Mrs. Hibiscus, Orange County
Age and Occupation in 06: 25, Eyebal Doc
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Commerical Underwriter
Engagement Date: September 26, 2004
Wedding Date: July 7, 2007
Venue: Laguna Beach on the beach, reception on a yacht in Newport Beach
About Me: I'm an eyeball doc. Normal is boring. I'm a hat person and a cat person. I'm in love (so very very in love). I'm a dreamer. I want to change the world. Superheroes are my friends. Kindness is contagious. Music is in my heart. Carpe diem.
The Love of Your Life
April 20th, 2007 @ 10:33 am by Mrs. Hibiscus
I think when you’re around a couple enough, you can just tell if there’s magic there. I know a lot of times you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but you can still get a sense. People may marry someone because they lust for them, some marry out of circumstance, some for convenience, others because they feel they have to and some people just plain settle. People even marry for their parents, or unfortunately some for economic reasons.
A lot of these things you can’t hide from other people… at least not for long. My friends have been to many weddings where everyone knew the couple would get divorced. So sad. What’s even sadder is those couples have gotten divorces. 
I’ve even had friends say their significant other or fiance wasn’t the love of their life. I have other married freinds who admit they settled. It seems only a handful of people marry the love of their lives. Maybe it’s asking too much. Maybe someone who is a good person with drive who cares for you deeply is enough.
I want to know how many percent of people do you think really truly marry the love of their lives? Perhaps a negative type question for Weddingbee, but I just want to get some opinions. Maybe it’s taboo to talk of divorce… but the rate is high and consider those couples that do manage to stay married but aren’t all happy.
What does it take to get that happily ever after we all dream of? Is it that difficult or do we as human beings make it difficult by allowing lust, circumstance, convenience, society, age, our families and money dictate what I feel is the most important decision you will ever make? Thoughts? Do you just sit on the sidelines and watch people you care about enter marriages that everyone knows won’t last (even themselves)?
25 Responses to “The Love of Your Life”
Life is something we experience, and some people make decisions that lead them to experience things in a more difficult way.
I would never feel that it was my place to try to tell someone that their outlook on marriage or their plans to marry were a bad idea. However I surround myself with friends who tend to hold the same values about love and commitment that I do (as far as not marrying for financial reasons or just because ‘it seemed like the next step’) and so it becomes less of an issue.
I think having ‘happily ever after’ really means not expecting that to be a reality. Marriage is commitment + work, with a little luck thrown in.
I have thought about this long and hard because my fiance was previously engaged (in college). They broke up at the start of their senior year and we met towards the end.
He often calls me “the love of his life,” “his soul mate,” etc… I’ve questioned him about how that could be, given his previous devotion and willingness to marry another woman. Was she not the love of his life? Why would you agree to marry someone who wasn’t?
His response boils down to a simple: I thought she was the love of my life and the person I wanted to be with, but that was before I met you. Now I know what it means to be truly committed, etc… and to be soul mates.
At the end of the day, I think people get married/engaged for a variety of reasons. They’re too young, haven’t dated around enough, are afraid to pass on someone who is a wonderful person but just might not hit the right buttons… etc… who knows why? My parents’ have many friends whose daughters are in their mid-30’s and are just hoping to marry anyone who comes along. Who says the word “spinster” isn’t used anymore in modern society (esp when you’re chinese)?
Also, I agree with fizzy - even though my fiance and I do believe we’re soul mates, that doesn’t mean we don’t bicker about dishes, where to put things, his tardy email replies… marriage is a lifelong commitment and both people need to respect each other and dedicate themselves to making it work!
I don’t think it’s for me or other people to judge or “warn” my friends about their relationship/marriage. Everyone goes through hard times and it’s up to them to come to terms with what they are willing to compromise, work on, or not. Everyone is raised so differently and with different expectations that I don’t think you can convince them otherwise. It’s up to them what their defination of “happily ever after” is.
I would guess that 80% of people marry because they believe that their SO is the love of their life - even though they might not be - I like to think that they at least go in believing that it will work out. And then, I guess that means that I think 20% marry for other reasons.
I have watched five couples get married when I suspected that it would end in divorce, I was right about 3 and 2 are still together and they seem to be happy so you never know. I was nervous about the marriages mostly because the couples were either very young or marrying because the woman was pregnant but I would also never say anything.
