Wedding Blog

I think the important thing is to keep the fire and passion alive..

and I’m sure a lot of readers can suggest how >:]

Fire and passion doesn’t last. Sure, some relationships keep it longer than others, but *every* relationship has different seasons. You may start with fire and passion, but then the next season must come. The trick is to enjoy each season as it is happening! Instead of wishing for things past, remind yourself of things you have now that you didn’t in that fire and passion stage.

Heh. Like my grammar in my last post? Of course, I meant to say that “fire and passion don’t last.”

Eh…I need coffee….

I’ve had many issues with this. Although I am very young (still in college… I love reading weddingbee bc I find it entertaining and have thought about becoming an event planner… def not getting married anytime soon though) and my BF is of barely two years, I have spent many nights wondering where the fire has gone… Does this mean we are no longer attracted to each other? Are we losing feelings?

I’ve had talks about this with my girlfriends and sometimes we settle on the ‘that’s just the way it is’ and realize that the comfort stage means progress so it’s okay that the fire isn’t always there anymore. If we moved on to someone else everytime that fire goes away, we would never be able to settle down and get married. Perhaps it would be more exciting but you wouldn’t have the stability or security that many of us are all looking for.

There will always be an end to the fire as Kristina wrote. It has become unrealistic to believe that true love is defined by an everlasting fire all the time. Life just isn’t the fairytale you thought it would be. You have fights… you make up… there are ups and downs… It is a little disheartening and it leaves you unsatisfied… But I agree with Miss Mouse also in that the hope I have is from what new and exciting things are to come. So in the end, our relationships are what we want them to be… and that could mean comfortable AND exciting.

Yay for my first comment… =P

I feel that the two are not mutually exclusive, and that - as Lixue said - you have to keep it alive. and, while im not married, i am very comfortable and broken in w/ my long term boyfriend- and the following is what works for me, and what i hope will continue to work.

i think your post echoes many women’s thoughts in that it centers around the idea that passion and fire have a specific definition, and it almost always comes back to those feelings you had for each other in the beginning - when you couldnt get enough of each other. you’re intoxicated w/ the newness of it all, the excitement.

but as your relationship matures and time passes, i think you have to let your passion and fire mature as well. it has to grow with you, evolve with you as your knowledge of each other, ur respect and love for each other all grow. contrary to what you see in other couples may tell you - you can redefine passion to be something you couldn’t even imagine back in those days as a new couple.

for me - just thinking about how much he loves me, all the ways in which he loves me, how much i feel undeserving of him at times when i am at my worst, all the pride he shows in us, and not just that - when i think of the magnitude of the love i have for him, when i think of a point in my life when i didnt know this kind of love existed, when i think of the beginning of our relationship when neither of us knew how it would grow - all of that and more is plenty enough to make me speechless, make my heart jump in my throat and forces me take a minute to collect myself.
all this is overly gushy, i know - but to me.. this is passion. this is fire. not only that, this is passion wrought from foundation and experience and will only grow more as i let it- by remembering to take the time to really consider the depth of what i have and what it means to me.

and i really think that if any woman who feels their relationship is slightly in a rut because life has gotten in the way or you’ve just become accustomed to fitting like a glove - just taking a moment to reflect on what it took to get you there could make all the difference.

man - im really sorry for the overly gushy long post. so is not like me -_______-

i totally absolutely 100% agree with what C said above!!!!! took the words right out of my mouth

I agree with Mrs. Bee - you can still have that fire, if you just let it come to you. FH and I are way past that “can’t keep our hands off each other” stage, but there are still moments when we will look at each other and…fire. I always try to seize the moment - I’ll kiss him at random for no other reason than he looks particularly cute, or we’ll make out in the kitchen waiting for dinner to be ready because we can. (TMI? Sorry!)

True, these instances are rare, but combined with the comfort and respect and love we have now, I’d say our current relationship (4 years and counting) is even more interesting and exciting than it was at first.

hmm…Laura, seems like your problem should have its post all to itself. I think it’s a common problem. The whole lost of female libido thing and often times it goes much deeper than most people want to admit or explore.

Marriage encompasses everything. Emotional, physical, mental, financial, sexual and primal. So you’re going to have to confront the problems one day. And I think it should be sooner than later. Maybe it’s something that is strictly your problem or maybe it’s a problem effected by your relationship.

