Wedding Blog
One of my recent stresses has been the guest list. Because of the size of our venue, an old beautiful inn, we can have exactly 132 people and not one person more!
We wanted to have a small wedding, but didn’t realize how small 132 really is. I have a HUGE family - I think 21 cousins on my mom’s side alone! And while Mr. Raspberry’s family is a little smaller, they have tons of family friends that they would like to invite also.
So we got the list to where it had to be and sent out the save-the-dates a couple of months ago. The only problem now is we keep thinking of people we wish we could invite. Most of them are neighbor friends of my parents.
I was reading something about inviting some people to come for the dancing and dessert after dinner. This would solve our problem of feeling bad about not inviting neighbors and keep the number for dinner at 132. The only problem is how to invite them without having them feel slighted.
I guess we could just explain that we had to keep it tiny for dinner, but would still love to have them be part of the fun. But do we send invites, or invite them by word of mouth, or is it just a bad idea all around?
What are your thoughts?
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Share this post: Inviting People Just to Dancing/Cocktails/Desserts
i think if you invite people for only part of the evening, there is simply no way to do this without them feeling slighted.
it implies that you felt they were important (perhaps important that they may give you a give and have a little snack), but not that important (that they could witness the wedding, enjoy the reception and meal, and make the a-list).
have you taken into account those invited that may not be able to make it? i know we invited 200+ people and only had about 100 guests on the wedding day. fine by us, we expected this to be the case. just a thought 
This doesn’t sound like it would go over very well to me.
nooo i would feel so weird if i was invited only to dessert and dancing afterwards..i’d rather not be invited at all. what if those ppl show up early? they have to watch everyone eat?
Nooo! I would not do that. Personally, I would rather just not be invited.
It’s a bad idea all around. We had 60 people at our wedding. Everyone who was not invited understood!!! They are happy for you no matter what. Stick with 132. If you really want to celebrate with more people, you should have another party…
I personally would not invite guests to only part of the reception/wedding. There is just no way around them feeling bad. I think it is easier for people to understand and except if they just don’t get an invite. The place is too small to have everyone, you did the best you could. People can understand that. The partial guest thing is hard to except.
nooooooooo!!! terrible idea. awful. stick with the number you want, people will understand & if they don’t: tough noogies.
and i have to agree with the #5 post above, i’d rather not be invited at all.
I’ve never heard of that before so I think I would feel bad. I think it’ll bring a messy situation. People might wonder if they have to bring a gift, and if they do they might feel like they were slighted yet still required to bring a gift. Or they might wonder if they have to get all dressed up for just the after dinner part. I think it’s just better not to invite them and apologize that you had to keep the wedding small. People might feel bad for not being invited but it’s clean and clear.
Originally, my reception was going to be 50 people, but we didn’t want our guests to feel slighted if they just came to the ceremony.
We are getting married in a church, and after the receiving line, people were welcomed to follow the hallway to the fellowship hall. There we would have cookies, small cakes, fruit, and punch for those guests to munch on. Our favors our cheap, so we would have a basket of them available for those guests as well. We actually considered having our cake down there too.
I think before makes it seem a little less like slighting them. It could just be kind of a VIP thing for dinner.
We ended up just deciding on doing this for our entire reception to cut down cost and get to the honeymoon faster.
Good luck!
I think that’s a really bad idea–especially if some of the dancing-only people know some of the dinner + dancing people b/c they’ll know that you made a choice and they lost out. If it’s mainly your parents’ neighborhood friends, why not have a block-party type open house after you return from the honeymoon? Some of my parents’ neighbors did that after their daughter’s wedding a couple of years ago, and no one felt slighted at all because they got to share in the happy occasion–and also got an early peek at the pictures! Since this type of party is automatically less formal than the actual reception, people will feel comfortable. Think of it as akin to when couples have a tiny destination wedding but then a big party when they get back.
If you want to include all of the people in your life in the wedding celebration, maybe you could have a separate event later on? A good friend of mine threw a huge beach party when he got back from his very small wedding and honeymoon. I loved it! It felt like I did get to share in the couple’s joy and enjoyed meeting all of their friends - and I didn’t mind not being invited to the wedding at all. If anything, it was fun to kick back and really enjoy a more relaxed celebration.
Perhaps you could have an “afterparty” elsewhere? At first I thought the idea sounded okay because I can understand where you’re coming from. If I were one of the people you invited for dessert and dancing, I’d probably feel slighted at first but if you were good/close enough friend to me, I’d understand. The fact that you wanted to include in me into part of your big day would make me feel happy!
