Weddingbee
I am a product of divorced parents. I think my situation is a little unusual because they just recently (5 years ago) divorced after over 40 years of marriage. For a few years it was rough for both sides but we managed to work it out and have since moved on. I think they’re much happier now. Since it was an arranged marriage, I guess they felt somewhat pushed to love one another. Mr. Apple and I both agree that an unhappy marriage should never stay together for the sake of children.
My question is how have you managed to work your wedding magic by including both of them on your special day?
I have decided to not include my father in the wedding. I won’t have a father/daughter dance, he won’t be walking me down the aisle and giving me away, and there will be no sentimental speeches from him. At first it would bring tears to my eyes (sometimes it still does), but I knew some sacrifices needed to be made somewhere. As hard as it is, I think it’s best since I’ve already spoken to him on a few occasions about this, and he agrees that it would be too awkward for everyone. He says he would love to take Mr. Apple and I out for a nice intimiate dinner to celebrate. 
With the the unfortunate high divorce rate, I know lots of brides are going through a similar situation. How are you coping?
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Although my parents split up a year ago (after 30-something years), I don’t see why it would be bad to include your dad. Did you just not have a good relationship with him?
My parents are both very included in my wedding, and despite a few awkward holidays in the past year, they act as adults when together. It wouldn’t feel right to not have my dad give me away or make a toast.
Ok this is so sad. My parent were divorced when I was really young so they got over those bad feelings towards each other years ago (thank goodness!!!) Both of my parents will be doing there normal roles. Since you really didnt say much to why your are not including him I am sure it is a deeply emotional reason so good for you for making the choice that is right for you now. But do you think you will regret it? Good luck!
I am so glad you wrote this. I am giong through something quite similar as well. My parents divorced when I was very young and bascially I was raised by my dad and his side of the family. And my mom wasn’t a big part of my life growing up. And when I was old enough to be away from my house I built a strong relationship with my mom. My parents are both remarried but they still talk and have a good relationship but their spouses dont really like the fact that they would talk so they talk “secretly”. So I always knew that on my wedding day it would be a hard thing to face. So when I first got engaged I tried to avoid it all together. But with the wedding coming up in less than a month it’s something that I had to face.
I spoke with my mom about it alot and I let her make the decision. Both my parents got together and decided that it would be best if she didnt come. They don’t want drama on my wedding day. So I wont have my mom there, which is hard for me to deal with also. I feel your pain. Just keep your head up and enjoy your day. I plan on going out to a nice dinner with my “new” husband and my mom and stepdad after the wedding to celebrate as well.
thats so sad. is there any way they can work out their differences out just for that one day?
i dont know the nature of your situation, so i can’t really say… but i know for me, it would be important to have both my parents there as they both had a hand in raising me… as screwed up and dramatic as they both can be.
my parents divorced recently after 30 years of marriage as well. i’ve talked to him once or twice since the divorce and the wedding was actually the first time i had seen him in a long, long time. there were many bitter feelings on my and my mother’s side, obviously. however, we invited him, had him walk me down the aisle, he gave a toast and we did a first dance. for one day, we were able to forget about all the bitterness and sadness that happened as a result of the divorce and EVERYONE had a lovely, lovely and memorable time. to just “forget about it” for one day may seem really dumb, but it worked out well for us. he is, after all, my father and i have mostly fond memories of my time with him. and i also didnt want to make a statement that things were awry in front of all of our guests…. for our group in particular, it would’ve made things more awkward. hope this helps!
I just got married about 4 months ago and my dad wasn’t included in the wedding. My parents were divorced over 20 years ago so it would seem there would be no hard feelings. There isn’t. They’re friends still and their relationship is pleasant. But it’s awkward for my mom to face her church friends (where divorce is a gray topic rarely discussed) at the wedding. So we decided it was best to eliminate any drama. I also did not want my husband’s parents askng a million questions. They’ve never met my dad. I grew up in a small community and gossip is rampant so my mom and I decided it was best to leave him out of it. On a side note, my sis called him after I made the decision not to include him, and my dad said he wouln’t come anyway all for the same reasons I mentioned. It would be difficult for him to face everyone and be stared at by everyone since no one has met him before.
