Wedding Blog
About a month ago, one of my bridesmaids told me she couldn’t be in my wedding anymore. She and her husband are planning a big trip (2 months +) around the world after we finish school and my wedding falls right in the middle of it. They can’t change their trip dates (even though it’s not booked yet :-P).
Right after we graduate we won’t have our licenses for 2 months which means we can’t work, so it’s perfect timing for them financially. When she comes back from her trip, she’ll be able to work. There are other factors but that’s actually not the point of this post. At first I was beyond devastated. Not only is she saying she can’t be my bridesmaid, I had to cope with the obvious fact she would not be able to attend my wedding period. I actually cried for 10 minutes straight after she told me. I was feeling vunerable at the time. It was right after I found out my fiance was relocating for his job. Well, my wedding is eight months away and I really wanted 6 bridesmaids. I know it doesn’t have to be equal….but I like when the wedding party numbers all match up. (Just a preference.)
Now my question is, would you be offended if someone asked you to be in their wedding knowing that you were a replacement? All my close friends know I had a “bridesmaid” day where I took them out to lunch and bought them goodies when I asked them. So, now I feel it would be awkward to ask someone else. “Replacement” sounds so bad. It’s not technically like that though. I’m actually equally close with the friend I’m considering but other factors came into play in my original decision. What do you readers think I should do?
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Share this post: Bridesmaid Dropout? Advice?
yes, definately. I think it’s a lot to ask of someone to expect them to spend the major amount of $$$ associated with being a bridesmaid knowing they are a replacement.
This happened to a friend of mine. We were both in the wedding, and she was very upset that she was a “replacement” bridesmaid, but didn’t feel like she could say no. I can honestly say that it hurt her feelings, and I think it would hurt mine too.
This question often comes up with destination wedding girls since we often see BMs drop out due to financial or other reasons, and my answer is always the same–to me, a bridesmaid is someone you couldn’t picture your wedding without-not someone who evens out the pictures…
HTH & good luck with your decision 
I was actually a replacement bridesmaid 3 yrs ago, and I had no issues whatsoever. I was happy just to be asked, and happy I could help the bride out!
Yes, I would feel weird and probably say no to being a replacement. I’m in the same situation as you with 6 GMs and only 5 BMs after one pulled out. I also like when bridal parties look even but it doesnt’ even matter now. No one will notice - we going to put two guys with one lucky girl!
I would feel obligated to say yes, then feel weird about the situation.
I have uneven numbers due to a BM dropping out and have no intentions to fill the spot.
If you know this person well enough to make her your bridesmaid, you should know how she would feel about it.
I would be completely honest with her. I would be more than happy to help out a friend in need, especially on her wedding day. But I can see where others might feel slighted.
Honestly, just think about how that person would feel. You should know her well enough.
i would say no to being a replacement. it’s a lot of money and time (which were major factors in why i am having no bridesmaids). and it’s not much of a honor when someone knows (or suspects) that they were b-listed.
A suggestion: have your MOH be escorted by two groomsmen.
i was a replacement bridesmaid a few years ago. at least have the courtesy of paying for the BM dress and not making the replacement BM share the cost of the bachelorette. i had to do both, which i don’t think is fair to someone who is helping you out last minute.
omg, this happened to me! my friend got engaged & decided to get married a month after me. she was so worried that she couldn’t handle both weddings, so she dropped out. i ended up asking a cousin to be her replacement b/c i was so afraid of offending my friends. not only was my not offended, she even said “what are family for?!”
if it were me being asked to be the replacement, i’d have to see who it was who asked me. if it were a really good friend, i’d be there for her. if i wasn’t that close to the girl, i wouldn’t accept.
yeah - i think i would only ask a family member to step in as a replacement… this is a sticky situation to be in! i hope everything works out!
i would be insulted, absolutely. but i’d probably still help out the bride-in-need… IF they offered to buy my dress and/or travel as well.
I had to get a “replacement”, and I really think it’s all in how you handle it. I never once used the word “replacement” when trying to decide what to do. I simply looked at it as allowing another friend to share in my special day.
I originally had 4 BM, but one told me about 4 months out that she couldn’t (she lives in Canada, I’m in Oklahoma, and she just got a job that started that weekend!), and I was totally understanding. I’d have done the same thing she did. I was very sad though that she wasn’t going to be here at all.
Then I had to decide what to do. Fortunately, I had become very good friends with a girl at school since becoming engaged, and she was so excited to be a part of the wedding! She never thought of herself as the replacement, and never felt less than the other girls! Because of location, she was the only one able to go with me to my hair trial and fittings. She was also the only one that was with me when I got my hair done on the Big Day. We shared so many special moments, just she and I, that it was like she was a part of it from the beginning.
I don’t think someone should be offended by being a “replacement.” Instead, just think that you are lucky enough that someone else couldn’t be there that you can now!
I was a replacement a couple years ago but the friend called and explained how she really wanted to have me as a bridesmaid from the beginning (I was already involved as a reader) and she felt terrible asking me just a few months before the wedding and would I be a bridesmaid. I wasn’t insulted at all.
