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There was a question in the comments to my previous post on my invitations about why Mr. Pumpkin wasn’t helping out more, and that got me thinking about grooms and their varying degrees of involvement. Now, in that particular circumstance, Mr. Pumpkin was out of town and I had taken on the invitations by myself because I really wanted to get them out that weekend. That is not to say that he would have helped had he been here.
He is interested and involved in the planning, I swear, he’s just not good with things like that: things that require attention to detail and a delicate touch. We have been making wedding related decisions together all along. The way our rule is, until we shake on it, whatever “it” is, it’s up for discussion. After that there isn’t any use talking about it, because it is done and settled. So, he is involved in every decision and we make those decisions together. He has also been doing other jobs, such as making and painting the shepherd’s hooks for the ceremony and the easels for the table names at the reception.
So, I think that he thinks that he’s very much into the details but really, he hasn’t got a clue. He just doesn’t understand how weddings work, and how organized and coordinated everything needs to be. He just has no experience with it and, even though he’s been to many weddings, he just never paid attention to this kind of stuff. So I give him little jobs, jobs that he thinks are HUGE and very important, and then the Moms and I do the rest. And I am really okay with that! Sure, I’ve been very busy these past couple of months but it isn’t anything that was done to me - I took it all on myself because I know that I can do it better and faster if I just do it. Maybe I am a control freak (well, who are we kidding - I am definitely a control freak!), but it’s what I do - it’s how I operate. It’s also how our relationship works; he is blissfully ignorant and I get to make sure that everything is done right. It’s the perfect situation for both.
I know that he will have to start being more involved in the weeks before the wedding but I think that he will be fine with it. He’s great as long as he has clearly set-out jobs, and he can do them his own way, without anyone looking over his shoulder. I just need to plan out those jobs, so he’s busy taking care of things I don’t need to supervise, and then I’ll be free to take care of the things that I do need to supervise!
How are you working things out with your FI’s? Is he more or less involved than you’d like? Do you have others helping or are you doing it all yourself?
Same here! My fiance couldn’t care less about the flowers, invitations, etc… He just wants to get married! I give him small tasks - booking the honeymoon, the get away car, the hotel room for the night of, etc… stuff that he’ll find fun and will get around to doing!
Outside of that, it’s me and my girlfriends compiling the OOT bags, the invitations, the favors, etc. Although sometimes I wish he’d be more involved and helpful, I’d much rather be able to control the process (I’m a bit compulsive like Miss Pumpkin) and get the job done on my terms on my time!
My FI has been a great help. I think he actually wants to help more sometimes, but I often refuse to let him work on some of the DIY stuff because I am so particular and want every little thing to be perfect. He is great with specific tasks and has done the following…like booking the transportation, booking the wedding night hotel, cutting corks for place cards, cutting paper, helping with design ideas, music selection, planning all the boy details (a fitting day, baseball game, tux style, gifts, etc).
My FI is a great consultant. I consult with him when I’m on the fence about something. I have given him little jobs, but I know the big stuff is mine. It’s not that he can’t, it’s that I know I want it done a certain way & so it’s easier for me to just do it myself. My MOH & girlfriends have been helping me a lot. Poor FI tried to help with the invitations (he really wanted to!) but he couldn’t get it & actually punched a hole in one! It took him 3x longer to do the embossing than it did me & instead of having fun, he just got frustrated. I love the man, but he is not about the details. I, however, am ALL about the details. His support consists of telling me what a fantastic job I’m doing, thanking me for all the work I’m putting into it, & listening to me when I need to vent. He’s good at it & I know he will give me good advice or just listen…
I consult my fiance about decisions, and then I go out and do the things we talked about, except for the things he has to do, like get everyone together for tuxes and such. Other than that, he’s not very involved, mostly because he doesn’t understand the amount of planning that has to go into something like this. I think he thinks that weddings just happen or something, but I love him anyway.
There are some decisions I’ve made without even bugging him, but not many. Just yesterday I saw an idea on a knot bio that I wanted to steal, and I ran it past him first. His reaction was priceless:
Him: Thanks for asking me about stuff like that.
Me: Of course. I mean, it’s your wedding.
Him: Oh, yeah!