My mom walked me down the aisle and she cried all the way. It was a sad moment but I was happy that she got to do it since she raised me without my dad’s help.
miss apple -
it certainly sounds like you have your reasons for not wanting your father to participate in your wedding day. i think that’s very sad and unfortunate, but much respect to you for being upfront with your father, and to your father for being so supportive and understanding.
my cousin was married a couple of years ago. her parents were divorced when she was a toddler, and he was essentially raised by her mom and stepdad. her father (my uncle) remained in her life, but they were never close. (i am actually very close to my uncle and his new family.)
my uncle paid for a significant portion of the wedding, and his kids (half-siblings of the bride) were the flower girl and ring bearer. i think that my uncle assumed that he would be given the honor of walking his daughter down the aisle and other dad duties (or at least, sharing that honor with her stepdad). however, the bride never told her father what her plans were. he tried talking to her about it many many times, but she always avoided the topic and eventually started avoiding his calls.
my cousin chose to have her STEPdad walk her down the aisle, dance with her during the father-daughter dance, and give the heartfelt speech. my uncle was blind-sided and embarassed. the wounded look on his face that night nearly had me in tears.
so, however you choose to include (or not include) your dad in your wedding, i think the most important thing is that everyone knows the plan and is on the same page. sounds like you’ve got that covered.
good luck =)
Wow, this is so hard and something I have struggled myself with. My parents also divorced 5 years ago after thirty years of marriage. My Dad has since married the woman he was having an affair with. My Mom and I are extremely close, and I was worried that having him there and doing the special things like walking me down the aisle and the toast would be somehow disloyal to her, since she was the one who was always there for me growing up when my Dad was out running around and she is also the one paying for most of the wedding costs. Thankfully, my Mom is more forgiving of his actions than I will ever be.
No matter how much respect I have lost for my father, he is still my Dad and I know he loves me more than anything. So I have also decided to go the route of pretending for just that one day that he is the still the man I thought he was when I was Daddy’s little girl and didn’t know of the double life he led. He and my Mom will both walk me down the aisle, they will each say a part of the welcome and toast, I will dance with my father, and I will do a special toast to my mother about how much she means to me, for she is truly my best friend, and I will give her my bouquet.
My parents act very well together in public and we went through a mini version of this when I graduated from law school last year when they both gave a toast at a party that was held in my honor. For me and my family, this is what works best and I know this way I will have no regrets later on in life about a wedding where one of my parents was missing. Plus, I have an older Dad and I don’t know how many more years I will have with him anyway.
As a side note, I have no relationship with the woman he married. I refuse to speak to her or acknowledge her existence. She is not invited and my Dad is fine with that. He says she would not want to come where she knows she is not wanted. It helps that my father’s family has remained very close with my mother, as most bystanders would probably think she was the one they were related to. I just think you have to make the best decision that works for you and your family because each situation is different.
Growing up I never thought I would be dealing with this because my parents seemed on the outside to have the perfect marriage and they didn’t divorce until I, the youngest child, had gone off to college, so I understand your pain in dealing with a newly (relatively) broken family at this important and special time in your life. I wish you the best with your decision. I agree with flip flop girl that the most important thing is having everyone on the same page beforehand about the decison you made.
that’s really sad. my parents are divorced but for my big day, both my parents will definatly take part. My father’s remarried with a new wife and when put together, the three of them get along just fine. It would devaste me to have to eliminate some of the wedding traditions especially when it comes to my parents. I think that in your situation, no matter the differences, they should be able to find some common ground and at least try their best for that one big moment of your life. I feel that all parents look forward to the day they have to give their child away and to miss that would hurt them. Maybe your dad’s just telling you what he wants you to hear because you’ve told him how you felt and he knows it’s your big day and doesn’t want you to stress out even more. either way, it is yours and your family’s decision.
