Comment Policy
April 24th, 2007 @ 12:04 pm by Mrs. Bee
I have been doing some soul searching about Weddingbee.
Lately, some comments on Weddingbee have turned mean 
. When I asked the commenters about it, they told me that they want to “keep it real” and share their “true” opinion. When you put it that way, I wonder if I’m being too sensitive. After all, we don’t want Weddingbee to become a site where everyone has to agree with everyone!
But then last month, we introduced a new bee - Miss Broccoli - and in one of her first posts, she talked about her decision to not tell her co-workers about her engagement. One commenter then told Miss Broccoli to “get some therapy”! Others followed up with personal attacks, questioning her love for her fiance because she didn’t wear his ring.
At the same time, the post also showcased the best of Weddingbee. Many commenters chimed in to support Miss Broccoli, and a few others gave advice on how they’d seen the situation handled: “My co-worker took some time off, told her boss the day before why so that he could pass the news and when she came back it was already old news.” This is exactly why Weddingbee comments can be so great! Other people share their personal experiences, and the community converges on an answer that’s “smarter” than what one person might have come up with alone.
In the end though, Miss Broccoli was pretty hurt by some of the comments. After taking some time to think about it, she decided not to blog for Weddingbee anymore. She only had a month left before her wedding and it was a busy time for her, so it totally made sense. But I was sad that she had felt driven away by some of the meaner comments.
Abusive comments are starting to appear with more frequency and I feel like if we don’t do something, Weddingbee might end up like some other wedding sites where snarkiness is the norm. So we’re starting to draft a comment policy, and would love your input.
What should we do if a certain comment crosses the line - delete it? Email the commenter and give them a warning? Ban the commenter? Please let us know what you think!
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99 Responses to “Comment Policy”
I always thought that comments were screened. Therefore, if a comment has no purpose except to be mean, then just delete it or don’t let it go through. I would say if there was someone that kept on trying to post snarky comments then they should be banned. I love weddingbee and think everyone is so nice!
courtney, we can actually ban ip addresses but we have yet to do so.
I’m not sure how a comment policy would work - because as Courtney says, mean spirited people will find a way onto the site if banned.
If a comment really crosses the line (ie “get therapy”), I’d delete the comment. but outside of that, I would be cautious about banning the commentator or trying to put into place a policy because it might cause more uncalled for nastiness as those commentators try to “get back” at being banned… so, I like Courtney’s plan - a disclaimer and deleting if the comments are just plain spiteful!
One of the reasons I liked WeddingBee so much to begin with was all the positive comments. I don’t have any close friends that are engaged, and no one seems to understand what it’s like planning a wedding. But when I came here, people understood me and gave great advice that I never would have thought of, like you said Mrs. Bee. I agree that any malicious comments like that should be deleted. Many of us are coming here for support, not criticism. Let’s try to keep it that way! 
i agree with courtney. i thought miss. brocolli’s commenters were mean too. 
I think the spirit of weddingbee is one of friendly advice and wedding madness commaraderie. And the posts should reflect this spirit.
I don’t think warnings will be effective as posting is essentially anonymous.
I’m not opposed to deleting posts. The Beeers are essentially providing a service, and just like in any other service oriented industry, such as a restaurant for example, you would ask rude or unruly patrons to kindly leave. The Beers are now doing the same….
I’ve seen some places ask other commenters to rank or warn other commenters, although I could see how that could backfire. If you get a mean spirited person blocking perfectly good comments. .. hmm just thinking “outloud” here. I’d be interested to see how the wording of the policy would be drafted. It could get really tricky I imagine. It’s definetly an issue to tackle though, I’m glad that it’s on its way. I think it’s great too that we really “know” our monitor on this website too. I know Mrs. Bee well enough that I wouldn’t make a mean comment b/c I’d hate to be mean to her and her website. It’s a different thing to be mean to someone totally anonymous. I think that’s one of the great strengths of this website. (not that I am mean to anonymously hosted blogs, at least I hope I’m not!)
Ditto Courtney. Snarky comments are not “real” they are mean. There are ways to present disagreement with the blogger without being rude. (i.e. Dollar dances are tacky and anyone who has them is a hick, versus, I personally chose not to have a dollar dance as I didn’t feel it fit in with the overall feel I was going for at my wedding.) The first is hurtful while the second voices a difference of opinion. As we are all adults we should be able to communicate constructively. Delete the “mean” comments while allowing different opinions to still be voiced.
I think that constructive criticism should be allowed. But, personal attacks should not. If someone dislikes something and clearly explains why, they have the right to voice their opinion. But, to attack someone in the process is uncalled for.
You should include a disclaimer saying that you have the right to delete any comments deemed inappropriate by weddingbee staff and to ban repetitive offenders. I don’t think there needs to be a whole policy written up. Just a reminder.
Being online for some time, in settings where there’s a high participation in a online community setting, I have to say that people will sadly show their best and worst sides, as sadly text does not inflect well.
That being said, I’d rather things be kept “real” so long as people mind their p’s ad q’s.
It says a lot about the person who makes a comment that makes them look badly. The original poster shouldn’t worry about it, if they don’t like it or is not what they “want to hear”. If they take the comment personally, they should have the ability to screen their own comments and delete them if they like, but really, I think that does a disservice to other readers, as they won’t see the true colors of said commenter, and hence allow others to make up their own minds about what they think about said commenter.
I’m not saying that abusive comments shouldn’t be removed, but one should bear in mind that what every person deems abusive can range from something that doesn’t agree with what the original poster is writing about all the way to vulgar language with clear hostility and attacking words.
In the end, it should be up to the original poster, imho. If people don’t want to see/read/be offended by what commenter’s have to contribute, then it’s just like watching T.V. change the channel, or in this case, skip to the next comment.
Sadly, I do think the time has come for a real policy on commenters! I think “keeping it real” is certainly good, but there’s never a need to personally attack a blogger. There are plenty of nice or at least neutral ways to disagree with someone! I would go with writing the official policy to have posted somewhere on the site, and then delete offensive comments the first or second time, but if it gets to be a problem send them a warning email, and only ban as a last resort. I agree that being banned tends to make people just get angrier, but presumably even if they find a way around it, Bee can just delete THOSE nasty comments, and they’ll get tired of it soon enough. But just delete the first one or two comments that are a bit nasty without saying anything since I bet a lot of nasty comments come from nice people who leave normal comments a lot of the time but are just having a bad day or something really struck a nerve, and only resort to steps 2 or 3 if they show a real habit of nastiness.
I would issue warning and delete (explaining the deletion in the email). People need to know that there’s a different between being real and being a snarky you-know-what.