This is where the love of family comes in.why not ask a family member-a cousin, sister, a junior bridesmaid? I know people get offended to be replacement bm, but I really don’t think a relative would be.
I was one in SIL’s wedding a year and a half ago. It was a little weird. But I wasn’t offended that she didn’t ask in the first place, I didn’t expect her too. I was going to have to go to the shower, rehearsal dinner anyway and this way I got to be in the bridal party with my now husband. I am not sure I would have been as okay with it had it come from a friend where I was hoping to be a bm from the beginning.
I woudn’t be offended at all if I was asked to step in for a friend or family member. I understand that a bride sometimes has many more close friends than spots in her wedding party, and I would feel honored that she thought of me to take that spot.
I would be terribly offended being asked to be a replacement. I don’t think it’s fair to be asked to spend that kind of money and to have that kind of responsibility when I was not an original choice. It’s like the booby prize.
I think you just need to be ok with an odd number of girls. Because it’s not the number that matters at the end of the day, but having those you love the most as close to you as possible.
I would be offended if I was asked to be a replacement bridesmaid. It would tell me that you didn’t feel close enough to me in the first place to ask me to be in your first round pick and that the only reason you want me in the wedding party is because you want even numbers. I would turn the offer down, espcially if I thought I was close enough to you in the first place for you to ask to be a bridesmaid and not be asked until someone else dropped out.
But if you are set on asking the friend to be a bridesmaid, it would be fair for you to pay all the expenses related to being a bridesmaid on top of not expecting her to do much work. If you just need someone to even out the “look” then I would expect she would only be there for looks.
Depending on how close my friend is, I don’t think I would be offended. I’d probably feel a bit disappointed at first but if I was able to afford it financially, I’d be more than happy to help my friend out. I think you should just explain to her what happened and how you made your choices in the first place (if that doesn’t offend her). If she is a good enough friend like you say she is, she should be understanding about it.
This happened to me as well. I wasn’t offended because my friend was honest. I knew she had asked 3 of her childhood friends and I’ve only known her since college so it was reasonable that I wouldn’t be asked, but when she did asked she was honest. She told me what the situation was and offered to pay for every expense for me. I told her that it wasn’t fair because of the other bridesmaids and that it was just too last minute for me to have so much money to save (I was a college student). Both of us were ok with it and she ended up asking a cousin. Maybe you can ask a family member if you don’t feel comfortable because they will be more understanding.
If you’re asking someone to be a replacement just for the sake of making the #s equal, then it defeats the whole purpose of having bridesmaids.
P.S. I don’t think a close friend would free offended but my mom was offended for me…hehe. I just figured she didn’t know my friend who has always been a good friend to me. Regardless I felt it was an honor. I know my friends though and I understand how close we are to each other, some moreso than others. Everyone has a choice to whether accept or not, but regardless it’s still a honor to be asked in my opinion.
I would be offended if I knew I was being asked just to serve as another body in photographs. Weddings are expensive enough when attending as a guest, let alone as a bridesmaid who has to spend a small fortune on a dress, accessories and events in addition to the gifts and travel costs. Really, the best part about it is knowing your friend thinks enough of your friendship to choose you - and that sentiment is lost if you’re asked simply to add symmetry to the wedding party.
I think everyone wants to feel like they are important and a first choice, no matter what. If you two are close and you can explain your original decision and you think she would understand, then maybe you can ask.
Just for thought, I have an uneven bridal party- 3 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen. Even though I am all about symmetry, the most important thing for us in making our decisions was that the people we’re closest to be up there with us. So, while things may look a little unique, I’m confident that our photos and the walk down the aisle will be just fine. If you do go this route, I wouldn’t worry about it working out… because it will!
Good luck!
Sorry, but I think asking someone to be a replacement bridesmaid is a major insult.
Just go with the people you originally chose. Think about it , you chose the people you feel closest to and that person didn’t make the cut. Leave it at that.
Hmm…..I guess I’ll add in the “strange” reason I asked my dropout friend over my other friend. My dropout friend is in her 30’s and has been married since she was 24. All her best friends were really traditional and didn’t put married people in their parties. She’s never been a bridesmaid and is kinda sad about it. Now, my other friend is getting married 3 months after me and she’s only 25 so I thought she’d have more chances to be a bridesmaid. So, that was actually the deciding factor for me. I know it may sound silly but I really wanted my friend to have that chance to be a bridesmaid. I’m equally close to both and it was a stressful original decision. Thanks for all the input.
I was in a wedding last year where there were two replacement bridesmaids (I wasn’t one of them). One of the replacement bridesmaids was really sweet and had good self-esteem so she was just fine with it. The other one was also a good person but younger and more insecure and man, she was a PAIN in the neck. I think to overcompensate for being a late replacement (she was the second one) she basically tried to take over running the wedding and became incredibly catty and competitive. It made things very stressful for the bride as well as the other bridesmaids.
So I would say it depends a lot on the character of the person you’re thinking about asking.
If you think your friend will be ok with it, then go for it!
