Fall Into the (Age) Gap
April 24th, 2007 @ 3:56 pm by Mrs. Pearl
First, let me say that I love the feature that Mrs. Bee installed on Weddingbee where you can mouse over a bee’s icon and see a quick synopsis about them, their wedding, etc. It really helps put a frame of reference on their posts and it’s nice to put a face to the blogger name. Through the course of looking at the bios of the different bees from time to time, I’ve noticed that I am quite exceptional in one way.
My fiance is older than me.
Now, I don’t mean by a month, or a year, or even 5 years. The day after our wedding day will be Mr. Pearl’s 38th birthday, which means he is approximately 11 years and 7.5 months older.
I used to have all these highly ridiculous rules about who I would and would not date, based upon what I thought would be “compatibility” — i.e. he wouldn’t drive a truck, he wouldn’t be more than four years older than me, he would share my political affiliation, etc. Now, of course I also had all the other normal stuff: funny, articulate, intelligent, well-read, interesting, sarcastic, loving, generous, and all the rest. Meeting Mr. Pearl kind of blew the mold with regard to my weirdo criteria. Not only is he much older, but he drives a truck and is more conservative than I.
The only real (albeit minor) “problem” I’ve encountered with our age difference thus far is that he’s closer to my mom’s age than mine…my mom is rather young. Yet it hasn’t been a big deal. Things I worried about initially–would he be too controlling/fatherly, get along with my younger friends, etc–have never been issues. Most people are shocked to find out he’s significantly older because we have so much in common. I say it’s because I have an old soul 
All of my family likes him, from my 7 year old nephew to my 60-something Nana. They’ve never had any issues with our age difference because they could always tell how much we loved each other (though truth be told, I think my Nana loves Mr. Pearl because he’s got strong European roots and is an engineer…she’s a sucker for both things ).
It seems so rare among wedding planning sites. Most of the bees here have fiances who are within a couple years of their age. My local Knot board doesn’t have many untraditionally-matched age pairs. Just curious if any other Weddingbee reader is in a similar situation. How did your family react?
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24 Responses to “Fall Into the (Age) Gap”
We don’t have a huge age gap but we’re the opposite too…my now husband is 2.5 years younger than me. Doesn’t sound like much…except that when we started dating, he was 18 (right before his b-day) and I was 21. When you can go to bars and your bf can’t…it’s weird. =) AND…he’s the same age as my middle brother. My friends still tease me that I’m a cradle robber but I feel like he’s an “old soul” too.
Well, it’s not relevant anymore, but I used to date a guy 9 years older with a child. Most people were thrown about the age more than the child- which was the only thing I cared about.
My dad used to call him “The old man Amber dates”, and all my friends used to ask unkind questions regarding him. All in all we broke up not because of any of those things, but more because of the distance.
My old friend married a man 13 years her senior- it’s her culture. She’s armenian/lebanese and that’s just normal. Her mother is 20 something years younger than her dad. The fact that my friend’s husband was graduating from 8th grade when she was born didn’t mean anything to her.
It’s in your frame of mind, I think. Who cares? You love each other and that’s all that matters. Sucks to get the insults, though.
I think it depends on where you are in life. My best friend has been dating a man 10 years her senior since we were 15. Strangely enough, her parents never had any problem with it. I think it was harder for us (her friends) to accept him, or them as a couple. Growing up, she constantly had to deal with questions and being the target of mean-spirited gossip. It was very hard for her, but they loved each other, and made it work.
Now that they are older, and in the same place in their lives, the age difference isn’t even a factor. They have one of the strongest relationships I’ve seen and are engaged to be married this summer!
My parents are 11 years apart and will be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary this year. They have only started to experience the age difference making a difference, since my father is now retired, both literally and mentally and my mother is far from ready for that.
If your guy is young at heart, you should be a.o.k. ! I know my siblings and I kept our dad young looking and acting, many were often surprised to hear his age - still are.
My fiance is also 11 years older than me. I don’t think it was a problem with my family (he also looks younger than his age, I think.. ) but I add that to the list of things that probably made his dad uncomfortable at first– I think he was suspicious about whether my interest was genuine, based on the age difference! Luckily, over time, I think he came to realize that we do have a very real connection… but it was a rocky path for a while.
