Getting Engaged - I Helped (Part 1)
January 30th, 2007 @ 5:37 pm by Mrs. Kiwi
Before the actual engagement (Part 1)
Mr. Kiwi and I were together almost exactly two and a half years before we got engaged. The year before that, Mr. Kiwi’s mom gave him the go-ahead to marry me. So, it was after that date I started asking him when his idea for an engagement was. That was also when I was told to just stop and let him do it himself. So what did I do? I joined Pricescope, a diamond related website with forums. It was there I met some great friends, also “Ladies In Waiting” (LIW). Being there allowed me to vent my frustrations on why it hadn’t happened yet. The LIWs also taught me to have patience and to be gracious when others got engaged first.
It was November of ‘05- around my birthday and our 2nd anniversary, when I joined Pricescope. It was also when I started researching the diamond I wanted. In a sad twist of fate, it was also when Mr. Kiwi got into a car accident, and our ring fund was depleted. Mr. Kiwi was unscathed, so was his car (mostly), but there were still damages our meager funds had to cover. I was dismayed, but was trying to find ways around that- we wanted to be engaged now. So you don’t think I was an utter cow, this was all shared with Mr. Kiwi, he wanted to get engaged as well. (And yes, I made sure he was okay after the accident.)
This is probably unheard of in a lot of communities, but I saved my own money. I figured, if I wanted to get engaged as soon as possible, I should put my own money into the pot. So I did and in January of 2006, we bought our setting. We had actually intended to just see what I liked at Robbins Bros., but came home with an empty setting. He let me wear it around the house sometimes, so I felt like I was semi-engaged. 
Then a few months later (March) I found the perfect sized radiant stone at Whiteflash, exactly what we were looking for and in our price range. So, Mr. Kiwi wired money into my account (I was the only one at the computer all day) and I went to the bank and made a wire transfer. The stone was ours.
Once I sent my empty setting to Whiteflash to have them set the stone, I was on pins and needles. We picked up the ring together from Fed Ex, and he let me open it and try the ring on. For being under a carat, it was way bigger than I thought it would be. I suppose we could have gotten a larger stone had we waited longer, but I was tired of planning our wedding on the sly. All my bridal porn (magazines) was building up- just waiting to be used!
Mr. Kiwi hid the ring box in a high place, and I had to wait. our engagment wasn’t that far away… more on that in part two.
While I suppose it wasn’t too conventional to pay for a piece of my ring, I had no problems with it. I figured that if I wanted my ring as soon as possible, I should help him out. So I did.
Do you think traditions are becoming a little more unconventional? Did you have anything to do with the picking of your ring?
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34 Responses to “Getting Engaged - I Helped (Part 1)”
Well, we aren’t engaged as of yet, but the ring I have right now is one that I picked out on my own. He just didn’t know what I’d want, and probably as far as my engagement ring goes, I’ll have the say over what I want….we’ll be picking it out together. I know a lot of people do that….
And if Andrew needs help to pay for that, I’ll be more than willing to chip in! I’m not all about the man having to buy everything.
Very untraditional.
I helped pay for my ring, as well. My FI and I are both college students, with very limited budgets. I knew it would be a long time before he would be able to save enough for even something tiny, so I offered to help. Even with my help, we were still only able to spend a modest amount. My ring isn’t huge, but it’s mine and that’s really all that matters. Knowing that it is something we did together is a great feeling.
I didn’t help pay for my ring, but dammit, I wanted to! He wouldn’t let me. I did pick out my ring though. We went to J.B. Robinson, and I tried some on. I’m not really much of a jewellry person, so I didn’t want a large stone to begin with. As it turned out, the only one I liked was the smallest stone on display at 1/5 carat round solitaire in a very simple but pretty setting. The salesman actually laughed at me when I said it was my favorite. He thought I was being kind to my FI! But I love it, and it’s perfect for us.
His mom ended up helping to pay for it (unbeknownst to me, so it would be a secret), but he payed her back.
Miss Bluebell - I did the same thing!
After three years of grad school, my fiance took a job as a poor civil servant. He doesn’t make a whole lot and after his usual day-to-day generosity, it didn’t leave much for the ring pot to grow! So, when he graduated and moved into another apartment in another city, I bought him a bunch of furniture, saying that I didn’t trust his taste and since we would be getting married, I better just go ahead and pick it out. I also started picking up the tab more when we went out, buying him necessary clothing items, and generally helping in little ways as much as possible! I also told him that once he bought the ring, he’d be off the hook for wedding bands and the honeymoon! I’ve been saving money in the meantime and have luckily been able to do so pretty successfully, so everyone’s happy and he can be proud that he bought my ring for me!
I chose my ring, but Mr Mouse did research (I wanted Different) and found a local jeweler who carried the designer. I even helped with the negotiations. We’re parters in everything else (kids, house, crime) why not this? Although, I chose Mr Mouse’s engagement ring on my own- he was taking too long.
