Loss Of Freedom – Guys vs. Girls

Mr. Peach and I were discussing the issue of losing some ¢¢”š¬…”freedom¢¢”š¬? when you get married. Do you think guys tend to lose more freedom than girls when they get married?Or do you think it’s more of a perceived loss? Ie, the loss is the same, but guys perceive it to be a greater loss OR in reality guys do lose more freedom- if that made any sense. Haha.

Curious as to what people say¢¢”š¬¦ because what started off as a discussion between Mr. Peach and I, led into a fight! No worries – because we got our issues resolved, but nevertheless, I’m curious about your opinion on this subject matter. I know most of our readers are female, but if there are any male readers out there, your insight would be much appreciated as well!

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Mrs. Peach

Location:
New Jersey/Atlanta
Wedding Date:
March 2014

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  1. Guest Icon Guest
    Jamie, Guest @ 1:36 pm

    I think the loss of “freedom” is the same for both guys and girls. I mean, when you get married, you can’t go out with your friends without telling your husband/wife. You can’t make major decisions such as a job across the country without consulting your husband/wife. But in a way, the percieved loss of freedom doesn’t matter when you have someone else to share life with. And you have a second pair of eyes to help you with your decisions and to examine how something is going to affect you both. It can put things in perspective.

  2. Guest Icon Guest
    Leslie, Guest @ 1:42 pm

    I think guys perceive it as more of a loss than gals do. My FI is worried about losing his time with the guys: watching sports, playing video games, etc. I just keep assuring him that it will be a change and will take some getting used to, but I don’t think he’s going to suffer from it. I just have to keep reminding him that I’m not going to prevent him from having his guy time, but he just might not have as much as he does now. Part of this change isn’t just us getting married, though; we will also be transitioning from college life to “real” life about the same time as the wedding.

  3. Guest Icon Guest
    Iris, Guest @ 1:43 pm

    I sure hope it’s men and women getting married.

  4. Guest Icon Guest
    Bebe, Guest @ 1:44 pm

    I think it is all perception, on both parts. When you and FI became serious about each other, you probably wouldn’t make plans without letting him know first, you wouldn’t contemplate a big move across country without considering him, you wouldn’t date anyone else, etc. And (hopefully) you were happy to consider his feelings (and vice versa) because you loved each other.

    We all just get freaked out and start thinking of these compromises we made so easily before as “a loss of freedom” closer to the wedding because we start to think that something we once did because we wanted to, we will now *have* to do.

    If you keep in mind that these are compromises and decisions you are choosing to make out of love for you spouse, it feels less like giving something up and more like gaining something new.

  5. Guest Icon Guest
    May, Guest @ 1:44 pm

    I wouldn’t really call it “freedom,” George Bush has put such a great cost to calling anything freedom and in marriage I don’t think it’s the right word necessarily.

    For FI and I there is no “freedom” without each other being there so I guess it’s the opposite for us. We are free to do our own thing and that will continue into marriage without asking for “permission.” More of a “head’s up I’ve got plans so do your own thing” but fact of the matter is that we’d rather do things together. It may sound cheesy and unreal but it’s real for us.

  6. Guest Icon Guest
    Carrie, Guest @ 1:48 pm

    I don’t forsee any loss of freedom for either of us. We have been living together for several years, and he can still go out with his guy friends whenever he wants. Yes we tell each other first and make sure we aren’t missing any major plans with each other. But I don’t see that as a loss of freedom. It’s just showing respect to the person you love.

  7. Guest Icon Guest
    M, Guest @ 1:55 pm

    I dont think its a loss of freedom. I dont wanna think that way about a marriage. If one feels that way…maybe marriage is not the best fit if you think you are losing your freedom. I think its more of a respect issue for your SO. You just need to have common sense about the things you decide on because it will effect your other half..

  8. Guest Icon Guest
    K, Guest @ 1:56 pm

    i totally agree with the ladies above. i dont see it as a loss of freedom but a sign of respecting your partner. when you are single, the mentality of i can do anything i want whenever i want too and not answer to anyone is something that can be seen as freedom. when you are in a relationship, you shouldn’t be answering to someone but considering their feelings. you should want to include them in your life by either making decisions together or listening to their opinions on a decision you have to make yourself.

  9. Guest Icon Guest
    Chrissie, Guest @ 2:00 pm

    I personally don’t like the use of the word “freedom”, either. For us, I don’t see a huge change. It is all about making decisions together while still being your own person. I second Carrie that it is a sign of respect.

    I think overall in society, there is the view that guys lose more “freedom”, as evidenced by the term “ball and chain”.

