Dear Miss Violet…
March 20th, 2007 @ 12:10 pm by Mrs. Violet
Weddingbee Reader Didi asked, “i was browsing thru your blogs and came across one that mentioned you and mr. violet living together. i’m full fledged chinese and was wondering how you told your parents about you living with mr. violet?”
Didi, I’ll try my best to explain how I (sorta) did it. First off, my Chinese parents are very traditional - especially my mom who believed that I should only date after I finished college; stay thin so that I would be attractive and find the best man out there; live at home until I got married, and so on.
When I was younger, I had a 7pm curfew which I did try to stick with. I tried to be a good daughter by my standards, but I had to lie in order to appear like one. I lied about where I was, who I was with and what I was doing plenty of times. I used the library excuse very often. Although my childhood was very restrictive, I found ways around it. Then college came around, I got older and realized, “I’m tired of hiding” (although my Dad is quite strict too, he worked very late hours so he was not around enough to tell me what not to do).
At this point I met Mr. Violet. Once and for all, I decided that I wasn’t going to live behind lies anymore. I finally told my mom I had a boyfriend (I’d only dated a few times before, but this was the first that I announced it). After that I started staying over on weekends which she was not too happy about. There were many arguments that ensued for a few months. Then finally over Thanksgiving, something miraculous occurred.
One night Mr. Violet and I were at his place and my mom beeped me (back when pagers were popular). I called her back and we start arguing again. She forced me to give the phone to Mr. Violet so that she could talk to him directly. They talked for 2 hours! She yelled at him and threatened to call the police. He tried to calm her down and assured her that I was safe, that I was a grown woman and could make my own decisions. I was sitting in the background hysterically crying. It was one of the worst nights of my life. 2 hours later, Mr. Violet somehow managed to get my mom off the phone. And miraculously from that day forward, she accepted him. I was “allowed” to stay over on weekends. We never fought about it again.
Fast forward 6 years, and I practically moved in. Although my mom accepted Mr. Violet as my boyfriend, she still didn’t like the fact that I was over so much and now living with him. Even today she feels the need to hide from my extended family that I stay over (even though everyone knows). She thinks that she is helping me “save face” by lying to my family for me. It’s pretty ridiculous but hey whatever.
Didi, I don’t know what your situation is and I can only share my experience. I never thought of myself as a rebellious child. In fact, I think that I was a pretty good kid. I tried very hard to make my parents happy which is very typical of Chinese children. But, I’m also American, and as an American, I’ve learned to fight for what I believe in. It may not be the right thing to do, at least not according to my mom, I’ve already broken all the rules.. but it’s my life, and if I don’t live it the way I want to, no one else will.
Right now Mr. Violet and I still live with his sister, but we plan on moving out on our own in a couple of months before we get married, GASP! I reminded my mom this when she told me that she needed to buy a bed set for us (because it’s something that’s supposed to be given from mom to daughter?). So I said “Ok, but you’ll have to give it to me soon because we’re moving, remember?” That statement opened up an unnecessary can of worms for me. My mom had several unkind words about that. You would think that it wouldn’t matter by now, but apparently it still matters. So what am I to do? Nothing I do will make her happy, so I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and try not to argue with her about it. Eventually, time will pass, and hopefully we’ll all move on.
Note: I should also add that Mr. Violet has a good relationship with my parents, and they do believe that he will be a good husband for me despite all this.
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31 Responses to “Dear Miss Violet…”
I’m korean and my fiance is italian. His family accepted the idea right away that we were living together. In fact, I moved in 3 months into our relationship. With my parents however, we had to keep it a secret, and his parents understood too, but we all felt guilty about lying to my parents. A year later, my fiance and I decided to get a place of our own, and we all agreed that we’d only move if we talked to our parents. It didn’t matter to us if they disagreed or not, but we just wanted to be in the “loop.” So, all four of us sat down together over a nice fancy dinner. We brought out some wine… and my fiance very gently told them of our plans. It went very well. I was trembling, but my strong fiance took charge and talked to my dad man to man. I think my parents have respected him very much for being honest and upfront about it.
That is what I always suggest to other couples who are scared to tell their parents… the fiance should address the parents (as if he’s asking for her hand in marriage), so the parents feel confident he can care for you, and so they can also feel included in the relationship.
Miss Violet, would you mind if I added to this?
Miss Snow Pea - of course not, feel free!
Thanks everyone for sharing this. At least I know I’m not the only one out there! Chinese parents are so difficult! =(
Didi,
I am also full fledged Chinese with a very similar upbringing as Miss Violet just described. Actually my mom told me I couldn’t date until I was 30 years old. Why 30? That’s when I would be done with school. What school? MEDICAL school. So I couldn’t date until I was 30, a doctor, where I would also meet a Chinese doctor husband.
