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A year ago, when I was still just a “Lady in Waiting,” I created guest lists in my head. I had a friend at the time - let’s call her “Danielle.” Danielle was a friend from many years back, all the way from 1990. Sometimes we stay friends with people who aren’t really good to/for us just because of the things we’ve shared.
Danielle was a toxic friend. A person who would make you miserable just so you could be miserable together. Selfish and self-obsessed, she would do anything to get her way. After awhile, Mr. Kiwi said, “Why do you even bother?” When I wouldn’t return a call on my cell phone during work, she’d call on my work line. When I wanted to spend as much time with Mr. Kiwi as possible, she asked me, “God, aren’t couples supposed to get sick of each other? Why aren’t you tired of him yet?” I decided I did not want a person who disliked my choice of boyfriend/husband-to-be at my wedding. And if not at my wedding, why would I want her in my life period?
These toxic friends don’t want you to be happy. They don’t want the best for you. They just want to be either the number one person in your life, or for you to be as unhappy as they are.
I admit, years ago, I was a toxic friend. Well, I started out as a friend who was sweet, all “roses and kittens.” Then, my friend got a boyfriend and I was no longer on her “first to contact in case of emergency (of any kind)” list. I was relegated to the back burner, where many friends go after boyfriends appear. When she got engaged, I burst into tears after I hung up the phone. If I was already forgotten when she was just dating him, I was destined to become a relic when she married him.
Even after asking my ungrateful ass to be a bridesmaid, I acted like a selfish brat. What happened next? I was kicked out of the wedding party and her life. So, I can spot these people from a mile away because I was a member of the Toxic Friends club. But I learned from that experience and I’ve evicted Danielle from my life. I can breathe freely, my stress is gone, and my wedding will be happy.
Do you have any toxic friends who came out of the woodwork when you got engaged?
My friend got married this past October. For the past year, i have seen her change into Bridezilla. It was sooo BAD! I was being a good friend by telling her she was being mean and controlling but then i would catch myself being a toxic friend by nit-picking everything about her wedding. I feel so bad because she means the world to me. Ive changed ever since…..
well way before the wedding, a so-called best friend of mine suddenly had loads to say, or rather complain about me, the clothes i wear, the things i said, and how i needed her to hold my hand thru everything, without her i’m pretty much crapped, and how i’m hurting my parents, all these because i got acquainted with a guy of different race and sparks seemed to be flying between us at that time. she’d even stalked my blogs and stuff signing off as anonymous!
well, that very same guy is now my husband and she’s out of our life since then!
I’m so glad you wrote about this - I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and feel a lot better after reading your post. I had a “toxic friend” that I always felt uneasy about even though we spent a lot of time together - our friendship was based on the fact that she was always going through some drama and I was there to listen to her at all hours of the night. But she hated my fiance and made no pretense of it, in part because she was bumped down in priority after I met him. I tried to get them to be friends, but ultimately got tired of dealing with her drama and realized that a real friend would support you even if they didn’t like your fiance for personal reasons, and that her reactions to him were all part of her toxic friend characteristics.
Unfortunately in an effort to bridge the gap, I asked her to be my bridesmaid (asking people to be in your wedding party for the wrong reasons is akin to having children for the wrong reasons!) I later had to withdraw the offer and we haven’t spoken since. I feel like I re-learned a valuable lesson to choose my friends more carefully and discriminatingly.
Reading your email made me think of my fiance’s ‘friend’ - let’s call her S(tinky).
Well, they were classmates in highschool who have kept in touch all these years but I would say their friendship is one that is old but not deep.
She was never really interested in the women (or anyone) in my fiance’s life. Not his ex and definitely not me. She acted all excited for him when he told her about me but she never was interested in ME.
Stinky got married last year and invited my fiance to her hen night. He brought me along so we could meet and she totally ignored me there! On top of that, she pulled him away a couple of times and held his hand, hugged him, and even sat on his lap!
And oh, I wasn’t invited to her wedding so my fiance went alone. Not that I cared to go. I still wonder till today if he should have gone for her wedding knowing that she was such a nasty friend.
YES… i have MANY toxic relatives and a handful of toxic friends. i have aunts and extended family pissed off that i’m engaged and wont make eye contact and have never said congratulations to me. that’s one of the larger reasons why we’re having an immediate family-only destination wedding ;).
this is soooooooooooo true. I’m glad you find it in you to get rid of all the poison in your life.
I’ve done that, and thankfully moving away also helped. Hooray to the real, true friends…who with everything remain happy for you 
Like Jenn I have MANY toxic relatives (some of them I’d gladly hire a hitman for). I’m happy to say that I’ve gotten rid of most of the toxic friends in my life. I say “most of” because there is one of two that I’m not sure if they’re being toxic or ditzy. I think they’re ditzy more than toxic. Or if they’re indeed toxic then the toxicity level isn’t that high that I’d have to get rid of them!
