Engaged and Underage
April 12th, 2007 @ 4:22 pm by Mrs. Pumpkin
Have any of you watched the new MTV show Engaged & Underage? It is pretty crazy! I have only watched the one episode but it was pretty interesting. This episode was about a mexican woman and a black man and the pressures each of them are feeling from their families to not get married - mostly for cultural reasons but also because they are too young. Especially the black man - his Dad said to him flat out that if he had his choice, his son would be marrying a black woman.
It sort of reminded me of something that happened to me when I was in grade 12. Mr. Pumpkin and I started dating in Grade 10 and I sort of always knew that my Dad didn’t really approve. But I think he just let it go because he never thought it would last. My Mom has always gotten along with Mr. Pumpkin. Then when we were in grade 12, my Dad sat me down and told me that he thought I needed to find a new boyfriend. Even though I always suspected that he didn’t approve I was SHOCKED that he would say that to me. It really affected my relationship with my Dad for a while, and also the relationship that Mr. Pumpkin has with my father.
It is better now - I *think* my Dad has grown to love Mr. Pumpkin, but maybe he just hides his true feelings. They play golf together in the summer and get along pretty well, but underneath there is a competitive vibe because (I suspect) they each secretly think that they are better than the other. They come from very different backgrounds and neither values or respects the other’s life choices. Maybe that is not entirely true, but that is definitely where the differences lie.
If Mr. Pumpkin were more traditional I think my Dad would have loved him from the start. If my Dad would recognize that what Mr. Pumpkin does for a living has great value, even though he will never be rich doing what he does, maybe Mr. Pumpkin would respect my Dad back. Mr. Pumpkin doesn’t understand why my Dad is so worried about money and why, even at age 65, my Dad still goes to the office every weekend. While I understand it (my Dad grew up very poor), I agree that he is too focused on the money. It is frustrating that he can’t wrap his head around the idea of risk associated with your paycheck, and therefore believes that Mr. Pumpkin will never be able to “support” a family. Very 1952, right? I mean, what am I, chopped liver? I have an income too!
Yikes! That digressed quickly! The real point of the story is that I don’t really care what my Dad thinks because I know that Mr. Pumpkin and I are good together, and that we will work through life together as partners. It was sort of a tough lesson to learn at 17, but I think that realizing my parents aren’t always right has helped me go through life without worrying what others think of me. I also think that I am more respected in my Dad’s eyes because I stood up to him and continued to date Mr. Pumpkin - there haven’t been many occasions when his children have stood up to him.
Do your parents approve of your SO or FI? If not what have you/are you doing about it?
Related Posts
13 Responses to “Engaged and Underage”
No one in my family has any objections to him, and I don’t think his family does to me (or they’re just really good at hiding it!) The only thing I can think that they might want differently from me is my difference in views because whereas I’m pretty liberal, they’re rather conservative (but we get along great, have only had one disagreement, and they get me funny George Bush cards for my birthday!)
My parents really like my fiance. My dad teases him mercilessly, so I had to assure him that it means that my dad likes him. If he didn’t, he’d just ignore him. And when I told my mom we were getting married, she said, “I get another son!!”
My dad absolutely loves my fiance. Coming from a small town, pretty much everyone knows everyone so my dad inquired about my Fiance. He obviously heard many good things because my dad really liked him before they even met. When I decided to move to Oregon to be with fiance, my dad’s exact words was “Please don’t screw this up.”
My dad’s opinion is very important to me so I am happy that my dad approves of my lifetime partner.
My fiance and I laughed pretty hard when we watched Engaged and Underaged…I’m sure that the show could spark many discussions on what is too young to get married…I have to laugh at the show though because often the couples ARE of age (I’m thinking the “adult” age of 18)
Luckily both sets of parents get along really well, they often invite my Dad (single) over for family dinners, especially since my fiance moved across the country and now my Dad is “alone” When we announced our engagement there was a lot of “finally” - we have been together over 7 years now!
However, I do remember once incident with my Mom - my fiance and I were in a pretty big fight at the time and my Mom made a negative comment about him - NOT cool, even though we were fighting I still loved him dearly! I still think about it sometimes and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth…
Good on you Miss Pumpkin for standing up to your Dad and following your heart!
my parents adore my bf and vice versa. they’re both just happy that we found someone who genuine loves us and makes us happy. it was important to me that my parents to like my bf because they had such an unpleasant experience with my sister and her now husband [though they tolerate him a lot more than i do...but that's neither here nor there].
my dad was really looking forward to having a son-in-law he could have a relationship with since he only had girls so i’m glad he and my bf get along as well as they do. he even told the bf that he could call him anytime he wanted [since the bf's father passed away a few months after they met]. getting along with the future in-laws has definitely been a blessing.
i tell my fiance this all the time: i think my mom likes you more than she likes me! 