There was a post recently on The Knot reception board abut this. Once in a while, someone speaks up and out against rude, snarky behavior. The two schools of thought: The poster who asked a question or for a rec and hopes for an answer but gets rude, unrelated responses, and the responses from brides parading as the etiquette police and being real.
http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=26681462
In case that link doesn’t work it’s on page two, titled “Just My Opinion.”
I haven’t been on Weddingbee for a while - but it was mainly because of the point brought up in this post (thanks, Mrs Bee). Weddingbee was a great site that I fell in love with. I loved reading posts and especially the great tips that Mrs Ladybug and Mrs Snail used to post. In any case, there is one person in particular (without naming names) that I’ve seen REPEATEDLY leaving rude comments here and there. I’ve always wondered why/how those comments end up getting posted - thought they were being screened too. I’m really glad you addressed this issue and my vote is for the comments to be deleted. Constructive criticism or not, there seems to be a thin line between the two here. I think plenty of folks have offered their 2 cents without making it seem like they were judging them. Maybe we can “flag” comments that we feel are rude/snippy/off-base? Did that make sense?
I am so glad that you are addressing this, Mrs. Bee! I’ve always loved weddingbee because of the friendly atmosphere, but sadly, the snarkiness from other sites is seeming to creep over here from time to time. The annonymity of the internet seems to make people meaner.
I agree with everyone — delete comments when they are mean, and maybe after a couple rude comments, you can ban the IP address.
Keep up the great work!
It makes me sad that this even has to be discussed. In general I think if people don’t have something nice or positive to say then why say it at all (i.e. what’s the purpose of posting that you think someone’s dress is ugly and you’d never wear it, or whatever). I think weddingbee should just delete the ones that are obviously trying to be offensive. There is always a nicer way to say something, even when you disagree about something.
One more thing…
If you consider going to a model where the site has to be “policed” for commenter’s and their content, it’s will be a very time consuming task all around, which will need consistency all the way through.
The idea though, isn’t in whether or not you can be real, it’s in how you say it!
From that knot thread:
**”…often people get upset about replies that are just honest, not rude” I completely disagree here. There is a way to say “so-and-so, I think your theme may not be very mature,” or something to that affect–IF provoked. But, when someone asks for table name suggestions and gets comments about being bi polar and childish, you’re totally lying to yourself if you think you’re just being honest. Sure, you’re being honest, but you’re also being a gigantor biitch. And as someone who actually has a bipolar in her family, yeah it’s rude, too. Just stop kidding yourselves.
**I don’t think anyone is arguing about the advice given, but how it is presented. Everyone throws etiquette in one another’s faces but lacks any in their communcation. There is a way to say things with tact and there is another way that lacks class. Also, giving opinions on things you weren’t asked about. If the poster asks about a cash bar, she doesn’t need to hear that her gown is ugly. Quite frankly, I have seen many gowns I think are hideous in user’s profiles but I’m not wearing it so what do I care. Obviously the person who bought it, likes it. That is why there are so many styles and designers to choose from. Also, a lot of things do depend on region. Costs are one and yet girls get bashed because they live in a costly metropolitan area and are spending more than some girl in a rural area spending $5k on it because she “can’t see spending so much on a party.” You can’t see it because you don’t have it.
I think you should delete the comment if it is rude or offensive, or a personal attack especially if there is no constructive advice contained in the comment. I wouldn’t block people, just email them when you delete their comment and let them know why it has been removed.
mrs. bee-
Please think carefully about banning IP addresses, as some people may be posting from institutions such a school or business, where other weddingbee readers may also comment from.
I mention this, as I had a friend accidentally ban a whole university as a result of trying to keep one ner-do-well from a popular blog.
I agree that there needs to be a comment policy. Weddingbee is like a community of friends who are going through the same thing. While you might not like something a friend is doing, you probably aren’t going to say anything truly nasty about it. Deleting comments is a great idea, and I agree that banning a commentor should be the absolute last resort.
I do think that some commenters do get mean for no reason. Maybe putting down other people’s weddings makes them feel better about their own? I dont know what the reasoning is, but there is absolutely no need for anyone to act superior on this forum. We love weddingbee because its such an encouraging place to share ideas and get feedback. I would hate it see it get more and more restricted just because a few writers believe that they are above others and ruin it for the rest of us.
Like people have said - we are all grown ups here. Act like one. There are plenty of ways to disagree and give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism without being mean or snarky.
I do like the idea of other readers being able to “warn” or “flag” the offender. If they get too many offenses, it should automatically ban them from commenting (from the IP address) for a time being. I dont think you should ban them permanently - maybe just for a month or so. Kinda like how the AIM warnings work? If you warn the other person enough, I think you can get kicked out of AIM for the day or something like that.
This way, the readers as a whole are taking up the challenge to moderate the site. Mrs. Bee, you are just one person and you cant possibly moderate every single comment. I think a collective group effort will be more successful and more accurate.
Of course, this all boils down to opinion on what is snarky and what isn’t. Obviously, there are comments that are clearly inappropriate. But one of the downfalls of text commenting is that it can never truly duplicate the tone of the author. Just like so much in life, there isn’t (and shouldn’t be) a black and white answer.
Sadly, that doesn’t necessarily help your issue here. I really think it is a combination of taking things with a grain of salt, and being honest and forthcoming when you see something that you think is overtly snarky. You really never know if someone was just being sarcastic.
Another thing — I know monitering the comments could be a big task… maybe you could have a couple of designated moderator bees?
Thank you, Mrs. Bee. I agree whole-heartedly with eisor– let there be a disclaimer and then we’ll trust your judgement to delete inappropriate/attack comments. Obviously, if any of the bloggers objects to a comment on her post, she should be allowed to vote it off the island, as it were. Otherwise, I think there should be few guidelines other than common sense and Mrs. Bee’s/Miss Lovebug’s judgement. I do think that a warning email should be sent to the offending poster, as well, just so they know they were out of line.
I can see where this is coming from, and while I am not a bride, nor even a bride to be, I have noticed from time to time that people take the bloggers insights and opinions very much to heart, and seem to have no reserve in letting them know what they think. One of the things I think that could possibly be taken from this is that it is THEIR (the blogger’s) special day/life leading up to it, and that we have to respect their wishes and decisions.
Personally, it makes me happy that people are willing to open up and share so much about their lives, their ideas, and their dreams to a community, and they deserve positive support for that. If you have a varying opinion, that’s fine, but we all have to remember to “think before we comment/blog”, and remember that while this is just words you read on a monitor, there is a young lady with a heart typing these words out.
