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I think I may be one of the lucky ones. I have a great fiance, great friends and family, and now (almost) a great in-law family. Sure, my FBIL never remembers that I don’t eat meat (No, Peter, ham is NOT a vegetable), and my FSIL Lena is often hard to get a hold of (Please get your dress!), but they’re great.
Why am I blogging about this? Well, lately parts of the OTHER side of the family have been having in-law issues. It’s not my side, but Mr. Kiwi’s side. And well, when I remarked, “Your family is INSANE”, he told me, “You mean OUR family.” Oh. I forgot.
See, the deal with Mr. Kiwi’s family is complicated. His mom’s side is full of love and kindness, but his dad’s side drifted away when Mr. Kiwi’s dad passed away. For this reason, I’m glad Mr. Kiwi loves my side so much–it’s almost filling the void for him.
This made me wonder, is the fact that I’m super close with my FMIL and love her to death odd? Are these gripes about FMIL/MILs more common than my situation? I know Mrs. Butterfly posted about MILs but I want to know…
What do you think of your future in laws? Are they like another extension of family now, or do you wish you could marry the man/woman and not the family?
Great post! My FMIL and FFIL are *wonderful* people, and I really do think I’m lucky to be marrying into that family. I’ve also hit it off with one of Mr B’s cousins who’s about my age, and am on great terms with just about everyone else. There is one branch of his family that is sort of alienated from Mr B’s ‘branch’, so I don’t talk to them that much, either–and they’re giving me some trouble. But on the whole, I think the in-law situation is a-OK for me! 
though we’re not engaged yet, i’m enjoying my bf’s family. i wish i could have met his dad [who passed away before i could meet everyone] but his mother and rest of the relatives are super nice. his uncle and grandmother crack me up and have quickly become some of my favorite people. they’ve been incredibly inviting and warm to me so i have no worries once we get married.
i think it’s a blessing to have a great relationship with your in-laws. it alleviates so much stress that would otherwise be there.
FINALLY!!! Someone else who understands! I am just like you; I read the boards on the Knot about horrible MILs and I wonder if I’m abnormal. I love my in-laws; they truly are family to me, not just my FI’s family. The entire extended family is so wonderful, and everyone has always made feel like part of the family from the very beginning. I couldn’t ask for better in-laws; I feel so incredibly blessed, and I wish every bride could experience this type of relationship.
i completely
We all get along great! Both FBIL’s are fun and great friends to us both and my FMIL and I adore each other (I think she is just happy to have a girl around since she only had boys and lives on a farm!). Mr. Pumpkin’s extended family is also wonderful and I think they like me too! The only touchy area (and it isn’t really that bad) is my FFIL. He is quite conservative in his political views and can sometimes be hurtful with racist comments/jokes. I know that he is a product of his environment and just has never been told that those attitudes are unacceptable in today’s society and so I try to tell him as politely as I can without being combative but sometimes we have to verbally spar for a couple of minutes until we both let it go. I know that I may never change his views but for me, not speaking up when someone says something like that is just as bad as saying it yourself so I always call him on it. To his credit he never holds it against me and 99.99% of the time we get along great!
I definitely wish I could marry my FI and not his family. The bad thing is that I’ve tried so hard to look past how his step mother treats both he and I. I’ve tried to wipe the slate clean and start over each time I talk/visit with her, but she makes it impossible. It’s such a long story, but she certainly doesn’t make me feel welcome in the family.
LOVE LOVE LOVE my future in laws! They are like family– actually even better than my own family!
I have an okay situation. I get along well enough with FI’s family, but even though I’ve known them for 3 years, it’s still awkward for me to carry on a conversation with them when my FI is out of the room. They’re nice but we’re definitely not close, the relationship is pleasant but feels a little forced if you know what I mean. But it sure could be a lot worse, so I’m not complaining! Besides, they live three hours away so we usually only see them 3 or 4 weekends out of the year.
It requires chemistry for you to feel attracted to another person and also like their personality and feel compatible with them. It’s almost magical and unexplainable when those feelings are reciprocated, sort of like the stars have to all be aligned for the feelings of two people to be focused on one another in such a positive way. That’s special enough just to have two people who get along and love each other. If you are lucky enough to “click” with his family as well, and for them to like you, well then that’s practically a miracle for all those people to think positively about one another. So really, if you have that experience, that’s awesome but it’s a pretty tall order to expect it.
My dad and uncle were always fantastic about taking care of my maternal grandmother after both my mom and my aunt died. I think my uncle had a better relationship with her than he did with his own mother.
