Weddingbee Blog

Although my parents split up a year ago (after 30-something years), I don’t see why it would be bad to include your dad. Did you just not have a good relationship with him?

My parents are both very included in my wedding, and despite a few awkward holidays in the past year, they act as adults when together. It wouldn’t feel right to not have my dad give me away or make a toast.

I am so glad you wrote this. I am giong through something quite similar as well. My parents divorced when I was very young and bascially I was raised by my dad and his side of the family. And my mom wasn’t a big part of my life growing up. And when I was old enough to be away from my house I built a strong relationship with my mom. My parents are both remarried but they still talk and have a good relationship but their spouses dont really like the fact that they would talk so they talk “secretly”. So I always knew that on my wedding day it would be a hard thing to face. So when I first got engaged I tried to avoid it all together. But with the wedding coming up in less than a month it’s something that I had to face.

I spoke with my mom about it alot and I let her make the decision. Both my parents got together and decided that it would be best if she didnt come. They don’t want drama on my wedding day. So I wont have my mom there, which is hard for me to deal with also. I feel your pain. Just keep your head up and enjoy your day. I plan on going out to a nice dinner with my “new” husband and my mom and stepdad after the wedding to celebrate as well.

my parents divorced recently after 30 years of marriage as well. i’ve talked to him once or twice since the divorce and the wedding was actually the first time i had seen him in a long, long time. there were many bitter feelings on my and my mother’s side, obviously. however, we invited him, had him walk me down the aisle, he gave a toast and we did a first dance. for one day, we were able to forget about all the bitterness and sadness that happened as a result of the divorce and EVERYONE had a lovely, lovely and memorable time. to just “forget about it” for one day may seem really dumb, but it worked out well for us. he is, after all, my father and i have mostly fond memories of my time with him. and i also didnt want to make a statement that things were awry in front of all of our guests…. for our group in particular, it would’ve made things more awkward. hope this helps!

miss apple -

it certainly sounds like you have your reasons for not wanting your father to participate in your wedding day. i think that’s very sad and unfortunate, but much respect to you for being upfront with your father, and to your father for being so supportive and understanding.

my cousin was married a couple of years ago. her parents were divorced when she was a toddler, and he was essentially raised by her mom and stepdad. her father (my uncle) remained in her life, but they were never close. (i am actually very close to my uncle and his new family.)

my uncle paid for a significant portion of the wedding, and his kids (half-siblings of the bride) were the flower girl and ring bearer. i think that my uncle assumed that he would be given the honor of walking his daughter down the aisle and other dad duties (or at least, sharing that honor with her stepdad). however, the bride never told her father what her plans were. he tried talking to her about it many many times, but she always avoided the topic and eventually started avoiding his calls.

my cousin chose to have her STEPdad walk her down the aisle, dance with her during the father-daughter dance, and give the heartfelt speech. my uncle was blind-sided and embarassed. the wounded look on his face that night nearly had me in tears.

so, however you choose to include (or not include) your dad in your wedding, i think the most important thing is that everyone knows the plan and is on the same page. sounds like you’ve got that covered.

good luck =)

that’s really sad. my parents are divorced but for my big day, both my parents will definatly take part. My father’s remarried with a new wife and when put together, the three of them get along just fine. It would devaste me to have to eliminate some of the wedding traditions especially when it comes to my parents. I think that in your situation, no matter the differences, they should be able to find some common ground and at least try their best for that one big moment of your life. I feel that all parents look forward to the day they have to give their child away and to miss that would hurt them. Maybe your dad’s just telling you what he wants you to hear because you’ve told him how you felt and he knows it’s your big day and doesn’t want you to stress out even more. either way, it is yours and your family’s decision.

Argh, that sounds like it was a really tough decision to make. My parents split up when my sister and I were in high school. It was very messy and painful. However, I don’t have to worry about the divorce politics at my wedding, because, unfortunately, my father passed away last year. You say in your post that it sometimes still brings tears to your eyes to think about how you’re excluding your father. Obviously, I don’t know your situation, but you *do* say that you’ve all worked it out and moved on now. Please think about why you’re crying…I would give anything to have both my mom and dad walk me down the aisle or to hear a silly speech from my dad at my wedding. I’m not writing this to make you feel bad about your choice; I just think it would be heartbreaking to look back on your wedding day with regrets.

I totally respect you for posting this. My parents have been divorced for 12 years, and my dad lives in Asia. For legal reasons, he cannot travel to the US (most people aren’t privy to this information). We had a relationship for awhile after my parents split up (I haven’t seen him since the divorce), and then became estranged for about five years. We reconnected over phone/email about a year ago and have slowly begun to reestablish ties.

My wedding has been hard for me, because there will be no dad (nor a male relative, really) to give the toast, dance with, or walk me down the aisle. My father has also asked that I invite some of his side of the family to the wedding (I am close with them in varying degrees), which is awkward for me to think about trying to explain to people thinking, “Why is her dad’s family here but not her dad?” Sigh.

Wow, this is so common these days! I’m not the only one. My parents are in the middle of an ugly divorce. My father lies all of the time (to me and my siblings) especially about the woman he had an affair with who is now his fiancee. He is currently trying to do a lot of unfortunate things to my mother in the divorce proceedings and has shown himself to be a very untrustworthy and despicable person. I’m not planning to invite my father to the wedding, which is sad because I used to have a relationship with him, but now being in his presence is so painful — and he’s never going to change his behavior. He apparently thinks affairs and lying to your spouse and children are acceptable and that he’s done nothing wrong.

I feel strange not inviting him to the wedding but I would feel worse having him there! I certainly don’t condone his behavior and having him there would be validation he doesn’t deserve. I guess as they say, you cannot control someone else’s choices — you can only control your own.

We’ll see if he invites me to his wedding, which will be before mine.

I’m glad to hear I’m not alone about these tricky situations! Most of the time, I’m good at dealing with my family drama, but a wedding is the one time I wish my family was more normal!

Those of you with happy or complacent parents are really lucky.

I raise a virtual glass to all of us out there who will have better marriages than our own parents did. Our children will be thankful.

my parents divorced bitterly when i was 6 and they still can’t be together in the same room to this day! im glad this was brought up because i really do not want to include my dad in my wedding whenever that happens…his new wife is such a witch too (but thats another story). ive decided though that as much as possible im not going to ask for any monetary help from either of my parents so that i can invite who i want too to MY wedding.

I can’t say how it feels to hear that other people are going through the same think as me.

My fiance has perfect parents and though he tries. can’t understand how it breaks my heart that my parents won’t be together at my wedding.

None of my friends are in this situation so it’s hard to voice my anxiety without getting a “i’m sure it will be fine - it’s your day”. It’s my biggest fear that my mom will be off crying somewhere while my dad is dancing with his new wife.

it’s been a huge weight on my mind throughout the planning. good luck to everyone and thanks for your words of encouragement.