I understand your need for a policy, and I fully support it! Again, can’t people just live by the Golden rule? If it was something you think would hurt you to hear it, don’t write it/say it.
Best of luck Mrs. Bee!
I was taking a break from wedding blogs, so I missed Miss Broccoli’s departure, but I feel terrible for her just the same.
While I’m generally fairly libertarian, I don’t extend that to individual websites the way I might to the internet at large or society in general.
I think that if need be, it’s perfectly fine to police comments as strictly as seems necessary, and I don’t even think it’s necessary to have it all written down and posted in black and white.
To me, it’s kind of like we’re not in public, we’re in a private residence of sorts, and the hostesses can be as welcoming or as exclusive as they see fit. To me, it’s silly for people to cry unfair in this kind of environment and I trust you will find the right balance between openness and exclusion based on the kind of community you wish to foster.
In my view, it’s a good idea to get some of it written down but more for the purpose of developing a sense of how you want to operate, than as a list to stick to strictly, and a lot can be left up to the editors and the bloggers discretion to evolve as they see fit.
I fully support the immediate deletion of inappropriate comments and banning of ip addresses if necessary.
I agree that it is in your every right to delete hurtful, make no sense, just plain mean, comments. It’s your blog, your right. Hopefully, it will be 1 out of 50, so it’s nobody’s loss. On the feminist blogs I read, I get really mad that people complain that their comment was deleted since “it opposed” the viewpoint. Well, more than likely, it was an abusive comment that had no place in a decent conversation, much less on someone’s blog. Just because the internet gives you some privacy shouldn’t mean you exploit it to say hurtful things you (hopefully) would never say right to a person’s face. *Also, I feel really horrible that Miss Broccoli had to leave because of that fiasco!
I fully support a comment policy! I liked Miss Broccoli, and I feel bad that she basically got attacked in the comments. I have noticed a change in the tone here. As everyone else has mentioned, there is a difference between disagreeing and being mean spirited.
I think the best way is to post a policy and keep it somewhere on the site. Delete nasty comments, and let the poster know that they have crossed the line.
i think you are making a good decision mrs. bee. i was just thinking last night how some of the reactions to posts made me think i had stumbled upon the knot’s board by mistake. i’m sorry to see miss broccoli go especially since i felt she add a new perspective to the wedding industry and hopefully with these steps as some other commenters noted [deleting rude comments, warning commenters] that’ll hopefully keep another bee from leaving.
also, to comment on the defense of “true opinions” and “keeping it real,” I don’t see that as a defense at all. it’s quite possible to be frank and honest while being civil!
If someone offers that defense and you begin to question your judgment, Mrs. Bee, think about whether it would be appropriate for someone to say that to someone’s face, like for example a coworker that you see regularly, but aren’t especially close to. You probably won’t feel so over sensitive when you look at it that way.
I vote that any of the bloggers–who have, after all, been screened–be allowed to delete any comment.
There’s a wee chance that someone might run crying to the first amendment, but I’ve got the Bill of Rights open in another window, and it doesn’t grant anyone the right to be pointlessly mean.
The appeal of WeddingBee for me is the fairly small size of the community. I look for certain icons because I know these people have similar styles to mine, and I HOPE I only comment when I have something worthwhile to say, that can benefit other folks who have been drawn to that original post.
I’ve got it: the Mister Ed Comment Policy: only speak if you have something to say.
I think if you wanted to instate a comment policy, you’d have to seriously consider what is ‘crossing the line.’ If people don’t feel they can disagree with a blogpost or a blogger, then the amount of sharing of ideas may seriously decline. But I also agree with everyone who said that people shouldn’t feel as though they are being personally attacked. I also think that sometimes comments can be misinterpreted with a certain tone that the writer didn’t intend. Maybe the best policy would be for you to email a commenter initially, if you felt their comment may have been over the line. This could serve as a sort of ‘warning’. If a comment is just plain offensive or rude, however, it seems perfectly appropriate to delete it straight away.
Take a leaf from digg.com’s book. Let commenters give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to every comment. Good, funny, and helpful comments will get lots of thumbs up. Bad comments that serve no use except to get people down will get a thumbs down (a red). With enough thumbs down comments, the mean comment will be buried (you can still click on it to see what it said, but it will not be seen unless you do that). Put the trust in the whole of the weddingbee community, let us screen the comments for you.
I think that is a much better idea than personally screening every comment or banning IP addresses.
I think it’s great that this is being talked about. It is truly unfortunate what happened to Ms. Broccoli. She had a different spin on things that was great to read about. As far as a solution goes, my thoughts are instead of giving a warning to people who post inappropriate comments, what if you asked them to rewrite their opinion so it can be positive criticism, instead of just being mean criticism with a disclaimer that if they don’t rewrite the offensive material it will not be posted. Having said that I completely agree with kdsbride, this would be very time consuming. To save Mrs. Bee the headache of this so she can continue her wonderful work, what if the other Bees monitored their comments made to their posts and forwarded the one’s they think are inappropriate to Mrs. Bee. This would also give a double screening process.
Mrs. Bee- please do something. Don’t let this turn into the knot. I stay off the any board except the local ones (and those have only recently been civilized) because they are so rude. I think repeat offenders should be deleted…
Maybe you could follow a similar policy to Craigslist. Give pollsters an option to “report” a comment and then decide if you want the comment deleted based upon it’s intention, etc. WeddingBee is a wonderful site and I love that it so real. Real people planning weddings for budgets that are not in the realm of the ridiculous (celebrity or Junior League). Admittedly, I have a playfully sarcastic sense of humor and view of life in general, but I can’t understand why anyone would feel the need to intentionally cause hurt. It would be a shame if you had to “police” the site. I appreciate the diversity of comments and hope you can make it work so everyone can continue to enjoy it.
I like Annie’s idea =)
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One of the main reasons I read Weddingbee religiously is because of the kind atmosphere and general helpful attitude of commenters. I would appreciate rude comments being deleted. Of course there is some discretion involved in deciding what is rude, but I think Mrs. Bee has great judgment and will make wise decisions for the betterment of this site.
AAAAh, what you all are talking about is good old fashioned censorship. Just delete what you don’t like. Frankly I am shocked at how everyone seems to agree with this policy, or maybe the people who don’t are just getting deleted. It is Ms. Bee’s site and she can do what she wants, but she will be creating a totally new Wedding Bee when she starts censoring. She will be creating the wedding community that we all wished existed…where noone goes to weddings and criticizes the dress, the cake, the cold food, the tacky dinner toast. My mother just told me that the smile I have in my paper’s wedding announcement was “funny looking.” My grandmother also doesn’t approve of my fiance because he is Jewish and he is 23 years older. This is life folks. It isn’t perfect. I would be happier if it was, but it isn’t. Do I look at Wedding Bee every day because I want to pretend that my wedding will be perfect? No, I look at it for practical advise and ideas. Ms. Broccoli’s posting about the proper way to deceive all her coworkers was a little bizarre. Why do you think all those people posted the way they did? Because it was an entirely NORMAL post? And it was THEIR faults that they reacted to the fact that what she was doing seemed abnormal? When you start to censor, the site won’t really be a blog anymore. Just my opinion. Hopefully it will make the cut.