The only glitch was that I only want one ring and his family just assumed he was holding out on me. His mom kept telling him ALL women want two rings, I was just being nice.
i didn’t help with paying for the ring, but I did choose it (though i had given him options- he didn’t have to go for the fanicier band, that was all him- there was some surprise to it that he went for the one i really really loved) looking together was so sweet and fun. I am paying for both of our wedding rings, and bought him a watch engraved with “yes” and gave it to him that day- he was floored, and cried for the first time that day.
I think we will always have our own funds and shared as well. I don’t want to have everything merged.
I think it is awesome you helped pay for the ring. After all women are no longer property to be bought, so why shouldn’t we help if possible. Plus it shouldn’t be money that holds you back from getting married, because if you are ready to get married you are ready whether you can afford a ring or not. I told Mr. KEG I didn’t even need a ring, I just wanted to marry him ring or not. I did get a ring and it is beautiful, but I would have married him without one or one I purchased myself if I had to.
You are the sweetest thing in glasses! I love that story and I thank you for sharing. Once you are married you can save for a BIG bed.
and that’s why you girls are not valued b/c guy has nothing to lose. they didn’t fork $ out for you.
Josephine, that’s quite the “observation”. I hope you’re kidding. How’s life back in the stone age?
I think it’s perfectly fine to put money towards your own ring… I didn’t, but I have to admit, I kind of feel bad that my FI spent ~$5k and he only wants a ring that is
I think it’s perfectly fine to put money towards your own ring… I didn’t, but I have to admit, I kind of feel bad that my FI spent ~$5k and he only wants a ring that is less than $300.
We actually picked out my ring set 3 years before he proposed!
I think it’s great that you helped contribute, especially with the set-back of the car accident. Around the time that I knew my FI was shopping for a ring, I made sure to help out more than normal with costs, not telling him to spend a bunch of money on my birthday, etc., so as to alleviate other $$ issues and expenses. I am now trying to put away a chunk of my paycheck to help with the honeymoon!!
I picked it out completely as well….but you know that!
Hopefully a guy has a ton to lose besides money- such as love! I would help buy my ring. Isn’t that what marriage is about? Partnership?
I’ll most likely help pay for my ring, or more realistically, it will be paid for in my name since I am the one with credit- he’s kinda bad with saving money I just told him, I want to be surprised with the engagement, so he should buy a cheap ring (like $50 if he wants) to propose with and then we will go shopping! So kudos to you, I don’t think it’s odd at all!
wow- don’t type after going to a hockey game, of course I meant *proposal, as in surprise proposal* and that loose comma in there hehe
Wow, Josephine…I don’t think you really have your priorities straight.
Yes, Josephine, I totally agree, if not for a large hunk of carbon on my finger I would have no idea how much my man loved me. Metal and rocks, that goes a long way to prove love, right? These poor fools think that commitment means partnership and trust, but we know the truth, huh? I’m so glad I can finally put a dollar amount to my value. Such a relief.
I helped pay for mine! We didn’t even need to discuss it. After all, his debt will be your debt too!
I’m with you Mrs. Bee! I told him that he could make me a ring out of a piece of grass and I would be happy! (I actually have a ring he made me out of a fork and another out of a twist tie and I still wear them daily!) I didn’t have any input into the ring. I am not picky at all and I wanted it to come completely from him. I love what he picked out.
I actually chose my ring off ebay. It was what I liked at a cheap price. I showed it to DH and told him if you can get it good, if you can’t now you know what I like. He got it, and held it hostage in an envelope in his closet for MONTHS. I already knew that he had a plan, so I had to be patient. And patient I was. About 6 months later he proposed in front of almost all our close family & friends, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
If my man can’t afford it, the ring is not necessary. Heck, you don’t even need rings to get engaged or married. I will help out with the wedding cost but not to get a better ring for myself. It’s like saying “hun, I love this gift from you but I want to upgrade it with my own money because you can’t afford it.” Even a ring pop or a piece of straw would do if a ring is symbolic.
Gin, while I partially agree with you, it wasn’t my urging that made us get a ring. Mr. Kiwi is traditional, and wanted to propose with a ring. He also wanted me to have something nice. So it was either wait for 5 more months or help him out. And he’s knows we’re not the type who thinks of helping out as an insult. He was raised to know that he doesn’t have to do everything himself, and a little help, be it financial, emotional, or physical is a gift, not a put-down. When we live together and share the expenses, who cares who pays for what? Our relationship isn’t based on how much we make, save and spend. He wanted me to have a nice ring, it was his choice, not mine. Which is why it was researched and a better deal was found. So, all in all, the ring is just a ring. Our relationship is full of give and take, and that’s all that matters to us. No matter who buys dinner.
There’s a thing called UPGRADE. Most of us gets engaged young. And it doesn’t mean we’ll be in this same financial state all our lives. An engagement ring is not a requirement to get marry. I’m completely against the idea of chipping in for my engagement ring. It’s a gift. Chipping in for stuff like the wedding, the house, the groceries is one thing, but I wouldn’t chip in for a gift. If my man bought me a $500 ring because that’s all he could afford I would gladly accept it or tell him i don’t need anything at all. Wedding bands are very sexy too. So maybe comes alonga 20th anniversary or something and we’re doing better financially, we can head over to the jewelers for an upgrade.
