Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
Sex Life - Cooling?
March 13th, 2007 @ 5:12 pm by Mrs. Kiwi
I know this may be a touchy subject, but as someone who has gone through it, I thought I should talk about this (even though I may get majorly flamed). As reader Laura commented in my Fire vs Comfort post, sometimes the sex in a relationship just wanes. Or is non-existent. I can agree with this, and actually say that ours is somewhat stagnant as well.
All relationships go through a span with less sex than in the early stages of the relationship. When you’re finally comfortable with your SO, things can get into a routine. There is nothing wrong with this, but it does happen to a lot of couples. Although the lack of sex may bother some (like me, for instance), I feel that it’s just part of the ebb and flow of a relationship. You can’t be raring to go all the time, can you?
Having spent every night with Mr. Kiwi for almost three years, sometimes we both just want to go to bed because we’re exhausted. A cuddle is good enough a lot of the time. It’s when one of us wants to perform, and the other says something along the lines of “Honey, I’m sleepy, maybe tomorrow,” that makes me wonder. Why? Because sometimes that “tomorrow” doesn’t come for a while.
While I don’t think you should be feeling guilty for not wanting sex all the time, when is it time to wonder WHY you don’t want sex - especially if it’s never?
Sex is an act of love. It’s not something you HAVE to do to prove that love, though. If you feel you “have” to do it just to make someone happy, I think it’s time to question your inner feelings, and find out what you can do to make sex something to enjoy. Sometimes it’s a medical thing, a medication you’ve taken makes your sex drive low. Sometimes it’s your job - stress or working too much. If you’re truly concerned that something is wrong, perhaps you should see a therapist to really think about what is going on in your head (or his).
As a disclaimer, I’d like to mention that I know there are readers who are abstaining. Obviously, this post is not directed towards you. 
There are many different views on sex, and we should all let this be a topic to discuss if you’re comfortable. I know it’s not an easy topic.
I believe that couples need to spice things up a bit. If you have any tips on keeping the spark going (as PG as possible, thanks!), please feel free to share!
28 Responses to “Sex Life - Cooling?”
I found a great post on the nest a while back — it’s a “total sex make over.” Over seven days your’re supposed to slowly make each other crazy so that by the end of the week…
DAY 1: Give flashback fever
DAY 2: Create a sensual mood
DAY 3: Build a shopping list
DAY 4: Worship each other!
DAY 5: Touch tenderly
DAY 6: Share your fantasies
DAY 7: Have sensational sex!
Here is a link to the article:
http://www.thenest.com/articles/article_love.aspx?articleid=A60510173759&MsdVisit=1
Hope this helps!
I don’t know, I’m always wanting and he … never is. Props on this post, hopefully someone will post something that’ll help me =/
I always tell my Fiance that if we act like we did in the beginning of our relationship, we’d never get anything done. Also one of the main things I’ve noticed going on 5 years now with my guy, is the lack holding hands, or touching- even if it’s just ruffling eachothers hair when you walk by. All that is basically Foreplay…and after awhile you stop doing those things, and are expected to get straight to it! Great post by the way!
I’m not sure what help I can be of…we were like rabbits in the beginning, but that’s because we were both virgins! lol….it’s been over two years, and it hasn’t really been lacking. I don’t know what does it for Mr. Kiwi, to ’spice it up’ or what have you, but good luck!
Another Laura posting here…
We still do a lot of snuggling, holding hands, and we give each other a kiss everytime we go somewhere and are about to get out of the car. I don’t equate that with passion, that’s more “caring” to me.
Part of the problem for me is that when you are with someone in the beginning, it’s just exciting because it’s a new person and you are exploring each other. After you’ve gotten to know them, well just seeing them, or the thought of having sex isn’t exciting anymore. And a lot of the fun stuff you do when the relation ship is new (liking making out during an entire movie instead of watching it) doesn’t happen anymore.
I need a little romancing now before I’m in the mood, and my dearest doesn’t understand why I’m not just excited by the mere thought of being with him. *sigh* we are just working on the communication, I think as long as we keep talking about our different needs it will be ok.
Something I didn’t mention in the last post but I think has a significant impact is the pressure we put on ourselves to “perform.” I know this is having a negative impact on my desire, but I have no idea how to snap out of it. Chris would like to have sex every day but says he could settle for 3 or 4 times a week. I personally feel really into it maybe once every 3 weeks and feel like I’m compromising by having sex once a week. Even though he doesn’t complain all the time and is always happy when he DOES get some action, I feel very pressured by the 3-4 times a week expectation that the pressure just reduces my desire. Because hello? Telling yourself you’re not sexual enough or not keeping your man happy doesn’t exactly help with setting the right mood or atmosphere. And for me and many women, frame of mind is very important to enjoyable sex but it’s a very fragile thing and can change very quickly.