I think censorship in any form is a very bad idea. You are embarking upon a slippery slope once you decide to ban unpopular opinions. The beauty of a public forum is that different people have different thoughts. Homogeneity leads to mediocrity.
I dare say that Miss Broccoli was overly sensitive. Not everyone will always agree with any given viewpoint. Not everyone will always be polite about such disagreement. I think that each blogger should have a modicum of “thicked skin-ness” to deal with any criticisms. Aside from Miss Broccoli, I think all the current (and past) bloggers have evidenced this necessary trait.
I re-read the “harsh” comments that Miss Broccoli received. They weren’t really that mean. Moreover, any mature person should be able to write off those comments as petty and be able to ignore them and move on.
Banning and deleting is an extraordinarily bad idea.
One good thing about having a bit of dissention is that it makes you stronger. The strongest religions all have vehement dissenters and wars. The strongest brands (walmart, pepsi, etc) all have anti-sites out there such as walmartsucks.com and so forth. So the value if there is any in having this sort of dissention is that it brings the believers closer together. It brings those who love WeddingBee for its personal, friendly and honest (whatever you decide that means) atmosphere - they’ll stay and build the best community they can.
Good luck! Me, I’d allow dissention but not snark. Telling someone to “get therapy” is too close to “you need therapy” which is libel and you really don’t need libelous comments on here.
M
thank you mrs. bee for trying to make weddingbee.com a more friendly and helpful place. i too, don’t read theknot for the same reasons as the other brides above.
i’m just sad that miss broccoli decided to leave. i felt like i related to her approach at wedding planning. and was wondering where she was. it’s sad that she got her feelings hurt during such a stressful and sensitive time.
AMEN!! One thing is to have a different opinion, another thing is to be rude. Thak you for doing something about it.
I think mean and snarky comments should be deleted. I trust that Mrs. Bee will figure out the best way to do this, but I do like the Craigslist model of allowing the community to remove those posts.
As a counselor, I want to say that it’s disheartening that women do this to one another. Don’t we have a hard enough time proving our value in this world without having to do so to one another? We wouldn’t tolerate this sort of negativity from others– why should we tolerate it here in a community of strong, talented, creative women?
kudos on taking charge mrs. bee! i remebering reading those comments and how rude they were. one of the reason i love weddingbee is because of the great advice and support that it provides. i’m exicted that mean and rude comments will not be allowed!
I see that the censorship has already begun. My comment has been “awaiting moderation” while four others have been published after my initial comment.
I think it’s best to delete the snarky comments and put a message up saying “comment deleted by administrator”. I’ve seen this done on other sites.
I’m sorry to hear the Ms Broccoli left. Did her wedding turn out wonderful. I can’t believe some people. Thanks for taking charge Mrs. Bee.
i’m in the minority here, but i am all for (mostly) open commenting. i think that egregiously nasty, or mean-without-a-point, comments can be deleted, if people feel that’s really necessary. however, i have said before and will say again now: we, as Bees, put ourselves out there. open to whatever the various commenters have to say. it doesn’t mean we’re looking for snark or cruelty, but it’s going to happen from time to time. hopefully, the nasty commenters (if there are any with that express purpose) will be ignored and just lose interest…
i think that, yeah, people may have been tough on Miss Broccoli, but i also think she put herself out there with something she had to recognize was going to be evoke a bit of controversy. it’s the way the cookie crumbles. the thing is, you can only be hurt by people to whom you give the power to hurt you. (or so i tell myself!)
i’m all about thicker skins and less comment monitoring but understand that mine is not the popular opinion. i just hope comment deleting is restricted to only the extreme cases of nastiness…
I believe there’s a difference between being open and frank for good intentions and being mean and nasty just to get some attention. I think Mrs. Bee should reserve the right to “edit content” if it will mean losing a Bee. I am all for free speech, but this site is meant to be helpful and positive. If someone wants to be mean spirited, there’s no room for them here! =)
I too think major offenders that are just plain rude should be warned. I like the idea of reporting abuse to the editors (mrs. bee and ms. firefly). It’s like being in a party with a group of people, some friends some strangers. If one person makes a bad comment, wouldn’t it be right to say, “That’s not ok” then if it continues, you ask them to leave.
The problem is that it Can go bad. Ever had to tell someone to leave a party? It usually doesn’t go well. Feet stomping, raised voices and so on. But the next day you may talk about amongst yourselves and then forget about it afterwards. But you still remember the great party! Because that is what Weddingbee is and you want to make the party fun!
It sucks that ppl. post mean comments to purposely hurt other ppl. I think its important for ppl. to be able to voice their opinion BUT if the comment is purposely meant to be mean, I think you guys have a right to delete it since it serves no constructive purpose.
Delete what you deem inappropriate. It’s entirely reasonable.
Hooray for taking a stand against rudeness!
IMHO, there is no place for snarky comments in a site that thrives off of being a community. To me, the appeal of weddingbee is the community, and no one wants to be a part of a community that’s negative! Constructive criticism is one thing (and from what I can tell, welcomed here), but comments that criticize without being constructive really don’t serve any purpose!
I like the idea of readers reporting a nasty comment should one appear, and the editor having the right to delete any suspect comments.
I agree with Mrs Daisy. While I do not promote incivility, I think all this talk of policing comments is sad. While Miss Broccoli leaving Wedding Bee is unfortunate, should we have insulated her from the general consensus? Id hate to see WeddingBee become a group of mean girls. But I would stop reading the comments section altogether if it was merely a gush only forum. All too often, I feel brides here are merely looking for validation of their own viewpoints.
shelley: if i told you that your post is FULL OF IT and that you’re contradicting yourself by defending the mean commentors for having their own opinion and then calling ms broc’s post (which is her own opinion) bizarre and that you should get therapy for thinking censorship is the issue here….would your reaction really be “life isn’t perfect” and “hey, dels is entitled to her opinion”? or would you take it personally. and would you feel the need to defend your position…
what the other commentors are suggesting is not for disagreeable comments to be eliminated…it’s more of a plea for the BEES to monitor the attitude in which ideas are shared. and, at the end of the day, “get therapy” is not an idea and really does NOT need to be shared. it’s not censorship; it’s a way for this forum to maintain its strong, positive community of ideas and support without having to worry about the blatant haters.
