Etiquette?
December 26th, 2006 @ 12:17 pm by Mrs. Butterfly
I’ve seen this question on many boards before, but I never seem to get a good answer.
There was a guest at our wedding who did not send us a gift. Not that we expected gifts from everyone, but this particular guest said that the “gifts are on the way” during the wedding. We have not received anything from this guest. I’ve called the registries and tried to find out if maybe this person sent something and we just never got it. But, it looks like we’ve received everything that was bought. So now I’m trying to figure out maybe this person went off-registry? Or maybe this person sent money?
How do I find out if this person sent something and it got lost, or if they accidentally forgot to send something?
What is the right etiquette? I will thank this person for coming to the wedding, but I would feel horrible if I didn’t thank them for a gift, if there was a gift purchased.
What do I do?
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15 Responses to “Etiquette?”
I think the best thing to do is to be upfront and find out. It might be sticky but atleast you do the right thing by thanking them if they did really get you a gift or informing them if it got lost. If they still didn’t send it, then it’s their embarrassment, not yours. My MOH’s wedding in Oct. she got a money envelope (Chinese red envelope is meant for cash) with no money in it. Her mother ultimately decided to just simply ask the guest and explain that they wanted to rightfully thank them etc. And the guest said yes there’s money in it and described the amount of bills etc. Turns out when the guest wrote the name on their money envelope, she messed up, got a new one and decided to rewrite it and threw the old one with the cash in it into the garbage. So in the end, it all worked out you see.
the best way to handle it would be to just thank them for celebrating with you and their good wishes. don’t mention any gifts. as you said it yourself, you can’t ever expect presents even if’s customary to give something. if they did get you a gift, they may check in with you about it if there was no mention of it in the card. if they forgot, it may be a subtle reminder to them now if they choose to give you one.
i vote for lisa’s suggestion.
Ostensibly, you have already thanked the person for attending your wedding at the actual event (receiving line, visiting tables, etc). Traditionally, a thank you note is not needed for their attendance, as you have already thanked for that. Thank you notes are for the gifts received. Hence, no gift = no thank you note.
I think that a story where there’s a mix-up is not as likely to happen. If you subscribe to the theory of Occam’s Razor, it is simply that the simplest solution tends to be the best one. The simplest solution is that they just have not sent you a gift. If there was a mix-up, I think most people would ultimately ask if you received their gift. However, if you go and ask them, it’s likely to be seen as rude/breach of etiquette, in addition to gift-grubbing (no matter how gentle the reminder/question, mentioning it can be found offensive).
Good luck!
I’m with Lisa nd Miss Pearl. I don’t think there’s been a mix-up, I’d bargain they said “gift’s in the mail” to put you off a little bit. And you’re right, gifts aren’t required so I feel like inquiring and potentially making the guest feel awkward is not a good idea.
If there’s a mix-up or they truly want to know if you recived their gift, they will surely check-up.
I don’t think the gift got lost in the mail. I would just not say anything, not expect anything from them, thank them for coming, and perhaps you’ll be pleasantly surprised in the future.
my husband and i had five guests, yes 5, not to give gifs, two of them were family. we sent the family members thank you cards, because they were involved in the planning of the wedding, but the three other guests did not and will receive thank you notes. i think it is beyond rude, not to give a gift. there is something out there in every one’s budget and we made sure we had a variety of items, in different price ranges that we registered for. yet, then we also had some guests who didn’t come and sent gifts…so you never know what you are going to get.
Send a thank you card for coming. (a) it actually is proper manners to thank people for coming to an event in your honor with a note after the fact. (b) it will either prompt them to call you and ask if you got their gift or remind them that they haven’t sent one yet and they need to get on it.
I got both actions by sending “thank you for attending” cards for my engagement party, although I also got no response on some (which since engagement gifts are not required, wasn’t unexpected).
And I have been reminded by cards like that in the past (bad me!!)
I once read somewhere that guests can wait 1 yr after the wedding to still give a gift. Just like thank you cards from the bride and groom can come late, as long as it’s w/in one year of the wedding.
I had the same problem. Actually, alot of people said they either forgot or were sending a gift. I still haven’t recieved anything. I just got married a few weeks ago so with Christmas and everything I am going to give it some more time.
Some people didn’t give a gift at all from what I gather and I am really not sure what the story is there…
While I’m of the standpoint that gifts should never be expected, I do see how it’s odd they mentioned something to you then never sent it!
I would send a super nice note saying how wonderful it was to have them share in your joy and it was great to see them and you should visit more often, etc etc etc. Don’t mention the gift or anything further about their comment — it will only turn the situation awkward. Kill them with kindness!
I recently had a situation where it was my husband’s direct manager that did not send a gift. Since we were writing thank you cards to his co-workers, it would be strange if we did not send his manager one. We did what Lisa suggested, thanked them for coming, etc. Once he got the envelope, even before opening it, he instantly remembered that he didn’t send us a gift. A little embarrassing for both parties. Question is now: do we need to send him another note thanking him for the gift? Would it be redundant?
I have about 5% of our guests who have not sent gifts, some of them being bridesmaids. While I know they spent a lot of money on the bridal shower & bachelorette, I’m just assuming them being my bridesmaid was their gift to me. Has this happened to anyone? If so, How did you deal with it?
We haven’t received gifts from surprising number of guests. Funnily enough, all the guests who couldn’t make it to the wedding sent gifts. We didn’t even expect gifts from those guests! Just like M, one of our groomsmen (we only had two), did not give us a gift either. While we do appreciate all of our guests coming to celebrate our incredible day with us, there are instances where it is kinda weird or awkward. We just said oh well and thought one less thank you card to send. :p Am I bitter? No. Am I disappointed? Well, a little. Maybe I’m just a greedy gift monger. Hehe.
We made thank you cards that had wordings printed so we sent them to everyone who came! We hand written side notes to those who gave us gifts, or helped out, and included lots of pictures of them in return! For those who did not, I still sent them a thank you card, but only included one group photo and didn’t bother going through more photo’s of them to make more copies!
As for gifts, perhaps because of my Chinese/Japanese background, I always think it’s some what of a manner to give. Although I understand some people may have a budget, or cannot afford a gift, I think the least they can do is to write a card! We had a guest who did not bring a gift, but went to get her hair done! I thought that was a little rude. We also had some bridesmaids, ushers, scripture readers etc. not giving us a gift, but they helped out, so it was alright 
Mrs. Butterfly, if this particular guest did say that “gift is on its way”, then why not ask in a polite way Maybe it did get lost in the mail. Plus, its always nice to make it personal to say thank you for the gift that they gave you guys! If you feel bad… give it more time!
Last thing! We received a traveler’s cheque with our name on for our gift, but I could not deposit or use it because it should be titled to a shop? (something like that) So when we sent him a Thank you card, I returned it and told him it was not valid, and a year later, he sent us cash!!!
Mrs. Butterfly, New York
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bridezilla in training
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Making me happy by saying "yes dear" to everything related to wedding planning.
Engagement Date: February 3, 2006
Wedding Date: November 18, 2006
Venue: Twenty-Four Fifth
About Me: Our wedding will be small but fun. I want a whole range of music including cheesy 80's music! But we'll see how that works out��‚��
although i have *no idea* how to handle this, i am very interested in people’s answers. i have a few guests from whom i haven’t seen gifts and hope that the culprit is just late-in-sending rather than lost in the mail. (not that i am one to complain–i’ve given wedding gifts even after the first kid was born! so terrible!!)