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I love kids, don’t get me wrong. We plan on having 3. We have names picked out and I love looking at baby clothes, cribs and nursery decor. My friends who are older than me think I’m very strange. Now, I’m in graduate school and a bit of a feminist when it comes to certain issues. I’m definitely not a burn-my-bra kinda gal, but I believe in a little “girl power” every now and then.
The reason I mention this, is my fiance’s parents, aunts and cousins (heck, even people I hardly know) all lecture me when it comes to “waiting to have kids.” “Don’t wait too long.” “You don’t want to be an old mother.” “You should definitely have some kids before 30.” “You could have complications later.” I really can’t stand it anymore. I’m 25 years old people. My Mom had me (her first child) when she was 32. I turned out just fine, thanks.
The thing that upsets me is I have no intentions of waiting that long. We want to start “trying” after a year and a half of marriage. I’ll be 27. My fiance’s cousin was also 25 when she got married. The only difference is she didn’t pursue any post-graduate studies, and she was more than willing to give up her job to have kids. No one pressured her.
I feel slightly discriminated against because I’m the “grad school” type. I’ve told them it makes me uncomfortable and since then, it’s….lessened. I just feel like I’m being targeted for wanting a career and children, and I don’t think that’s fair. They tell me that’s not the case, but what are they supposed to say? “We feel that because you are a, what’s the word we’re looking for - ‘feminist’ - that you will probably be inclined to wait longer to have children and we would like to voice our opinions on that matter.” Yeah, they’re probably not going to say that even if that’s what they’re thinking.
Now, I also feel reverse pressure from my friends. I mentioned earlier how my friends think I’m strange for always talking about kids, baby names and reading baby magazines while studying at Barnes and Noble. I get pressure from them to pursue my career further, and wait longer to have kids so I can use my degree to its maximum potential. “Kids can wait. You should travel, start a private practice, use your degree after 21 years of school.” Most of my friends plan on waiting longer than I am to have kids, and I’m one of the youngest in my class since I went straight from undergrad into Optometry school.
Why are people so open about their opinions when it comes to other people having kids? I usually keep my mouth shut about that subject unless asked. We’re sticking to our plan no matter what anyone else says, but I’ve really hit my limit when it comes to this. My replies to opinions are becoming more snide, and I’m not sure I like that either. I especially don’t want to be rude to my fiance’s family. I’ve seriously reached my tolerance level though. Wow. This was quite a vent. Now, your turn!
First, how long do you plan on waiting to have children?
Do you get “pressure” and unwanted opinions when it comes to having kids from parents, in-laws or even people who hardly know you? How do you handle it?
Also, does anyone else get reverse pressure like me?
We get rude comments, because Andrew got a vasectomy. We aren’t having children. But people like to stick their noses into other’s people’s business, and think they can run my life, or change my mind. People just suck.
I totally understand! I am in a very similar situation, and I get reverse pressure from my peers and “you don’t want to wait too long” from my family. I think the only thing you can do is vent in private and just say, ‘well, we’ve made a plan and it’s a good one.’ or say nothing. Many people are very private about when they start trying and when they plan to, and it’s good. Remember the thing from elementary school, if the boys are teasing you, ignore them and maybe they will get bored and go away? If you have a plan and you’re confident about it (whether or not you choose to share what it is) and people know that, they will eventually have to accept it. Good luck!
Since I am planning my second wedding, I can appreciate where you’re coming from the first time around. My ex-husband and I actually stopped using birth control a month before our wedding. I had several miscarriages and a very difficult time getting pregnant and I was only 27.
I found that opinions on this matter are so “free-flowing” and I don’t understand what on earth makes people think that it’s OK to harrass like that.
At first when anyone would ask, I would almost break down in tears, talk about the miscarriages and the fertility treatments and it would make them uncomfortable…not really my intent, but it shut them up.
Finally, I found the BEST comeback for the unwanted questions. I would ask in the sweetest way possible “Why they would possibly be interested in what goes on in my bedroom?” They would realize quite quickly that they were perhaps, out of line and then back off.
It never stopped the questions though. And I hate to be the one to tell you - but it’s worse once you get pregnant. Total strangers then decide you’re fair game for their opinions….
I feel for you, because I’ve been there (and I’m still there….people are dying to know if me and my FI are going to have “one of our own”)
My fiance went to law school so I packed up my things, put grad school on hold and followed him. Three years later we’re engaged, about to be married and I’m ready to head back to school - as I had intended before my life was put “on hold” so to speak. I’m not getting too much outside pressure, but I do resent the fact that people look at me askance when I say I want to go back to school. The general consensus seems to be “What’s the point? You’re going to have kids soon anyway and then all that educational expense will be wasted!”