I hadn’t read the original post from Miss Broccoli that started all the nasty comments, but just took a browse to see what all the fuss was about.
Like many people who’ve commented above, Weddingbee has always been a gathering place for us to connect, share and hear what other brides and past bride’s are experiencing. Its a safe place where trust comes into play and real feelings are put out in public for all to see.
Now, while I don’t personally agree with everyone’s posts - sometimes I’m astonished about what the bee’s write or post, sometimes I may think a Bee’s been a little to personal, or silly or just written about something that I can’t relate to, but I keep it to myself.
I think its really important for us to be responsible ADULTS and realize if we’re adding a hurtful comment, its a personal attack on the Bee in question and really unnecessary. If these users want to be mean-spirited, there are plenty of wedding blogs to do so and they should certainly avoid Weddingbee for their out of place rants.
Mrs. Bee, I think it should be up to you ultimately, but I am largely in favor of an editor deleting posts on behalf of the greater good. I for one, do not want to see Weddingbee go downhill because of a few obnoxious individuals who don’t know how to play nice. It’s really sad.
Aren’t we all in this together??
Speaking of incivility, I know that we’re using Miss Broccoli’s case as an example. But I think Miss Emerald’s situation with the videographer Daniel is also a good example. I felt that many commenters were mean-spiritedly bashing Daniel the videographer, even after he apologized. I hoping policing comments will be a two way street.
Mrs. Bee, I am all for deleting those childish posts, as long as you protect yourself and the site legally…I am one of those who always assumed my comments were being screened anyway. The actual bees’ blogs get screened and approved, why shouldn’t commentors?
I completely disagree with Shelley–give Mrs. Bee a little credit, please! She’s not going to delete anything except the absolute nastiest and most insulting posts that serve no purpose. I don’t go to the knot anymore because it’s become completely vicious and–bottom line–UNHELPFUL because of all the negativity. I really hope weddingbee can stay above all that nastiness.
It may be censorship…but we’re not just talking about “dissention” or differening beliefs when it comes to comments–we’re talking about horribly unkind and rude comments meant to personally attack someone.
A “report” option might help Bee know what’s out there, and she can determine if it’s truly libelous or just a difference of opinions.
I am in the camp that will warn you though that many of these options include more work for you, Bee. And a lot of the options might easily be taken advantage of (the reporting option makes it easy for people to act anonymously and often–one might begin reporting another poster just because of that dissention, even if it’s not truly hurtful or slander). Anyway, keep that in mind.
dels, you are entitled to your opinion. I’m very happy you have the opportunity (at this current moment) to express it on weddingbee.com. After the censorship policy comes into effect (which clearly it will as the majority of folks on here support it) you best make sure you are feeling positive any time you wish to post something. Or, you better hope that whoever is doing the censoring “gets you” and interprets your comment as positive.
So..I’m not quite sure how I feel about this. I’ve gotten my fair of nasty and some what rude comments. One of my first posts was about how excited I was to register and a poster told me how sinful that was and that there were people without houses. Well, der. While I was mildly offended by the post..I realized that she was the crazy one. And other people defended me. I actually go back and read it every once and a while and it makes me laugh.
There are other times that people just don’t agree with something that I’m doing. And yes, my feelings get hurt. But, like Miss Daisy said, I put myself out there. And at the end of the day, I don’t know these people and I’m no worse for the wear.
On the knot, there are a lot of tacky things—but I don’t feel the need to knock people for them. I personally hate mirror centerpieves. I’m not going to bash someone for it. If Idon’t have something nice to say–I don’t say anything at all.
Miss Plum has posted about how she is doing lighting and I don’t understand why people offer unsolicited advice as to why she SHOULD NOT do it. Well, she didn’t ask if she should or should not do it. I never even considered lighting as something that could be done–and I think that is in part, what weddingbee is all about. Reading other people’s experiences and learning about new ideas.
That’s just my opinion. I think we should keep most of the comments up (except ones that are exceptionally hateful..i.e. name calling) and let the bees defend themselves and other readers. It seems that most people are in agreement of what is and what isn’t nasty. Commenters will have their freedom of speech protected and other people can point out what they deem rude and unnecessary as well.
Shelley…
I think the idea here is that you aren’t going to get your comment deleted for having a differing opinion or for dishing some constructive criticism. You might get your comment delted for being plain rude and hurtful, such as: “Get some therapy.”
First. I think, that since this is Mrs. Bee’s site, she has the right to do what she wants to do with it.
Second. Based on that - I think it is wise to throw that disclaimer in - that the administrators of the site reserve the right to remove any comments deemed inappropriate or perceivably offensive to others.
Third, the topic is weddings! It’s a free exchange of ideas. I hope that people can express their opinions in a constructive intelligent way instead of nyah nyahs and name calling. At least you’d hope so. It stinks that a handful of people would ruin it for everyone else.
And fourth. I am sorry that Miss Broccoli was hurt :(. I think I commented on that entry. I hope it wasn’t mean! Because sometimes I can be blunt myself. But I don’t think I took issue with what she did. It’s her decision about what she wants. Screw what everyone else has to say about it. I can understand the desire to maintain privacy. It’s no one else’s business unless you decide you want to put it out there.
Constructive criticism- yes. Nastiness- delete… More than one offense- ban user. Everybody has their off days but there’s no need to be mean consistently.
Delete the inappropriate. But really, if someone blogs to the world and won’t tell their co-workers, well that’s a bit odd. And no, I did not know this until now and did not miff miss broccoli!
Constructive commentary is what we are all looking for. If someone disagrees with you that doesn’t make it mean or snarky. It is another opinion. I think people often confuse this distinction. Especially when the topic is about interpersonal relations and not your choice of favors for example. (I didn’t see the Miss Brocoli post, so I”m not commenting on that one.) However, if they unecessarily put you down or insult you then yes, that should be avoided.
If you do a comment policy, I think it would be great to see when something has been deleted or edited. To just remove it and have later readers never see the removal evidence doesn’t show us that you are working on keepint the environment helpful. Often times I don’t get to a post till it is long quiet, and seeing that others are commenting about a comment, but not being able to see it just gets confusing.
just as a clarification, we were using miss broccoli’s post as an example, but there have been other instances where abuse/threats were blatantly clear. and before the problem got out of hand, we felt a comment policy was important to address.
i was wondering what happened to miss broccoli! poor girl. i assume the author of the posts receives email notification when comments are posted? i think the author has a right to delete comments that are rude/offensive.
lets remember what our mother taught us: if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. we’re all adults here. we clearly know the difference btwn constructive criticism and what’s plain mean spirited/unnecessary comments.
save the drama for your mama. keep weddingbee a fun place for great wedding ideas!
