Weddingbee Blog

I’m in a similar situation, and it’s making me really wish I had given more thought to who my BM’s should be…I chose someone who is indeed a close friend, but not the best person to be a bridesmaid (for several reasons: she lives far away, she had a quickie wedding and I suspect is a little jealous of my wedding, she’s simply not into weddings and planning and thinks it’s all a little “silly” - she’s a good friend, just not a great person to have as my BM). However, I have just accepted that she won’t participate the way my other 2 will, and that the extent of her participation will be standing up there with me during the ceremony. It’s not worth the pain and drama it would cause to revoke her title.

I think un-asking someone is unacceptable, unless you have a REALLY good reason. Think of all the drama it will cause - is it worth it? If the answer is yes, then I say do what you have to do. But in most cases, and definitely in mine, the answer is no. I think you should just cut your losses and adjust your expectations of her, and realize that you learned a very valuable lesson about who this person is.

It’s strange, I think wedding planning has really brought out the worst and best in a lot of people who are close to me - friends, family, even myself……

Good luck and keep us posted!

This is difficult because you state that you do not like the person she has become. What has she become? A BridesmaidZilla? Who she “has become” may not effect your actual wedding day. If the only reason you don’t want her to be in it is because you all do not have much in common, you should have realized this from the get-go so just leave her in the wedding. Good Luck :-)….

I think I lost my post, so I’ll re-type it:

I actually did un-ask a bridesmaid. I know, it’s a terrible, terrible thing. My situation was different, we hadn’t spoke in 5 months because of an argument over her lying (all the time). I told her in October to call me when she was ready to have an honest friendship - she didn’t call until the end of February, 2 weeks before I needed to order the bridesmaid dresses. I actually posted an open-question here to get opinions about what to do and got some really great advice. I ended up telling her that I thought it was a lot to ask of her to buy a dress in the next two weeks while our friendship was so unstable. I also told her that I had had to do a lot of planning in the 5 months that we hadn’t been talking and that I didn’t want to assume that we’d be on good terms again before the wedding. She was very hurt, but understood why I made the decision I did. Like I said, completely different situation, but I wanted you to know that it has been done. Good luck with whatever you end up doing. Oh - and my “ex-bridesmaid” and I are still talking now and working on our friendship.

I think there are also ways, as Iris sort of suggested, to give her a way to back out. Is she really busy? Is cost an issue for her? You can always say something like “geez I didn’t realize that my bridesmaids would have to commit so much XXXX time, money, etc, I feel really bad that this might be burdening you….” and see what her response is. If she is feeling the same way you are about the friendship, she might jump on the opportunity to back out.

I wrote a kick-off email to all my bridesmaids telling them how excited I was to have such close friends through all recent stages of my life (a high school best friend, a college roommate and then a post college friend). Included in the mix was another “friend” that we grew apart because we had nothing in common anymore, and she was very selfish and projected negative energy. The problem was we promised each other that when we got engaged that we would be in each other’s wedding parties. That promise was my first mistake, following through was my second. Though she accepted the offer, she called saying, “I don’t feel like I really fit into any of those special phases in your life. Are you just trying to keep the promise?” I intially deflected that (true) accusation but after her dissing my choices in colors, dress types, time of for the wedding etc. She even said she may not be able to make it because she was taking a new job around the time of the wedding. I couldn’t take it anymore and told her she was right I asked her to be my bridesmaid out of obligation. It opened a huge can of worms and exchanged words. She did not attend the wedding and nor do I talk to her anymore. I don’t have any advice but just my experience to share.

the same thing happened to me .. i asked friends i’d known since middle school (some even elementary) and we’d all been best friends but after college, most of us grew apart. two of the bridesmaids didn’t even get in until the day before the wedding. i was so furious. and since i was the first of the group to get married, they were totally not understanding or supportive. they didn’t do much with planning either. it was pretty miserable. i wish i hadn’t asked them in the first place, but what’s done is done and the most important thing is that i’m marrieD!!!

If I don’t like someone or feel like they will be not someone significant in my life in the future, I would not have them in the wedding party. Just think, I will be flipping through my expensive wedding pictures years from now and I will be annoyed that this person is in the pictures. It’s like having an ex in pictures that you really treasure. It will ruin your wedding pictures in a way.