Weezer, I don’t know if the bitter comment was directed towards me or my ex friend (massive head cold, I’m doped up on antibiotics and nyquil!), but I’ve got to say, I am majorly bitter about being an a-hole to my old friend. I swear, I would have kicked my ass, too. As for Danielle, she’s freakin’ crazy. She’s all alone, and has always been all alone, but made herself believe it was all of US who did her wrong (yeah, all of us- there’s about 5 others). She just wasn’t happy knowing she’ll have to go to Jerry’s Deli at midnight by herself, because I had better things to do. Hindsight is 20/20, no?
I don’t associate with that many people, period. I only have a small number of friends, and they support me no matter what!
Yes. I have a friend that I asked to be a bridesmaid and wasn’t able to get it together to do the one thing I have asked anyone to do which is go get fit for their dress. Unfortunately I was always warned about this friend and it became a “but we’ve been friends for so long” thing. I was always fine with being the one that went the extra mile, but when I honestly ask myself if this person is going to be happy for me on my day, the answer has to be no. So there goes 20 years of friendship down the drain.
PS - My name is Danielle, but I’m not the friend in this story, I promise!
I have actually been debating if I should comment or not as I have been going through a very similar situation with one of my “friends”. Things had been bad long before I had gotten engaged but due to having several mutual friends and my conflict avoidance issues I had continued to keep quiet about actions, comments, and overall behaviors that I felt were distasteful, hurtfall, and downright toxic at times. I did not ask this person to be a bridesmaid but did ask her to be a part of our wedding in a different role. She has not spoken to me since. It has been bad given that we have so many friends in common, most of which are in the wedding party. I could go into detail but let’s just say her behavior at other weddings has been extremely inappropriate, distasteful, and hurt other brides resulting in the end of many friendships. Unfortunately in an effort to avoid that drama our friendship ended as well.
In college I befriended a few girls who were widely regarded as “toxic”. For some reason, I felt that since I could get along with them ok, I should be their friend and try to get other people to hang out with them. I even lived with them. After 3 years of nonstop, unnecessary, high-school-like drama with them, I finally made the conscious decision to cut them out of my life and focus on the friends who actually built me up instead of tearing me down. I’m so glad I did. After not speaking with them for several years, I got engaged and one of them actually tried to reach out to me to congratulate me. I knew that she just wanted to be invited because it was the first big wedding of our friend group (or, rather, MY friend group). I ignored her and didn’t invite her or the other girl… the third girl I did invite, and she clamored to be a bridesmaid, but I tactfully kept her out of the planning process. I am educating all my engaged friends to NOT include anyone that will give you more stress during the process… it’s stressful enough as it is, dealing with ACCOMMODATING bridesmaids and family. You don’t want to give yourself more stress just to let someone else feel included.
My friend actually lived with us. Her family kicked her out and since we had an extra room, we offered her to stay until she got on her feet. Well, she stayed longer than expected and when she drank, she would talk mess about me and my now husband. She wasn’t in the wedding (we wanted BP small) but she was an honorary BM. Until the sh*t talking and taking advantage of began. It was 3 months before the wedding. As if I wouldn’t notice while planning the wedding.
So I stopped returning the phone calls/emails/texts and wanted the toxic out of my life. Every once in awhile I get a text msg from her. But I just ignore it.
well, i guess everyone is a toxic friend at one point. but i give props to the ones that realizes and learns from their experiences and call me an optimist but i think our friends don’t really mean to be toxic, they just didn’t think about it.
i have too many toxic relatives and recently i realized toxic friends (they shouldnt even be called friends!). it’s through their small actions that you notice what shitty people they are. toxic people like to crap on other people’s happiness because they themselves are incredibly unhappy with their own lives. those people definately need to be cut off!
kimmie and yukirei–down with toxic relatives!!! agh!!!
yes, the guest list really helps suss out the toxic friends. my wedding will not be small (300+), but i don’t want some people to be there.
fi doesn’t understand cutting ties (he is still friends with all his exes, going back to high school). but when you spend time with a toxic friend and you just feel DRAINED, you know it’s time to let go.
hm, I agree COMPLETELY. I found myself making up lies as to where I was sometimes. I just didn’t want to deal with it.
Also, about toxic relatives: I have an aunt that is just horrible to my dad (her brother) and makes his stomach hurt every time he deals with her. She was also rude with my brother, so I cut her out of my life. I’m civil when I see her, but that’s it.
Good for you for recognizing what you were and for not accepting it from your friend anymore.
I’ve been a toxic friend before (thank goodness someone called me on that shit and we’re still great friends) and I’ve had them as well. My rule of thumb is unless I’m related to you, you’re dump-able and I will dump anyone who is toxic and encourage others to do the same. I don’t have time for any nonsense.
I do have toxic relatives and I just limit my time with them as much as possible. If they live their life in misery that’s their own stupidity but I’m not indulging them.
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Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA Engagement Date: March 31, 2006 Wedding Date: November 3, 2007 Venue: Radisson Hotel About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
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