Hehe, I think it’s a guy thing. My fiance is really good about coming along to meet vendors and gives his input on major decisions such as what venue to pick, what type of food to serve etc. But he doesn’t care about the little stuff, and I’m actually really glad because if he did care, I would never get to use pink as one of the theme colours or have a cherry blossom design on my invites, ya know? It would probably be a black, blue and red wedding in the middle of December with a skull and crossbones as the theme if he were planning it all himself. If your vision happens to include some really “girly” elements, it might not be such a bad thing if the groom isn’t too involved!
My fiance thinks that his only duty is to confirm that all of my ideas/choices are good ones. The one thing that he stands firm on: he refuses to wear anything pink.
Getting the groom involved is obviously a common almost universal problem! Manolo for the Brides actually had a post about a similar issue yesterday. Next week on my blog I’m running a full Groom’s Week with a special guest blogger. He’s authored a popular book on helping the groom get involved in the wedding planning process. Check it out if your interested.
Rhonda
I gave my FH a few tasks and based on how well he does them he may or may not get more. I told him he was in charge of finding a DJ, so he did all the research, scheduled a meeting with one, and then I took over from there! Other things on his plate are to secure our pastor as our officiant and do tux stuff (which I will go with him to make sure our colors match)
I run everything by him, and the things he’s most adamant about having a certain way I try to do (for example he wanted our candy buffet to only have candy in our colors but he doesn’t care how it’s set up). I think he doesn’t offer to help more because I’m so indecisive about everything! I battle myself for weeks about this or that and when I finally narrow it down to two choice he makes the final call.
The task he wanted most and the one I gladly am giving him is decoration of our reception room. So he gets to be manly and build things (a backdrop for our sweetheart table, various displays for pictures and such).
Even though I am doing a lot of the work, the biggest support from him is when he goes with me to meet photographers, caterers, bakers, etc. We both acknowledge there are guys out there that do far less than he does. I’m blessed 
you know what i love about your blog? its so exactly what i was thinking when i was planning my wedding. i gave my husband all these little things to do and he thought he helped SO much. whereas i thought he never helped enough. he did do a great job (without any help from me) on limos, other transportation, getting his own tux shoes, finding dance teacher and honeymoon - but everything else was me, me, me!
i can laugh about it now, but back then, it was the most infuriating experience. how can you argue with someone when you think he’s not doing enough and he thinks he’s doing so much? there’s no logic to that argument. ahaha.
I read once somewhere that males focus on the big picture goal (the “what”) while females focus on the details that it’ll take get accomplished (the “how”). So like, a husband will focus on how to save money for the kids’ college eduation, but the wife will think about who’s going to baby sit this weekend. How true it is, isn’t it?
I think it’s one of the funny ways that men and women are built so differently and also what makes a couple a great team.
umm call me lucky, but my fiance does more than i do, and yes, i’ve been dreaming about my wedding since i was a child and knew what it would look like since high school and am on wedding sites all day. sometimes i feel stressed and tired and so he goes out and does exactly or much more than meets my expectations. i guess it all has to do w/ personality, but i do know that most guys hate the details.
heh. that’s a perfect description of my groom! but he is trying to help. and really there’s a limit to what he can do. he is a very good gopher though. he does everything i ask him to. heh.
Y’know, I just thought of another angle he’s helping on: I HATE using the phone. Hate it, hate it, hate it. So anything that can’t be done via email is his problem. He seems okay with that, and anything that prevents me from having to use the phone is great.
A few weeks ago, I was procrastinating on a wedding project by just making another list of wedding projects (admit it: you’ve done that), and when I said “Oh, I need to do X, Y, and Z,” he said, “No, we need to do X, Y, and Z.”
And he assembled all of the invitations.
So there you go: an involved groom.
My FI is helping where he can: arranging things for OOT guests, the honeymoon, etc. But, he’s defintely NID and I think this is fine for both of us. I have started to take this on as “Patrick’s surprise” knowing that he’ll probably think the details are silly and he’ll just have to be pleasantly surprised when he sees the total package on July 7th.
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Mrs. Pumpkin, Saskatchewan, Canada Blogger Since: April 10, 2007 Age and Occupation: 28, Lawyer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Farmer Engagement Date: July 14, 2006 Wedding Date: June, 2007 About Me: I love movies, music and I am addicted to TV. When I have some spare time I also love scrapbooking and making personalized greeting cards and above all playing Hide & Seek or Duck, Duck, Goose with my two adorable nieces!
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