Fire vs Comfort
March 13th, 2007 @ 10:32 am by Mrs. Kiwi
Sometimes I get a little wistful when I see couples who are madly in love and showing it. This isn’t to say that I don’t absolutely ADORE Mr. Kiwi, it’s something different. I frequent sites that have ladies just getting engaged, or are on their way to engagement. They are just so full of joy and glee that I am a little envious, because I didn’t exactly feel that.
Instead, when we got engaged, it was almost like “Finally, now we can move on to our marriage”. While I’ve loved Mr. Kiwi for eons, we got into our comfort zone very quickly. Since we had dated each other previously, there really wasn’t any surprise to our relationship; it was like we had seen what was out there and when we got together, we just didn’t find the need to keep searching anymore. I think of it as a pair of shoes, ours were already broken in and comfortable - there wasn’t a need to shift around to make it feel right.
This makes me wonder, is the excitement and bliss at the beginning of each relationship due to pass? I’ve been in relationships that are full of excitement and constant action. I’ve felt the passion and frenzy of a relationship that is all fire. And while the passion never really died, the fire did. The fire turned to ashes and the relationship was done. This has happened to me many many times. In fact, I’d say Mr. Kiwi was the only relationship that was based on mutual respect and adoration.
I’ve been told that after the newness runs out, there has to be something left to build on, and I think that our mutual love and respect is the perfect foundation for marriage. I wondered what everyone else thinks, though.
How much of your relationship is fire and passion? What about deep and tender love?
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30 Responses to “Fire vs Comfort”
I think the important thing is to keep the fire and passion alive..
and I’m sure a lot of readers can suggest how >:]
I’m so glad you posted this conversation. I have been viewing this blog for a long time now and I’ve been engaged for over a year (wedding in May ‘07!). I have been feeling like there has been little fire due to the planning and saving rather than spending of money…which means little time to do things other than sit at home and talk, or watch tv and talk, or be on the computer looking at things wedding-related and talk….and the talking is great, but what then! Little has happened in the “you-know-what” part of our lives due to high stress jobs and lots of planning - we are tired all the time. WHAT TO DO? Ladies, help out there, will ya!
Fire and passion doesn’t last. Sure, some relationships keep it longer than others, but *every* relationship has different seasons. You may start with fire and passion, but then the next season must come. The trick is to enjoy each season as it is happening! Instead of wishing for things past, remind yourself of things you have now that you didn’t in that fire and passion stage. 
Since FI and I have been dating for 13 years (since we were 15) we have certainly run the gamut in terms of emotions! We are now for sure in the comfortable stage and have been for some time. However, there is still newness as we grow and change in our lives. Staying together for 13 years, and for those particular 13 years, has been a constant challenge. We haven’t always grown at the same pace and so the ebb and flow of the relationship keeps it new and rewarding. FI likes to talk about it in terms of who has the upper hand at the moment haha! The excitement comes from hitting the milestones in life together and in moving through the changes of life as a team. Just making it through the past 13 years has given us such a deep love for one another that we are truly best friends and everything else that you dream about in a partner. There may not be the same fire and passion as there used to be but in my opinion what we have now is so much better!
Heh. Like my grammar in my last post? Of course, I meant to say that “fire and passion don’t last.”
Eh…I need coffee….
I’ve actually discussed this with my closest friends many times. I really believe that a great relationship is one in which the passion never dies. People mistaken that just because you’re comfortable that passion must be compromised, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I think there’s a part of yourself and your relationship that has to stay young. Yes, when you’ve seen every inch of each other’s body and lifestyle, it’s hard to keep any element of surprise. It’s a weird example, but I remember watching the Cosby show when I was young and I always thought Cliff and Clair had this enviable relationship, because they were old, they’re children were old and yet they still seemed sooo in love with each other.
I still have a lot of fun with my fiance and it’s past our 6th year together. Part of keeping the passion alive is trying to do something new and different every once in awhile. Any new experience, good or bad, bonds people. We still celebrate every monthly anniversary, we’re still playful, we’re still crazy about each other and we show it. Sometimes we’ll stop what we’re doing and just give each other a kiss on the lips. Passion and lustful are not the same things!
If you let yourself just be comfortable all the time, then you risk the passion dying out because people who are comfortable don’t find the need or motivation to “try.” Relationships need a lot of work, it isn’t given and it’s always a work in progress and you always have to keep trying.
And my mother taught me one thing…a woman always needs to keep a certain mystery about herself. Do it smartly and they’ll always find you interesting! I trust my mom because my parents are still a crazy for each other couple!
