Weddingbee Blog

Update: Said “top.”

One of my bridesmaids invited me to be her date to a wedding this past weekend, and I was more than happy to oblige. I love weddings! I get new ideas, get to eat free food and get all emotional. All at the same time.

Now, the invitation was a little last minute. I don’t think I was her first choice! I kid. I kid. But I was in a bind for something to wear and low on funds for something new. I did some searching in my closet the night before and realized I had the perfect little black cocktail dress. I was good to go.

Sunday night rolls around and I begin to get ready. I’ve got my hair curled, my makeup done and I even managed to rub a little self tanner onto my pasty legs. I go to my closet to put on the aforementioned dress. It’s a little snug. Actually, it’s REALLY snug. And when I say snug, I mean I can’t get the zipper past my rib cage. I try to stay calm. I know. I would put a body slimmer on. That will solve the problem. Nope. Not even close. Crap. I call my bridesmaid.

Me: “I have a small problem.”

Bridesmaid: “WHAT.”

Me: “I can’t fit into my dress.”

Bridesmaid: “You’re kidding me.”

Me: “I wish.”

Bridesmaid: “What are you going to do?”

Me: “Let me try to squeeze it on again. I’ll call you back.”

Bridesmaid: “You better not ditch me! I’m not going to this by myself!”

Me: “I’ll call you back”

I sat on the bed and stared at the dress. There was no way. Absolutely no way. Short of rubbing Crisco all over my body and removing the zipper–it just wasn’t going to happen. It was too late to go shopping. I tried calling some of my friends to see if I could borrow something. No one picked up. Damn!

I had to figure something out. Fast. Black pants. I could wear black pants. But what on top!? I had nothing fancy enough for a wedding! It was supposed to be semiformal to formal. I went rummaging through all my drawers and pulled out this lace/see through baby doll lingerie. No. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. But I did. I put on a black tank top. Put the baby doll top over it. Threw on a couple of strands of long pearls, a pair of 3 inch heels and my long black coat. I called my bridesmaid back.

Me: “Okay, I found something to wear.”

Bridesmaid: “Oh good! What?”

Me: “You don’t want to know.”

Bridesmaid: “WHAT.”

Me: “Black pants.”

Bridesmaid: “That’s totally fine!”

Me: “And the rest you have to see for yourself.”

Twenty minutes later, she was at my doorstep. I opened the door and just stood there.

Bridesmaid: “You look cute!”

Me: “It’s lingerie.”

Bridesmaid: “Shut-up.”

I didn’t take my coat off the entire night. Oh, the shame.