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With the arrival of 2007, Mr. E and I decided to bust out our guestlist which we compiled early on in our engagement. It was initially at 90+… but with a cut here and a trim there, we are now at a manageable 73. And 3 out of the 73 are children, so its really the 70 adults that I’m considering. Good stuff, eh? But, this is just strictly our own list that I am referring to - our friends, their dates and a few miscellaneous kids.
Anywhoo, our list is not set in stone yet. We are still fumbling with the difficult question of, “who gets to bring a date, and who doesn’t?” We hate to upset some friends who may want to bring someone, especially when they see that a few people actually are allowed to bring dates. *sigh*
When we started this process in late October, our plan was that we get to invite 75 of our friends, and each set of parents also have a 75 guest limit. Our venue holds 200, so we are just barely pushing it. My parents’ list (which they showed me about 2 months ago) consisted of 93 names of family members, a number of their friends who I’ve known for years, and maybe about 10 names of their friends whom I’m clueless about. But now I’m scared to ask to see the list again because I have no doubt that it has somehow magically grown in the last 2 months.
In term’s of Mr.E’s parents, we’ve been having trouble extracting any sort of list from them. His mother recently said, “Your dad has already put together a list. Maybe 65-75 people.”
Really?
*Gulp* It sounds too good to be true. I want to get my hands on it soon before it doubles. Of course the names will all be written in Chinese so it makes no difference because we can’t read it! I just hope that their list of 65-75 actually includes the guests’ spouses and families. For example, Mr. E’s sister’s wedding was just this past October. One of their parents’ friends sent back an RSVP. with +18 on it! WTF!? In order to prevent this problem, we are planning to write the following on our RSVP’s:
___ Seats Have Been Reserved in Your Honor
Obviously we will be filling in the # in the ___. Has anyone actually done this on their invites, and how did it work for you? I’ve heard it may backfire, that people will:
A) Cross out your number and write something else, or
B) Disregard that number and just bring additional guests anyway.
This may be especially tricky for guests on his parents’ side who are used to the traditional Chinese Banquet style receptions. With those, you can generally accommodate additional guests by just pulling up another chair or two to the table. But not so easy in our case!
I received an invitation last year that read:
“__ of _2_ will be attending”. And my friend received an invitation of “___ of _1_ will be attending” so that there was no question of whether or not they get to bring a guest. BUT we the bride and groom were young and so was my friend who wasn’t allowed to bring a guest, so it was no big deal. I can see how the older generations may be a little insulted though.
Koreans are also notorious for not sending in RSVP’s and bringing their entire family to the wedding. My RSVP’s said ___ of 2 will be attending or ___ or 1 will be attending. No one crossed out the numbers, and no one brought extra people. But, I did work very very closely with my mom to make sure that she didnt have any friends who were coming last minute. Since my family was paying, I told Mr. Butterfly’s family that they had 1 table only. They worked with that too.
i’m also chinese, and had an interracial marriage last year. my side of the family was used to chinese weddings+banquets, so it was very difficult to get the exact number of guests down, since all of my relatives would all assume that they could bring people even though their invitations stated exactly how many people they could bring (i.e. all the names of the invitees. we figured that if we didn’t know the name of their gf/bf/so, that person wasn’t invited. this took a lot of work on our part though, to get the exact names of all the potential guests first so we could put it on the invitations.)
traditionally chinese people tend to pull whoever they happen to be with to the banquet, so i was afraid 50 people would randomly show up at the reception! since we were serving steak/lobster and each additional person would be SUPER-expensive, and each no-show a big waste, i was adamant about this to my parents. of course it still wasn’t perfect in the end, but i think the pre-work we did on asking for guests’ names helped.
I think that graciette2’s suggestion is good. My sister had over 300+ people at her wedding and there was no way I could accomodate that for mine (I am capping out at 150), so essentially when it came to the guestlist, I handled my parents and he handled his. Lucky for him, my parents were the difficult ones so I provided a headcount limit for them and he provided the same for his parents. We have our fingers crossed but they haven’t given us a hard time about the limit we put on them. The best advice I ever got from a married friend was let the son/daughter of the respective parents fight the battles. If you are concerned about your fiance’s parents list coming back a bit higher than anticipated, have him address the issue. Be sure that you are both on the same page first and pick the battles you want to fight carefully as there are bound to be many.
I’m in your boat too! My reception place only holds 250, but our list is somehow at a little less than 300. How are you dealing with going over the limit? Are you just going to hope that a certain percentage can’t go? Thats what we were going to do but I don’t know if thats risky bc you’re supposed to assume 100% are going. I’m also curious about what to put on the invites bc what if less ppl can go than what you reserved, then do they cross it out and put in the new number? Sorry, I’m no help but I’m also curious about this!
I’m having a headache after reading this and thinking about my Chinese guestlist. =(. Thanks for the comments and ideas…this is really helpful.
Actually, I have a question regarding guest lists. Everybody knows that not 100% on your guest list will come. About what percentage should you expect your guests to RSVP that they will be coming?