I accepted that as my fate. I lied (nothing bad) to get around. I joined lots of after school committees but then never attended meetings and hung out with my friends at Mc D’s instead. I had boyfriends, but they never called my house so my mom turned a blind eye to it.
The whole medical school/doctor thing got really out of hand. I wanted to be in Design..I chose Architectural Engineering so it would please both, as a technical field where I could still be successful and not “living on the street selling my paintings” as they put it. So I was told that if I wanted to chose “my own life” I would have to pay for it myself. That’s what I did.
So when it came time to having a real boyfriend (21 already), my mom had no say in it. I had already started my own life back there. It wasn’t because I wanted to rebel or wanted my own selfish pleasure over them. I just realized that if I did what they wanted, I would *always* be doing what they want and will continue to do so long after they are gone.
Mr. Snow Pea is the one boyfriend I actually introduced. He’s really my only serious one anyway. To my surprise, my mom wrapped her arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek! He’s not Chinese, he’s not a doctor, and I am not 30. She’s crazy about him. She cooks him special Chinese food of his own. We moved in together back in July. My mom had no problems with it. It was a done deal. We were good as married.
She’s proud of my career and that I attended a major university. However, she did say recently that she CAN’T get a roasted pig for the tea ceremony. Why? Because the roasted pig is just for virgins. Blehh! Go figure. And that she bought me a size small Cheongsam so I gotta lose the weight. Whatever..
We actually had a much harder time with Mr. Snow Pea’s parents who are Catholic. One of which we still haven’t quite faced and hope to sweep under the rug. I know they are upset but we made our decision and we have to face the consequences. So I guess the point of my story is. Like Miss Violet, there’s just no “easy answer” to it. But I think we can both agree that you have to decide what choices are for you and the best we can do to make things “smooth” is try to carry it out with the upmost respect. Parent’s aren’t wrong for wanting the “right” things for their children. Now I didn’t ask my mom for a bed. She’s just too conservative. She’s giving me money and I get whatever I want. That’s it!
Goodluck 
Miss SnowPea - great follow-up! Hey I asked my mom if I can have money instead, but she said no she has to give me something material.. Ah, you win some, you lose some!
Something material…haha My mom bought us an exhaust fan/fume hood for the kitchen. That’s as personal as she gets. That’s why I am so surprised she hugged and kissed Mr. Snow Pea. She still does. That’s so out of character.
I guess I was lucky to have a sibling who broke my parents in–being the second child, you have less expectations. On the other hand, the bad things about siblings is that they tell on you, so it was never a good idea to keep things from my parents. My parents are actually pretty nontraditional Chinese but they were overbearing when I was in my teens and even sometimes today, but I did not ever lie to them, that would be so weird. Instead we just had all out brawls about what I was doing and where I was and their overreactions would be pretty unpredictable. To ease the living together part, as I transitioned from living with my brother, I explained that it was easier for me to get to work this way, which was true, plus my brother hogs the kitchen, which is also true. My mom loves being practical, so that always works. I also appeal to her love of my safety and make sure that I explain how I am safe. Plus, it helps if other family members have done it and it works. Having a parent who is more understanding also makes it more acceptable–my dad pretty much okays things even if my mom initially uses him as an excuse. The only thing where my parents have put their foot down for the wedding is the invitations. They really could not accept my choice of celadon green with ivory lettering invitations because green invitations are bad luck, so I had to go with red and gold invitations. But as I have learned over the years, you have make concessions to them sometimes, and it leads to a better relationship if you are open about what you absolutely cannot live with.
Wow. Both my parents are Taiwanese. I stole birth control pills from my dad’s office in my teens, and I lived with my now-husband for five years before getting married. A backbone is a beautiful thing.
I would also add that it’s really important for you to acknowledge that you hear your parents’ point of view–you may not agree with it, but you need to show that you are trying your best to understand where they come from. The psychological literature does indicate that couples that live together before marriage tend to be less happy in the long run compared to couples that don’t. It’s unclear why this is the case; it’s possible that the transition to marriage is more difficult because expectations have already begun in a living together arrangement, or couples that live together are more likely to be nontraditional and thus are more willing to get divorced. That being said, it has not kept me from living with my boyfriend. But even if your parents cannot articulate this kind of knowledge, they always have reasons for why they don’t like something, and it’s important to validate that and show them how you are still being a “dutiful” daughter, whatever that means to them. In the end, I believe that parents do want to know about their children’s decisions, and if you are able to show them how you came to your decision logically and with careful consideration, most parents will be able to respect that. Furthermore, if you can show them how you still maintain their values, that will be even better.
thank you thank you thank you for writing this entry. i’m going through the same thing with my bf’s parents (plus some other issues). it’s given me strength and comfort to see other couples toughing through the same situations. =)
Miss Violet and Miss Snow Pea - Thank you so much! I’ve lied to my parents about living with my FI for the past 3 yrs and I’ve finally reached the point that I would just like to come out and tell them the truth. I dread that moment…DREAD.
