosen one *much* smaller than what he got me–not because I didn’t want a rock that big, but because I would have felt guilty asking him to spend a lot of money. Does this sound like your friend? If so, maybe it would be best for you and her boyfriend to choose her ring.
Ask her what her fave shape of diamond is. This is a must. If the diamond is right, you’re fine. If he gets her a round, and she loves princess, he’s screwed. In contrast, if she doesn’t like the setting, that can be easily modified or replaced.
My fiance chose the ring all by himself, and I love it. We were planning on going to look at antique rings, but he suprised me and asked me the day before I thought we were planning on going together to look. Very sneaky.
I think as long as you get something classic, you won’t run any risk of her not liking the ring. I wouldn’t get a weird shaped stone (i.e. heart shaped) unless you know she likes something like that. If you’re best friends hopefully you know
-what kind of metal she likes
-and if she wants diamonds or a different stone
-what her “expectations” are
Good luck! I think it’s great you’re helping.
I think that it can still be a surprise with taking her tastes into consideration. Remember when Aidan proposed to Carrie on SATC? The first ring was ok, but not her style. Enlisting the friends is definitely a good way to go.
Have him get her a beautiful vintage ring with a colored stone- something that she will like, but that if she is not 100 percent happy with as “the” ring, she can replace with something more traditional and wear on another finger.
Option 2 is an inexpensive “promise” ring, as previously mentioned.
My boyfriend’s solution was to ask me to send him pictures of the kind of rings I liked… I think I only confused him though, he’s admitted that he’s basically too chicken to buy a ring without my help. In the meantime, I wouldn’t mind having _something_ to wear on that finger though- just to sort of share with others that I am “taken.”
[...] open question about engagement rings provided some interesting responses in the comments, so I thought we should [...]
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