  10. Guest Icon Guest
    deesbride, Guest @ 2:03 pm

    i’m glad you posted about this since this thought of losing “freedom” weighed on me for a while. i have a chronic problem of wanderlusting and it saddened me to think that it’ll be much harder to take off and travel to a random country once married. His work schedule won’t allow much time for travel.

    i recently realized, though, that i would rather just stay at home and be with FI than travel to exotic places by myself.

    ha! this is what i say now. maybe in the end we’ll work out a compromise somehow and travel every other year or so, given finance and time.

  11. Guest Icon Guest
    deesbride, Guest @ 2:06 pm

    oh sorry. i didn’t address your original question. in our case, i think i perceive higher loss than FI. he seems so excited and happy to be married, and even now he’s shown that he prefers to spend time me than with his guy friends.

  12. Guest Icon Guest
    Jilly, Guest @ 2:41 pm

    I don’t know – it seems like all the “freedom” (e.g., having to check in, making plans, huge life decisions) was all lost when we moved in together. Even before that, really. Marriage isn’t going to change our relationship on those issues.

  13. Guest Icon Guest
    JenChen, Guest @ 3:14 pm

    Hi Miss Peach! This comment is a tangent but I was reading your lil bio (a feature I really like!) and me and my fiances story is really similar to yours! First, im a chemical engineer, and fi is still in school (to get his credential). Second, we were long distance for 4 years for our undergrad. and Third, we also started dating our senior year of high school. Hehe sorry this is random! Just thought I’d share :-)

  14. Guest Icon Guest
    thistleorchid, Guest @ 3:16 pm

    If anything, I think the freedom will increase. We’ve lived together for three years now and have figured out the me time vs us time already. Now that we’ll be married though, the freedom to decide to spend holidays and important family events together will be greater. Not easier, just greater. I haven’t spent a Christmas together with my FI because our families live so far apart and neither set of parents was willing to give us up at a time that has always been very important to each of us growing up and to our families. I can’t wait to spend Christmas *with* him and share my families traditions with him and vice versa. This isn’t to say it won’t be hard to do, parents are still heartbroken by the fact of us potentially not being there every other year, but still.

    As to traditional freedoms, I whole heartedly agree with some of the ladies above – you know when you need alone time and when you need together time and you’re willing to give it to each other out of love and respect. I almost think that if you’re (not you specifically Ms. Peach, you as in the general you public out there) worried about loosing that freedom me time, then maybe you’re not ready for the commitment of marriage. Or at the very least, if you’re not ready to accept that and welcome it with open arms knowing that you each have the other’s best interests at heart, then it’s not that time yet.

  15. Guest Icon Guest
    annas mom, Guest @ 4:27 pm

    hi miss peach-
    like you, i was a virgin when i married, and my FI and i never lived together. i totally understand how you feel. it seems that alot of the people here perhaps have experienced the responsibilities of living together prior to marriage, so it’s a bit different for those like us.

    you know, i think both of us lost the freedom of being more independent, and a lot of it was the issue of power struggle in the beginning. i wanted him to write out his schedule so i could plan nights with friends around it, and he didn’t want to because he felt i was trying to control him! eventually of course, it worked out where he understood what i was trying to do. i say use the google calendar where you guys can both put your schedules in to work through it! good luck!

  16. Guest Icon Guest
    Laura, Guest @ 4:55 pm

    I think it was 50 years ago men lost financial freedom–the man gained a woman he had to support, and the woman gained someone who was replacing her father as her financial support.

    Now women can support themselves and can even make more money than their husband. Their are changes in life that both the man and the woman makes, both must make sacrafices. Overall the gain must be worth it though, or we wouldn’t do it :-)

  17. Guest Icon Guest
    Miss Peach, Guest @ 5:32 pm

    annas mom- i think you hit exactly how I/ Mr. Peach felt! ^_^

  18. Guest Icon Guest
    serena, Guest @ 7:15 pm

    from what I learned in school, guys dont really lose, they give up, a lot of their social life. thats why when the wife dies, the men suffer more, women tend to keep more social networks and the network helps with coping…doesnt sound really happy….

  19. Guest Icon Guest
    Ophelia, Guest @ 2:38 am

    My bf and I use google calendar, too. After a while of dating and being together a lot, we realized we drifted too far from friends and our own time. The calendar helps us know when he/I has something scheduled, and we try to find something else to do. Also, it was quite helpful when an event needs to be scheduled for both- it’s easy to check the availability! Of course, it requires both parties to be very dilligent about updating the calendar. =)

  20. Guest Icon Guest
    Jess, Guest @ 7:56 pm

    For my marriage I lost most of the freedom because I have always been very easy going and he gets kind of up tight. So i do agree I believe it’s just based upon the person and who you are married to.

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