I’ve had many issues with this. Although I am very young (still in college… I love reading weddingbee bc I find it entertaining and have thought about becoming an event planner… def not getting married anytime soon though) and my BF is of barely two years, I have spent many nights wondering where the fire has gone… Does this mean we are no longer attracted to each other? Are we losing feelings?
I’ve had talks about this with my girlfriends and sometimes we settle on the ‘that’s just the way it is’ and realize that the comfort stage means progress so it’s okay that the fire isn’t always there anymore. If we moved on to someone else everytime that fire goes away, we would never be able to settle down and get married. Perhaps it would be more exciting but you wouldn’t have the stability or security that many of us are all looking for.
There will always be an end to the fire as Kristina wrote. It has become unrealistic to believe that true love is defined by an everlasting fire all the time. Life just isn’t the fairytale you thought it would be. You have fights… you make up… there are ups and downs… It is a little disheartening and it leaves you unsatisfied… But I agree with Miss Mouse also in that the hope I have is from what new and exciting things are to come. So in the end, our relationships are what we want them to be… and that could mean comfortable AND exciting.
Yay for my first comment… =P
Thanks for all the replies, everyone! I’ve been thinking about this a lot, partially scared for what the comfort in our relationship could mean. As you all know, my parents didn’t have a good relationship, so I think this has wounded me. I don’t know what normal relationships are based upon, so I think that every little thing means something bad.
Mr. Kiwi and I still have SO MUCH FUN. Every night I get so excited to be sleeping next to him. So in that way, I know there is so much love. Every time I question our future, Mr. Kiwi says, if we have to work on making it better every day, we will.
Thank you again, for all the responses!
I feel that the two are not mutually exclusive, and that - as Lixue said - you have to keep it alive. and, while im not married, i am very comfortable and broken in w/ my long term boyfriend- and the following is what works for me, and what i hope will continue to work.
i think your post echoes many women’s thoughts in that it centers around the idea that passion and fire have a specific definition, and it almost always comes back to those feelings you had for each other in the beginning - when you couldnt get enough of each other. you’re intoxicated w/ the newness of it all, the excitement.
but as your relationship matures and time passes, i think you have to let your passion and fire mature as well. it has to grow with you, evolve with you as your knowledge of each other, ur respect and love for each other all grow. contrary to what you see in other couples may tell you - you can redefine passion to be something you couldn’t even imagine back in those days as a new couple.
for me - just thinking about how much he loves me, all the ways in which he loves me, how much i feel undeserving of him at times when i am at my worst, all the pride he shows in us, and not just that - when i think of the magnitude of the love i have for him, when i think of a point in my life when i didnt know this kind of love existed, when i think of the beginning of our relationship when neither of us knew how it would grow - all of that and more is plenty enough to make me speechless, make my heart jump in my throat and forces me take a minute to collect myself.
all this is overly gushy, i know - but to me.. this is passion. this is fire. not only that, this is passion wrought from foundation and experience and will only grow more as i let it- by remembering to take the time to really consider the depth of what i have and what it means to me.
and i really think that if any woman who feels their relationship is slightly in a rut because life has gotten in the way or you’ve just become accustomed to fitting like a glove - just taking a moment to reflect on what it took to get you there could make all the difference.
man - im really sorry for the overly gushy long post. so is not like me -_______-
i used to say to mr. bee “the newlywed stage is over.” but he would say that that makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy… that the passion doesn’t have to die, but you have to work at it.
i didn’t believe it at first, but now i’m inclined to think it’s true. you can have both… even after many many years together.
i totally absolutely 100% agree with what C said above!!!!! took the words right out of my mouth
I feel that way sometimes, too! Rob and I were friends for so long before we “got together” that it felt like the excitement of the “getting to know you” phase was never there. But I have more fun with him than anyone, EVER. I’m happy to be marrying the most trustworthy, loyal, and caring person I’ve ever met - even if we’re not making out in public or setting the bed on fire (usually, at least)! So you’re not alone!
I agree with Mrs. Bee - you can still have that fire, if you just let it come to you. FH and I are way past that “can’t keep our hands off each other” stage, but there are still moments when we will look at each other and…fire. I always try to seize the moment - I’ll kiss him at random for no other reason than he looks particularly cute, or we’ll make out in the kitchen waiting for dinner to be ready because we can. (TMI? Sorry!)
True, these instances are rare, but combined with the comfort and respect and love we have now, I’d say our current relationship (4 years and counting) is even more interesting and exciting than it was at first.
Good timing on this post Miss Kiwi. After reading through the responses I see that maybe fire and passion subsides for some people and it doesn’t for others. I hope that’s the answer anyway, I hope it doesn’t mean that those of us who’ve lost the fire have just chosen the wrong person. I wonder that a lot.