They will definitely see it as “inapproprite” and will feel that it is shameful me to be living with him before marriage (this is also a relationship they don’t fully approve of - race issue unfortunately). I’m sure even if they got used to the idea they will be ashamed to let other family members know.
I’m so glad to see that it is possible for Asian parents to come around to the idea (if not willingly). Still I’m terrified! Thank you again for sharing such a delicate situation so openly — that really meant a lot!
Didi - I was wondering when I’d see your reply! We love our parents that’s for sure, but we don’t always agree with them. It’s tough finding the balance but hey, you have one life to live it out, so go for it… There are many of us who’ve been in the same boat. Best of luck girl!
I also wanted to add that I thought about your question for a while before answering it. It is a very delicate situation - one in which have bothered me many times before but I’m really glad I opened up and shared it with you and everyone else. It feels good to vent it out and even better knowing that I’ve overcame it.
Hope the best for you and your sticky situation!
My fiance’s parents moved in together in the 1960’s before getting married and were essentially forced into getting married by my future father-in-law’s parents. They wouldn’t drive by their house (even though it was the most logical and easy route to their house) to avoid having to think about their son shaking up with a woman before marriage. Needless to say, they got married (which was in their plans anyway) fairly early on in their relationship. Total shotgun ceremony in that it was put together in about 2 months and held in her parent’s basement.
Years later when my FI told them that we were moving in together, they literally put their hands up in celebration. They loved (and still do) me and were terribly excited that we were making that kind of comitment. I should mention they were raised Catholic and raised my FI as a Catholic (although he’s no longer practicing). So I guess I’ve had it really lucky.
With my parents, I had an older sister who broke them in. When she moved in with her boyfriend, now husband, she didn’t really tell my parents. When they wanted to come up and visit her, they said - well we’ll just stay in your apartment. To which she said - ummm, how bout you get a hotel, I live with Jeff. There was dead silence for a while and then my dad said - I guess we’ll get a hotel then. (not that this has stopped them from staying with my FI and I whenver they come to visit us!)
I am really thankful that I’ve had such an accepting family and I wish I knew what to say to help you gals out who are struggling with this. Stick to your guns, know your own heart and try to see the sentiment behind what your parents are saying/doing. Often my mom says things that are hurtful on the surface, but when I think about them I realize that they’re said out of her desire for what she thinks is best for me (mind you - what SHE thinks is best for me, not what I think might be best for me). So I try to hear the love behind the hurt and that helps me not argue back and to just listen to what she has to say and calmly and firmly and lovingly reply that I appreciate that sentiment, but I’m sticking to my guns on this one. It helps to have some things that you’re flexible about and can concede on. . . . Good luck everyone!
Thank you all very much! Especially Miss Violet - Asian parents are tough cookies for sure!
My moment of truth will be coming up in a few months when I transfer back to my hometown (I’ve been out-of-state for the past 19mo and finally got my transfer). My FI is also from my hometown and this will be the 1st time we’ll be living together after graduating from college (it was easier to lie while in college). We’re looking for an apartment for me that he will eventually move into and I plan to tell my parents before he moves in. Thanks again for your inspiration!
How can anybody hide it for so long? I am surprised that parents are not able to find out. They don’t visit?
My mom’s really open about this, so is my bf’s parents. We stayed in the same room when visiting his parents. And my bf stays over when my mom’s in town visiting me as well. Now we are buying a house together and parents on both sides have no problems with it at all.
My parents aren’t budging. my fiance’s parents are past the stage of telling him what to do, but i think my dad would have a heart attack if he found out i ever slept over my fiance’s place.
despite that we’ve been together over 3 years and despite that we’re going to get married, they won’t even let me move in with him until the day after we get married. I’m still working on convincing them that it’ll be easier to do it a few months before when i have time (not during my rotations)
My parents are strict Catholics but are libral (does that make sense). they really like my fi but doesn’t think it’s proper for a girl and boy to sleep together before marriage, let alone live together. *gasp* what will people at church think??!!
so my fi and I have to bear it while i drive back home to my parents every night from my fi’s apt. (i have my dad’s midnight curfew)
it’s hard but then i think about how i only have less than a year with my family.
like my mom says, “you’re going to spend every freakin hour with him for the rest of your life, can’t you just wait one year?”
haha, so i guess i am.
well we were able to hide it becuase we met in college and i was living in apts near the campus. I had a roommate and she also had a bf and even though the apt was technically btw the 2 of us, our bfs were ALWAYS there. we had a nice little family btw the 4 of us
So whenever my parents visited and saw “boy things” they just assumed with was the roommate’s bf’s things. My roommate was not asian so my parents never said anything about her bf basically living there. Plus knowing that the apt was shared btw my roommate and i, my parents kept visits rather short and infrequent.
