Wedding Blog
Recently I’ve heard about a lot of couples practicing a little bit of “re-abstinence” before the wedding. For couples who haven’t abstained before the engagement/marriage, they take a couple months off pre-wedding to kinda get the mystery back.
Now, although that sounds like a great idea, and I’d love to try it (heck, may even give it a whirl!) women have expressed their doubts. Since women are typically the less “randy” member of a couple, I can only imagine what some of the reactions from the men would be. Three to six months without any lovin’ in a previously active relationship would surely result in some tension and arguments.
When I brought up the idea to Mr. Kiwi he grinned and said, “Suuuure, honey. Whatever you want.” I think I saw a glint of disbelief, so I may impose this so-called abstinence just to prove how strong-willed I am. Ha Ha. Who is laughing NOW, Senor Kiwi? Kidding, of course- that’s not something he’d take lightly!
What appeals to me is just the idea of a few months to kind of “renew” the passion. After almost four years together, three of those living together, I feel a bit of the mystery is gone. What doesn’t appeal to me, however, is the idea that it wouldn’t be too easy to have to abstain from contact for so long. In such a stressful time as wedding planning, you’d want those months to celebrate your love, or have some sort of reliever of stress and anxiety.
As for couples who have already abstained throughout your whole relationship, I applaud you. It seems that is becoming less common is some areas, and the notion of being pure before your wedding is a beautiful idea. Now, I am not sad that I didn’t wait, but it would have been a wonderful thing to give to my husband.
What do you think about abstaining for a few months before the wedding?
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Share this post: A Little Break
I really don’t get it. You can’t get your viriginity back. I would think that most engaged couples don’t really need their passion to be renewed just yet! If people want to kick their sex lives up a notch there are lots of ways to do that without abstaining for months during one of the more stressful times of their lives. I guess it just seems pointless to me.
Honestly, I think it’s silly. I also don’t think virginity should be considered a gift to the other person, and I don’t think sex before marriage is in any way wrong or a bad idea. Based on those thoughts, I can’t imagine why I’d want to stop doing something that I think is fun and a great part of the relationship.
Fizzy, I agree with you, since obviously I didn’t wait, either. 
Definitely don’t think sex before marriage is a bad idea.
I’ve never really understood this concept at all. Personally I find sex to be an extremely important way of communicating with a partner. Physical connection and touch are an important way of sharing intimacy and I would never choose to take that out of my relationship.
I think the idea of virginity being superior and having a higher value in society is an antiquated concept, and very out of step with the modern womens sense of self. Sex is not dirty or bad, it’s a beautiful act shared between consenting adults. If you are in healthy, mature relationship why would you risk damaging that by denying your partner that important connection? I don’t really identify with myself as a feminist per se, but I think concepts like this are very damaging to the idea of positive sexual identity and the wonderful progress women have been able to make in this area.
Hey guys, I feel I should clarify here, I don’t necessarily believe in this, it’s just something I’ve heard is being practiced- possibly by couples who have been together a long time? I dunno, maybe that’s speculation. I applaud those who have abstained completely because they obviously hold their values highly. and I think that anyone who does that- be it about anything, not just sex- should be commended. I myself didn’t wait, so I can’t say anything else about that. But I do have different things that I value, so I can understand that part of it. I’m not ashamed to say that while sex with my fiance is beautiful, I do want that night to be a little special just because it IS the wedding night (despite the fact that YES, the wedding night itself will be special even if we don’t abstain). And whitholding it for say, three months is something Mr. Kiwi understands, and how it appeals to me. I haven’t said we’ll do it, but just considering it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it’s special every time. And I’m sure many couples can attest to sex not being the only way for physical connection- in fact, we snuggle for a half an hour every day. I think that’s the most special part of our day!
But, to each her own.
i don’t think sex before marriage is bad. to each their own. i’ve never been one to judge. but for me, sex has always been an important thing to be shared with that special someone. i did grow up in the church so that has majorly impacted how i view sex - though i don’t base my entire opinion on sex on what i was taught there…ha! anywho, i always figured that i wouldn’t have sex until i was married…that didn’t happen [lol] but i’m glad i did wait for my bf and was able to share a special part of me with him [he holds the same views on sex as i do and we were both virgins so it was super extra special to us].
as far as abstaining again leading up to the wedding, i asked him if he thought he had considered it and he said no. i still don’t know what i think of that but we did talk about it and he said if it were that important to me he’d wait.
