Wedding Blog
Tell me, hypothetically, if your fiance had a greater attachment than you to something that could possibly be part of your wedding, would you agree to it?
I ask because of our ceremony venue. Months ago it was booked at the hotel where we’re having our reception, but a deposit wasn’t made because it was just attached to our plan. Anyway, as I’m sure I’ve said before, Mr. Kiwi works in a Catholic school- the same one he went to from K-8. For various reasons, having a ceremony there was out of the question at the time of engagement. Now, it seems that a ceremony at the church may be possible.
Although my mother is Catholic, and my dad is Christian (both non-practicing), they wanted me to educate myself on various cultures and religions, and choose the one I felt I agreed with. After many years of attending different temples, churches and things like that, I was still unsure. All along, I think I had always imagined I’d let my husband be the deciding factor. We will raise our children per this decision/choice. And let me tell you- it’s a big decision. I am neither religious nor am I an atheist.
I think that if we end up marrying in the church, I’ll not only have a lot of learning to do, but a lot of studying as well. I don’t think it’s ever too late to find a faith - if you feel the need for one. I know a lot of people find it offensive for a non-Catholic to marry in a Catholic church. I’ve been told many reasons for this, one being the disrespect non-Catholics would “theoretically” show towards the Church. While I can understand the reasoning to a point, what if one member of the couple does participate in the church? Is it the same feeling? While I do love the look of pews and altars, I would never marry in a church just because of how pretty it is, as there are plenty of non-religious places that are just as beautiful.
If we marry in the church, it will be because I know that despite his previous indifference, it would mean something for Mr. Kiwi to be married in the church he grew up in. Should I need to, I will do whatever I can for Mr. Kiwi to have something that is meaningful for him. I also know getting married in the church will make him think of his father who passed away years ago. So it will be entirely Mr. Kiwi’s choice.
As a disclaimer, I am neither opposed nor for any specific religion. To each his/her own, I say. I would never disrespect any religion or faith for the ability to marry there. So, please don’t be offended at this post.
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Share this post: All For Mr. Kiwi
Although I’m not a practicing Catholic, I wanted to get married in a Catholic church. My fiance is agnostic and since he was indifferent with where the ceremony was gonna be. Since it means something to me, he’s willing to do it in the church.
But, my parents did get involved and wanted him to convert… that’s where some sticky situations occured. In the end, my fiance is willing to go through the whole Catholic process minus converting.
Lots of compromises during the wedding planning.
If there were something that were important to my FI that I really had no opposition to then I would do it. If I were opposed to it for some reason then we’d have some negotiating to do 
As for the whole religion question - I am also neither religious nor an atheist but I consider myself a spiritual person. I believe that there are valuable life lessons in every religion and that you can find comfort or guidence in your faith, I just do not agree with the authoritative dogma of it all. I don’t agree with the exclusion of others (be they gay or female or whatever) and I do not agree with the guilt aspect of certain religions. In my opinion everyone should be able to find their way to a relationship with God, or whatever higher power you worship, in their own way and in a way that works for them. Long story short - I believe that religion is a personal belief or decision that can not be put on you, either as an adult or a child. Take that for what it is worth and remember that these are just my opinions, I would certainly never devalue or think badly of anyone else’s view on religion and I would never intend to hurt or offend anyone with my comments.
On another note - my SIL is Catholic and teaches in the Catholic school system here and in order for her to continue teaching in that school system she HAD to be married in a Catholic church so that may be something that you want to check out.
I am Christian and he is Catholic, at this point we are both “non-practicing” so it didn’t really matter. However, the decision was made because of technicalities. We are having the wedding at my family’s church instead of his… why? Because in order for me to marry in a Catholic church I would have to be baptised Catholic or pay penance and he would have to talk to someone high [not the pope but someone up there] so that they could be sure that he knew what he was getting into marrying a “nonbeliever.” This is not for all churches as there are many who rent out their sanctuaries for non- Catholic weddings etc… But this was the case for us.
I think that’s very sweet of you Miss Kiwi. Although you should definitely look into any “requirements” the church might have. I’ve heard of different things like you have to cover your shoulders, they have to approve the music, whether or not you can have flower petals on the floor, whether or not they will marry someone who is non-catholic, etc. Good luck!