I went to college practically in the same city so I saw my parents all the time at my childhood home - eliminating their need to come all the way downtown to visit me.
now that i make enough $$ to afford living on my own, i think visits from the parents may be quite frequent and unannounced (eek). i’m also tired of the hiding and would just like to come clean.
i CANNOT believe this post and the responses! it’s like seeing a unicorn! asian parents “letting” their daughter live with a boy? unreal!
fi and i live in the same city and we do not live together. when i moved out here, the first thing my parents asked was, “are you going to move in with him?” i told them i would not (but only because their heads would explode). they were stressed enough about me moving far away, and we actually didn’t want to live together, so it was fine with them.
but when my parents came to town to visit after we got engaged, my dad really Really REALLY wanted to see fi’s apartment to see if it would be acceptable for me to live there. whatever you want, dude!
Before my parents got married, my mom was in college and my dad was living accross the street from the gates of her college - literally. When my maternal grandparents came to visit, they wanted to see my dad’s apartment and they did while he was out at his job. He came to find his future mother in law on her hand and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor - he was mortified and since, has been a really good housekeeper!
He came *home* to find her on her hands and knees, sorry, typo!
hahah to hm’s comment.
i think we must all try to remember that asian parents are a different breed when it comes to this stuff. there are varying degrees, but most parents who immigrated here in their adulthood will not like the idea of their daughter shaking up with a man before they are married.
for me, it wasnt about standing up to them or having backbone. it was about respecting their wishes and compromising mixed in with a bit of lying and them turning a blind eye. ahahh.
they didnt want me to live with husband before we got married, so i didnt technically live with him (respecting their wishes).
but i was actually living with him for about 2 years before we even got engaged. i just had my own place where i never slept (lying).
i’m pretty sure my mom knew about it but she didnt say anything. (turning a blind eye).
finally, after we got engaged - my lease on my apt ran out and i said i would move in with my fiance. they both agreed it was OK because i was engaged and they didnt want me to spend another 6K on rent for 6 months, especially right before the wedding when we needed to save money. (compromise)
it all turned out OK - but yes, i did lie for many years. it was just easier to lie because until i got engaged, i always had my own place. it was a complete waste of money but at the same time it was better that way for everyone.
one suggestion didi - if you can, try to phrase it as, “i’m GOING to move in with him” not “i’m ALREADY living with him.” it might help the transition.
My Chinese/Taiwanese parents have always been fairly open, since really they’re too busy to keep a strict eye on me and my sister; in turn, we kept our noses clean — no sex, no drugs, especially since my mother had informants everywhere anyway. It was really hard for them when I moved to New York, so FI’s appearance was a mixed blessing for them.
When FI moved back to NYC for me, my parents knew it was likely we would move in together, given the cost of rent, but withheld their disapproval — until AFTER we signed the lease! If they had made their opposition clearer before, we actually would have tried to accommodate them. That led to some very tense weeks that finally ended with FI’s agreement to propose sometime before the end of the year, which he did. And he wisely took up the recommendation to call my dad before popping the question. They’re glad he’s here since I often work late, and they like him well enough. The ring really went a long way to ease any “shame factor” for them, though.
I am rather amused by all the commenters’ wanting to “respect their parents’ wishes.” And then what do they do? They all lie to their parents! Ha! Well, what do I know? I’m a sucky daughter who lived in sin in the open.
my family is catholic and filipino, and my parents would be very sad and disappointed if they knew FI and i are living together. my parents don’t live in new york, and the last time they came to visit, my mother said to me, “dont break your father’s heart and move in together”…gasp!! so we did not live together for awhile…at least not until we got engaged and his lease ran out…my parents don’t know, and it is something i am keeping to myself. it is easier for me tho coz my parents live in another country. however, when they come a month before the wedding and stay with me, FI is going to have to move out and live with a friend!!!
Thank you so much for posting this, Miss Violet and to everyone so far who added their own stories. It is such great cultural insight and I am learning a lot.
