Open Question: Bridesmaid Woes

Open Question: Bridesmaid Woes

February 6th, 2007 @ 1:20 pm by Open Question
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I have a situation that Miss Kiwi reminded me of with wanting to fire her MOH. I will try to make it as short and sweet as possible. I asked a friend of mine who I’ve been friends with for the last 8 years to be a BM in my wedding in September. She and I have had our share of arguments over the years, (but otherwise were really great friends!) but recently it had gotten to be much more often.

She isn’t always truthful and flat out lies to me at times. I confronted her about this last October, told her that I couldn’t speak to her until she figured things out, and haven’t talked to her since. The lies had gotten out of control at this point. She contacted me in the past week (4 months later) and is wanting to talk things out. I have until September before my wedding, but the BM dresses have to be ordered next month. I really don’t think 1 month is long enough to patch up our friendship and immediately be in planning mode with each other.

Do you think she assumes she’ll still be a BM? What would you do? Should I keep her in the wedding or talk to her about possibly not being in it. And if I don’t have her in the wedding, how do I tell her? I have all of this to worry about on top of having to call her back and deal with the real issues in our friendship. Please help!!

Thanks so much!
Sarah

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7 Responses to “Open Question: Bridesmaid Woes”

Guest

This BM sounds like she’s a lot of unnecessary drama. You definitely don’t need this. The fact that you guys argue over the years and haven’t talked for almost 4 mos would make me worry. If I was you… I would just tell her that she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid. Good luck!

2/6/07 @ 1:23 pm (reply)

Guest

I agree. I think you both have things to work out and that you should just tell her gently that with the way things are, you’re going to find another BM.

I’d be honest and say, you hurt me very badly and really put our friendship on the line. After not hearing from you for over FOUR months, I wasn’t sure if you would ever call. So, as of right now, I don’t think I can count on you to be a BM.

I think she’d be understanding of that, esp if she really wanted to patch up the friendship.

2/6/07 @ 1:26 pm (reply)

Guest

Miss Bluebear

I think the people you invite to share your special day with should truly want to be there to celebrate your happiness. If she is causing you so much stress pre-wedding, I don’t think her presence there will make it any less stressful. If she is truly a good friend, you should not be hesitant to be honest with her and tell her how unhappy she has made this whole process. Afterall, friends are made based on truth, honesty and loyalty. Bottom line is, it’s your day and if she can’t be happy for you and celebrate with you then she’s not really your friend.

2/6/07 @ 1:30 pm (reply)

Guest

wsukarebear

When I was picking my BM’s I went for women who have supported me and/or my FI in the past five years and who I felt would be lifelong friends. It doesn’t sound like this gal does that for you.

N offers great advice…really, you put the ball in her court and she hasn’t responded, and you are to the point where her loyalty and reliability are definitely in question, especially in regards to your wedding. I think it would be very fair to let her know that, and also understand that you may be severing ties to this woman forever if you do so…or hopefully she understands and does a turn-around!

2/6/07 @ 1:36 pm (reply)

Guest

kate

I actually don’t think you can blame the BM for not calling for 4 months, you told her you didn’t want to talk to her. I would call her to discuss that because of the dress deadline, your bridal party needs to be solidified this month. I would say that you really do want to make a friendship work with her, but right now your focus needs to be on your wedding and building your new family. I would give her the option - either she doesn’t have to be in the bridal party and that will give you a little more breathing room and a clean slate when you reconnect after Sepetember, or she can be in the wedding but needs to understand that this is a stressful time and you need all the positive support she can give.

2/6/07 @ 1:38 pm (reply)

Guest

I agree with the majority, you don’t need this. If you haven’t talked to her for 4 months (regardless of why or whose suggestion it was), this is not someone that you need right now. Let’s face it, wedding planning is HARD work, and stressful, and brings out the worst (and admittedly best) in people. If you are not positive about your friendship (and it sounds like you’re not, or you probably woulnd’t be writing us, wink), now is not the time to test it, or fix it. That said, I can’t even imagine firing a BM, how hard that would be! I would definitely pose it in a non confrontational way - “hey being a BM is a lot of work, I really need them to be there for me, I need to be able to count on them, and trust that they aren’t lying to me. I think our friendship is just too unstable right now for me to ask that kind of commitment from you. ” Personally, I would guess it would be a relief to her - I mean, I can’t imagine not speaking to a friend whose wedding party I was IN…..for 4 mos. And I would also question why you are friends with her at all - I feel like the more you grow up (ie getting married is a big grown up thing) the less you need drama in your life

2/6/07 @ 1:58 pm (reply)

Guest

kandaceandjason

Just be careful that you don’t count her in for now and say that you’ll see how things go. If she pays for her dress and then a month later you say guess what it’s not working, she’ll really get upset that she spent money for nothing. I think you are smart to figure it out now, before any money is spent.

You have a month to not only fix what was done four months ago, but for your friendship to get back to the point of bridesmaid status. That’s four months she’s been brooding, so be careful.

Do you think it’s possible that she just really wants to be in *a* wedding and knows that if she shapes up now she might still have a chance? I would hate to think of someone buttering me up like that. Not that she definitely is, because I don’t know, but isn’t it convenient that after four months of not hearing from her, she tries to patch things up as the deadline approaches?

And it’s not your fault it took four months. You said you didn’t want to talk until SHE was ready to work it out. You put the ball in her court.

I’ve never been in a four-month fight, but I can’t imagine then being like ok I’m sorry, you’re sorry, what size dress do you wear?

2/6/07 @ 2:10 pm (reply)