So far the only solution I’ve come up with, and it kind of works, is to point out to Chris that we have very different schedules. He works from home and can sleep in till whenever he feels like getting up. I work 8:30-5 pm and have to get up at 6:30 every morning. I also function VERY BADLY on less than 8 hours of sleep, so needless to say, I’m not too receptive when he sidles up to me at 11 pm looking for some nookie. Sometimes a little shakeup to the routine is a good thing - why not having a quickie early in the evening when I get home from work? I frequently wonder if I’d be a lot more into it if we were on permanent vacation and I didn’t have to worry about schedules.
Laura, all I can say is, I am SO with you, heh heh. =/
Laura (commenter #4) I’m thinking I will start going by Laura S to avoid confusion, since we both post quite a bit! Anyway just had to laugh at the part where you said your sweetie doesn’t understand why you’re not excited by the mere thought of being with him.
If I had a penny for every time I heard “but it feels so good, why wouldn’t you want to do it all the time?!?” I would be a very rich woman!
Props on the post! This should definitely be a part of the conversation as much as flowers and dresses…planning for me has defintely been more than just organizing a seating chart - it’s been about organizing my feelings and getting our life started together knowing where each of us is coming from…(disclaimer: we’ve known about where we are coming from - hence the engagement - but I mean more about the things people rarely talk about before a marriage…the harder questions!) Than you for this Miss Kiwi and all the ladies who are making it more comfortable to feel this way (and figuring out how to work at it) as I am learning I am not the only one. Whew!
http://www.weddingbee.com/2006/11/01/reader-buzz-sex-life/?pollresult=196
here’s an old poll/post we did on sex lives that you all might find interesting.
as for our sex life… hmmmm…. i’ll just say that you gotta actively work at it like everything in your relationship. you have to communicate and put in the effort.
We are waiting till marriage. It’s worth the wait
Hey there gals. So I’m glad to see we’re not all goin’ at it like bunnies, even though it’s nice to see SOME are! I wasn’t feeling good about myself, but only because I’M the one who is nudgin’ on Mr. Kiwi. I felt unattractive and overall very unwanted. Then I saw how quickly he’s been falling asleep and how hard it is to keep himself awake when he gets home.
It seems that having a sex-life that is stalled momentarily makes people think we’re not affectionate at all. We snuggle all the time, and kiss constantly. I hug him all the time. We’re always holding hands, too. I think we’re so tired. And like a previous poster said, there will always be sex, but not always an Office marathon!
I just wanted to add: Mrs. Bee, I am the FIRST answer in your poll. Wow. It was even bad back then!
I think that what goes from the relationship before sex is making out. We noticed we haven’t been making out as much since living together. We have made an effort to do that more (for example, we have a rule: must make out when in the elevator alone) and it has made a difference. I find it puts me ‘in the mood’ more than if I have to go from 0-60 in a few minutes (also, we ride the elevator more :)).
Oh, also, if I am home before the FI, I make a point of making a big deal out of him coming home (aka, stop whatever I am doing and go hug and really kiss him.) He loves it, and I get remember how excited I am to see him every time.
FI is definitely more frisky than I am, but I think we’ve struck a balance. Honestly, it’s a balance with frequency greater than I’d like, but it’s workable for me. I just picked up this book “I’d Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido” by Joan Sewell. Haven’t dug into it, yet, but it looked pretty interesting.
Lol, I’d rather eat chocolate too. Must check out that book!!! What a hilarious title.
Great post! This is one of the only “issues” that we have. I am in my 3rd year of law school, planning a wedding and we are also building a house in a different province than we currently live in. Needless to say, I have very little free time and when I do I am not really in a generous mood! Our love life definitely slowed down when I started law school but now it has come to a screeching halt. We are very affectionate together (snuggling, kissing at the door when he comes home, holding hands etc) but finding time for actual sex has been difficult. When I have time or energy he is at work or playing hockey or sleeping. When he has time or energy I am in the middle of a paper, talking to my Mom on the phone about wedding plans or trying to get him to look at floorplans or lighting fixtures or flooring. To his credit, he is very understanding and I am so grateful that he is so secure that it isn’t that big of a deal to him. Thank God I graduate in April, although - then we will have the crazy hours of an articling job to deal with.
I guess that we are pretty lucky in that we are both willing and able, our only enemy is time so (as far as I know) there is absolutely no question about whether we still *want* each other.
P.S.
E’s girl’s post reminded me about a book that FI and I looked at a couple of years ago called The Hard Questions by Susan Piver. I found it to be a very thoughtful book that addresses some of those “hard questions” that many people don’t talk about before getting married. All of the “what ifs” that may or may not come up but that are good to talk about before they do. Everything from money to home planning/use to family to community involvement and spirituality are covered - we found it to be very useful.