Kind of annoys me sometimes.
I think everyone feels entitled to stick their nose in your business as far as major life decisions go. We have experienced it while buying our house and now with planning the wedding.
I have already received many comments on kids, and when I tell people that I don’t want kids, they dismiss it, and tell me that I will change my mind.
My family and friends are pretty much split in the middle… FI’s friends are actually dying for us to have one soon because they all want to be uncles..since none of them are near marriage at all… my best friends are wanting for me to have one.. but want me to wait till they have one so our kids can play together… my FI is estranged from his family..so no worries there! my family is pretty split.. my mom says she is DEF. not ready to be a grandma…neither is my grandma… but my grandfather insists that i have one right now! even though we are not married yet… he always asks about it..and is dying to name our children…when i think it should be up to the parents…
the worst part for me is when people give me “advice” on how to have a healthy baby… “you NEED to eat all your veggies.. no more fried food!”…”you need to get rid of your dog..it carries diseases and it will be hard for you to have a healthy baby”…”you need to lose weight and exercise so that when u have a baby it will be healthier”….these are the comments that i have learned to loathe hearing… but i hear them ALL the time from the elders….
My fiance has a huge family, and luckily there are 3 cousins who have been married for a while and haven’t had kids, so hopefully we won’t get harassed until they have kids.
I’m in medical school, so kind of the same situation. While my mom hints about when grandkids are coming once in a while, my father would KILL me if I had kids anytime soon, I’d be wasting his investment, lol. Lots of my colleagues are delaying having kids until after residency. Several are having kids, and one girl I know is having fertility treatment in the middle of medical school to try and have a kid (crazy!), so I feel that it would be ok either way. A kid doesn’t have to mean the end of YOUR career if you have a husband who is willing to make sacrafices as well.
I think your plan sounds like a good one. And sometimes people are just making conversation, they might not really even care what your answer is. As for your fiance’s family, it sounds like you’ve told them to back off with the questions, so I hope they will. Good luck Ms. Hibiscus!
My family have asked me several times when we will be starting a family, especially since my brother is about to have a baby, and my cousin has a one year old. I really don’t have any interest in trying to start having kids for 5-10 years, somewhere around 30-35 years old. I know that in a lot of people’s minds that is kind of old, but I have things I want to do before I have kids, plus I just don’t feel mature enough. In a few years I might change my mind and decide I’m ready, but for now I feel that’s the schedule for me.
I get some pressure from my best friend, who also has a one year old. She wants us to be able to go through everything together, which is nice, but all through the wedding process she kept mentioning how she couldn’t wait till I was pregnant because she would be able to help me so much more with that than with wedding planning.
My husband’s family was actually putting a little pressure on us before we were even engaged, and it’s on both sides of the issue. His grandmother has mentioned more than once that she would like to live to see her grandchildren. And his aunt has mentioned that she thinks kids are terribly annoying and not worth the trouble. Then there’s the fact that my husband is the last in his family line, the only male, so it’s up to us to carry on the family name.
Both of us come from liberal families with strong, successful mothers (a partner at a law firm and a coporate exec, big shoes to fill!). So the pressure has been the reverse you were talking about, at the same time they aren’t backing down from wanting to be grandparents (I’m an only child.) Our tentative plan is to wait till around 30, but I don’t think there is a magic age, just what feels right to you, and who knows you better than you and your FI.
I got married 2 months ago at the age of 34 and have no immediate plans to have children. We get some comments, and certainly we also have some concerns about starting a family at an age where we can still expect to be around for our childrens’ weddings, grandkids, etc… But I believe this is a personal decision and everyone has to do what’s best for them. In our case, we feel that we will be better parents knowing that we have established our careers and finances first, been able to travel and do things that we wanted to do to grow ourselves and then welcoming children at a time we feel better prepared and more settled. Perhaps we’re lucky to live in NYC, where the average age of newlyweds and first time parents is older than many other places (most of myfriends are only now starting to have children)… so the pressure is not terrible, but I suspect that everyone has to put up with this - whether they hope to become young parents, wait until they are older, or choose not to have children at all. Stick to your guns - as long as you and your FI are happy, that’s all that matters.
We’re not having children - I never wanted them and neither did FI, so it was great that we found each other! My mother has finally accepted that - or at least, has decided to keep her thoughts to herself and hope we’ll change our minds. My father, however, is another story. To keep him quiet, when he bugs me I offer to give birth then drop it off at their house for 18 years. 