The furthest I would go would be to get them talking about the relationship and then look for opportunities to question it in a very subtle way, just enough to let the person know that they could talk to me about it if they weren’t sure. I think that questioning a marriage is the quickest way to lose a friendship and if I am right and the marriage doesn’t work then they will need my friendship. But mostly, I am hoping that I am wrong each time and that they will be together forever!
I believe a lot of people convince themselves they’re marrying the love of their life–even if they’re not. I definitely have friends who are doing this. I would only talk to someone about their doomed marriage if I really really really cared about them.
A friend of ours was just the best man at one of those weddings where no one really thinks it’s going to work out. He was miserable for weeks before and after, because he wasn’t sure whether he’d said too much or not enough. Months of just saying “Are you sure about this?” hadn’t had any effect.
All of us on the outside saw it as a man and a woman who had put deadlines on themselves, decided to get married before thus-and-such date or age or whatever, and then just went with the next person to come along. That was the part that made me, at least, take a look at my motivations for marrying. Why? Because I had put my profile on an online dating service when I hit a specific age, and was now engaged to literally the first person who had come along. It was just too similar to their situation to let it go.
I put my own relationship under the same microscope we’d put theirs under. I asked the same questions: What do we have in common? Do our friends–people who have known us much longer–feel comfortable around us as “a couple?” Do we have similar goals and expectations? Are our families comfortable around each other?
What came out of that re-examination was a stronger feeling that our relationship is a natural, positive thing, with (as investors would say) “growth potential,” and the fact that it may have started with a personal deadline is only coincidental.
Going back to that poor best man, two days before that wedding, when he was camped out at the bar trying to write a speech, he said “No one, besides the two people involved, think this is a good idea. Not like you guys. Everyone thinks that’s a good idea.” It was nice to get independent confirmation on that.
I know this is slightly off-topic, but it’s something I was talking about with Mr Blueberry last night and thought it was worth mentioning.
It seems that a large part fo the reason that the divorce rate is so high right now is because people consider it to be an option. If you decide going in that divorce is *not* an option, that whatever problems you develop can and should be worked through, I believe marriages are happier and more successful overall.
Perhaps I am a cynic or a skeptic. I think that there are myriad, valid reasons to get married. It is wonderful to feel that you are marrying the “love of your life” as for myself, I am marrying the man who I feel that I can create a productive and satisfying partnership with, whose values and opinions I respect and who
people’s relationships are hard to delve into. i think each couple has their own dynamic that is incomparable to anyone else’s dynamic.
but since we live in america and there are constant images of what “ideal families” look like. a lot of people buy into that concept of perfection and think that if their life isn’t that way, it must be wrong.
Love… can also be a choice. If someone is not in love with someone - it’s because they chose not to try for whatever reason. But at the same time - I don’t think that most people know what real love is. But I guess that’s going off topic.
i think before a person can get married they have to have reached many certain points in their personal development.
1. be honest with themselves and comfortable with themselves about who they are and what they want in their life.
2. find someone who shares their basic values who they enjoy spending time with.
3. realize that successful relationships do not happen without a lot of hard work and effort on both sides - patience, compassion and compromise.
People need to get past the fantasy concepts of true love. I’m sorry. While I am not saying that true love is impossible within five minutes of meeting someone, I think those cases are very very very rare.
I think real true love develops over time. But only if you are wise and down to earth enough to realize and appreciate it.
We have many friends who we feel may not have entered marriage wisely, but so far so good. I mean, we try to be supportive and encourage communication between them when things happen.
Ultimately the couple needs to figure out between each other what works for them and hopefully appreciate the significance of their relationship together realistically. And hopefully they have open communication with each other in order to facilitate the exchange of thoughts and work together to develop their relationship.
sorry so long. i’ve rewritten this alot and it may not make any sense.
I love with all my heart. Is he the love of my life? I think he is, but how can I know for sure, my life is not over yet! I am happy with our decision to marry, and so is my fiancee, and that happiness should matter more than anyone elses judgement or rating of our relationship and or decision.