My parents are Chinese and I understand where my mother is coming from about being strict at most times. My Mother do not want to see me getting hurt and easily manipulated. I know she loves me and she wants to protect from harm, however I told her that she should give me a chance to grow up on my own. I made many mistakes and I learned from it, and that’s how I became a stronger woman.
After I have my own daughter I really understand where she’s coming from. Being strict is one thing, but there are times as a parents we should also understand where your kids all coming from. It’s hard to see and envision my daughter when she is going to start dating and so fort. As a mother I will become jealous and I will nag on her as well.
I have to chime in with my story as well! My boyfriend and I went through many hurdles to get to where we are! It started when we started dating - I didn’t tell my parents initially because I didn’t know how to bring it up - we’re not a talking family. After they found out, it got to the point where they were against it because he wasn’t Chinese. They worried that he wasn’t a good person or etc. I begged and begged them just to GET TO KNOW HIM. I told them, that’s all I asked of them. Get to know him FIRST, then make a decision.
It took a few years, but they finally did accept him, and treat him (almost) like a part of the family. Now, it came to the point where he was going to move to San Diego, and I was planning on moving too, after graduation. Moving AWAY NOT for college, AND moving in with my boyfriend?!! Scary! My friends always ask me how I did it, but for me, it was the method of breaking them into the idea. I had a whole half year before I moved, so initially, I told them “Hey, I plan on moving to San DIego” Of course, they had objections, but they knew I had made up my mind. THe objections got less and less as the time got closer. Soon they would ask what the living situation was like, and I told them. I let them sit on the idea, and I don’t know if they just accepted because they knew I already mad eup my mind, or what. I’m the rebellious one my brother was the saint. I’m a photographer, my brother’s a computer programmer. I’m glad to see now though, my parents boast that I have my own photography business in San Diego though, whenever I go home.
My DF’s parents (who have been trying to break us up since day 1) nagged about us living together — so I bought the apartment right next door.
We needed more space anyway and it was an awesome investment and way easier than moving to a bigger apartment in another building. This twist completely infuriated them. (What is the chance of buying the apartment right next door!? That it would be available at all, the timing, the price, the location?). Their ultimatum (”we’ll think about accepting this relationship if you aren’t living together so we know you are respectable”) completely backfired. Obviously, the unspoken sub-plot of their ultimatum was that I would be moving across town, out-of-sight, out-of-mind from their DS, enjoying my independence and forgetting about DS who would now be free to meet and entertain other women — daughters of their dear friends of their nationality/race — they sent over. But instead it proved I was financially stable & independent, a real catch, and that we were so committed that, YES, we were going to invest in side-by-side apartments. Talk about marrying the girl next door.
I’m usually so uber-nice and sweet, but I hope they felt just a little bit outsmarted because they have been nothing but mean to me.
Mrs. Violet, New York
Age and Occupation: 27, Executive Assistant
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Computer Engineer
Engagement Date: May 13, 2006
Wedding Date: September 2007
Venue: Westbury Manor
About Me: We've been dating since college. In our spare time we enjoy the city life, playing with our dog "Sam", eating our hearts out, and traveling. I also love to DIY. Check out my crafty creations at http://www.waisze.etsy.com.
Although I dont live with my FI, I am somewhat on the same boat. Growing up through h.s. and college, I lied to my parents about where I was, but it wasn’t that I wanted to lie, and it wasn’t that i didnt feel guilty about it, but I didnt really have a choice. I lied because I didnt want them to worry. I told them I was taking night classes just so i could stay out til 10. I told them I was at the library as well. Because if they knew I was out w/ friends, or even worse - a boyfriend, they will worry - worry if we might drink, worry if he might take advantage of me, worry if im with the wrong crowd, etc. Even now that they know I am engaged, they still worry if Ive really found the one for me to spend the rest of my life with, they worry what if we get divorced years down the line, etc. And all this still after they have learned to love hiim. It is had to impress typical Chinese parents, soemtimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Sometimes when I feel super guilty, I remind myself that they were young once, and im sure theyve gone through the same thing before with their parents…my mom even told me that my grandma beat her when my grandma found a boys picture in her bookbag - she lied to my grandma about goign out with him as well. so that makes you question why they are still so strict if they didnt like how strict their parents were to them. i answer by sayiing that people learn how to parent from their own parents…years down the road when we have teenagers - we will question their every move as well - even if we vow right now by saying we refuse to be as strict as our parents. we obviously know how we were capable of lying to ours, and know what our kids will be capable of the same. chinese parents can be very stubborn, sometimes i dont even want to bother talking to them about somethign because it will just lead to a big argument. but only you know ur parents best, if you think it is worth the talk, give it a try. good luck.