Weddingbee

Please welcome back groom-to-be chrischoi! You can read one of his previous blogs here, as well as his most fantasticromanticwonderful proposal that we previously featured here.

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I think I have a lot of great ideas. The only bad part is, I don’t think the rest of the world agrees. This is most exemplified in my sad attempt to try to “help” in the wedding planning process. Thus far, I have officially submitted, complete with TPS cover sheet, 10 wedding ideas. Thus far, 10 have been rejected by my wife2b. Hold on, lemme first explain this.

Tangent #1
wife2b: I decided today to call Esther “wife2b” cause it makes her sounds like a cool droid, and it sounds better than fiance which sounds like a french word (and we all know that as a way to show true american spirit, we rename all french words with the adjective freedom but freedom girlfriend sounds weird.) Plus it sounds like really cool technology. End tangent.

Any event - 10 ideas I thought was brilliant, down the drain. So here goes:

REJECTED WEDDING IDEAS THAT ARE BRILLIANT AND SUPER DUPER AWESOME

1. Mr. Roboto Intro
Ok, imagine this. You enter the sanctuary where we are to marry, when instead of seeing the groom waiting at the altar, you see the bride instead! But where’s the groom? That’s when BAM. The lights go off and the wonderful tintinabulation of Styx’s Mr. Roboto turns on. Then pyyyyaaaooohh! Lasers! Everywhere! And then at the altar, smoke machines turn on as you hear “TOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO” then from the pews, will be my henchmen (see number 6) who were hiding underneath the seat, and they start to emerge like on the Cats musical. Except, people might not get the reference, so they will actually be wearing cat suits. Clawing at the sky in dramatic fashion. That’s when everyone will wonder “Wow, why are they clawing at the sky?” And then you see it. ME! Wearing the most immaculate sparkly tuxedo with wings (yes, it needs wings) as I’m slowly being dropped down using high tensile strength wires. And as soon as my foot hits the floor, I pull a David Blaine and flick my arms out and there’s a huge bonfire of fireworks bursting around me. And then the wedding begins.

2. A Petting Zoo
A lot of the times, weddings are just a blur - people rarely remember after a few years, and you always wonder which wedding had what. But if there was a petting zoo at mine, giraffes, stingrays, goats, and horses…everyone will remember and think “omg, remember Chris and Esther’s wedding? Those giraffes were crazy.”

3. Lighting people on fire as they come in
Same concept as the petting zoo, but instead using fire. “omg, remember Chris and Esther’s wedding? People were on fire!”

4. Cotton candy machine
mmmm..cotton…..canddyyy….

5. Where’s Waldo Wedding Picture
I think our wedding guest list is close to 400 people. I kid you not. I don’t remember the last time I was at a personal event and there was 400 people. So I figured, might as well take full advantage of the situation, wear a red striped beanie, a red sweater, sport thick round glasses, and then have the photographer take a picture of everyone. Except I’m hiding somewhere behind the organ of the church or something. Hee hee…then when my children see my wedding photo album they’ll be like “There’s mommy…but where’s daddy??” 10 minutes pass…”THERE HE IS!” And we all have a good time. Oh, and all photo album pictures will be like this.

6. Henchman
Seriously - groomsmen? I barely groom myself, so why would I need 4 guys whose sole purpose is to groom. Sheeesh. Which is why I suggest, the traditional groomsmen be called henchmen instead. Everyone knows that henchmen are much more handy. Plus they show much more loyalty than a groomsmen would. Henchmen would be willing to fall off cliffs, get crushed by rocks, disintegrated by lasers, chopped in bits by a razor blade, etc. all for what seems like no reason! Also, I would make my henchmen where black masks like Kato (of Bruce Lee fame, not OJ).

7. Scratch and sniff wedding invitations
The card would feature our dogs Gromit and Juby and it would say “If you don’t come, you’re like this” and it would point to a round brown sticker that says “scratch and sniff.” When someone does that and sniffs it, they’ll notice it smells like poop. Funny thing is, it wasn’t a sticker afterall, but fresh poop courtesy of Gromit. And then on the back of the card it would say “PWNED!!”

8. Star wars theme
Enough said. Wife2b rejected this idea the fastest.

9. Mathematical equation and mensa quiz wedding invitation
To ensure only smart people are at my wedding, people will have to solve a mensa quiz and an advanced math equation to figure out the address and date of the wedding. But then there was a problem in that, there would only be geeks at my wedding.

10. Mini gromit bull fighting
Step one: put horns on Gromit. Step two: give everyone mini red capes. Step three: watch Gromit gore people. Step four: watch me clap in happiness. Step five: wife2b says no.

But I have to say, some ideas are actually going through at the end of the day. All the ones I suggest when I’m sober seem to be ok for now - but those details are saved for the actual big day.

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