But I can also see where everyone else is coming from about all not wanting to be invited at all because of the difficulties in logistics (e.g. what to wear, whether to bring a gift, what happens if they arrive early). My best suggestion would probably be a post-cocktail hour at a small restaurant/bar nearby. You could provide transportation for all your guests from the reception and cut your cake there instead. However, I don’t know how possible this is for your time- and money-wise. Good luck!
That’s a tough situation. I thought I read somewhere that it’s okay to invite people to the reception but not the ceremony, but it’s definitly NOT ok to invite people to the ceremony and not the wedding.
We had a second reception for my husband’s parent’s friends. They had a ton of people they wanted to invite to the wedding, but we wanted a small wedding (150ish). It was a lot of fun to celebrate the marriage again, a couple of weeks later.
I meant “reception” not “wedding” in the last sentance of the first paragraph. I suck.
I would say no. The only time I’ve seen people being “partially” invited was a church wedding and some people were not invited to the reception but welcomed at the actual wedding.
The idea of after party is good.
In fact, in Japan, only the family/relatives/close friends are invited to the actual wedding and reception and after parties are big (they’re called niji-kai (2nd party), or even sanji-kai (third party).
HTH
Jen…I can see why you shouldn’t invite people to your ceremony and not reception :p My mom was invited to a ceremony once only and she didn’t go. She was insulted she was invited to the boring part of the wedding…you can see how close my mom was to them though which is not very if she felt that way.
Definately not a good idea, the people will feel more slighted than if you just didn’t have space to invite them at all. Maybe you could have another reception type thing later. You mentioned that you wanted to invite your parents’ neighbors, maybe you can have a block party/barbeque type thing later to celebrate with your neighborhood.
I agree! Plus, I’d be afraid (if I were one of those guests invited for dancing and dessert) that people would ask why I just got there or what I thought of the steak entree, and I’d be in the awkward position of explaining I wasn’t invited for dinner.
My sister invited some people to just the dancing part of her wedding. Mainly work people and those she felt “obligated” to invite. No one had a problem. But, looking back on it, she says if she did it over she just wouldn’t invite them.
I think an “a” list and “b” list might be one way to go if you feel you want to invite these people. Of course then you run into the problem of having space for some neighbors but not others. The afterparty suggestion is great.
Unless you’re in a religious tradition where the entire congregation is by default it’s not okay to just invite people to the ceremony. I’m sorry to say this because I know you wouldn’t mean to make anyone feel bad, but it sends the message, “I’m only inviting you because I have to or because I’d like a gift.” At best people feel hurt.
My FI is English and it is actually customary to invite only some people to the “afterparty” and not to the formal meal. I however, disagree with that - it falls under the you’re not really that important to me issue. If you invite someone to a party that you’re hosting at your own home you wouldn’t invite them for only part of it right? In my opinion the same should go for a wedding.
Huh, I guess I don’t get how the ceremony is the “boring” or less desirable part of the wedding… I mean, you can have a wedding ceremony without a reception but a reception without the ceremony is just a party. The reason for the whole thing is the ceremony.
As a wedding coordinator who’s seen this scenario, I highly recommend against it. In that certain situation, dinner ran a little later than planned due to a crazy immediate thunderstorm that moved the ceremony inside. Needless to say, the extra guests arrived while other people were still eating and we had no place to let them sit while waiting.
For those people you’d still like to see after the wedding, you can invite them over for a housewarming or ask if you can bring over your wedding album to share with them. I’m sure those neighbors and family friends would love to know you’re thinking about them, and they will understand that the site you chose (or your wallet) cannot fit them all.
Good luck!
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Mrs. Raspberry, DC/New York
Age and Occupation in 07: 24, Owner/Chief Creative Director
Fiance's Age in 07: 24, Special Investigator for the government
Engagement Date: August 5, 2006
Wedding Date: July 2007
Venue: The Roycroft Inn, East Aurora NY
About Me: I love wedding and event planning. I am having a great time with all of my DIY projects and can't wait to share them with all of the WeddingBee Readers (some have to wait until after our wedding)! Other favorites include: cooking, running, tennis, knitting and making crafts. Mr. Raspberry and I also have two dogs - Gewurz, a 2 year old
yellow lab and Stella, a 1 year old old cock-a poo.
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