Wedding Blog
Where does the groom fit in? Hmm… I know that “level of fiancee involvement” is always a hot topic on various wedding blogs and boards, and from what I’ve seen, it’s pretty split. There are some grooms-to-be who are quite involved in the decision process, whereas there are just as many who want nothing to do with it.
I love the fact that Mr. E cares about our wedding and wants to be involved. For that reason, I generally run most of my ideas and purchases by him. But then I feel guilty every time I shoot down one of his ideas. 
I dunno, I guess I just have this “vision” of what everything should look like, and then when he comes up with an idea that doesn’t quite “fit,” my automatic reflex is to say “No, we can’t do it that way!!” *shrug* The bridezilla in me, perhaps? I have a feeling that this is common (please tell me it is)? Am I being overly controlling?
For example, we recently discussed who we wanted to ask to do readings for the ceremony. He decided that he wanted his best friend’s parents to do a reading, since they were like second parents to him. Great, sounds good to me! So he asked them, and they were happy to do it. Then they asked him what they should read. Mr. E, blissfully unaware, said something along the lines of, “Oh, just pick something nice and meaningful.”
When he relayed this to me later, I was like, “WHAT?!? You told them to pick something?? We are supposed to pick it!!!”
I can’t fault him for this because I just assumed he knew that we chose the reading. But he pouted and asked, “Why can’t they just pick something and read it? What’s the big deal?”
“Uhm, it just doesn’t work that way… what if the reading they choose doesn’t “fit” with our ceremony?”
Me = control freak?
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I think that you might be pleasantly surprised with what they choose for you. Maybe let him “have” this decision (or lack thereof). You can choose a reading for your reader.
I’m with your FI. What IS the big deal? I had our readers pick our readings. They were great. If you don’t like what they pick, then just pick something else.
You = exactly what I think most brides would have done. 
From here, I would give FI a few suggestions (print out like five and give to FI to give to them) to let the parents select from…that would be safest, I’d think. Unless you know and trust them, too!
I found one of our readings through a Knottie bio (sorry, couldn’t tell you which one now). It’s called “Union” by Robert Flughum. It’s very different than traditional readings, and that is why we love it so much. When it came time to decide who to ask, we both thought of the same person at the same time, FI’s cousin that is just a few years younger than us. Anyway, long story short, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I have a vision of my wedding, and I want to achieve that vision as much as possible. Letting my reader pick the reading just was not an option for me. Besides, shouldn’t I like what is being read at MY wedding?
Hrmm, I think my main concern with them choosing the reading is that they are quite religious, whereas the two of us are not. Therefore our ceremony is going to be non-denominational… so I’m worried that if we let them choose, it will end up being a sermon type thing, which there is nothing wrong with, but its just not US, and wouldn’t go with the flow of our wedding… =/ heh heh
I AM SO WITH YOU! I am the exact same way… my FI will try to do the same thing and I just tell him no! I feel bad too… but he usually decides not to pick the fight if he doesn’t get his way.
I think the others are right that it will be good even if you don’t pick it because its from someone he loves and they won’t mess it up. But if you feel more comfortable, you can still pick it! I’m sure they won’t mind…
Good luck!
Why not have them pick a few readings and then have them ok it with you first?
If they were like 2nd parents to him, I’d trust their instincts and be grateful they were so good to your hubby to be and worry less about whether their reading “fits” into your ideals.
That’s just it..I don’t blame you. We’re going to give the readers some choices of things,but I really don’t want them picking-particularly as a couple of the readers may pick something I’d be offended by.
I’d say to let them pick out a few options to run by you — you might be surprised with a selection of theirs that you end up loving. Or, you could still leave the options open to them but present a couple of readings along the lines that you were thinking of for them to use as references, so they know what type of reading you want.
for me, getting married was first and foremost about creating a new family, and so, it was really important to me that each of the people we chose to do readings choose their own. We also had a non-denominational ceremony, but if my mother had told me she wanted to read a psalm, that would have been okay because for us, the day was as much about our families as it was us, and that’s part of who she is. In the end, both of our readers (his brother, my sister) did a great job. They both elected to run their selections by us, and they were great! For you, it may be different, and your idea of what your marriage means as symbolized by your ceremony is very important. Your readers are honoring your marriage by contributing to your ceremony. You can view it as having them communicate to your audience what you think marriage is about or as having them share their own contribution to your union. Neither way is wrong.
…wow. I think you need to chill out a bit. A “wrong” reading by a couple who your FI considers as second parents will not ruin your wedding. You should be appreciative of the effort they’re putting into this and their willingness to do it because of their love for your FI. No one likes a bridezilla.
The EXACT same conversation occurred between my FI and I, except it was his sister doing the reading.
Miss Emerald = control freak. I concur with s you need to chill. They were like second parents to him they seem to do a good job so trust their judgment on this. Are you looking for their participation or are you looking for actors to mouth the words that you picked out?
don’t worry too much. if they’re like second parents to him, he knows them well enough to know that they aren’t likely to choose something that isn’t meaningful. besides, this way, you get to be surprised by something positive that people have to say rather than telling them what they should say. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it might be more special this way.
On another level, I totally understand. I talked with my FI tonight about plans for the wedding, and he kept saying ‘whatever you want, honey.’ I told him I didn’t want it to be my wedding, but ours. He seems to have ideas all the time, to be honest. He told me that he wants it to be our wedding, too, but that I shoot every idea that he has down, so he leaves it to me because I’m more opinionated about it, or have done more research, etc. So, yeah. I felt like an evil control freak when I realized I really had been shooting every idea of his down. I guess what I need to do, actually, is sit him down with my bridal books. Dang. I wish they weren’t ‘bridal’, but ‘engaged couple’s planning’ books, he might be more likely to read them. Or not.
Heh, well I’m glad not everyone thinks I’m crazy! But thanks for the feedback, I think I will take the advice of giving them a number of options, or giving them a general topic which will help them pick something appropriate (the importance of family, or love, etc.)…
as an ocd control freak type of person, i totally understand how you feel miss emerald. but looking back you’ll see that it really isn’t that bad to let go. 
now if only i could learn how too.
here’s another point — some people may not want to choose the reading and would be very happy to have you tell them what you like. It’s your wedding, they want what will make you happy, and will be nervous that they will pick something that will make you unhappy. Also, picking a reading can be really difficult and not something everyone does everyday. It’s not actually fair to make them do that work. I agree that you should give them some choices and help them out.
fi likes to mention things he thinks would be “nice to do” and “nice to have.” my response is ALWAYS “and who is going to pay for that?” it sounds so mean, but i am trying to be realistic!
luckily, thanks to fi’s strict budgeting, we may be able to actually afford some/most of his suggestions!
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Mrs. Emerald, Chicago
Age and Occupation: 26, Wedding Planner
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Paralegal
Engagement Date: October 8, 2006
Wedding Date: September 2007
Blogging Since: November 29, 2006
Venue: Hyatt Lodge, Oak Brook IL
About Me: I have been dreaming about my wedding forever, and flipping through bridal magazines since high school, so I am in my element! I am calling our theme "Vintage Inspired French/Asian Fusion." Mr. Emerald is very involved in the planning process, but of course he generally defers to me cuz I have a strong opinion of how I want everything to be :-).
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