Yesterday I was at Mr. Kiwi’s school for an open house, when I was asked where we’re having our ceremony. The woman who asked was a senior citizen who attends mass every day at the church that is part of Mr. K’s school. Somehow I knew I should tell her we were undecided, since I knew Mr. Kiwi would get the brunt of the criticism for not marrying at the church he was raised in.
To my family, the idea of marrying in a church is odd because we’re so non-denominational it’s not even funny. If we did marry there, the question would undoubtedly be “Why are you marrying in a church?” Mr. Kiwi’s side on the other hand, thinks of it as somewhat an oddity to not get married in a church – “You’re getting married in a tent?!”
Since I’m always open about things, I tend to talk a lot. Mr. Kiwi accused me of not knowing my boundaries the other day. Why? Because the officiant I was talking to asked me what kind of wedding I visualized. When I said, “Well, Mr. Kiwi works at a Catholic school, but doesn’t really like the father there…” I was given the eye of death, and an admonishment that people don’t need to hear every detail about. Well I guess he’s right, but it just wasn’t something that was a big deal to me, though I do understand that it was a big deal to him.
Now, I’m left unsure what to say about why we’re getting married in a tent, and not the church. Mr. Kiwi seems to be very sensitive about this, so I guess I shouldn’t say the reason. Should I just not say anything? Saying we’re undecided makes me uncomfortable- like I’m lying. If I should say, “Ask Mr. Kiwi,” I’m sure he would not be too happy either.
What would you say? Have you experienced conflicts with getting or not getting married at a religious venue?
I’d just ignore the whole religion aspect, and gush on and on about how much you love your venue and it was soooo convenient that they would let you do the ceremony on site, and you’re really excited about getting to decorate it just the way you want, and not explicitly answer “but why not in the church.” Just tell them why you DID choose your actual ceremony site and if they ask again just keeeep onnnn babbling. They’ll get the hint eventually. 
Also, if it’s outside, you can always claim what Emily Dickinson did – that being in nature was being closer to her God than anywhere else. . . I might phrase a bit differently though depending on who I was speaking to.
We are having ours in a garden outside of the reception hall. We are doing it because we wanted the simplicity of the wedding and reception in the same location, with no worries about transportation, or having someone go early to decorate, etc. Most people seem to be fine with this, since they know he and I are such practical people like that!
My FI and his whole family are Irish Catholic and my family…not so much. I attended a First Pres. church, mom is Lutheran, Dad is Catholic…it just didn’t fit.
I was going to pitch what orchid suggested. But also, you could just say that religion isn’t a part of your life at this time and that you wanted to keep the wedding open for all guests. Would you have to officially convert? Would it have been full Catholic mass? Both big considerations with Catholic weddings, I think and all the more reason to not make a harsh decision for a wedding.
But again, outdoors you’re that much closer to God.
We are getting married in a theater, and we have got questioning and comments to some extent, even from our families.
Our rationale was that we aren’t a member of any church, and the non-member rates went from $1K all the way up to $5K!
Agree 100% with Miss BlueBell.
well… a church is where all of us gather! so it doesnt matter if its under a tent or in a building built to be called church!
our wedding was in a hotel’s foyer! it was quite spacious, it was glass-windowed, it was beautiful for a morning/afternoon/evening/night wedding. i had to marry there! so we converted the foyer into a church setting and it was beautiful.
and we get asked alot too, why not in church? well, we answered exactly the above!
I also teach at the Catholic school where I grew up and I’m excited about getting married there. If I weren’t getting married in the Catholic church it might cause some problems with my job too. We have to sign a morality clause to follow the teachings of the church and I know some priests who would intepret it as breaking the contract if I didn’t have a Catholic wedding. Like I said, not really an issue for me, but I hope it’s not one Mr. Kiwi has to worry about.
I would stick with being closer to God. The reason that many deeply religious people question the choice of having a ceremony outside of the church is that they question how serious you are about the sacrement of marriage. Many people feel that young couples have lost site of the true meaning of the ceremony and are more interested in dressing up, having a huge party and getting gifts. I am getting married at my reception venue for many reasons-aesthetics, convenience and personal beliefs. I explain that I feel God’s presence the most in nature so it is very logical for me to celebrate him there, and my priest bought it.
It is a hard subject and I’m not sure how you should tackle it, I think what you have been doing thus far is good.
