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My mother wants to have a small ceremony at her house and then a dinner at some restaurant afterwards. No reception. She says since my fiance and I live together, we don’t need the presents that are given at a reception. To me a reception is about a celebration to share with family and friends, not about presents! I feel like she’s trying to create a family reuinion for my 7 siblings instead of a happy wedding celebration. How do I tell her what I want, when I’ve already told her what I want?
Tessa
Who is paying for the wedding? If you are, then I think you should tell your mom you understand her opinion, but would like to have the wedding you want. If she is paying, you two are going to have to work on a compromise. Maybe a wedding in a park then a small reception at a nearby hotel?
If your mom is paying, she does get some say, but I don’t think it gives her license to say that what you want does not matter at all. I am so sorry that you are going through this. The fact that you live together should not change a thing.
I don’t think wanting a reception vs. dinner is being greedy for gifts.
I had a very similar situation with my mother. She is very anti-wedding and just wants us to have a small ceremony at home and little party at their house afterwards. The problem is there are too many family members and friends we want to be there, so we are planning it ourselves.
You don’t have to have any kind of wedding that you don’t want to have! Plan a reception yourself. Maybe your mom will see how important it is to you and help out.
Good luck!
I think being firm is important. Also, take into account what your FH wants and talk to you mom about how it is a day about “you and him.” Two is always stronger than one. Good luck. It seems to me that your mom might be a little upset about you guys living together already.
Presents aren’t necessarily given for the reception…I’ve actually always thought of them as being given for the wedding itself, and would still give one in the situation your mother describes.
It sounds as if she’s making a judgement on your living situation, and my personal reaction would be to tell her to keep her $$ and plan whatever I wanted on my own dime.
I don’t think a reception = presents. I agree that a reception is a chance to celebrate with the people you care about. Whether or not you are living together beforehand…you are still making a lifetime commitment to another person. Of course that is cause for celebration. Do what you and your FI want, not what you mom wants!
as someone who did pretty much what other people want (aka, my parents and his parents) , i have to tell you — think really long and hard about what you want. because you’ll only have one wedding. and you should do what you’re comfortable doing for your own wedding — or you’ll just regret it further down the line.
my regret was that i didn’t push hard for a small private wedding and capitulated to our parents wanting a big wedding with 80% of the guests being people i never heard of or never met before. it also didn’t help that we got stuck with the bill too. it’s really hard to argue with parents especially when they’re pretending to be the victims — but i think a wedding is one of the few things in your life that you should think hard about - in terms of deciding whether or not to capitulate to your parents’ wishes.
and i don’t think the point of a reception is to have gifts. a reception is just a dinner with a lot more people. you just need to tell her exactly who you want at your wedding. gifts are totally besides the point.
That is tough, as it sounds like you mom’s real problem is that you’re living together. Don’t know about the money situation (who’s paying for what), but I would suggest letting her know again what you want, and then starting to plan your own reception. I think lots of people end up having 2 “receptions”. Perhaps you could compromise on one smaller “family reunion” type reception wherever she wants, and a larger party reception that you and your FI want. I think we all know that receptions are not for getting presents, but as you said, for celebrating the lifelong commitment you are making to each other. In the end you won’t be able to please everyone, so make sure you and your FI are happy! Good luck!
Thanks so much for all the comments and help, I have to think long on how to go about this without offending her or anyone.
Thanks again 
Oh, I think you have already offended her by living together before marriage! Frankly I would be offended if my mom thought I was getting married just for the gifts. Maybe explain to her, crassly, that it will cost much more to throw a big party than you will receive in gifts, and the point is to celebrate you two, your commitment and life together.
What your mom might be implying - and this is not so nice - is that you two getting married now isn’t worth celebrating because … pick from the possible offensive reasons… you have already shamed yourselves by living together, you aren’t virgins, you clearly aren’t (her idea of) religious so the marriage is just a formality, etc. That is what I think is between the lines of her “suggestion”. Unless she has a long history of railing against the wedding-industrial complex.
Dont worry about offending most people by the act of getting married and throwing a party. As long as you don’t put your registry on the invite, you aren’t grubbing for gifts. And the old fuddy-duddies will either come and be happy for you or should stay home.
I would be very upfront with her about what you want on your wedding day (ie. a celebration with friends and family and give an estimated head count) and see if she is or is not willing to contribute to your ideas and how long the strings are. There is a time for compromise and a time for funding it yourself to be able to make your own decisions.
The wedding gifts are *wedding* gifts, not reception gifts. Generally, guests at the wedding give gifts, and they are supposed to be sent before the wedding, not brought to the reception.
This is your wedding. Do what you want. It might be difficult without financial help from your parents, but in the long run you will be much better off. If you are mature enough to be married, you are mature enough to stand up to your parents and tell them that you want to do this your way. It sounds to me that your mother disapproves of your living together before marriage–you told her you were moving in with your boyfriend, you can tell her you’re having your own wedding too.
If you want to be married in a church, go for it! I can’t imagine any church turning you away because you’ve been living together–they should *want* you to get married instead of continuing to live in sin, right? And if all you can afford for a reception is a party with cake and punch, do that. No one will blame you for having the reception you can afford, they are there to celebrate your marriage.
Good luck!
If you have to through your own reception (ie, mom won’t help pay), it is definitely possible to do it on the cheap. FI and I are self catering and self dj-ing, using the “party room” in a friend’s condo building. Our reception should be less than $500!
If you have to throw your own reception (ie, mom won’t help pay), it is definitely possible to do it on the cheap. FI and I are self catering and self dj-ing, using the “party room” in a friend’s condo building. Our reception should be less than $500!
First figure out your budget & guest list and then tailor the celebration so it is within your means (i.e. better to invite everyone you want for something casual vs. inviting only a few to something too expensive). What your mom is talking about sounds like the REHEARSAL DINNER — a more intimate dinner with those who are the closest friends/family. Let her manage and pay for the rehearsal dinner (or day-after brunch, or family engagement party?); meanwhile you should plan the wedding you will always remember fondly. Over time it can be an issue if you didn’t invite someone to your wedding that you really *should* have — not so much a test of friendship, but it can be a sore spot going forward.
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