W, sure there are upgrades. For some. For others they want one ring forever. I don’t think it matters where you are financially now or in the future. Everyone has their viewpoints on this, and while I’m sure you have your reasons for being against this, I also have reasons for doing what I did. All that matters is Mr. Kiwi and I are happy with the way it happened. I think to continue the gender ideas (man buys ring with no input from the woman) of the days of our parents and grandparents is silly. If we both chip in for the honeymoon, or his car, how is that any different from chipping in for a ring? To me, the ring is a symbol of partnership, as our marriage will be. You’re more than welcome to disagree with me here, but that’s my stance on it.
If my friend knows I love to bake and wants to get me a hand mixer I’m not going to say hmmm, how about you get me an electric one and I pay the difference. I would gladly accept her generosity. I’m neither sexist or pro-feminist. But hey, if you’re the type that’s so into female power, why not decline a ring alltogether. Some will argue it’s demeaning to wear an engagement ring. Or rather, why not propose to him with a ring. There’s also the right hand ring, which many peoples just buy for themselves. These are all just ideas, not attacks.
Well, I feel silly to keep going over this. I’m usually not very argumentative, but the idea of me looking ungrateful for this ring just makes me want to speak up. What I am going to say is also not an attack, just an explanation as to my actions. In reference to your hand-mixer analogy, I think a ring bought to symbolize a committment to marriage and a life of sharing things with this other person is a great tool to use. The fact that we discussed our options of a.) getting a wedding band 2.) getting a temporary stone/setting until he can afford it 3.) getting no ring at all 4.) using both funds for the ring before anything ever happened showed great respect for the situation. A true partnership can handle things like that, and I don’t think I’d want to marry a man who wouldn’t let me help pay for it. As I’m sure he wouldn’t want to marry someone who “needed” a ring (not me) nor someone who disregarded his obvious choice of wanting to have “THE” ring to propose with.
To be honest, we were given the choice of also using his mother’s stone, to which we respectfully said no. This was before the car accident and before the ring fund was depleted. If I truly wanted an expensive ring, I would have just bought it myself, used his mother’s, or asked him to forgo paying for the accident costs.
So the fact that I gave a little boost to the ring fund wasn’t out of greed, nor was it out of pity. Mr. Kiwi was never emasculated because of this, in fact, we’ve been putting money together for the wedding AND his new car, and that I helped with the ring got that off earlier than we had planned. At this point in our relationship, after living together for two years, our accounts are no longer separate in mind. In reality, they are two different accounts, but we don’t keep track of who uses what.
W, I respect what you are saying, I really do. And I think I also agree to respectfully disagree. To each her own, right?
And I have to tell you, now I feel like baking.
Also, thank you all for your comments! I think everyone has their own viewpoints on this, and I can see why. Thanks!
Miss Kiwi- I think the central question would be “Is the ring a gift or a symbol?” In my mind, and I think yours and a lot of people’s is that it’s a symbol. I wear it in honor of our relationship and bond. If it weer a gift only it’d probably be stuck in some drawer somewhere because I don’t generally wear jewelry. The dangerous area is confusing ability to spend money, the desire to spend money, and the “value” of your relationship.
I hope she was kidding, but if Josephine thinks that forking over money is the same as valuing, well prostitutes have it made I guess. I’m not saying buying a nice ring is wrong, because it’s not, it’s lovely, but spending money is not the same as valuing.
Miss Kiwi, your response to Josephine made me laugh hard!! I think Ms. Mouse is very perceptive in her distinction between ring as gift or symbol. (Of course it’s a little of both.)
The closer I get to all of this wedding stuff (not quite engaged yet, think the guy will ask soon, maybe he’s bought a ring, maybe he hasn’t…) the more tired I get of the “game” of never discussing a “gift” with the giver. It feels unnatural not to discuss this stuff–we talk about everything else! I’m untraditional, I guess…
Ms. Kiwi - this is an old thread, and I don’t know if you’ll see this email, but I did just want to comment and say that I think you’ve such much grace and class with some odd comments (ahem, Josephine). I think that as long as the purchase of your e-ring made you and Mr. Kiwi happy, it was the right thing to do… congrats!
Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
Kudos to you, I say! It drives me CRAZY how Mr. Bluebell still wants us to alternate who pays for dinner even though in less than 5 months it’ll all be in one bank account!!! My thinking is what does it matter if one of us contributes more now? Then that just leaves more for the other person to put in the communal pot later.
As for rings specifically, Mr. Bluebell wanted to buy the ring entirely with his own money, but since I was of the same thinking as you, Miss Kiwi, I found some ways around that. I finally “paid him back” for when I was temping several years ago and he took on the majority of our joint costs, and told him it was “traditional” for the groom to buy the engagement ring, and then the bride to buy both wedding rings.
So even though I didn’t explicitly PAY for part of my engagement ring, I lessened the amount that Mr. Bluebell had to pay for other expenses (like rent) so his ring fund was able to grow that much faster. He was totally fine with it since I wasn’t “paying for the ring” and we got engaged a bit sooner since he wasn’t feeling a financial strain! Woohoo! 