I’ve been with my fiance for over 3 years now. I am certain that I love him, and I know that the passion is still very much alive for him. For me however, every aspect of our relationship is great except for our sex life (I hope this isn’t too personal for this thread!!) But my passion in that area is not just dormant, it’s competely dead. I basically put up with it about once a week but don’t enjoy it, and I often wonder if this is because I fell out of love with him or if it’s just me in general and I would be uninterested in sex with anyone.
The weird thing is though that despite this, I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t know if I’m settling or not. I want to know if the passion can come back or not. And if not, if it’s reasonable to expect myself to regularly be intimate with him when I am not interested. If it’s even fair to him. I don’t know if I should be breaking up with him, if that would be the kinder thing to do or not. Isn’t this stupid? Sex is the ONLY problem in our relationship and I’m thinking of leaving him over it because I’m not making him happy.
Passion has been a bit of an issue with us for about a year. When we first got together, we couldn’t get enough of each other, so it hasn’t always been this way. When it first became an issue, the problem was that I wasn’t really interested but I would get into it if he would start something. After we got engaged though, a lot of disccussions came up with my family about how none of them approve of my fiance, and interestingly, it was immediately after these discussions that I stopped wanting anything to do with sex.
hmm…Laura, seems like your problem should have its post all to itself. I think it’s a common problem. The whole lost of female libido thing and often times it goes much deeper than most people want to admit or explore.
Marriage encompasses everything. Emotional, physical, mental, financial, sexual and primal. So you’re going to have to confront the problems one day. And I think it should be sooner than later. Maybe it’s something that is strictly your problem or maybe it’s a problem effected by your relationship.
It’s undeniable that sex plays a big part in a relationship. There are days when i’m more excited to have it than other days. And with women, there is a huge emotional connection with the physical act itself. If I’m not emotionally connecting for whatever reason, its hard to get physically close to him.
i agree with a lot of the ladies [and totally with c on the cosby thing...i used to think the same thing!] i think of it like this: it’s just like a real fire, at first it’s super hot but as it cools, it gets to that nice comfortable state when you can actually sit and be warmed by it and not overheat.
in the beginning we all have those “can’t keep your hands to yourselves” phases [i'm still in it with my bf even after 2 years since we're long distance and don't see each other often enough] which is great but even that turns to the more comfortable stage, which is something i’m starting to see evolve in my own relationship and i’m totally excited for it. it’s that evolution that is evidenced in the truest of relationships.
i believe passion is the sincerest form of “fire.” it’s more love than lust. the key here, as many have stressed, is to not let that fire just die. its important for both people to put in the effort to keep it burning.
Here is an awesome quote:
“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling… Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go… But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense ¢¢â€š¬” love as distinct from ‘being in love’ ¢¢â€š¬” is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God…
Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. ”
—- C.S. Lewis
I don’t really have any advice for you, Laura, but I have to tell you, I’m going through the same thing. Only it’s ME who is asking for it. I think I’ll blog about it, and see what advice we get.
Oops the quotation marks got messed up in that second paragraph.
Laura I’m going through the same thing except the considering breaking up part. If you are on birth control it could be a big reason for not being “in the mood” but I couldn’t imagine life with anyone other than my FH. Good Luck!!
Jen, that is an awesome quote! Thanks for sharing.
I agree with C and everyone else who has stated that passion and comfort aren’t mutually exclusive. I think that they can be, but in the best case scenario, passion deepens and changes over time.
Laura, I think that things kind of ebb and flow. It could be totally un-related to your FI - as you mentioned, you are really stressed right now.
I agree with Robyn on this. I am having the same issue but I don’t want to be without my FH. He is the love of my life. We often blame it on stress and being tired, but I know it’s more than that. I think it’s a combination of subconciously believing we’ll always be there and taking that for granted and just not having the libido for it. Ohh, he just texted me ” I love you more each day”…see now I feel bad for writing this!
Great post!
Someone on another blog I frequent suggested The Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, by David Schnarch, and Grant and I are reading it now. I really recommend it — the fundamental idea is that successful long-term relationships, including marriages, occur because each member of the relationship continues to develop individually within the relationship — a process the author calls differentiation.
If love were all it took for a relationship to succeed, it’d be easy, right?! — we forget that all relationships require effort — with parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, shop clerks . . . so, of course it takes work to keep passion and intimacy alive in a marriage or long-term relationship.
I decided to marry Grant because in addition to shared values and backgrounds, we both hold developing the relationship over the years as a high priority (among professional development, community involvement, and maintaining close friendships outside of our relationship). For us, shared priorities makes it SO much easier to get through difficult periods, and more fulfilling as we make major life decisions when faced with alternatives (relocate to Japan?, add a story onto the house?, have a child?)
