Wedding Blog
Last night I was looking for ring engravings, because I am going to order my wedding band soon. When I came upon “It was always you” I freaked out. Big time. Of course, it was all internal, and I showed no signs to Mr. Kiwi - but it shocked me.
Mr. Kiwi and I dated almost ten years ago. After dating a few months, we broke up because it just wasn’t right. About six and a half years later, I finally contacted him after searching for him for a few years. What I’m getting at here is that I know he’s the right guy for me - I looked for him for so long.
The words “It was always you” should resonate as true, since after all these years of dating other people, it did turn out to be him. Instead reading them I got a shock, thinking “Oh my god, it is GOING to be him forever!” It’s not cold feet, it’s just the finality of it all. I don’t think this is a “bridal” moment, more like a “marriage” moment.
Anything in life that cements an idea like a permanent presence warrants such fears and thoughts. After all, you’re promising your love, your life, and to be true to this person forever. Forever is a long time. 
What scares me is not knowing. Not knowing how life will turn out. Not knowing if it will be forever.
Raised in a broken home with parents who were “together,” just not in any actual definition of the word, I have a skewed view on life and love. I don’t know how a real relationship should turn out. I don’t know how you give without giving too much. I don’t know how to take without taking too much - sometimes I just give without taking, or vice-versa. I believe that a counselor will help with this problem, but the fact that there is a problem angers me. My dad has said that he’s proud because his two children, raised in a home with an unsatisfactory example, have managed to find happiness with good people. This makes me proud, and makes me look at Mr. Kiwi with more love - knowing I’ve broken the cycle.
Despite that, I constantly question love. Don’t all marriages start off deeply in love? What makes one different from the others? Why does some love go? I think it’s all the questioning that makes me want to work harder to make this marriage succeed. And as long as I have that drive, I know we’ll be okay. After all, it was always him.
Do you use your parent’s marriage as an example of what to do and what not to do? And for the record, Mr. Kiwi is clued in 100% to how I feel, don’t worry!
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Share this post: Marriage Freak-Outs
I am of the opinion that all sane people getting married SHOULD have a freak out incident at least once!! It really is such a monumental idea, and you really can’t ever “know” for sure, so I think it’s only reasonable to freak out a bit at some point! If you never freak out, I feel like you’re most likely at least a little blind to the reality of “forever” and the fact that everyone DOES think they’re marriage will be one of the ones that lasts. You can’t ever know every variable for the future, so it’s good to question why you really believe you are a couple who can make it. That said, I’m glad that in the end after some contemplation you realized that it WAS still him! Freaking out can make you feel disloyal, but ultimately you do need to have faith (just faith based on reason!) and that commitment to work on problems instead of giving up if/when something does come up. This is getting rambly, so that’s all!
I’d worry more if you DIDN’T freak out. It just means your eyes are open and you are acknowledging the fact that the future is unknown, and the unknown is scary.
But - how beautiful is it that, even though you are afraid of what lies ahead, you have enough faith in your love for your FH and his love for you, that you are willing to go through with it anyway?
When we got engaged, I told my FH it felt like we were about to sky dive - like we were standing in the door of the airplane looking down and I was terrified, but really really glad he was next to me.
Miss Kiwi, I know exactly how you feel. I can’t wait to marry my fiance; he’s the best person for me. But forever seems really scary some days — there are a lot of “what ifs” about that much time. Anything could happen. My parents have a totally fantastic 30-year marriage, and sometimes it scares me that I don’t know if I can live up to that. Maybe I’ll be the one to break the cycle — only in a BAD way.
Bebe — I felt like I was skydiving when I got engaged too! I remember looking up at the sky and feeling like I was falling.
I think it’s really good think about these things before getting married, to be a little scared. I’ve wondered the same thing, about why some marriages last and others don’t, no matter how much two people loved each other to begin with. I think there are a lot of things I’d do differently from my parents, so I feel like I’m breaking free from a cycle, too.
It took a while for my DH to come around to the idea of marriage, despite the fact we had been together happily for many years. My parents were never married, and had split up by the time I was born. DH’s mom is currently on marriage #4. He had a big fear of divorce, of forever not working out. I had no fear of divorce, and still don’t. If the future brings that, it doesn’t negate the wonderful years we’re having, or have already had. But the relationships you witness definitely affect the way your perceive your own.
I think a lot of people make the mistake of getting married because they’re at the “right” age, it’s the “right” time, etc., and this is the person they’re with at that “right” time. I didn’t do that. I waited until I found the right *man,* not the right time. Also, a lot of people think that as long as they’re in love, everything will work out. But that’s not true–it’s hard to stay in love forever with someone when you don’t have important things in common, and you haven’t worked out a system how you can get along. I’m not saying that such a system is necessarily conscious, I think with most couples it’s not. I post on a local wedding online community, and there are so many women on there who sound like divorces just waiting to happen, and I feel so bad for them. 
I never say anything like that to them, I just suggest that they do their best to talk things out with their fiances, as I hope they may realize that if they can’t work things out as an engaged couple, it’s going to be worse when they’re married.
I think that my fiance and I will be together forever, though. We’ve lived together for over a year, and we’re more in love than ever. We have a good system for working out grievances, and we talk everything over. It’s not just us, too, everyone thinks we’re a good fit–we met with the rabbi who’s going to marry us last night, and he commented, “wow, you two are such a good fit!” And he sees a lot of engaged couples.
Parents are a funny things, if their marriage is awesome, you keep your fingers crossed hoping for the same, if not their marriage didn’t work out, then you obvioulsy have a reason to worry. My parents’ bond has increased even more after migrating to America, as they have only each other at the end of the day. Glad to see other gals “freaking” because marriage is by nature, “the end”, or the “happy ending”. I first had my “oh my god this is it” moment when I had a mini crush on a coworker, and enjoyed time spent on the phone or smoke breaks with him, but then I realize the feelings are a waste of time. As married women we’ll inevitably still be attracted to certain men. But just knowing not to act on it because we are committed to our husbands is the idea. I must stress it was a mini crush, I was not in love with this coworker. At first I was scared, thinking does this mean my fiance and I are not meant to be? so the cute guy enters my life at this critical moment? But hey unfortunatley ladies, men, attractive men, are everywhere.
I had the same freakout. It was very scary for me because I’ve been wanting to get engaged for over a year now, I was SURE about my guy and couldn’t wait to marry him. Then he proposed. Since then he’s been so sweet talking about how he can’t wait to marry me, and all I could do was say “me too” and secretly try to process the inner turmoil that maybe I’m making a huge mistake. It caught me completely by surprise because I thought I was the one who was more ready for marriage than him! I guess you never know what the emotional process of getting engaged is like until it happens to you.
Anyway, that was immediately after we got engaged (which happened at Christmas) and in the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed the feelings of fear and apprehension slowly melt away and the love and certainty I have about my guy is back with force. I’m encouraged to hear that others have this freakout as well and I’m glad that mine seems to be normal, and behind me!
Bebe I love your analogy about skydiving. That’s totally how I’ve been feeling and you couldn’t have phrased it better to say you’re scared but you’re glad he’s there going through it with you.
It’s really hard…
My only apprehensions have come from the fact that my husband is divorced. I was engaged previously but I broke it off because deep down I knew it wasn’t right.
My fears are that if he already made a bad decision once, how do I know he isn’t doing it now?
He tells me he loves me like 30 times a day and we don’t fight much but…I think about that still sometimes.
It is a big, crazy step to get married. I didn’t have the best example, either but you know what?
It made me really remember what NOT to do in my own relationships.
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Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
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