Mommy Dearest&#8230;

Mommy Dearest…

January 10th, 2007 @ 5:30 pm by Mrs. Emerald
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Last night I was chatting with a girlfriend who said that her mother disliked most of her wedding-related choices. This made me pause and think… I guiltily realized that I’ve been leaving my mother out of much of my wedding planning. Well, we did choose the venue that she and my dad always wanted me to get married at. And since they are paying for a large chunk of the reception, they will be involved in the menu tastings, etc., later on down the road. It was also important for me to go dress shopping with her, and she was there the very first time I put on a wedding gown. But since then, Mr. E and I have basically taken it from there. I figured that since we are paying for everything else, most of the decisions are ours to make… right…?

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Mom very much, but mothers always have something to say about everything, haha. Therefore I am just worried that she will continually bah humbug my choices and decisions, which will lead to arguments and overall disgruntledness. This was already the case early on in the process when she complained about the size of our bridal party, and we argued about the size of their guestlist.

How normal is this? How involved are your parents, and more importantly, your mother? In what ways can I involve her which will have the least possibility of conflict?

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11 Responses to “Mommy Dearest…”

Guest

turtle

My parents live in TX while I live in PA, so my fiance and I had to do pretty much everything ourselves. My mom wasn’t around for any of my dress shopping trips, but during a quick trip in town, I took her to see the dress I bought. Because my parents are paying for most of the wedding, I do like to keep them in the loop. I email them with updates on contracts and confirmations, I email photos and ideas to them, and I call all the time to update them in general and to get suggestions. They do tend to nitpick at everything but I’ve gotten used it from living with them all my life growing up. It’s pretty nice having separation so I dont’ have the guilt of handling most things myself, but I also take note to make my parents feel included.

1/10/07 @ 5:40 pm (reply)

Guest

gaby

i was on the exact same boat as you. and in the end i choose not to involve one person more than the other. I lived with my parents so they knew what was going on, but it’s not like there were weekly updates. My mom complained about everything and in the end made it clear to everyone that she was not involved. it caused a great deal of pain for me and a lot of tension between the two of us. But what can you do? I just brushed things off and cried a lot with FI throughtout the planning process. Things worked out though. Everyone’s happy once the “big day” arrives. OH - but i did assign each parent a task so that they couldn’t say we didn’t involve them. My dad got the Mariachi band and my mom was incharge of many small misc. tasks.

I also need to be incontrol (personal issue), so it was hard for me to let go and let them help plan. I had too many ideas and knew exactly what i wanted.

1/10/07 @ 5:47 pm (reply)

Guest

Katiey

I kept my parents in the loop with updates and photos of dresses, cakes, etc. I didn’t have much for my family to physically do until about 2 months out: tastings, fittings, gift wrapping. My mom did help address and send invitations.
You’re right though. Many of the tasks are things that you can do much easier by yourself as your schedule allows.

1/10/07 @ 5:51 pm (reply)

Guest

Miss Kiwi

I guess I’m lucky in that my mom and dad wait to be asked. If I need something, I ask. They rarely volunteer information, and are very easy going when it comes to the wedding. It’s pretty much me saying, “Hey mom, I like this cake” or “Dad, come with me to the florist?” It’s nice, because I can have their participation if I ask for it, but until then, they let me decide on my own, and just give me opinions when I ask for them.

1/10/07 @ 6:12 pm (reply)

Guest

Laura

My mom has been great… offering suggestions (but not too many)and helping me see things clearly when I can’t. My FMIL is another story. She has a book… and thinks we should do things “by the book.” In her defense, she has accepted us saying no to some of her suggstions easily. You have to do what you want to do and have a wedding that is reflective of who you are as a couple. I have found that bending on things that aren’t super important to us helps keep the peace though. Good luck!

1/10/07 @ 6:16 pm (reply)

Guest

Jen L

My mom and FMIL have both gone out of their way to be hands-off and emphasize that it’s my wedding and I can do whatever I want (it helps that FI and I are both very independent, and are paying for virtually everything ourselves). My dad made the mistake of getting involved with the bridesmaids dresses, of all things, but he quickly learned.

It’s nice because I can include my family on my own terms (sometimes making stuff up to do to make them feel included!) and I don’t have all of “do it this way” stress. Thank goodness.

1/10/07 @ 7:35 pm (reply)

Guest

Miss H

My mom tries to own the show sometimes, but I just ignore her comments when she gets pushy. It’s hard because I love her and want to tell her all about everything, but I get the feeling that she wants my wedding to be exactly like her wedding, and we have VERY different styles.

I think it’s normal for you to take on most of the decisions, especially since you are paying for the wedding. You should do whatever causes the least amount of stress for you

1/10/07 @ 8:40 pm (reply)

Guest

Brooklyn2008

I share things either:
a. when they are decided or
b. when even if we disagreed and I went with her way, it doesn’t matter to me.

I have been burned too many wedding times to do otherwise- telling her what we were thinking and getting comments that were loaded and judgmental, in the name of helping.

1/10/07 @ 10:03 pm (reply)

Guest

Helen

It’s so difficult. My older brother’s wedding was a disaster (my mum doesn’t get on with his wife) and she has made it absolutely clear that mine will be her chance to shine and do things her way.

Even though my partner’s not yet proposed, it’s certain that it’s in the pipeline, and even at this stage, she’s making comments regarding what kind of ceremony we may or may not have and who my bridesmaids would be. It will be interesting to see what happens when we decide who and how we are going to pay for this wedding as that may determine what I’m able to say. My partner’s already said that he’s worried about my Mum and how she will be when he proposes.

I do dread the day itself, when it comes, though, because I know that she’s capable of ruining my enjoyment of anything if she chooses to make a fuss and so I will be on edge all day to make sure that she’s satisfied.
I think Brooklyn2008 sounds like she has it down pat. I may have to attempt that method, though I somehow doubt that my Mum will allow herself to not be the centre of discussion.

I guess it’s a case of balancing what is required for self-preservation. How much can you protect yourself while also placating others and thereby also protecting yourself…

1/11/07 @ 8:38 am (reply)

10.

Guest

Pencils

My mom’s been great. I’ve taken her to all my dress shopping expeditions–all two of them–and she paid for my dress. My mom’s a great seamstress and therefore has a good eye, so she was excellent to bring along from a practical viewpoint. And she’s agreed to look into making me a simple bustle to keep the alteration costs down. She has also agreed to make a wedding cheesecake–she made one for my sister’s wedding, and I’ve always wanted one, so although my venue package comes with a cake, I still want the wedding cheesecake. The venue cake will be made into cupcakes, I think. Other than those two things, my fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. My parents have only been helpful, and I think it helps that we’re older than your average first-time couple. I wish my FMiL was making suggestions, even unwanted ones–she died of breast cancer on Thanksgiving, before we started planning.

1/11/07 @ 10:11 am (reply)

11.

Guest

Every time someone asks my mom how the wedding plans are going she just laughs and says she doesn’t really know. She is hands off although not in a bad way. I think she understands I already know what I want and she isn’t really into all of it anyway. So most of the time I go to my FMIL who has already had 3 children married off and is constantly helping with other relatives weddings. I don’t want my mom to feel left out so I usually let her know what is going on. It’s been tough worrying about everyones’ feelings and what they think but FI supports whatever I want so that feels good.

1/11/07 @ 2:50 pm (reply)