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I have been doing some soul searching about Weddingbee.
Lately, some comments on Weddingbee have turned mean 
. When I asked the commenters about it, they told me that they want to “keep it real” and share their “true” opinion. When you put it that way, I wonder if I’m being too sensitive. After all, we don’t want Weddingbee to become a site where everyone has to agree with everyone!
But then last month, we introduced a new bee - Miss Broccoli - and in one of her first posts, she talked about her decision to not tell her co-workers about her engagement. One commenter then told Miss Broccoli to “get some therapy”! Others followed up with personal attacks, questioning her love for her fiance because she didn’t wear his ring.
At the same time, the post also showcased the best of Weddingbee. Many commenters chimed in to support Miss Broccoli, and a few others gave advice on how they’d seen the situation handled: “My co-worker took some time off, told her boss the day before why so that he could pass the news and when she came back it was already old news.” This is exactly why Weddingbee comments can be so great! Other people share their personal experiences, and the community converges on an answer that’s “smarter” than what one person might have come up with alone.
In the end though, Miss Broccoli was pretty hurt by some of the comments. After taking some time to think about it, she decided not to blog for Weddingbee anymore. She only had a month left before her wedding and it was a busy time for her, so it totally made sense. But I was sad that she had felt driven away by some of the meaner comments.
Abusive comments are starting to appear with more frequency and I feel like if we don’t do something, Weddingbee might end up like some other wedding sites where snarkiness is the norm. So we’re starting to draft a comment policy, and would love your input.
What should we do if a certain comment crosses the line - delete it? Email the commenter and give them a warning? Ban the commenter? Please let us know what you think!
I think if you ban the commenter, they will still find ways onto the site (make up a new name, e-mail, etc.).
What I love about Weddingbee is that the “norm” is good advice from friendly people. Other sites are indeed snarky, and I have stopped posting there for that very reason.
I think that snarky comments should be deleted. There can be a disclaimer on the comment page that says Weddingbee reserves the right to delete rude comments, as they do not serve the purpose of this website.
I applaud you for taking action, Mrs. Bee!
I always thought that comments were screened. Therefore, if a comment has no purpose except to be mean, then just delete it or don’t let it go through. I would say if there was someone that kept on trying to post snarky comments then they should be banned. I love weddingbee and think everyone is so nice!
I’m not sure how a comment policy would work - because as Courtney says, mean spirited people will find a way onto the site if banned.
If a comment really crosses the line (ie “get therapy”), I’d delete the comment. but outside of that, I would be cautious about banning the commentator or trying to put into place a policy because it might cause more uncalled for nastiness as those commentators try to “get back” at being banned… so, I like Courtney’s plan - a disclaimer and deleting if the comments are just plain spiteful!
One of the reasons I liked WeddingBee so much to begin with was all the positive comments. I don’t have any close friends that are engaged, and no one seems to understand what it’s like planning a wedding. But when I came here, people understood me and gave great advice that I never would have thought of, like you said Mrs. Bee. I agree that any malicious comments like that should be deleted. Many of us are coming here for support, not criticism. Let’s try to keep it that way! 
i agree with courtney. i thought miss. brocolli’s commenters were mean too. 
I think the spirit of weddingbee is one of friendly advice and wedding madness commaraderie. And the posts should reflect this spirit.
I don’t think warnings will be effective as posting is essentially anonymous.
I’m not opposed to deleting posts. The Beeers are essentially providing a service, and just like in any other service oriented industry, such as a restaurant for example, you would ask rude or unruly patrons to kindly leave. The Beers are now doing the same….
I’ve seen some places ask other commenters to rank or warn other commenters, although I could see how that could backfire. If you get a mean spirited person blocking perfectly good comments. .. hmm just thinking “outloud” here. I’d be interested to see how the wording of the policy would be drafted. It could get really tricky I imagine. It’s definetly an issue to tackle though, I’m glad that it’s on its way. I think it’s great too that we really “know” our monitor on this website too. I know Mrs. Bee well enough that I wouldn’t make a mean comment b/c I’d hate to be mean to her and her website. It’s a different thing to be mean to someone totally anonymous. I think that’s one of the great strengths of this website. (not that I am mean to anonymously hosted blogs, at least I hope I’m not!)
Ditto Courtney. Snarky comments are not “real” they are mean. There are ways to present disagreement with the blogger without being rude. (i.e. Dollar dances are tacky and anyone who has them is a hick, versus, I personally chose not to have a dollar dance as I didn’t feel it fit in with the overall feel I was going for at my wedding.) The first is hurtful while the second voices a difference of opinion. As we are all adults we should be able to communicate constructively. Delete the “mean” comments while allowing different opinions to still be voiced.
I think that constructive criticism should be allowed. But, personal attacks should not. If someone dislikes something and clearly explains why, they have the right to voice their opinion. But, to attack someone in the process is uncalled for.
You should include a disclaimer saying that you have the right to delete any comments deemed inappropriate by weddingbee staff and to ban repetitive offenders. I don’t think there needs to be a whole policy written up. Just a reminder.
Being online for some time, in settings where there’s a high participation in a online community setting, I have to say that people will sadly show their best and worst sides, as sadly text does not inflect well.
That being said, I’d rather things be kept “real” so long as people mind their p’s ad q’s.