I came very close to jsut not having MOH/BMs right before the wedding b/c of the crazy shower a month prior, but when I went to my final fitting for the dress, I realized that at the end of day I will only remember the good and not all the crazy crap prior to the wedding.

I am getting married in two months time and have three bridesmaids. All of them are close friends of mine (or so I thought) although they don’t know each other very well. Two of them are under financial pressure so I paid for the dresses - which they had a choice about and sorted out shoes etc which was hard as one of them has an unusual shoe size. I am organising prety much everything for the wedding and have not asked them for any help. My fiance is great and has taken a lot on and we are happy to do things ourselves. The only thing I wanted them to do was to make an effort for my hen party. I booked a restaurant and invited everyone to stay at my mother’s house to save everyone some money. Because I know two of them were broke I made the booking and arranged to pay for the meal. It was a huge amount of work getting the house ready but my mum and my fiance pitched in. I was really looking forward to a big night. I am not really comfortable with the whold penis shaped straws/stripper side of hen parties so I asked them - in a jokey e-mail - not to turn up to dinner with that kind of stuff. One of them had let slip that they had met up a few times and my brother had been rooting around old photos to give to them so I was really looking forward to a lovely personal night. One of them literally sits beside my fiance at work and had been in on the ring buying so i was confident she was talking to him about their plans.Then one of them had a work committment which meant she wasn’t going to come. I didn’t get annoyed with her as i understand career pressure etc. and she managed to sort it in the end so she could be there after dinner which I appreciated. That was the last time I felt good about any of them. They turned up and had nothing arranged- not even a card or a bunch of flowers let alone the kind of evening I thought they were planning. Nobody brought a camera, raised a glass to me or acted in any way like this was an occasion to be marked. I was so upset I slept in another room and cried all night. I didn’t want my other friends - some of whom had travelled from abroad - to feel that I hadn’t had a great time etc as they had made an effort to be there. I know they were shocked that my bridesmaids made no effort at all and I was really humiliated as well as being hurt. I just put on a brave face the next day and had breakfast. I can’t talk to any of my other friends that I am close to because I feel they were possibly a bit put out they hadn’t been asked and I didn’t think it was fair to expect them to commiserate over the let down. None of the 3 called me over the weekend. In the end my fiance met up with one of them without telling me and told her that I was upset. She called me to say sorry etc and the others have since been in contact. They are saying that it was a misunderstanding and they didn’t realise I expected them to do anything. They tried to arrange drinks this Friday but I can’t go as I have a long standing thing I can’t get out of. Also I just do not feel ready to see them. I am so hurt and upset and I feel silly. I know that I am lucky to be marrying a caring man and that should be the only thing on my mind but I can’t stop crying every time I think of it. I never ask people to make an effort or to go to expense on my behalf. I didn’t want expensive gifts or a posh dinner. I just wanted my friends to care enough to make me feel loved and appreciated. I know they want to make it up to me and I should just be a good sport and let them but I just feel so hurt. I honestly don’t know how I am going to look them in the face on the day. I have a complicated family set up which has caused me quite a lot of upset and have been pulled this way and that emotionally over the last few months. I think maybe I expected too much from my friends. I have never felt so alone. The only thing is that at least my fiance cares about my feelings and has tried to make me feel better. I really wish I could just tell them that i don’t want them involved in the wedding but i know that i can’t do that. I think I just have to grin and bear it and make sure the photographer takes at least one good set of photos without them in it. I made a huge mistake asking them. If anyone else reading this is engaged and thinking of who to ask you should be really really careful as the run up to the wedding can be an emotional time and you really need people around you to support you. I am not nornally someone who gets upset about stuff like this but i am a mess.

Can i fire my bridesmaids. I “hired” my bridesmaid like 18 months before the wedding. The were my friends. Now we hardly talk at all. and one of my bridesmaids told me she didn’t want to talk about the wedding. They both complained that they had to pay for the dress which was 40 dollars! they are really busy and don’t have time to help. they wouldn’t even help if i asked cuz i did and they said no. The only thing they have actually done is gone with me to try on my dress. the entire time we were there they were on their phones and not paying attention. they eventually walked off and i was standing there all by myself. i told them that hurt and i thought it was not very nice. they didn’t really care. We have grown apart over the months and we never talk. the two of them hang out all the time and never ask me to do anything. we are not exactly friends. Can i ask them to not be in my wedding since the people standing up next to you should be the ones you love and actually care even a little about you. Please help.