My fiance is almost 8 years older than I am, but it never really seemed an issue. Maybe it’s because we’re a little older then you? I’m 33 and he’s 41. My family never had any issues (or if they did they were smart enough not to say anything).
I think the older you get, the less an age gap matters. My FI is 10 years older than me, but you would never guess (not sure if that is a testament to my maturity, or his immaturity!). In fact, when we first met, we both thought the other was 27 (for me, 5 years older than I actually was, for him 5 years younger than he actually was). The only time things get funny is when he says, when I graduated from high school in ‘88, and I interject “when I was in the 2nd grade”…..very funny game for me.
Now that I’m marrying someone older than me, I really can’t imagine being with someone who is the same age. My FI just has much more life experience and wisdom than I do, and I really value it.
my husband is 12 years older than me, closer in age to my mom than me. my family adores him and his age was never an issue. good luck to you!
my best friend is almost 20 years younger than her fiance and they have a very solid relationship. though it was kind of a hard adjustment for the friends AND family to get used to but we all did. he’s a great guy and i know he makes her incredibly happy.
This is going to sound very similar to lucky7bride’s comment, but my parents are 10 years apart. I always joke that for the most part it doesn’t matter unless you think about the fact that when my dad was a senior in highschool, my mom was in second grade! But they met when she was 24 and he was 34 so the age difference didn’t matter as much.
The biggest issue that has popped up recently is that my dad is now 75 and my mom is 65. My dad has some serious health issues and my mom is still raring to go. They have had a hard time adjusting to life like this, but they have worked through it. The most important thing to remember is that you chose to marry someone who was that much older than you, so you have to be willing to accept the differences that will become more obvious as you get older.
I’m seven years older. Age hasn’t been an issue to us, until this weekend. At the church picnic, an older couple initially thought he was my son! I was mortified until my best friends later assured me that I do not look I could be his mother. Whew.
My only experience with dating an older man was when I dated a guy 11 years my senior when I was 19 for three dates. I thought all was fine for the first and second date (when there was no physical contact, just flirting), but on the third date he placed his hand on my back and rubbed my back for just a second. It was a sweet gesture - not overly forward or anything, but it freaked me right out, it felt really fatherly and that was it for that relationship. There was no fourth date.
I wanted to tell you about my sister though. She met a guy in her tae kwon do class when she was 16, and he was 6 years her senior. They didn’t realize the age difference until they’d been on several dates together and had already fallen for each other. Kelsey actually tried to break it off with him but that didn’t last long, she had such strong feelings for him. A few people questioned it, but not her close friends or our family - we all could see how much they cared about each other. They lasted about 2 1/2 years and only broke up because of distance when my sister moved several provinces away for university.
My fiance is 9 years older than me. The age thing mostly comes up with pop-culture references from our youth. The weird thing when we started dating was that he was my brother’s roommate! Once everyone got over that, our ages weren’t an issue.
my bf is 5.5 years older. when we started dating i had just turned 20 so i didn’t tell my parents how old he was and i still haven’t mentioned it! we joke that they won’t find out until his 50th birthday party!
Mr Popcorn is 6 years older than I am and well established in his career, where as when we started dating, I was at loose ends having graduated from a professional program and not wanting to work in it. I’ll be starting school again a month after we marry to train for one that I now have the insight to see is a better fit. I guess that difference is probably bigger than our age difference, but nobody has given the slightest whiff that they care. Everyone can see how well we go together.
To the ladies with the younger SO’s: You’re probably in an even tougher spot than I am because no matter what a woman does, somehow it’s almost societally sacrilegious for a woman to date a younger man. Then there’s the whole “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” thing. Brava for going with your hearts!
To those with the older SO’s: Mr. Pearl and I totally do the same thing with our ages.
Example: We’re listening to the radio and Q-Tip’s “Vivrant Thing” comes on.
Me: “Man, that song is SO OLD! It’s like ‘one of the first songs I downloaded when that brand new invention called Napster was invented’ old. Like, when I was a freshman in college.”
Mr. Pearl: I was 30.
The best part was that his high school has old yearbook pages online and I saw a picture of him as a senior (RIOTOUSLY funny!!!). Then I look at the year, 1987, and we both laugh because I tell him that around the time he took that picture, I was the star of my kindergarten class
Yeah, I really like giving my BF a hard time about the fact that when he was in boot camp as an 18 year old, I was getting ready to go to summer camp for the first time as a 13 year old. It drives him crazy.
