Weddingbee

I’m beginning to understand what Steve Martin felt in Father of the Bride. There’s just so much stuff to think about when planning a wedding. I’m utterly convinced that males are lacking a gene that allows them to be able to plan a wedding.

I can plan a 20 person movie night. I can plan a beer pong party. I can even plan a star wars 100 person convention in someone’s backyard. But when it comes to 1 wedding - I’m completely clueless….rather useless.

My only litmus test if something is good or not is whether or not it’s squishy enough. Regardless of what it is, this is my only measure of quality. If it’s squishy - then it’s good.

Prior to this whole experience, I thought the wedding only needed 3 things to be planned.

1. food.
2. booze.
3. some minister dude.

But man - there’s so much more. There’s the valet guy, the servers, the ’stations’, the cocktails, the runner, the ring boy, the flower girl, the photographer - whether or not you want a videographer, the color theme, the picking of the groomsmen, the transportation, the orientation of the tables, who gets to sit where, the reception hall reservation, insurance on the DJ, type of music to play, whether or not there will be a live giraffe at the party, the after-party, the napkins, the invitations, the save the dates, the lights, the cameras, the action afterwards, the in laws, the paperwork, the dress, the shoes, the buttons….the list goes on.

And guys - lemme give you a rundown how it works in this business.

Let’s say your wife-to-be sends you out on the important errand of buying a pencil. Now normally the transaction goes like this

you: Hi, I would like to buy a pencil
pencil seller: Sure, that’ll be $1
you: (give buck and take pencil) Thanks!
pencil seller: No problem. Please come again!

But when it comes to the ‘word’ wedding - it goes down like this:

you: Hi, I would like to buy a wedding pencil.
pencil seller: Sure, that’ll be $143.14 with the optional insurance and cancellation fee of $32.56 cents
you: wtf mate!? It’s a stupid pencil!
pencil seller: Well - this is in high demand right now, it’s one of a kind. Your wife will think its perfect. We have many happy customers (whips out photo album with random names scribbled in and dates)
you: ok ok. ugh…
pencil seller: Before you decide, would you like to purchase the “deluxe package”? Most of our grooms and brides go for this package. It comes complete with lead.
you: Wait - it doesn’t come with lead? How can I use a pencil without lead?
pencil seller: Oh - no. There’s no lead in the package you’re getting. But you’re in luck. Normally if you were to buy wedding lead elsewhere it’s $55. We have it on sale for $54.99
you: ….
pencil seller: All I need is your email address, phone number and your first down payment of $80.
you: *sigh* (signs weird forms, takes pencil.)
pencil seller: Please come again!
you: I hate you

2 days later you get a bajillion phone calls and emails from photographers asking you if you have a photographer yet.

If you think about it - this market is crazy. It’s like how all these electronics are adding the letter “i” to everything and then jacking up the price. iPhone! iSpeakers! iEarbuds!

Now imagine adding wedding too - that’s MAD bank you can make there! Wedding iPod! only $120983 dollars!

Bottomline - I’m thankful, cause I’m with someone that doesn’t really stress too much for the wedding to be perfect. In fact, we’re always laughing at the idea that our wedding will be an utter disaster. People on fire, ceiling caving in, bears running amuck. In the end, all I can wish for, is a little bit of fun, a lot of love, 2 dogs, and some cheese. If I have that - then it’s a perfect wedding to me.

GROOM’S WORD FOR THE DAY:

Bustle - (buhs-uhl) the back end part of the brides’ dress that needs to be tied up and shackled to your bride’s badunkadunk so she can dance.

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