It’s undeniable that sex plays a big part in a relationship. There are days when i’m more excited to have it than other days. And with women, there is a huge emotional connection with the physical act itself. If I’m not emotionally connecting for whatever reason, its hard to get physically close to him.

Here is an awesome quote:

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling… Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go… But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense ¢¢â€š¬” love as distinct from ‘being in love’ ¢¢â€š¬” is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God…

Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. ”

—- C.S. Lewis

Oops the quotation marks got messed up in that second paragraph.

Jen, that is an awesome quote! Thanks for sharing.

I agree with C and everyone else who has stated that passion and comfort aren’t mutually exclusive. I think that they can be, but in the best case scenario, passion deepens and changes over time.

Laura, I think that things kind of ebb and flow. It could be totally un-related to your FI - as you mentioned, you are really stressed right now.

Great post!

Someone on another blog I frequent suggested The Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, by David Schnarch, and Grant and I are reading it now. I really recommend it — the fundamental idea is that successful long-term relationships, including marriages, occur because each member of the relationship continues to develop individually within the relationship — a process the author calls differentiation.

If love were all it took for a relationship to succeed, it’d be easy, right?! — we forget that all relationships require effort — with parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, shop clerks . . . so, of course it takes work to keep passion and intimacy alive in a marriage or long-term relationship.

I decided to marry Grant because in addition to shared values and backgrounds, we both hold developing the relationship over the years as a high priority (among professional development, community involvement, and maintaining close friendships outside of our relationship). For us, shared priorities makes it SO much easier to get through difficult periods, and more fulfilling as we make major life decisions when faced with alternatives (relocate to Japan?, add a story onto the house?, have a child?)

No one (I hope!) starts a relationship with the expectation that it will fail, or the magic and passion will die — but most of us don’t have the tools and experience to ensure success; and for some reason we think that even though we had to learn to drive a car, we don’t have to learn how to have a happy relationship . . . .

Thanks for posting this, and for letting me share.

Great post!

Someone on another blog I frequent suggested Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarck — Grant and I are reading it now, and I highly recommend it.

The author’s essential premise is that successful long-term relationships (including marriage) occur because each person continues to develop individually within the relationship - a process he calls Differentiation.

If love was all it took, relationships would be easy, right?! I think too often we forget that all relationships require effort — with parents, children, friends, co-workers and shopkeepers, as well as lovers and spouses.

I decided to marry Grant because in addition to shared values and backgrounds, we hold developing the passion, intimacy, and friendship in our relationship over the years as a high priority (as well as professional development, community involvement, and maintaining close friendships outside of our relationship). Having agreed upon our priorities really helps us when we have difficult times, or difficult decision to make (move to Japan? add a story onto the house? have a child?). I think Stephen Covey refers to having a Mission Statement for your family, in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - and I think it’s a similar concept.

No one (I hope!) starts a relationship expecting it to fail, or the magic and passion to die — but, many of us don’t have the tools to ensure success — for some reason even though we know we weren’t born knowing how to drive, but had to learn, we think we’re born knowing how to have a successful marriage . . . well, here’s to lifelong learning!

Someone on another blog I frequent suggested a book called Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, by David Schnarck — Grant and I are reading it now, and I highly recommend it.

The author’s essential premise is that successful long-term relationships (including marriage) occur because each person continues to develop individually within the relationship - a process he calls Differentiation.

If love was all it took, relationships would be easy, right?! I think too often we forget that all relationships require effort — with parents, children, friends, co-workers and shopkeepers, as well as lovers and spouses.

I decided to marry Grant because in addition to shared values and backgrounds, we hold developing the passion, intimacy, and friendship in our relationship over the years as a high priority (as well as professional development, community involvement, and maintaining close friendships outside of our relationship). Having agreed upon our priorities really helps us when we have difficult times, or difficult decision to make (move to Japan? add a story onto the house? have a child?). I think Stephen Covey refers to having a Mission Statement for your family, in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - and I think it’s a similar concept.

No one (I hope!) starts a relationship expecting it to fail, or the magic and passion to die — but, many of us don’t have the tools to ensure success — for some reason even though we know we weren’t born knowing how to drive, but had to learn, we think we’re born knowing how to have a successful marriage . . . well, here’s to lifelong learning!

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