I was with my husband for 4 years b4 we got married and we did abstain for about 4 months b4 the wedding … which i think 3 times we just caved and couldnt help ourselves.. it was one thing we kept reminding ourselves about as it got closer to the wedding day and on the day of that we couldnt wait til later in the evening a lil teasing and fun was good for us… and did you know on that MTV show.. Bam’s Unholy Union… that his fiancee put the no sex rule…
Thanks for the input Tea and JJ!
JJ, no I didn’t know about the Unholy Union no-sex thing!! Interesting!
I am split on the idea of re-abstaining before the wedding day to inject a little extra excitement or mystery. In theory, it’s a great idea (and I think my sister took this approach) but in reality, I think it would make us both more stressed out and tense during a time that is tense enough because it’s just such a stress reliever! We are doing a honeymoon before the wedding anyway (odd, but it was a way to leverage some business travel), so we’d only end up abtaining for about 3 weeks if we did… or abstain before the HM but not the wedding.
One of my best friends got married last summer. Her and her now husband lived together for a year and a half before the wedding, and they chose to be abstinent for a few months leading up to the wedding. I had mentioned this to my FI when my friend told me about it but said nothing more. A few months ago, my FI actually suggested himself that we follow the same thing. So, we have decided that the last 3 months before the wedding will be sex-free. It may be hard, but we are going to do it with the thought that it will make our wedding night that much more special. And while we won’t be having sex, there are still ways for us to be intimate and not lose that along the way.
My college girlfriends and I are all getting married around the same time, and we’ve discussed this topic also, I’m glad you brought it up. One of my friends who lives with her FH mentioned she was cutting him off a couple months before. I mentioned it to my fiance and he thought it was a good idea for us. Not because we are trying to fake any virginity BS, but because it’s nice to really want to have sex on your wedding night, and be looking forward to it, rather than just another day of having sex. Taking a break will give us something to look forward to. Its the anticipation and excitement of a wedding night that I want.
It has nothing to do with virginity, which I think the whole virginity concept it is a load of crap–double standards for men and women, and the idea that a hymen makes you special? Come on. I think sex is special and should happen with someone you care about, but the first time I had sex it was awful, and I don’t think giving my husband terrible sex on our wedding night is a gift he would appreciate. I plan on having some wild, awesome, much anticipated sex on my wedding night.
My dh and I were both virgins on our wedding night, so abstaining before the wedding was not really an issue for us. Our abstaining was a religious thing, and I’m so glad that we waited! We had both dated before, and probably could have had sex before without any trouble, but I do feel like it is a gift to the other person, and I’m proud to say that I gave the most precious think I have to the man I will be with forever.
That being said, had we slept together before getting married, I think abstaining would be very hard! I used to think the abstaining thing would be great for those that had a sexual relationship, but now I think I’ve changed my mind. If I knew that we had decided to abstain for the next three months, I would feel disappointed in myself if/when I failed! And sex should never be a bad thing or make me think I’m a failure!
I don’t know if that made sense at all…
Haha. The waiting thing won’t be happening here. Oh well. I don’t think it’s a big deal.
I “gave” my FI my virginity, but that was like 3 years ago. Does that count? Lol.
I think it’s a sweet idea. I agree with you Miss Kiwi - it’s a way to make your first night even more special. Plus by that time you two will be tearing each other’s fancy clothes off, exhausted or not!
We abstained for 2 months. While we didn’t necessarily have a specific reason to do it, I’m glad we did. The first night was special, as was the honeymoon.
3 months and counting…
It started off as a bet between us on who can last longer…and now I’m just being stubborn 
We are re-abstaining as well, but we actually started before our engagement - while we were still dating. Our reasons were religious - we have been growing in our faith together and we felt it was the right thing to do. By the time we get married it will have been a good year and a half since we’ve done the deed!
Abstaining forces you to communicate in more creative ways, and to express your love and affection differently as well. It forces you to have real emotional intimacy. I think it is very easy to ‘feel’ intimacy with someone you are sleeping with, but really it’s just the sex! I also think this time is helping to clean the slate. Before when we’d have sex, whether it be with each other or other people, it was largely for physical gratification. I think this time is helping to change our attitudes towards sex and when we experience it on our wedding night it will be largely about emotional and spiritual connection (in addition to physical gratification of course!)
Bottom line - Jesus doesn’t recommend sex before marriage, so if you believe in him and his teachings, you should do what you can to follow his recommendation - whether you understand it or not. Even if you’re not a Christian, I still think your relationship can benefit from abstinence.
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Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
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