My fiance and I are both converts to the Catholic church and the fact that we had to get married in the Church was a big deal for me. I grew up in southern california so I always envisioned a beach/vineyard/garden type wedding/reception with magnificent city views, etc… Instead, we’re getting married in a Catholic church and although I still get wistful sometimes thinking of what could’ve been, I understand why the church requires marriage to take place in the church.
As Rebecca said, marriage is a sacrament in the catholic church and like the other sacraments (baptism, eucharist, reconciliation, etc) it should take place in the church by a priest. It’s hard to understand if you are not catholic, and it took me a long time to get my head around it, but these requirements are the basic fabric of the church and what makes the church so strong.
I don’t know what your fiance’s situation is, but if he is a practicing catholic, he might not be feeling pressure solely from his job and family, but also his faith growing up. If you are catholic and do not get married in the church, your marriage is technically not valid in the eyes of the church. You can get it validated later on through a process called convalidation, but until then, you are not “on the up and up” and he, if he is a practicing catholic, should not be taking communion, etc. Also, although the rules are much more relaxed now than they used to be, a nonpracticing catholic marrying a catholic is required to make certain promises regarding how they raise their children, etc…. So maybe he’s having some internal struggles on that end as well.
If you want to talk about it or ask questions, just let me know! It’s a hard issue to deal with and one that I spent almost an entire year overcoming.
I’m jewish and were both raised very religious, but are not any longer, and there were a lot of issues about where & how we were going incorporate the traditions and laws. I found the answer “because that is what we like” or “that is what we want” pretty sufficiant. I also included a few “that is our decision” and occasionally threw in a “we’re not really into that”. (to my dad I did mention that I thought one or two things were just silly voodoo, but that may be going a bit far) It’s your day and you should not stress about how to answer other peoples questions. I found that if you are apologetic about your choices people feel justified in offering their opinions. If you make it clear it’s simply not up for discussion, they just stop talking.
I recently changed from Catholic to Protestant (Presbyterian)- which is what my fiance is. And even though I did it for me, my entire family thinks that I did it just for him. It took me months to get them to see that I’m still a Christian- I just changed denominations. So I understand the hardship. It was hard to explain to my grandma why I was getting married in a Presbyterian church and why I wasn’t a Catholic anymore.
I’m very close to my family, but they didn’t really understand at first. My mom’s side is very tradition oriented. And my uncle is a Catholic priest. So it was like….”AH!” But in the end, I know its right. I know that God is calling me closer to Him in this way. So yea, I’ll take the verbal beatings for having it in a Presbyterian church. It’s where I want to be, and its where I want to raise my fiance and I’s children.
Sometimes you just have to realize that, yes, you’re a little different. It doesn’t make your day any less special, or any less sacred. It’s still YOUR wedding. The Catholic church allows outdoor weddings. It isn’t unheard of; they just don’t publicize it. So maybe when someone asks you where you’re getting married, use church “lingo” and say “We’re having the mass/service outdoors”. You should not be ashamed, and neither should your hubby-to-be. Having the service outside in my opinion is like celebrating one of the most exciting days of your life in what God naturally made- just like how God naturally brought you two together.
Heck- my fiance and I contemplated going barefoot in the church because its a sacred time (it was later thought silly and we laughed when we thought of how we’d present that to our conservative pastor)
P.S. I read above asking if you would have to convert to Catholic for the wedding. That’s not true. You can marry a Catholic, and even have the service done by a Catholic priest- but it would be a service, not a mass. A mass would be if both were Catholics.
Just thought I’d clarify.
Hi everyone! Thank you for all the replies. To answer the conversion question, at the moment I don’t plan on converting to any religion. Mr. Kiwi is okay with this, and we have agreed to raise our children Catholic, but hoping to make it less “You are a Catholic first, something else second” to “You are a person who happens to be Catholic.” I’ve been to many Catholic ceremonies, weddings, graduations, funerals. I’m not comfortable enough in my limited knowledge to be married by a Catholic priest, therefore I’d rather do a non-denominational wedding. Mr. Kiwi wasn’t convinced by me, nor was he cajoled by any of my less religious family members. He is a man of logistics rather than faith, I don’t mean anything insulting- he is a Catholic at heart, for first and foremost he’s a man marrying an agnostic. If it’s easier and cheaper to have the wedding in the tent, so be it. His sister had a Catholic wedding, his brother had a Presbyterian (sp.?) ceremony, so we’re not really doing anything taboo.
Again, I really appreciate all your views on this. SO much.
Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA Engagement Date: March 31, 2006 Wedding Date: November 3, 2007 Venue: Radisson Hotel About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
Latest Gallery Pics