Someone made a comment about a bride from a rural area commenting things that have to do with a bride from a metropolitan area not being able to “see” spending so much on a “party”…and then suggesting they can’t see it because they don’t have it.
I don’t think that’s what the majority of “rural” posters are thinking. As a “rural” bride myself, I am fully aware of the cost difference in getting married say, in New York, compared to a rural area. I think comments on money can get rude, but they don’t have to be. I think a lot of what these posters are saying is that if they had a limitless budget that they may spend their money differently than someone who is spending what is considered by most to be a huge amount of money on a specific aspect of the wedding, not that they can’t “see” spending so much money. It’s just a matter of personal opinion. To put it simply, let’s say I had a $75K budget. With all that extra money, I may have a very nice $30K wedding (or even $50K in a more urban area)and then maybe put the rest to some other use. It really depends on what is important to you - I guess what I’m trying to say is…there is a difference between having the money and truly wanting to spend it a beautiful, meaningful day, and having a lot of money and focusing all your attention on impressing all your guests with opulent details.
With all due respect, I just think people who have been around money their whole lives and are planning a hugely opulent wedding should just be very grateful for the opportunity (which I’m sure most are!) and keep the complaining to a minimum (which I’m not saying happens necessarily). Unfortunately, money speaks volumes in the ability to secure everything during your wedding planning. Wedding planning can be a wonderful, exciting time, but for those of us with very limited budgets, it’s just an added stress, plain and simple.
So, that’s just where I think some of the posts people are commenting on are coming from. I don’t think it should be made out to be that girls with smaller budgets just don’t “understand” what it could possibly be like to have a big budget wedding.
I joined weddingbee because I wanted to contribute to a community that was SAFE for other women like me to exchange ideas and advice. I am sure alot of women can appreciate that. I loved blogging. I happen to be getting married, enjoyed DIY crafts and I have a limited budget. All things that I thought many other brides could sympathize with. But when the community is no longer “safe” and the integrity of the site is being questioned, then I think it’s time to do something about it.
As a long time reader, I enjoyed the friendly community of both the bloggers and readers. If it didn’t relate to me then I just skipped over it. Oh well, what’s the big deal.
As a blogger, yeah I put myself out there and there are going to be things that hurt my feelings. For the most part, I think we’ve all been doing a great job. I have great readers who offer some awesome advice all the time! If there are semi-rude comments, sarcasm, something snippy sounding..I take it all with a grain of salt. Because I know when I am sarcastic, it doens’t always come out right either. But even that snippiness or someone questioning me as to why on earth are you doing that??!!! makes me think and I learn from it so it’s okay with me. But when commenters are straight out name calling, that’s just wrong.
And I just want to know why commenters are leaving nasty comments in the first place? Aren’t we all in the same boat here???
I know there are already 70 comments, and hardly the need for another on this topic, but I must say that the reason I fell in love with Weddingbee was the helpful atmosphere and the diverse perspectives on this lifestyle that is “wedding planning”. Unfortunately, I have noticed more hurtful comments as well. While it’s important for different opinions to be voiced, there is difference between constructive criticism and hurtful words. I hope weddingbee readers can realize this.
Perhaps moderating the comments would be good, though where is the line drawn?
In any case, I’m sorry to hear that miss broccoli will no longer be posting. She was a fun, spunky addition to the team of bloggers. I wish her luck with her wedding and hope that she knows that many of us appreciated her posts.
At 77 plus comments, I’m sure this doesn’t matter, but I haven’t read this simple point- there are other wedding sites out there, if you want to post rude, snarky comments, find a site that wants it. WeddingBee isn’t one of them, plain and simple.
I think that snarky or mean-spirited comments should be deleted. While it’s a form of censorship, the Bees have put in a lot of thought and effort in creating the supportive Weddingbee community, and it should be their prerogative to do what is necessary to maintain that supportive environment.
It’s already very stressful to plan a wedding. No bride-to-be Bee should have to face snarky or mean-spirited comments from others, much less strangers. If people don’t have something nice to say, they should keep it to themselves or else go post on the knot boards. The months leading up to a wedding should be as happy and carefree as possible for each Bee.
I have mixed feelings on this, too, because I do want Weddingbee to be a friendly place for brides to refer to and for them to enjoy visiting. However, I also want for it to be a well-rounded community and for readers to be able to have an honest voice as well.
I think there is a great difference between being plain mean and politely disagreeing with and/or questioning a post. The problem I can foresee is how to decide which comments are which. It is hard to gauge, over the internet, the main purpose of someone’s comment (for a Bee, especially if it’s on her post!). There are some comments with a jealous or spiteful flavor that seem to be posted with the sole purpose of making the poster feel badly. Then there are other comments that also say negative things, but the purpose seems to be merely to state their (opposing) opinion. If there was an objective and clearcut way to categorize these sorts of comments I would be all for deleting the pointless, mean-spirited ones. But if the only way to do it was to delete all remotely negative comments, I’d be more inclined to leave the community open comment-wise.
In the past week I got a rather mean comment on one of my previous posts — and initially, yes, I was a little peeved at the implied tone. But in the end, it’s Mr. Plumeria’s and my opinion that matters, not theirs, and once I remembered that, I was fine.
I think it’s all part of being a Bee, to be honest — you’re putting yourself up in front of more than a countryful of wedding-obssessed ladies. There’s going to be differing opinions and we would hope that everyone would be able to express themselves and refrain from being outright mean. But even when that’s not the case, a nasty comment reflects more on the character of the commenter than the decisions of the Bee whose post is being criticized… I think we all know this.
Unless the community becomes overridden with nasty comments, maybe you can leave it open and handle the truly mean ones on a case by case basis, depending on how the Bee whose post it was on feels?
That is terrible that Miss Broccoli decided not to post anymore! I really liked her (I like all of the bees!).
I agree with you that downright mean comments should be removed. If you can’t at least put your opposing view nicely then it should not be “put” at all.
I enjoy weddingbee because while everyone may have a different opinion no one has ever been mean about it.
Good luck with this Mrs. Bee. It’s a real shame it has had to come to this!
That is such a bummer that a small few have to ruin it for the whole. I’m not the least but tech savy, but I would think that holding comments for review and approval before publishing them might do the trick. If time permits, an email to that person might clear up any misunderstanding, unless they are down-right rude — then it’s an outright ban!