Both my mom and my step-mom like my hubby; my dad took a while to adjust to him. My MIL doesn’t particularly like me, but at least part of that is because I changed the relationship she has with her son.
He used to just agree with anything she said to her face to keep her happy. Now, he might not agree with opinion she expresses but he is capable of disagreeing agreeably (it makes him a LOT less stressed and he talks to them more often, but she still doesn’t like it).
Also, I follow a different “brand” of the same religion, so there have been instances of “I just learned X at my women’s meeting” “But what about y?” “Where does it say y?”
Meh. At least she’s not trying to undercut me.
I think I’ve posted this before on other posts, and I feel kind of weird saying it because everyone else is so lucky and have such positive experiences to share, I feel like I’m being a downer. But to share a different viewpoint:
My mother does not approve of my fiance. In bact, it’s so bad that when my fiance asked my father for his permission to marry me, my dad felt it necessary to warn my mother that the wedding announcement was coming so that she wouldn’t lash out at us when we told her. (And I am SO thankful that he did, since I was dreading telling my mother, but due to the warning, she was actually quite pleasant.) We’ve had all out, screaming-at-the-top-of-our-lungs fights about it. My mom and I just have very different values, and I’ve realized over the last few years that she would never choose for me the same type of person that I would choose for myself as a life partner, so we would probably never agree.
It’s an interesting growing experience for me to learn to be kind to my mom and keep in mind that although I disagree with her views, that in *her* mind, she’s looking out for my best interest. I’m trying to find ways to repair our relationship which has been damaged since I’ve been dating my fiance, and to create a positive relationship between her and my fiance. It’s hard, but probably a necessary lesson for me. I grew up thinking my wedding experience would be all fairies and roses and that once married, my husband and I would have weekly brunch at my parents place and all be great friends. That’s not necessarily realistic for most people, although if any of you have that, I’m glad for you that you have such a great supportive family surrounding you!
Hi Miss Pumpkin,
I’m so glad to hear you followed your heart and true instincts!
My parents objected to our engagement announcement. My FI definitely does not have the type of job that will make him rich, either. However, there is so much more to a person than just a job. While he does not have the best job, he works hard, he’s committed and he great at what he does.
I felt alot of pressure from my family. I have learned not to care what they think either, but at the same time I really valued my family’s opinions. I felt they needed to spend more time with my FI and see him the way I do. We are taking it slow, but they seeing what a great person he is and with hard work and committment, the money will always be there.
During our tough times, I always refer to “The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee” as a reminder of who and what the important things in life are:
http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/263.html
Hope this helps! 
I really don’t think this is a case of rights and wrongs.
Your father’s “focus” on money and whether Mr Pumpkin will be able to provide for a family is his way of making sure you will be taken care of. Your father has spent his life providing for you…now it’s time for him to let go and give that responsibility to someone else. He’s just looking out for you. Yes, money isn’t everything but it’s plenty helpful to have enough of it.
And your father’s need to go into the office every weekend… it might just be in his nature to DO things. My father is the same way. Even on his off days he likes to work where as my mother likes to rest and take it easy. It gives him purpose…nothing wrong with that.
aww laura s, be strong!
you’re not alone either. my s.o.’s parents don’t like me at all. they tell him on a weekly/bi-weekly basis that he needs to break up with me and find a “nice (same ethnicity) girl.” we’ve been together for several years but they refuse to acknowledge me. i don’t know think my parents are keen on my s.o. either, but at least they keep thier opinion to themselves. i’ve actually yet to have any s.o.’s parents like me…it’s not b/c im a bad person, i just happen to be attracted to a certain ethnicity that’s not so open minded about people that are “different.” ironic thing is, i’m “tehcnically” the same ethnicity, but grew up in a “non-traditional” way. it’s frustrating, but you take it day by day.
I understand your situation, Miss Pumpkin! My dad and FI really get along, but I know my dad doesn’t really approve. He’s said so to me a couple of times. It’s just him being old-fashioned, like your situation - I’ll always be the breadwinner (although FI works very hard), but my dad seems to think it’s my FI’s responsibility to “provide” for me. Whatever, you know?
His mom also doesn’t love me, but oh well, we never see them.
Mrs. Pumpkin, Saskatchewan, Canada
Blogger Since: April 10, 2007
Age and Occupation: 28, Lawyer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Farmer
Engagement Date: July 14, 2006
Wedding Date: June, 2007
About Me: I love movies, music and I am addicted to TV. When I have some spare time I also love scrapbooking and making personalized greeting cards and above all playing Hide & Seek or Duck, Duck, Goose with my two adorable nieces!
I think most harsh life lessons happen at 17. Mine sure did. On the other topic, my parents love my BF. My dad will always be a little weary because of past experiences and because I’m his baby girl, but I think they get along ok.