My future in-laws are very much of the
“gaining a daughter” attitude, and for every “crazy” relative he has, I have at least two.
i think that relationship with your in-laws depends very much on how your fiance gets along with his own family, as well as how alike they are to him. my husband is nothing like his parents, which is why i find it hard to get along with them. don’t get me wrong - its not like i fight with my in-laws or anything. i am always perfectly polite and even charming around them. i grit my teeth and bear it when his dad spews his completely traditional views. right now its not much of a problem, but once we have children, i could totally see them becoming meddlesome.
I’m pretty lucky because both of our families love both of us very much. The biggest tension is his parent’s conservativism (?) and my obvious liberalism but we make it work by mostly avoiding those types of discussions (they buy me funny Bush cards for my birthday so we make it work)
The other area I would like to improve is sibling relations. My sister and I are very close - she’s my maid of honor. My FH and my sister joke around like they were brother and sister so it’s great. But FH’s sister got married last summer and he was only an usher in her wedding. They’re not as close as my sister and I and I think it has to do with being of opposite genders. It’s hard for me though because I always envisioned getting a SIL who turned into my best friend, confidant and shopping partner. I’m working to make it better, and she’s been great in giving me all her old wedding stuff, but there’s still that tension when we go out with her and her husband. I’m hoping in time it will get better and our relationship will blossom
Ms. Kiwi,
I’m also very close with my FMIL! My parents are not involved in the wedding (by their choice), and my FMIL has been so wonderful. We usually email back and forth several times a week, and I know I can call her anytime I need an opinion. She is supportive without being overbearing or pushy.
I knew she had really given our relationship her blessing when I learned that the center stone in my ring is an heirloom from FMIL’s grandmother’s engagement ring!
A few days ago, I asked FMIL to come to my first dress fitting, and my fiance said last night that his mom is over the moon excited.
I get along with my FMIL sometimes better than my own mother. I LOVE my mom- don’t get me wrong.. but she’s not as emotional as me and FMIL gets it- we cry over the same stupid stuff 
I love FFIL too- he’s a character and a half and I’m glad that he’s my FFIL. I feel so lucky that I get along with my soon to be in laws!
I love my future family. Not so sure my boyfriend loves mine as much, but tough! 
My FMIL is an amazing Martha Stewart type. She raised (3) boys, that are quite responsible adorable gentlemen… which is no small feat in this day and age, my FFIL however is another story alltogether. He is a hard worker, and he loves his family, but… He gets drinks too much. So much so that we’ve agreed that we can not leave our future children in their house (his mom will be crushed, but we figure we will cross that bridge when we get there). Hes not violent by any means, he just has a tendancy to get VERY inappropriate. The man has basically come on to me twice in the past couple of years. Once verbal, once physical - WOW. So embarassing for my fiance to have to confront his father - - just sad sad sad…
my boyfriend has been talking about wedding things (ie officiants) in front of his mom and i told him i thought it was weird to be talking about that with his family before we are engaged. he said, “what? and take all the joy out of her life?”
needless to say, they love me and i love them!
Yeah, totally don’t get along with the FI’s parents and sibling. I think the comment about how a FI’s relationship with his family has bearing on your relationship is true.
He is the sucessful sibiling (solely because he made it happen for himself). They have always gulit tripped him into everything and they’re still trying– from trying to convince him not to date me right down to decisions about the wedding we’ve made that they don’t like.
Since they can’t do that with me, and I have very strong (opposite) opinions as they do, there’s been some conflict. They don’t avoid touchy subjects with me. Rather, they discuss things knowing it gets under my skin. And, of course, once his mom bad mouthed my mom, there was nothing left to discuss!
yeah, my ffil appears totally perfect on the outside, and they are really nice folks, but i have to confess that they get on my nerves. FMIL lets her sons and her husband get drunk all the time, then runs around cleaning up after them! last time they visited, i had to gently put my foot down and say — not in my home. needless to say that created some ripples.
the most annoying thing is that she really believes her family’s way of doing things is the only way to go. she doesn’t understand that her son and i are building a life together, and we’re negotiating and navigating our own set of rules, which are not hers or her family’s. i am happy to follow her way of being when i am in her home, but outside of that, no way.
My future IL’s are way more normal than my own crazy crazy crazy family!!
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Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA Engagement Date: March 31, 2006 Wedding Date: November 3, 2007 Venue: Radisson Hotel About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
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