I’m having to deal with this on my FI’s side of the family. We both come from divorced families, however, my mom is still close to my dad’s side of the family and she would not be upset if he came to the wedding. My FI’s father is remarried and his mom has a boyfriend. His father has told us that he will not be attending the wedding if his mother is there. He thinks it is insulting to his new wife to be there with his ex wife. *pshh* I wish they could put all things aside for just one day. oh well!
Argh, that sounds like it was a really tough decision to make. My parents split up when my sister and I were in high school. It was very messy and painful. However, I don’t have to worry about the divorce politics at my wedding, because, unfortunately, my father passed away last year. You say in your post that it sometimes still brings tears to your eyes to think about how you’re excluding your father. Obviously, I don’t know your situation, but you *do* say that you’ve all worked it out and moved on now. Please think about why you’re crying…I would give anything to have both my mom and dad walk me down the aisle or to hear a silly speech from my dad at my wedding. I’m not writing this to make you feel bad about your choice; I just think it would be heartbreaking to look back on your wedding day with regrets.
MJW—everything you wrote i could’ve written! that is the story of my family’s life the past couple of years! seriously, every detail is identical.
I totally respect you for posting this. My parents have been divorced for 12 years, and my dad lives in Asia. For legal reasons, he cannot travel to the US (most people aren’t privy to this information). We had a relationship for awhile after my parents split up (I haven’t seen him since the divorce), and then became estranged for about five years. We reconnected over phone/email about a year ago and have slowly begun to reestablish ties.
My wedding has been hard for me, because there will be no dad (nor a male relative, really) to give the toast, dance with, or walk me down the aisle. My father has also asked that I invite some of his side of the family to the wedding (I am close with them in varying degrees), which is awkward for me to think about trying to explain to people thinking, “Why is her dad’s family here but not her dad?” Sigh.
My situation was pretty different. My parents were never married, and they haven’t been together since I was a very little baby. In fact my dad & stepmom have been together since then. Things are still awkward between my mom and dad, although not in a mean-spirited way. I usually only saw my dad once a year growing up, so I wasn’t particularly close to him, although we’ve gotten closer as I’ve gotten older. DH’s parents are divorced and remarried, but they all get along pretty well. For our wedding we had all the parents walk in with their spouses, my brother escorted my unmarried mom, and then he walked back and met me at the bottom of a staircase and escorted me. My dad didn’t give a speech, but we did dance, although we had a combined parent dance w/ DH and his mom.
Wow, this is so common these days! I’m not the only one. My parents are in the middle of an ugly divorce. My father lies all of the time (to me and my siblings) especially about the woman he had an affair with who is now his fiancee. He is currently trying to do a lot of unfortunate things to my mother in the divorce proceedings and has shown himself to be a very untrustworthy and despicable person. I’m not planning to invite my father to the wedding, which is sad because I used to have a relationship with him, but now being in his presence is so painful — and he’s never going to change his behavior. He apparently thinks affairs and lying to your spouse and children are acceptable and that he’s done nothing wrong.
I feel strange not inviting him to the wedding but I would feel worse having him there! I certainly don’t condone his behavior and having him there would be validation he doesn’t deserve. I guess as they say, you cannot control someone else’s choices — you can only control your own.
We’ll see if he invites me to his wedding, which will be before mine.
I’m glad to hear I’m not alone about these tricky situations! Most of the time, I’m good at dealing with my family drama, but a wedding is the one time I wish my family was more normal!
Those of you with happy or complacent parents are really lucky.
I raise a virtual glass to all of us out there who will have better marriages than our own parents did. Our children will be thankful.