I saw an episode of King of Queens and the wife (with the husband discreetly prompting) decides to take a stripper pole dance class.
Well, it doesn’t quite work out for the “fire” b/c she sucks at it…and he is not turned on hah…I thought it was a great way to show that sometimes the “passion” is harder to acheive when you’ve been together for a while.
I’m sure Miss Kiwi that when you’re on your honeymoon, you’ll find some of your passion again. Why not abstain until then ? 
See what happens!
I noticed it really changed for me when I went on the pill.
I used to be the one to want it all the time. Now I never initiate it anymore (sometimes I do because I want to make him feel good but not because I really feel it).
Well, that sucks but on the other hand, the pill made lot’s of things better for me - I used to have really painful periods and thats gone and my PMS is gone too most of the time. I am less depressed as well and when we do have sex it’s much better. That’s why I am not going of the pill.
I do hope it will get better though.
I understand and I think I relate more with Miss Kiwi. I want it ALL the time. It’s silly, I know, but I really do. My FI is a bit older, so he claims he already went through the “wanting it all the time” phase during college. For me, it never disappears.
Now that I’m working full time and coming home tired, I still want it, but now I don’t ask or expect it. I could sleep anyways, so I don’t make a big deal about it.
We’ve been together for over 3 years now, and getting married… We sometimes have to plan because of the pill or because of our busy schedules, but we always make up for it. We don’t do it all the time, but we make an effort during the times we can. We don’t have crazy sex anymore- but we shower together on the weekends, we cuddle everynight watching TV, he still finds me sexy… so I have nothing to complain about. The day he stops holding my hand or wanting to spoon me at night is when I’ll worry that the flame is gone…
Miss Kiwi, I agree with the above poster. Try abstaining? Or just don’t ask for it anymore… and see what happens. I used to play hard to get for my FI when things went a little dry, and he loved it. Good luck!
well. it’s not that we don’t enjoy it. but. we are so tired and busy with work and we both work late a lot - so sex has become secondary only because we’d rather spend the time just spending other kinds of quality time together because.
guys often are less interested if they are feeling stressed in life. it’s really the same for women. and quite frankly, a really good conversation will sometimes spark the mood more than trying to go right at it.
My gf who is med student said she learned that the “sex peak” is at the 1 year mark of a relationship and after that…. 
Sad isn’t it?
To the women who aren’t in the mood-
Maybe your broken? Maybe you are in denial that you think he’s the one but your content with going through like in a boring zombie state of pecks on the cheek.
Maybe you AREN’T ready for marriage or you HAVEN’T found the one..
When you put a job above others, it shows how screwed up priorities are these days. Your partner should be a priority. If your too tired, get off your ass and make a move with you life. Get a new career, get rid of the 250 channel cable bill and put it towards education in a new field. Your failure at taking control of your life will cause you to ruin your partners life and make him desire the affection of other women!
Wow, Mr. Bee. I really love this blog and don’t want to say anything rude to the husband of the blog owner, so I’m going to put this as politely as possible considering the rudeness and lack of compassion with which you chose to state your opinion.
I understand the point you’re trying to make, that maybe we’ve chosen the wrong guy or aren’t putting enough effort into our sex lives. You may even have a point. But do you think it might be possible to state it without accusing us of being broken (whatever that means), having “screwed up priorities,” telling us to “get off our asses,” failing to control our lives and ruining our partner’s lives? That’s a bit of a drastic and mean-spirited approach, don’t you think?
Besides which, I can’t help thinking that a guy being so cynical can’t possibly understand female sexuality because it is not always that simple. I’ve found it to be a very fragile thing in the best of circumstances that you can’t just flip on an off like a light switch.
How is a new career going to help with our sex lives? It would mostly increase stress and demands on our time in the short term, and regardless of your specific choice, having any career at all will place demands on your time and schedule. As for your suggestion to get off our asses, I would say that “getting off our asses” and working hard all day is what’s causing us to be so tired in the first place.
I don’t think any of us were implying we’re going through life in a boring zombie state.
I agree with Laura above. I do not want to be rude either, but if you’re having sex problems in the marriage, the first thing to learn is that you cannot blame one person, ie. the woman. It takes two people and pointing the finger only makes things worse. Honestly, male arousal and desire problems are just as commonplace; ever heard of premature ejaculation? That’s typically occurs because the male is not aroused enough, and this can be really annoying for the female. But pointing the finger at the man doesn’t help the situation, because there are many things that a couple can try together to build his arousal level. If a woman isn’t getting orgasm, she isn’t aroused enough either, and again one cannot necessarily point the finger here either. It’s true that female sexuality is very tied to a woman’s emotional state; if a woman repeatedly gives in to sex even when she doesn’t want it, she’ll just build up resentment and anger, which leads to lowered desire or arousal, or both.