I have to say I liked Annie’s idea: ” Let commenters give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to every comment.” Snarky and rude comments will be buried, but positive or differing opinions will be given the green light by other viewers. This way, we all still see any comment, no one is completely censored, and we don’t accidentally ban entire universities or businesses.
Along with all the other gals that read this site religiously, I read it because it is soooo friendly and everyone really helps everyone out with information. I have never seen such friendly brides and to-be-brides be as friendly as I do here!! I love it!
Thank you Mrs. Bee for bringing this up! This same reason is why I stopped looking at other wedding websites. Some people can be just down right rude and then that ruins the fun for the brides that are trying to plan their weddings and make it as fun as they can!
I like Annie’s idea! That is awesome! Thumbs up!!
Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I’ll offer my two cents (that are clearly a day late and a dollar short).
I have noticed some snippy comments left on some bees’ blog posts. If it’s your blog entry, as one of the PP’s mentioned, it’s hard not to take it personally. I guess in those situations, I go back to some school professional development training and “presume positive intentions.” Otherwise, the comments are simply ignored.
Deleting the obviously awful ones is fine, but disagreement, sarcasm, and an amount of snipping is, I think, to be expected to some degree. I am hoping that commenters, like bloggers, won’t feel afraid to share their real feelings about the course of wedding planning. One of the reasons I like Weddingbee is because it’s real brides planning real weddings and there’s a free-flowing exchange of ideas. I’d hate for someone to self-censor thinking they’d possibly get in trouble when their real intention was to help another poster out.
I just went back and re-read Ms. Broccoli’s posts and the comments on those posts that Mrs. Bee referenced as one of the motivations for creating a comment policy. I agree with WeezerMonkey. The only ones that I thought were overly cruel/personal were the ones saying she should see a therapist (another topic would be why people use seeing a mental health professional as a means to insult someone, but anyway). I’m worried that an over-zealous comment policy would ban comments like Mrs. Daisy’s that expressed disagreement or asked for more information to explain an issue that struck the reader with disbelief. I think slippery-slope arguments are inherently weak, but I do think weddingbee is faced with one here. What is unreasonable? If someone asks if something is okay to do, and commenters say it’s tacky, is that unreasonable? Does reasonableness only equate with no hurt feelings? I hope not. If I don’t think something is a good idea and the post asks for opinions, am I not allowed to say so? So many of the above commenters chime that there’s a way to disagree politely, but I think when the time comes they really just want unanimity and compliments. I realize the Ms. Broccoli debacle is only one of the motivations (and frankly I thought the comments to that poor videographer were MUCH ruder) but if weddingbee is just supposed to be a lovefest of agreement, I’ll stick with The Knot, thank you. Sometimes the truth hurts, and if I have a tacky idea I’d like to know it before I implement it at my wedding! It might hurt my feelings for a moment, but hopefully if I’m mature enough to get married I’m mature enough to handle people disagreeing with me.
If readers think a comment is out of line, I think they should call the commenter on it. Also, the bees should be able to ask Mrs. Bee to remove comments that are just too hurtful. Otherwise, I think Mrs. Bee should have full editorial authority- after all, it is her site, and her sensibilities should prevail. She has never been less than tolerant of diverse opinions- if a comment truly has no value but to provoke, and is upsetting the community or the poster, I think she needs to have the editorial authority to make decisions about what is and isn’t appropriate on her site.
kudos to mrs bee for addressing this. it is a tough topic to discuss.
i for one love weddingbee for its kind and helpful nature and for the bees and commenters’ diverse opinions, but like others have stated, there is always a nice way to say things. i also, have probably had my bad days too where i have left a comment that wasn’t intentionally mean spirited, but may have come off that way. for those comments, i try to apologize when i realize… and sometimes, it isn’t intuitive to me right away that the comment may have been inappropriate. because we are a community, i think we are quick to come to the defense of a blogger because they’ve opened themselves up to us and invited them into their lives and may relate to them as a friend. in real life, i would be the first to jump to the defense of a friend… but alas, two negatives don’t always make a positive. because of that, i think the first few offenses should be warnings… but for people that are chronic offenders, i think it is perfectly reasonable to delete or moderate their comments if you have the manpower to do so.
in all honesty, there is one commenter who repeatedly makes me sad and uncomfortable when i see her comments but i try to tell myself that we all have different personalities, and maybe she’s just a bit more blunt than my liking. maybe i should just grow thicker skin, but i would be lying to say that i wouldn’t mind if her comments were being moderated because her negatively worded comments bring negative feelings to an otherwise positive and constructive community. while some of the things she says can be constructive, it can be lost in vain due to her tone. because of that, i’m torn. where do you draw the line from constructive to blunt to just plain mean?
This is Mrs Bee’s site, and if she wants to delete a post, for whatever reason, it’s not censorship, it’s editing. That said, I think that obviously abusive or nasty or crazy posts should be deleted, however, disagreement and constructive criticism without nastiness is part of an ongoing discourse. Who wants to read a blog that’s nothing but gushing posts? I’ve seen that on other sites and it’s tiresome. On the other hand, I hope Weddingbee doesn’t become The Knot, either. When you post on a blog, either as a blogger or commenter, you open yourself up to everyone and anyone out there. The Internet is not a place for sensitive souls, even on a fun site such as Weddingbee, as it touches many sensitve spots such as money, regional rivalry, ethnicity, & tradition. Unfortunate things will be posted, it’s inevitable.
My suggestions: delete truly offensive posts. If a poster has nothing more to contibute than nasty, attacking comments, and continues doing so, then ban that person. But I think those will be fairly rare occsasions. As the great Sulla said, (adapted), “It’s only a party, it’s only a party, it’s only a party!” We’re talking about weddings here, people! Lighten up! Have fun. Don’t get your knickers in a twist over someone else’s comment. Remember, it’s a public site, any yahoo can post. Ignore them. (I need to remember to take my own advice…)
i think you should adopt the kind of commenting policy that consumerist uses:
http://consumerist.com/consumer/announcements/consumerist-comments-faq-139496.php
i think the pros and cons are pretty clear, but i’m also tired and my eyes are killing me so i won’t elaborate haha
j - i agree that many of the comments on miss emerald’s videography post were definitely out of line, and that’s one of the reasons this comment policy topic has been raised.
we’re not looking to instate an overzealous comment policy - thus far we’ve only deleted a handful of comments that were clearly abusive and over the line.
we’ve never deleted a comment simply because it expressed disagreement.
some people equate any type of moderation at all with censorship. but there are some comments that i think most everyone would agree have no place on any site. ultimately weddingbee is a privately run site and we do have the right to instate any type of comment policy we desire, but i think we’ve tried very hard to include the community’s feedback in all our major decisions, including this one.