Whew–what a difficult subject–I have divorced parents and my biggest worry for my wedding day is one of them saying something to offend/upset the other. They are very civil to each other–and my mom gets along well with my dad’s girlfriend (when they have to), but I am still worried about it. Everyone says “don’t worry–what do you think will happen–everyone here is an adult and we’ll handle things”. Both of my parents have assured me that they’ll be great to each other but I still worry. I guess I have to just let this one go–there’s nothing I can do about it but man, aside from everything esle I have to worry about–it’s a huge weight on my shoulders.
my parents divorced bitterly when i was 6 and they still can’t be together in the same room to this day! im glad this was brought up because i really do not want to include my dad in my wedding whenever that happens…his new wife is such a witch too (but thats another story). ive decided though that as much as possible im not going to ask for any monetary help from either of my parents so that i can invite who i want too to MY wedding.
Thanks everyone for your comments and family momma drama. I totally understand and can relate to most all of you. -)
Every family is different - we deal with it our own way. This is my reality and so i have to accept it as it comes.
Divorce is tough for everyone involved. Myself, mom, dad, and sister have all moved on with our lives but not necessarily together with my dad. I am the only one who keeps in contact with him. I know he loves me and I know he wishes the best for me and Mr. Apple. He’s not the typical openly affectionate, bear hugs type of father. He’s more the strict disciplinarian, quiet, and reserved one. I know he cares and really that is all that matters to me.
Yes, it would be lovely if he were there to give me away to Mr. Apple but I have to accept this reality. I’ve asked him several times if he would like to be at the wedding but he’s kindly declined because it’s awkward for everyone. My parents have not seen nor spoken to one another since the divorce and it would be terribly uncomfortable at the wedding.
Reading everyones comments was great. I too am glad i’m not the only one going through this. =)
I can’t say how it feels to hear that other people are going through the same think as me.
My fiance has perfect parents and though he tries. can’t understand how it breaks my heart that my parents won’t be together at my wedding.
None of my friends are in this situation so it’s hard to voice my anxiety without getting a “i’m sure it will be fine - it’s your day”. It’s my biggest fear that my mom will be off crying somewhere while my dad is dancing with his new wife.
it’s been a huge weight on my mind throughout the planning. good luck to everyone and thanks for your words of encouragement.
ca girl, my sentiments exactly. NONE of my frends understood so I just kept it bottled up between me and DH before the wedding. my biggest fear was that there would be some dramatic fight or something between my parents… but everyone behaved and had a great time in the end. Like I said above, for one day, everybody just kind of forgot the pain. And, of course, my dad did not bring his new mistress…which helped!
[...] There are many times I still don’t really understand why couple divorced… [...]
Miss Apple, thank you for writing this post! It is so nice to be reminded that there are others that are going through something so similar! None of the weddings I have been involved divorced parents and almost none of my friends have divorced parents, so I’ve felt kind of alone. I just told my dad yesterday that even though I am now an adult, it’s still hard to have divorced parents. It’s been a little bit tricky planning the wedding when my parents haven’t seen or spoken to each other in 6+ yrs with the exception of my college graduation and recently my grandfather’s funeral. Add that to including my dad’s wife somehow and all the bitterness that remains of my parents’ relationship (although they’ve been divorced for almost 20 yrs) and it makes for an interesting time. I’m sure (hoping?) that everyone is mature enough to put any harsh feelings aside for one day.
Miss Apple, you alone know your situation and I applaud you for handling things so well. Good luck with everything… I’m sure it will all end up working out for the best and everyone will be happy.
Hey MJW that’s my situation too expect the parties are reversed. My Mom is still throwing a fit that her boyfriend is not invited to the wedding so I have to have a sitdown with the both of them next week. The bottom line is that her boyfriend (the same guy she cheated on my Dad with - oh, yeah, I’m over it mostly) is actually a pretty decent guy and won’t want to come if he realizes that it would make me and my Dad and my sister feel awkward.
Otherwise everyone is in their traditional role at the wedding and my parents do (and will) get along great. Probably even sit in the same pew and hold hands at the ceremony. Definitely dance together at the reception. Oh, and my mom’s family is still super close to my Dad too. Her brother is my dad’s best friend.
Life is just so messy sometimes. In 12 minutes it’s noon, can I go for cocktails yet?