I married someone who wasn’t the love of my life. We got divorced. Afterwards, people told me they knew but didn’t have the heart to tell me. I guess I wouldn’t have been receptive to that at the time. I tried to make it work bc my parents loved him and he was “good on paper”. Nice doctor with a good family. I haven’t found the love of my life yet. im more inclined now to tell someone to think about the reasons theyre marrying before marrying. its not a game. it doesnt matter what parents want. at the end of the day youre with that person NOT THEM
Tara F. - For the benefit of others, with your experience, what would be some of those things you think people should be thinking about now?
i think our american society has it all wrong. since when did LOVE become the foundation for marriage and not COMMITMENT? what happens when love “dies” or “fades away”? a nation with the highest divorce rate in the history of mankind. and how come in other countries where parents arrange marriages the divorce rate is so low? these marriages historically last the longest, rarely with any divorces because the couple commits to this person, commits to always try to love. because if you take out love in the equation, commitment is still present.
often times when you expect something or someone to fail, it or they fail. instead of sitting at the sidelines predicting failure, why not encourage the couple and send them positive and loving vibes.
and how come everyone expects young couples or pregnant couples to fail? your expectations make it worse for them.
With all due respect, I have issues with phrases like “love of your life” and “happily ever after.” It is possible to have many loves in one life and there is no such thing as happily ever after.
I think one reason for the high divorce rate is the fact that so many people these days do have unrealistic expectations, like a happily ever after - everyone wants the fairytale ending, but no one wants the reality that comes after.
For me, a huge part of having a successful marriage (or relationship) is managing your own expectations - going into it knowing yourself and your partner as well as you possibly can, and most importantly accepting each others’ limitations. It’s also important to remember that just like with anything else there will be highs and lows - I think the people who go into marriages thinking that every single day will be magical, forever and ever, are setting themselves (and their relationships) up to fail.
Some people have hinted at this but I think it is worth saying that I believe some people actually divorce the RIGHT person, because they didn’t work hard enough on the marriage. Because we’ve set up our society to believe that true love is perfect and effortless, so I think some people just get confused when you have to work hard to keep even a real, true love going strong. We doubt ourselves and wonder if it’s really love, if we argue sometimes or have any negative feelings or don’t think the other person is “perfect.” It also gets confusing to recognize your true feelings when they are clouded by society’s expectations, a ticking biological clock, perhaps disapproval of your friends and family… how do you clear all that debris away and just listen to your heart? It’s hard.
Part of your commitment to each other HAS to include a willingness to do everything you possibly can to save the marriage when the going gets tough, and never just give up. Divorce should be the absolute last resort when you’ve exhausted every other option. Some couples jump toward divorce as a solution too quickly.
I once heard an elderly married couple tell the secret to their long and happy marriage. They said, “The secret is, we never both fell out of love at the same time.” I thought that was interesting. I have had moments where I felt like I’d fallen out of love with my fiance. I knew I loved him, but I wasn’t sure I was still IN LOVE with him and I was so distraught that I couldn’t get that back. But emotions ebb and flow, and I am 100% in love with him still and I know he’s the best person for me. If you have patience and focus on positive feelings, love always comes back for the right person. I guess if it doesn’t, that’s how you know it’s not the right match…
Marriage is just not about love but about humility and serving the other person. I think when people take their marriage vows they don’t really think of what it really means. It’s easier to stick around for the better and in health times but what about for worse and in sickness? The vows are a promise and covenant that you two committed before God and before a crowd of witnesses. As a child of divorced parents, growing up I often heard my parents complain to me about how the other person was mean to them, wasn’t doing things to please them. When you have a self-centered take on marriage, of course the marriage will be doomed. When you become one flesh, there is no more you and me…but rather the two are joined as one.
Because of my parents’ failed marriage, I’ve always had some fear in marriage. With my previous bfs, they were the love of my life at that point in life. The difference between my FI and my exes is that not only do I love him, but I know we share the same visions and values about future, same faith and religion and contentment with living within our means. We are not marrying each other because of each other’s potential earnings or power and status. If we never get richer or even if we do get poorer, we know we are committed to work through all the trials and hardships together.
I completely agree with Madison. A lot of people tend to base their marriage on the “love” feelings they have at the beginning, and if those fade, they want out or think their marriage failed. I think marriage is more about the commitment you are making. Love doesn’t always come easy — it is a choice you make every day.
I love C.S. Lewis’ thoughts on marriage:
“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling… knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go…
But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense - love as distinct from “being in love” - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.
Being in love first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. “
I just want to clarify that I don’t expect all young couples or couples who get pregnant before they get married to fail. The specific couples that I know, in my opinion, were making that commitment either unwillingly (because of pressure from parents or society) or with those unrealistic expectations of fairytale stories that others have mentioned here. The couples that I know who were young were getting married to have the big party - not to have a marriage and build a life together. So, it isn’t that I expected them to fail just because they were either young or pregnant, it was more that I knew that these couples were not going into these marriages with the level of commitment or knowledge of self and each other that I think we all agree is neccessary for a successful marriage. And, it is definitely a case by case kind of thing - I am sure that there are many young couples who will have wonderful life long marriages, that unfortunately wasn’t the case for the people that I knew. I will agree that I should be thinking more positively though and I resolve to try! 