to be honest, i do have very strong feelings about what type of comments do and don’t have a place on weddingbee. when i first started this site, it was definitely one of my goals to create a positive atmosphere where people planning their weddings could share ideas, advice, stories, etc. specifically because i’d had negative experiences on other sites.
that being said, i definitely don’t want a site where everyone agrees with each other. i do think you can completely disagree with a blogger/commenter; yes you can say that you think something is “tacky”…. but you can get your point across while being civil. there is no need to resort to ad hominem attacks which have no bearing on the argument and serve no constructive purpose. attack the point or idea… not the person.
i’d like to hope that we all want a base level of civility and respect for one another.
wow..i guess i missed the stir w/ miss emerald’s videographer…
but i agree w/ what you said mrs bee - i remember you made it clear that weddingbee was created to be diff. from other wedding websites that do have that snarkiness…
those mean-spirited comments on miss broccoli’s entries were hard to see… :T
i think mean, rude, or snarky comments should be deleted…
and if those people will go through high waters to continue posting mean things, maybe you can ban their IPs? hmm..it is quite a senstive issue, in regards to banning ppl and etc…
it would all be good as long as we all leave constructive comment (not koombaya 24/7) but civil and polite at least, ya know?
i’ve been reading weddingbee since it was a xanga site, and i appreciate how it’s such a friendly and kind community.
mrs. bee, this is your site, and you set the tone of it. it is unfortunate that not everyone can follow your lead. but as weddingbee grows and becomes more popular, your job as the website creator involves more “crowd control,” and as we all know, people find it easier to be unkind where they are more anonymous. i trust your judgement, and i don’t believe that you would be cautious to the point of censorship.
moderation is totally appropriate. honestly, reading those (thankfully few) horrible, mean comments turns me off the site as a whole because i try to avoid negativity in general.
i hate to see comments and forums turn into either bitchfests with people either abusing the poster (mrs. broccoli) OR people being unreasonably horrible as a group against other people (the deal with miss emerald’s photographer).
i am glad you are addressing this issue here — your openness and direct communication with your readers about things like this or even little website changes is something that makes weddingbee stand out!
its a simple and common gesture. if you have nothing good to say, don’t say it. This is suppose to be a fun filled, and helpful community because obviously, we’re all here on this site for one reason. we want to share/get wedding tips from each other. we’re here to help each other, not scare people away.
Ms. Bee…..the definition of the verb “censor” is “to forbid the public distribution of”. Therefore, there is no nicer way to describe what the majority here is advocating. If it sounds unsavory, that’s because it is. That said, yes, it is your site and you may do what you like. But for one final time before censorship becomes the official policy here, let’s not sugarcoat it and let’s call it what it is: censorship. You know, the people that you guys think are snarky and mean, those same people will be attending your weddings. You can’t get away from humanity, they are everywhere. You may exclude them from this forum, but they will be at your weddings, at the resort where you take your honeymoon, in the cubicle next to you at work. Perhaps you want to create wedding bee to be a place where you can get away from it all. That’s fine. But don’t promote the site as completely realistic and honest because once the censoring begins it won’t be.
Shelley–my dictionary, the Merriam Webster’s Collegiate, defines the transitive verb “censor” as “to examine in order to suppress or delete anything objectionable.” I doubt anyone would object if Mrs Bee removed the objectionable posts of spammers who were trying to sell penis enhancement creams, or even trying to sell wedding items. I work for a publishing company, and occasionally a frustrated aspiring author accuses us of “censorship” when we decline to publish their manuscript. We’re not a public body, we’re a private company, and we can publish what we like. It’s not censorship if we pick and choose the books and the content that we want to publish. It’s business. It’s the same thing with Weddingbee. You can get all high-handed about censorship, but we’re not talking about the restriction of free speech, we’re talking about extremely unpleasant attacks on bloggers and commenters. If the comments section becomes nothing but nastiness and fighting, people are going to stop reading, and this is a *commercial* site. It’s great to stand up for free speech, but the reality is that this site is a business, not the agora, and Mrs Bee has a responsibility to herself to make it as profitable as possible. It’s not going to be so if these trends continue. So let her run her site as she sees fit. She cares a great deal about the content of this site, and wants people to exchange ideas, not just agree about everything. Have a little faith.
Let us know when the policy is posted. Then users can decide if this is the place for them or not. Growing pains — better late than never to state expectations.
I think there is another factor that can be considered: Clarity of what comments are solicited by the postings (i.e., what the users are being asked to comment on or not).
Regarding Mrs. Broccoli’s post — I never noticed that this was a big deal worth quitting over (we thick-skinned New Yorkers learn to not take anything personally I guess), but I would suggest that her original post was vague (by design, because the point was that she was trying to be private which means she can’t share details) which led to a wide swing of opinion as people had a lot of leeway for their imaginations to fill in the blanks (is her diamond 10 carats, does she not love her fiance, is she not a jewelry girl, why does she mistrust her coworkers, are the older coworkers nosy or jealous?). Her clarification helped.
Maybe the new editor will help make sure the postings make clear what topic is up for discussion. A great example is the recent posting that had a disclaimer that the lighting designer was happening, so discussing whether to have it was not the question. Sometimes there is no question posed at the end of a post (which leaves the entire thing up for comment?), or sometimes the question does not seem to follow what you’d expect based on the title or direction of the post.
In some cases a “poll” might work better than a general toss-out when the point of the post is to serve as a litmus test for whether a really different idea is a hit or a miss. (That is, it’s poll-the-audience or 50/50, but not phone-a-friend.) Then the poll’s choices can express (in as funny or neutral terms as desired) the options, e.g., “a) Tacky, not at my wedding that Miss Manners planned herself, b) Only if I get my way on something else, c) Whatever, as long as I can cross it off my to-do list or it’s free, d) It’s your day, princess, be original, go for it!” vs. “a) Not for my wedding personally, b) Perhaps I could be talked into it with additional information, c) Neutral, no objection/opinion, d) Love it.” After getting an answer (a through d) ask on a scale of 1-10 how strongly they feel. Then people have expressed their “vote” without having to find the right words. Usually if I “vote” I don’t bother to comment.
I think if you ban the commenter, they will still find ways onto the site (make up a new name, e-mail, etc.).
What I love about Weddingbee is that the “norm” is good advice from friendly people. Other sites are indeed snarky, and I have stopped posting there for that very reason.
I think that snarky comments should be deleted. There can be a disclaimer on the comment page that says Weddingbee reserves the right to delete rude comments, as they do not serve the purpose of this website.
I applaud you for taking action, Mrs. Bee!