No one (I hope!) starts a relationship with the expectation that it will fail, or the magic and passion will die — but most of us don’t have the tools and experience to ensure success; and for some reason we think that even though we had to learn to drive a car, we don’t have to learn how to have a happy relationship . . . .
Thanks for posting this, and for letting me share.
I am the MOB and check this site many times a day! I am planning my daughter’s wedding. I thought that I could add a little comment in this department. I have been very happily married for the last 25 years. The degree of passion does change. It is still there and you need to keep it alive. As the years go by, there is so much that we have shared together. I am still madly in love with my husband! I truly love him more and more each day! Our friends always say that they can see the way we look at each other across the room that we have something very special. I do believe what we have is wonderful. Even though there have been down times in our marriage-we never would give up. We just always work things out. He is my best friend and the kindest man I know. He means the world to me! Keep the fire alive and it will never die! I can only wish that kind of love for my daughter and all of you!!!!
Great post!
Someone on another blog I frequent suggested Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarck — Grant and I are reading it now, and I highly recommend it.
The author’s essential premise is that successful long-term relationships (including marriage) occur because each person continues to develop individually within the relationship - a process he calls Differentiation.
If love was all it took, relationships would be easy, right?! I think too often we forget that all relationships require effort — with parents, children, friends, co-workers and shopkeepers, as well as lovers and spouses.
I decided to marry Grant because in addition to shared values and backgrounds, we hold developing the passion, intimacy, and friendship in our relationship over the years as a high priority (as well as professional development, community involvement, and maintaining close friendships outside of our relationship). Having agreed upon our priorities really helps us when we have difficult times, or difficult decision to make (move to Japan? add a story onto the house? have a child?). I think Stephen Covey refers to having a Mission Statement for your family, in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - and I think it’s a similar concept.
No one (I hope!) starts a relationship expecting it to fail, or the magic and passion to die — but, many of us don’t have the tools to ensure success — for some reason even though we know we weren’t born knowing how to drive, but had to learn, we think we’re born knowing how to have a successful marriage . . . well, here’s to lifelong learning!
Thank you Tamara!!! It’s nice to hear the POV of someone who KNOWS from a lasting relationship!
Someone on another blog I frequent suggested a book called Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, by David Schnarck — Grant and I are reading it now, and I highly recommend it.
The author’s essential premise is that successful long-term relationships (including marriage) occur because each person continues to develop individually within the relationship - a process he calls Differentiation.
If love was all it took, relationships would be easy, right?! I think too often we forget that all relationships require effort — with parents, children, friends, co-workers and shopkeepers, as well as lovers and spouses.
I decided to marry Grant because in addition to shared values and backgrounds, we hold developing the passion, intimacy, and friendship in our relationship over the years as a high priority (as well as professional development, community involvement, and maintaining close friendships outside of our relationship). Having agreed upon our priorities really helps us when we have difficult times, or difficult decision to make (move to Japan? add a story onto the house? have a child?). I think Stephen Covey refers to having a Mission Statement for your family, in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - and I think it’s a similar concept.
No one (I hope!) starts a relationship expecting it to fail, or the magic and passion to die — but, many of us don’t have the tools to ensure success — for some reason even though we know we weren’t born knowing how to drive, but had to learn, we think we’re born knowing how to have a successful marriage . . . well, here’s to lifelong learning!
It sounds to me like you are well on your way to a strong and lasting marriage. I have bene married for a very long time - long enough to tell you that relationships go through stages. At some points, we are just really close friends travelling together. That stages passes and the emotional flame sparks with that loveydovey feeling for a while.
To many brides go into marriage as “The best day of their lives” Their wedding/marriage is something they have worked and built up to. That’s great - until after the wedding and honey moon period when that goal is reached - and they are left saying “now what?” Pysicologists call that “Post Wedding Depression” - seriously! It is MUCH healthier to view your marriage as the next step in an ongoing journey then to see it as the destination. Sure - a stepping stone is not as exciting as arriving at the destination - but it leaves more stepping stones, more goals, more relationship to work with:)
[...] Fire vs. Comfort by Miss Kiwi [...]
Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
I always wonder that too! After almost 3 years of dating, my boyfriend and I are so comfortable with each other…there is nothing new and exciting. We both love each other deeply and intend to get married when I finish school, but I always wonder if because the “fire” is rarely there anymore, are we meant to be together? You rarely see old couples with it though and they’ve been happily married for years. I think it is more important to have more of a “best friend” as a husband, someone you can live with for a looong time.