I think no matter what anyone decides, there will always be some people who feel like they have the right to express their opinions about everyone else’s life. From watching my sister and several friends go through this - if you think it’s bad now, wait until you’re pregnant and total strangers give you “advice.”
we get lots of comments about all the family support we’ll get to have kids and etc etc. i do want kids one day but i want to be emotionally and financially capable before i do. i think a lot of it has to do with passing on the family line or they like to play with other people’s children but not have their own. 
Ugh…I’m in this situation with my now SIL-to be. She just got married in September and has been on the baby thing for MONTHS now. I have affectionately termed it “The Great Baby Race”. She quizzes me about when I’m having kids and says “Well, you are only 27, you have time. I’m 32. I have to have kids now.” It’s so nauseating. The worst part is that she talks about it constantly to my future MIL, especially when I’m around. Other than her, I haven’t had much pressure from either my family or his when it comes to babymaking.
Both my fiance and I are 25 also, and I guess we are lucky in the sense that we dont get pressured too much, but there is still pressure.
I am lucky in the sense that my future in laws are very relaxed about everything. My parents aren’t so bad either but they express their opinions quite often. haha. My mom and my dad have completely different views on the subject (good thing they are divorced or this might be a constant arguement between them). My dad is the “don’t wait too long, or you will have a really hard time” kinda guy. And my mom is a ultra feminist who believes that I should focus on my career and success before even thinking about having kids. And then you have friends, coworkers and complete strangers that put their two cents in.
I try not to let their opinions bother me too much. I try to understand, they all have their own reasons for feeling the way they do.
I know what my fiance and I would like to do and that’s really all that matters. We would like to wait about a year and a half to two years as well, before having our first. I def. want to have one before I am thirty but I also want some time with just my fiance and I before we do.
Oh and I have heard about total strangers trying to touch your belly while you are pregnant!!!
FH and I are older so we get the question all the time as our child bearing years are coming to an end.
I find it the absolute best when people tell me “oh some day you’ll understand” or even better “once you have kids you’ll totally get it”. Hmmm……what will I get? some transmittable disease because if you’re referring to understanding the sanctity of life, I already understand that, but thanks so much for questioning my integrity…..
usually i answer the people that so politely say we should immediately have kids before it’s too late, by looking them straight in the eye and saying “we’ve been trying for months now but have been unsuccessful, does that make you feel better?” that usually shuts them up immediately. To his sister’s incessent inquisition I respond with “whats the rush? Is it so I can become an all you can drink milk bar like you?” (very effective).
I hate the questions….HATE them. it’s nobody’s business but ours.
I guess it’s all in how you percieve things. I try and listen to people’s intentions and not to what they’re actually saying. Most are intending to be loving and thoughtful when asking or “pressuring.” To those I smile and thank them for their concern and change the topic. Others are really just being nosy and to them, well, I smile and change the conversation.
I’m not too bugged by it. My sister did the satiating for my side of the family so I’ve got some time there. My FI’s family there’s a bit of pressure, but mostly from his grandmother. And she’s so sweet about it and not pushy, that it doesn’t bug me. Besides, I know that if I were her age and had four children, and only one of them had kids, I’d want my great grand-kids too!
I have polycystic-ovarian syndrome so I know that it’s going to be harder for us to get pregnant, so I take all the advice I can get and store it away for the time that I can use it.
Have kids when you want to… period. 
We plan on waiting until he’s done with grad school… which will make me 37! Ack! That is a little scary, but my grandmother had her youngest (who is now 48), when she was 39, s I figure if she could do it almost 50 years ago, so can I! Stop the pressure by telling them you will never have kids if they don’t stop bugging you.;)
You’re lucky you have reverse pressure. I’d much prefer that over pressure to have kids.
hahaha You guys have some funny responses. It’s cool, (yet sad) to know so many of us are going through this. Family will be family i guess. There’s nothing you can really do except come up with clever comebacks. haha
My b/f & I do not want any children at all. We get a TON of slack for that. I’m tired of hearing “you’ll want kids later”. Maybe, but that’s my choice. Why must everyone say those sorts of things?!
I think it’s up to you. You have a plan, that you and your fiance agree on, so who has any right to pressure you.
Good luck on keeping your cool.
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Mrs. Hibiscus, Orange County Age and Occupation in 06: 25, Eyebal Doc Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Commerical Underwriter Engagement Date: September 26, 2004 Wedding Date: July 7, 2007 Venue: Laguna Beach on the beach, reception on a yacht in Newport Beach About Me: I'm an eyeball doc. Normal is boring. I'm a hat person and a cat person. I'm in love (so very very in love). I'm a dreamer. I want to change the world. Superheroes are my friends. Kindness is contagious. Music is in my heart. Carpe diem.
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