Ms. Kiwi
first let me say that everytime you post i am amazed at how many similarities we have. that being said, I’m sure you can guess what’s coming. I am from a background of a non practicing Catholic mother and a non demoninational christian father. I considor myself to be a multi faith person gathering parts of different beliefs to form my own. “The Church of Katherine” my fi always says. My fi is from a very devoted born again christian family and considors himself a Baptist. It was important for us to make both of our families comfortable at the wedding. So, we decided to get married outdoors (what is more beautiful than God’s own temple?), by a Nazarene minister, with references to God but not to Christ. I think this was a great decision for both of us, we feel good about it and so far, there haven’t been too many comments from the peanut gallery. Hope this is helpful. kb
mr. kiwi needs to first figure out whether he wants this and find out what requirements there are for you two to get married in the church. then you two can figure out whether you want to go through those requirements.
my family has been attending the same church for 30+ years. however, i will not be getting married there because fi is jewish. we COULD have been the first interfaith wedding there, but decided against it. i was very very sad, but we decided that it would cause too much controversy among the church members, and possible grief for my family.
If marrying in the church meant so much to my FI then I would definitely oblige if I didn’t have any reason to oppose it.
FI and I are both religious, though don’t practice as much as we would like or should. I am Catholic and he is Lutheran. For a long while I was set on getting married in a Catholic church and he was willing to do it, though he wouldn’t convert. We ended up deciding against it due to timing issues and the numerous requirements the church had. Instead we are getting married outside by a Christian officiant that we both know and are comfortable with.
Good luck!
Hey guys, thanks very much for all the input. As I hadn’t really thought about the details involved in marrying there (i.e. sleeves, petals and all that) we’re slightly lucky. Mr. Kiwi has been offered the church for our wedding, with them knowing full well that I am not Catholic. I think partly this is from pressure from the school board/patrons who have all watched Mr. Kiwi grow up there, and become one of the most beloved teachers there. Mr. Kiwi has told them that we will consider marrying there if we can do it our way- meaning some things left out and some things put in. Of course, we won’t know how this goes until tomorrow- our meeting with them. *sigh* I want Mr. Kiwi to be happy, and he said he’ll be just as happy if we get married in our church! We’ve gotten lucky by being with such a welcoming group, they all would love to see us marry there, which is why they’re helping us do a ceremony we’ll both be comfortable in!
Miss Kiwi,
I am confused..what do you mean you will have alot of learning to do if you marry in a church? Do you mean you would have to convert? As far as I know, you do not need to convert as long as one of you is Catholic to get married in a Catholic church. I am not Cathlic and Mr. Snow Pea is and we’re getting married in a Catholic church. The deacon marrying us and I had a talk. He said that he would rather marry us acknowledging that I am not Catholic than have me convert “just” to be married. That it’s something I really have to learn and believe in. I really respect him for telling me that and not putting any pressure what so ever. The only clause is that Mr. Snow Pea has to acknowledge that I am not Catholic and that he will be the one responsible to teach religion to our future children.
To answer your question, if Mr. Kiwi really wants it and you don’t care either way, then yeah go ahead and get married in the church. But if it means you have to convert and there is a question about how your future children should be raised, it would be a good idea to hold off just so you’re sure. I know from experience that .. what if you change your mind esp. if you’re already feeling torn or unsure. You’re not a mom yet and maybe when you become a mom, you might realize, wait I want my kids to learn this, not that. etc. Just something to chew on.
Hi Miss Snow Pea, no I’m not going to learn to convert, I’m not that shallow! I’d like to read up on it just so I can be educated in all the things happening during the ceremony. Thank goodness, converting isn’t a must, and as for our way way off children, I’m definitely going to read up on as may religions as possible- perhaps having them choose later as well! Thanks for the heads up, though.
miss kiwi, even though most people say they enjoy the diy and pic heavy posts the best (and i love them, too), i’ve come to appreciate and enjoy your posts the most of all the other bees. we all want a beautiful, unique and spectacular wedding, but the wedding only lasts one day. after that, you’re married. your posts tell me that you realize that it’s not about the perfect centerpieces or invitations, but making a lifetime committment to the one you love. i believe you and mr. kiwi will last, despite you lack of positive examples in your family marriages. you know what areas of your relationship may become problematic later on and are willing to address them before they get out of hand. you seem to have your head on straight and realize the most important part of any wedding is the resulting marriage. good luck with your decision!!