I said I would be offended because it doesn’t seem special to be selected to balance out pictures, but honestly - if you know your friend wouldn’t mind, then you should do what you think is best.
funny but same thing happened to me..my bridesmaid dropped out 1 month b/f the wedding…
so i had to ask some other friends to be replacement bridesmaids and none of them seemed offended…in fact it was just the opposite, they were happy to help out…
and yes i was quite upset w/her for a few months, but this is actually more common than not,….its already happened to some other friends of mine…
just remember in life, there will always be twists & turns….
I think it fully depends on the type of friend you’re considering. I know that I wouldn’t care if I were a replacement bridesmaid BECAUSE I love the Bride and would be honored to be in her bridal party - even if it was last minute!
I almost had that problem - I started considering a close cousin of mine… thankfully it didn’t turn out that way, but I still think you would be ok asking your friend! Good luck!
i think it would be really great to ask a family member on this one. or one of your FI’s family members if they have a close relationship (his sister for example). It could also be nice to ask an older relative, who would probably really appreciate it and love to be included, no matter the situation.
if your friend is close to you, wouldn’t it be the same as a relative? Why would a close friend be insulted and a distant cousin not be? you know best if this person would be offended or not.
honestly, i wouldn’t be offended by that. i know some people that felt obligated to ask family members (due to having a large family) when they would rather have asked friends and if one of those family members dropped out, i would not feel like a second string bm. i did have one friend who said i was a bridesmaid and then said i wasn’t and went back and forth. i think that was much worse and i was offended by her lies and deceit.
but it’s a whole different story if you have 7 friends and thought that was too many bridesmaids. sometimes you just can’t fit everyone, and if someone can’t do it, it’s nice to know that you have another friend you want to share your day with. i say ask her. (maybe take her out to lunch or pay for something if it’s really last minute, just to be nice since she didn’t get to attend the special day you had when you first asked your BMs.)
I say keep the original ladies, and don’t worry about it “matching up” numerically. Just personally, but I’d feel horrible if I was a “replacement” bridesmaid…
I just had a bridesmaid drop out myself (also surprised myself by crying a little - I just felt so unloved) but I asked my brother’s long-time girlfriend to step in and it was fine. As others have said here, I think it’s safest to just ask someone from your family. I agree with you - I like the even numbers too (although I have men and women on both sides).
I just had a bridesmaid drop out…I’m still debating about the whole replacement bridesmaid thing, but I really just need to say how sad it makes me. I’ve been friends with this girl for 8 years, but she is going through a terrible depression and fought with me over everything I picked for the wedding. Yesterday, she got so mad at me that she said just to count her out of the wedding. I’m just so sad. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?
Well, I just found out my fiancee’s sister will probably not be in the wedding…she’s moved HER date up and will not be able to even attend. I had wanted to ask a good friend/old roommate to be in the ceremony, but thought it would be nice for my future sister-in-law to be involved…we’ve never even met. Now I want to ask my original choice to take her place…would that be tacky??
I just had a BM drop out today due to “financial” issues, while I completely understand and want to support her decision- I feel terrible & don’t know what to do… We were best friends throughout high school, though I have moved away since then we have kept in touch. When I originally asked her she was so excited and actually cried. I just wish she had voiced her concerns then since it was only about a month ago that I asked her. I want to ask another friend to step in, in her place but don’t want to make anyone feel slighted. My wedding is almost 9 months away and we haven’t ordered BM dresses yet, is it too late to ask someone else? I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings…
My boyfriend’s (of 4 years) sister is getting married and due to work reasons, one of her girls dropped out. She asked me to “fill in” but explained that she wanted me in the wedding anyways but couldn’t have 5 maids, so now it worked out. I was veryyyy flattered that she would even think to ask me, and our relationship has already grown. Asking someone within the close family or their significant other is pretty painless in my opinion. I’m REALLY excited about the whole thing!
Just a little update:
After a few weeks of consideration… and not hearing from the drop out BM, even after I made several attempts to call her… I decided to ask a friend who my fiancee and I have become very close with over the past year. She is absolutely exstatic about being in the wedding, and actually had the same drop out BM situation happen to her for her wedding.. So she understood more than anyone else could have. We are very excited to have her be a part of our special day =) 7 Months to go!
I was a replacement bridesmaid also and was happy to help out. Too bad I ended up paying over $1000 for a wedding that I wasn’t even supposed to be in! Needless to say I felt like I was just a checkbook and not a person. I am not friends with the girl any longer either. I thought I was doing her a favor, but she really just took advantage of me.
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Mrs. Hibiscus, Orange County
Age and Occupation in 06: 25, Eyebal Doc
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Commerical Underwriter
Engagement Date: September 26, 2004
Wedding Date: July 7, 2007
Venue: Laguna Beach on the beach, reception on a yacht in Newport Beach
About Me: I'm an eyeball doc. Normal is boring. I'm a hat person and a cat person. I'm in love (so very very in love). I'm a dreamer. I want to change the world. Superheroes are my friends. Kindness is contagious. Music is in my heart. Carpe diem.
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