It says a lot about the person who makes a comment that makes them look badly. The original poster shouldn’t worry about it, if they don’t like it or is not what they “want to hear”. If they take the comment personally, they should have the ability to screen their own comments and delete them if they like, but really, I think that does a disservice to other readers, as they won’t see the true colors of said commenter, and hence allow others to make up their own minds about what they think about said commenter.
I’m not saying that abusive comments shouldn’t be removed, but one should bear in mind that what every person deems abusive can range from something that doesn’t agree with what the original poster is writing about all the way to vulgar language with clear hostility and attacking words.
In the end, it should be up to the original poster, imho. If people don’t want to see/read/be offended by what commenter’s have to contribute, then it’s just like watching T.V. change the channel, or in this case, skip to the next comment.
Sadly, I do think the time has come for a real policy on commenters! I think “keeping it real” is certainly good, but there’s never a need to personally attack a blogger. There are plenty of nice or at least neutral ways to disagree with someone! I would go with writing the official policy to have posted somewhere on the site, and then delete offensive comments the first or second time, but if it gets to be a problem send them a warning email, and only ban as a last resort. I agree that being banned tends to make people just get angrier, but presumably even if they find a way around it, Bee can just delete THOSE nasty comments, and they’ll get tired of it soon enough. But just delete the first one or two comments that are a bit nasty without saying anything since I bet a lot of nasty comments come from nice people who leave normal comments a lot of the time but are just having a bad day or something really struck a nerve, and only resort to steps 2 or 3 if they show a real habit of nastiness.
I would issue warning and delete (explaining the deletion in the email). People need to know that there’s a different between being real and being a snarky you-know-what.
There was a post recently on The Knot reception board abut this. Once in a while, someone speaks up and out against rude, snarky behavior. The two schools of thought: The poster who asked a question or for a rec and hopes for an answer but gets rude, unrelated responses, and the responses from brides parading as the etiquette police and being real.
http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=26681462
In case that link doesn’t work it’s on page two, titled “Just My Opinion.”
I haven’t been on Weddingbee for a while - but it was mainly because of the point brought up in this post (thanks, Mrs Bee). Weddingbee was a great site that I fell in love with. I loved reading posts and especially the great tips that Mrs Ladybug and Mrs Snail used to post. In any case, there is one person in particular (without naming names) that I’ve seen REPEATEDLY leaving rude comments here and there. I’ve always wondered why/how those comments end up getting posted - thought they were being screened too. I’m really glad you addressed this issue and my vote is for the comments to be deleted. Constructive criticism or not, there seems to be a thin line between the two here. I think plenty of folks have offered their 2 cents without making it seem like they were judging them. Maybe we can “flag” comments that we feel are rude/snippy/off-base? Did that make sense?
I am so glad that you are addressing this, Mrs. Bee! I’ve always loved weddingbee because of the friendly atmosphere, but sadly, the snarkiness from other sites is seeming to creep over here from time to time. The annonymity of the internet seems to make people meaner.
I agree with everyone — delete comments when they are mean, and maybe after a couple rude comments, you can ban the IP address.
Keep up the great work!
It makes me sad that this even has to be discussed. In general I think if people don’t have something nice or positive to say then why say it at all (i.e. what’s the purpose of posting that you think someone’s dress is ugly and you’d never wear it, or whatever). I think weddingbee should just delete the ones that are obviously trying to be offensive. There is always a nicer way to say something, even when you disagree about something.
One more thing…
If you consider going to a model where the site has to be “policed” for commenter’s and their content, it’s will be a very time consuming task all around, which will need consistency all the way through.
The idea though, isn’t in whether or not you can be real, it’s in how you say it!
From that knot thread:
**”…often people get upset about replies that are just honest, not rude” I completely disagree here. There is a way to say “so-and-so, I think your theme may not be very mature,” or something to that affect–IF provoked. But, when someone asks for table name suggestions and gets comments about being bi polar and childish, you’re totally lying to yourself if you think you’re just being honest. Sure, you’re being honest, but you’re also being a gigantor biitch. And as someone who actually has a bipolar in her family, yeah it’s rude, too. Just stop kidding yourselves.
**I don’t think anyone is arguing about the advice given, but how it is presented. Everyone throws etiquette in one another’s faces but lacks any in their communcation. There is a way to say things with tact and there is another way that lacks class. Also, giving opinions on things you weren’t asked about. If the poster asks about a cash bar, she doesn’t need to hear that her gown is ugly. Quite frankly, I have seen many gowns I think are hideous in user’s profiles but I’m not wearing it so what do I care. Obviously the person who bought it, likes it. That is why there are so many styles and designers to choose from. Also, a lot of things do depend on region. Costs are one and yet girls get bashed because they live in a costly metropolitan area and are spending more than some girl in a rural area spending $5k on it because she “can’t see spending so much on a party.” You can’t see it because you don’t have it.
I think you should delete the comment if it is rude or offensive, or a personal attack especially if there is no constructive advice contained in the comment. I wouldn’t block people, just email them when you delete their comment and let them know why it has been removed.
mrs. bee-
Please think carefully about banning IP addresses, as some people may be posting from institutions such a school or business, where other weddingbee readers may also comment from.
I mention this, as I had a friend accidentally ban a whole university as a result of trying to keep one ner-do-well from a popular blog.
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Mrs. Bee, New York Age and Occupation: 29, Weddingbee Publisher Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Internet Engagement Date: May 7, 2004 Wedding Date: March 5, 2005 Venue: Westside Loft, New York About Me: Yes, my name really is Bee! I love my blogging, wikis, and tabasco sauce!
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