I am fresh out an argument where control of the care-taking parent trumped over biological ties and the brides peace of mind and happiness. Fancy way of saying, thank you all so much for sharing. I was actually surfing the net looking for some solution, like plexi-glass division or two ceremonies or no ceremony at all. Instead I found support of brides who just ‘get it’.
Feeling still dependent on my mother, and honoring her for being the caretaker, I have sold my right to having a waltz and speech from dad on my wedding day. What do I say to him tomorrow? ‘Dad I am getting married, but since mom hates you and will make sure all hell breaks loose if you’re around, I can’t have you there, oh, and please pick up the tab!
I will NOT be a mediator, I can NOT control my dad’s behavior and will not risk having my mom go into a nervous breakdown on my day. If we keep it super low key, just city hall, then I lose out. If I do what I want, it would be impossible to keep them safely apart.
If they love me, they will have to respect my choice. It’s on my conscience, but still, one day for god sakes!
Hi there,
I have this problem with my parents. I am close to my mother as she raised me…my father and I have a close relationship too(as much as the phone can bring us and the occasional visit). I am getting married in 2 months and my parents have been divorced for over 20 years and they still hate each other. There was a lot of abuse; verbal, mental and physical on both sides. My mother HATES my father for recking her life and the life that she thought would be peachy…my father HATES my mother for apparently with holding us from him and therefor recking his life and relationship with his kids. My mother states that he didnt fight for us…and my father states that he fought his hardest for us and rights to see us but my mother kept us from him. I dont remember the specifics…but what I do remember is all the fighting, anger and heart ache. I still deal with it today.
Now with dealing with the topic of who should or will walk be down the isle…I thought that for one day I could have a normal day…a day where everything seemed normal. I thought at one point that my mother agreed to have both of them walk me down the isle…but now she says that she WOULD NEVER say that or agree to that. She feels that she has earned the right to give me away since she was there for me…I partially agree because she was there for me…but my dad states that she didnt allow him to be there for me…and I am sure there is truth to that too! I have talked to my mom and she says that she will do whatever I want her to do…but I know she cant bear the though of sharing this day with my father. She has cried her eyes out to me how he beat her…how he abandoned us and how he didnt earn it. My heart aches for her pain. When I told my dad that I think I want to change my mond and have her walk me down the isle…he cried hard about all the times my mother withheld our visits and told him that his kids(us/me) would never have a good relationship with him. To this day our realtionship is strained because of my parents mistakes. My dad says I have to do what I feel in my heart…and all I know is I feel hurt and angry that I will hurt and anger someone. I dont want to discredit my moms hard work in raising us…but I also dont want to hurt my dad and his efforts. I feel trapped. I thought about walking myself down the isle…but that doesnt feel right either. I might have to just do that so I dont take sides….but its not really what I want. All I know is I dont want to hurt either parent. HELP! I dont know what to do…
What a tough place to be for you, Jenn. I can relate to the struggles that you’re going thru. You want to make everyone happy and comfortable but honestly I just don’t see that it can be. It seems like your parents are putting it in your hands to make the final decision. And as tough as that is, you really have to make it YOUR decision. Whatever makes you happy, not your parents. As selfish as that sounds, no resolution will be had with 3 people who want 3 different things. You really have to put your foot down on this one. I think in the end they’ll support your decision. Hope this helps some!
Mrs. Apple
Mrs. Apple, Dallas
Age and Occupation in '07: 28, Entrepreneur
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 32, Police Officer
Engagement Date: Easter Day 2006
Wedding Date: May 27, 2007
Blogging Since: September 28, 2006
Venue: Marie Gabrielle Restaurant & Gardens
About Me: I'm in the midst of trying to plan a "perfectly beautiful" wedding and decorating my new home. It's been exhausting but totally worth every minute of it. Ironically, I was never the type of person to want to get married but now that I'm engaged, I get giddy over anything that is wedding related! I'll try my best to give you all unique and practical ideas.
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