My FI was raised a Catholic as well and I in a multi-denominational household (think jewish, baha’i, unitarian…) While we’re not getting married in the Catholic church, we did consider it briefly. In Costa Rica they’re a bit more strict on the rules for a non Catholic marring a Catholic - in that I would have to convert and I would have to make promises that I’m notwillng to keep - and I’m just not into lying to anyone, let alone God. In the meantime though, we’ve been having really serious and good conversations about a faith for us as a couple and for our future children. He is pretty disallusioned by many of the Catholic church’s practices, but really likes the ritual and place it had in his early life and wants that for a child. If we did raise our children in the catholic faith, it would be among many other faiths as well and I’m pretty sure the priest wouldn’t be too happy with our kid and his/her questions during chatecism (sp?) as they’d be the one asking some pretty jarring questions….but then again, that was FI as a kid, asking the really tough questions and being shot down by priests and told he would burn for eternity. …
I’m a practicing Catholic and my FI, though baptized Catholic, is not religious at all (actually he considers himself atheist). For me it’s really important to be married in the Catholic church and he is totally ok with that - he actually comes to mass with me every week. I know he was nervous when we met with our priest last weekend but it went very well. As far as I know, I’ve never heard of any Catholics being offended at a Catholic marriage between a Catholic and non-catholic. My cousin got married in the church last year to a Lutheran, and another cousin is getting married this year to an Indian girl (they’re including both Catholic and Hindu services). I have not heard of anything like May mentioned where they just won’t allow a wedding with a non-Catholic.
My opinion as someone who is religious, is that if it’s important to Mr Kiwi and you don’t object, it would be really great of you to go along with it. I know my FI doesn’t understand all of my religious viewpoints but he knows they’re important to me, and respects that, and that means the world to me.
As far as learning - I think it’s great you want to read up on the ceremony, etc. If Mr Kiwi works in a Catholic school, he probably has access to a lot of references to share with you. I think one thing that helps my FI feel more comfortable is that I attend my university’s Newman center and it’s oriented towards young people - more laid back and welcoming. You mentioned that Mr Kiwi’s church seems pretty welcoming so I don’t think you’ll have many problems. A great way to learn is to attend mass together a few times - that way you get used to the types of prayers and rituals, although you don’t have to include a full mass for your ceremony. I think usually if one of the couple is not Catholic they don’t include communion in the ceremony.
Best of luck to you! Hope the meeting goes well!
Miss Kiwi,
I agree..I have been reading to learn and know what’s going on as well. I attend church with Mr. Snow Pea and his family and I just want to know what is going on and what everything means. Mr. SP doens’t know himself sometimes. That’s great to know I have another bride in the same boat to discuss with!
Just to clarify, I didn’t mean you would do anything shallow (I know you didn’t take offense). My meaning about converting and children was, I have seen many young women (I was part of a women’s support group) who got married and converted, thinking nothing of it. Then later in life and in their marriage, realized what a big role religion was going to play…either because they were very religious or that they weren’t and their husbands WERE. Suddenly it was a great source of tension and can lead to a schism in the entire family. It just wasn’t something they thought about or KNEW until they were in it knee deep.
I don’t think anyone should be offended by any post. This is the reality of things. It’s your current situation or any other bride who is in a different situation. I appreciate everyone’s input. When we discuss and hear different perspectives is when we learn.
Miss Kiwi - I spent last weekend at “Catholic camp” … our 8-hour group preparation session here in West LA, and over 60% of the couples were split couples … one was Catholic and the other was not. The priest that spoke touched on many of the rituals, and knowing his crowd, related the ceremony to its core significance in the Catholic faith and its similarities to other faiths. I’m not Catholic, but I’m very faithful and I truly appreciate the sanctity that a wedding church ceremony provides. Additionally, the paper I had to sign as a non-baptized gal said that I was aware that Mr. Lemon made a promise “to try his best” to raise his children within the laws of the church. I didn’t have to promise anything… Mr. Lemon had already stated his desire to have our children baptized Catholic, and let them decide on their own about their religious choices when they were older.
Thanks for all the input ladies. I think the one part that was daunting for me was really “raising our children in the Catholic way” it seemed so rumplestiltskin like- signing over our first born!
Still, I know it’s just something the church does to try to keep this process as serious as possible, and demand respect for the church and religion.
I really appreciate all the comments and viewpoints- and mee!!, thank you, really.
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Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
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