I don’t really know what “love of your life” means. I consider my love for my fiance to be the greatest (in all senses) that I’ve experienced…ours is the best relationship I’ve ever had, we love and respect each other, we laugh together a lot, and our passion has gotten stronger over the years. But at the same time, I had what I consider to be the most romantic night of my life with someone else, years before I met my fiance. Of course, that guy turned out to be a complete creep who broke my heart and stomped on it.
Now I know that an awesome relationship is worth so much more to me than one night of movie-style romance. I know that our marriage will be rich and nourishing because we’ll put in the commitment and work that it needs. So I guess we’re choosing to be the love of each other’s lives. I don’t believe that there’s one person out there for everyone–if you meet a person who fulfills everything you need and you do the same for them, you can either chose to honor your relationship with them above all others or not. I totally think it has to do with the time in your life and if you’re in a place where you want to commit yourself.
Thank you all for sharing your opinions and thoughts (and excellent writing skills….man…you guys are good….haha). Maybe I’m naive, but I do believe there is one love of your life. Someone who fits you like no one else can. And you grow together, dream together and share the same values. I think you can love many people but the love of your life fits you no matter what stage you’re in because you grow together. I know people who have married the love of their lives and have been happy and in love for 40+ years. Perhaps too fairy tale for most people but I’ve seen it. And it’s glorious.
True love does grow over time and is proven and earned, not given. I’m not arguing against that. And I know marriage is about many things. And love is complex and cannot be defined so simply. Marriage is about commitment, trust, honestly, fidelity, compromise, patience, working through the times that are difficult, cherishing the good times, supporting each other in the lowest times and it’s about bringing out the best in each other. It’s about loving your partner when they are unlovable. It is about growing old together and fighting sickness and financial difficulties. It is about respecting each other and each other’s views and opinions. Marriage is very very hard work. And yes, people give up….sometimes a little too easily.
But, that wasn’t my question. I want to know how many percent of people truly marry the love of their lives. Someone who they will be passionate about, even when their partner is old and gray and ill. Someone they are excited to wake up every morning to for the rest of their life. I believe you can marry that person and you can stay “in love” while growing to love them more and more. You and in love with and truly love the love of your life. It comes with the territory.
Divorce is complicated as welll. It’s so high in the US because it exists and it is convenient. Many countries do not give that option. Women are second rate citizens in many places around the world. My cousin in the Philippines cannot divorce her husband and he abuses her physically. She can never leave him because divorce does not exist.
I know personally going into the relationship that I have now I didn’t believe in “forever”. I had told him numerous times that this was not going to last. I know, very pessimistic of me. However, I was sick of setting myself up for failure. What I mean by this is going into the relationship thinking everything was perfect and that we were going to last “forever”. I know that realistically there isn’t a such thing as a fairy tale romance and serious meaingful relationships take a lot of work.
That being said I realized that my fiance was “the one” when I started setting goals for us. Started seeing all the things that I wanted to accomplish and knowing that I wanted him beside me as we they happened.
I do realize that people change. We change constantly depending up the environment we are living in, the people we have around all different kinds of circumstances and what may be good now, may not be good then. I would like to go into this marriage knowing that if we work hard enough our marriage will prevail. However, people change and I do not want to be naive to that fact. The marriages that, in my opinion, are the couples that change together.
Wow, talk about a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. I guess thats what I get when I don’t proofread.
thanks for the clarification miss hibiscus. to answer your question, i am marrying “the love of my life”.
but here’s another question. how do you know that there is always “the love of your life”? how to explain that to married couples who lived together for 20 years being “the loves of eachothers lives” and then divorced only to marry someone else and at that time, the new one became “the love of their life.” and how about if one person screws up and doesn’t marry “the love of their life” and marries someone who was also supposed to marry “the love of their life” but it all got screwed up. doesn’t that mean technically we all may be marrying someone’s life lover but we think that the one we’re with is THE ONE? i know that this whole paragraph suddently became confusing but that’s just my question. if there is such a thing as soul mates or the love of our life, how come we’re all not happy, how come there are so many divorces, and how come we can always find a next one that was better than the last one?
Ive been told americans marry the ones they love, they dont love the ones they marry
Amen to the C.S. Lewis quoted above…