This is SO timely. My fiance and I have had a guestlist headache going for awhile now — he has a HUGE, very close-knit extended family, and parents who feel obligated to invite all kinds of distant relatives. 65% of the people on our guest list are his/their friends or family. It makes me sick to my stomach, because I was afraid this was going to happen — and they’re not budging. Their response was “this isn’t just about you” (!!!). These are very kind and wonderful and normal people but I don’t understand why they think that everyone and their mother should be invited to our wedding. GAH GAH GAH.
I was thinking about using the
“__ out of 2 people will be attending” idea…
there will always be people who will scribble in “can I bring my girlfriend?”, but i rather have those people ask me in person that scribbe it on my rsvp card. eh. what can you do?
you have no idea how many people have already said “where’s my invitation” - and they’re usually the people that aren’t on the guest list…
such a sensitive process! yowza
Ughh, major headaches, right ladies?? Like I said, our venue holds 200, and even with that many, it feels TIGHT and cramped in there! So since we hope to invite around 225 - 230, I’m gonna hope that at least 15% are going to decline. This would put us slightly under 200, which would make me HAPPY! FYI, Mr. E’s sister’s wedding was a few months ago, and their parents guestlist alone was 300+!!! So thats why I am suspicious about their 65-75 person list, haha!
I heard the average % decline rate is 20% but depends greatly on factors such as # of out of town invites, if its on a holiday weekend, etc.
We had a few that just didn’t show up that night for no apparent reason, and a couple that were invited that I didn’t know very well by their friends to come along, so it kind of balanced itself out in the end. My mom had extra people she wanted to invite (and just a few more, and if we have space…). The way I dealt with it was, since we (read I) were paying for the entire thing ourselves was: “Your table seats 10. With the number of people at your table already, you don’t have a seat.” She squeazed in, but she also didn’t invite more people that we didn’t know/ had never met.
i was thinking about having two seperate receptions. one low key chinese banquet type for our families with none of the fixings except the great chinese banquet dinner, and then a smaller intimate wedding of my dreams with just friends and coworkers who might be able to appreciate the little things like the ambiance and the dj more.
We had to give a Final Final headcount to the hall 3 days before the wedding. At that point we were 98% confirmed on #’s and seating. His mother gave the caterer the exact amount she had on her seating chart. My mother subtracted one from each of her six tables. She figured people who say they will come don’t, and she’d rather have the waiter pull up an extra chair than pay for the empty seat. It’s not like they were gonna run out of food for those extra 6 people if they all did show up in the end. Six of my moms confirmed people did not show, and she didn’t pay for them. 4 of my mother-in-laws did not either, and it cost her $400 for nothing.
Our venue is very strict about the headcount, I can see why because we reserved a small banquet room. HOw do you deal with single guests that want to bring someone? A friend of mine wants to bring her “boyfriend” that she met online with less than 3 real dates under the belt. As we’re paying a lot for each guest, I find it necessary, but difficult, to let her know we only want guests to bring their “significant other”.
I’m glad that I’m not the only one with this dilemma. We’re having a Chinese banquet, and I want to cap it off at 300 people. FI’s parents are paying for the banquet. (But, we may have to pay for some of it due a sudden circumstance.) FI’s parents already have about 150 on their list, with friends, “Who the heck are they?” friends, and relatives. My parents have about 90 on our side. That leaves my FI and I with 110 to play with. I’ve lost touch with a lot of my friends, both single and married. With the singles, I don’t know if I should even put down ” + guest” on the invites since I’ve never met the s.o’s before. And, I don’t even know their status. I don’t want just anyone to attend the wedding. My FI is inviting almost every singe of his friends, some of whom he haven’t even spoken to for a long time and those he JUST met. I was thinking only the married and engaged may bring their s.o’s. Am I being selfish since I (myself) might end up paying for my family’s half?
Oh man. I think I’m in the same boat as Aliya. We’re going to try and cap it off at 150 people, but it’ll probably be more like 175-200. His family is wonderful, but I’m really hoping that they understand that we aren’t into a huge wedding. I think they know we’d get married outdoors and with only the immediate families if we could. We’re working on it… we haven’t told them how many people they get to invite yet. I’m scared for that day.
im going thru the same dilemma! two of my guests have just RSVPed w/ their dates coming when i only put their name on the guest list! i feel soo bad calling them up and telling them that their guest can’t come, especially b/c they are from out of town. i am not sure if i should just let it slide or call them out on it?? im not a confrontational person!!
ugg boots, drugs whatever send me i order all - ok toff ? here i my adress observations
yacumos@gmail.com
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Mrs. Emerald, Chicago Age and Occupation: 26, Wedding Planner Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Paralegal Engagement Date: October 8, 2006 Wedding Date: September 2007 Blogging Since: November 29, 2006 Venue: Hyatt Lodge, Oak Brook IL About Me: I have been dreaming about my wedding forever, and flipping through bridal magazines since high school, so I am in my element! I am calling our theme "Vintage Inspired French/Asian Fusion." Mr. Emerald is very involved in the planning process, but of course he generally defers to me cuz I have a strong opinion of how I want everything to be :-).
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