My stepdad is 10 years younger than my mom. They’ve been married 20 years and are pretty happy. Occasionally banks, doctors, etc will assume they have the birthdates mixed up and will try to “fix” it, but no major problems.
I am 9 years younger than my fiance and it has never been a problem with our respective families or between us. Most of our friends also don’t have a problem with it. The only people I have noticed have a problem with it are my fiances female friends who are his own age or sometimes older. I feel like I have to do a lot do be accepted by them. I got through to some of them and we get along really well but some of them are almost ageist and seem to think that I am too young to have a serious conversation with. I once overheard a conversation between two of them (a 30 year old and a 34 year old) where the 30 year old said her cousin was such a young girl, she had no idea what to talk to people like that and it made her uncomfortable having to have a conversation with her (the cousin). The 34 year old agreed: It was difficult to talk to people that young. Assuming they were talking about a 7 to 12 year old, I wanted to offer advise and said ‘How old is she?’ - the answer was 21.
I am 25, so that made ME feel very uncomfortable.
Some of them pretty much ignore me most of the time or try to get out of conversations when we happen to end up just the two of us. I have to add that these women are not really, really good friends of my fiance, so it doesn’t bother me that much. And most of them warm up to me as soon as they had something to drink (which I find totally odd, why am I ok to talk to as soon as they are drunk?). I think they are having a problem with the fact that I have an awesome fiance and will be married by the age of 26 when their boyfriends are not even willing to move in with them.
I am actually really a girls girl and have many female friends, some of them 10 or 15 years my senior but these women …
Anyway, I get along great with all the good friends of my fiance and that’s whats really important.
Ali makes an interesting point I hadn’t thought of. Running in the “older” circle when you are the youngest can be awkward… but the relative age gap will diminish with time.
For me, we are both the same age, but I tease him that I wish I were much older than him because my family has a tendency to reach extremely old age, whereas in his family the men die young. So he has to try and keep VERY healthy so he doesn’t leave me a widow for 20+ years; strangely enough this is what inspires him best to take care of his health.
Ali, that’s an interesting issue. Mr. Pearl’s friends are all older too, but I’ve never really had issues with their significant others. Part of it is that many of them aren’t in serious relationships. I can imagine how it can be awkward though. Like everything else, it will get better with time. Plus, maybe in 20 years or so, they’ll be asking you for tips on how to look younger and cuter
I’m so glad you posted:) I don’t feel so quite alone now.
I’m in a similar situation, but it’s reversed. I’m the older of the pair, while ldsgroom is 10 years younger than me.
It really didn’t phase me, as my parents are 19 years apart, my father being the older of the pair in that instance.
So my family has been ok with it, at first, much like yourself, thought we were both similarly aged.
His family, on the other hand, has been more vocal about the age difference. Well, vocal to him. They don’t like it, and it’s been pointed out to me by his Mom in oh-so-passive-aggressive comments:(
I’m being patient about the whole thing, but it’s tedious. She’s raised a great person, and I love her for it!
His Dad isn’t as negative, and when he had his chance, he got a sneak peek at me before the official meeting.
One word of advice to the ladies here, never divulge your age. ldsgroom an I thought we were each others ages, and when we discovered they weren’t, that’s when his Mom started into her objections.
Miss Pearl - Great post….My fiance is just about 10 years older than me…and yet, he’s still a kid at heart. We had so much in common, even our families were surprised (his family moreso because they thought he’d never get married!). My favorite thing? Teasing him about being about ready for social security (he’s only in his early thirties!)
Mrs. Pearl, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 26, High school history teacher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 37, Software engineer
Engagement Date: No official date, we just decided :-)
Wedding Date: July 2007
Venue: St. Anthony's Greek Orthodox Church, Ritz Carlton Huntington Hotel
About Me: Mr. Pearl and I have been together for about four and a half years now. We've been "engaged" since 2004 and were originally supposed to get married in June 2006, but postponed the wedding to July 2007. I love shopping for housewares and office supplies, music, reading chick lit, football, and the diverse world of Los Angeles dining.
So funny, I have the OPPOSITE situation. My beau is YOUNGER than me. By 4 years. Doesn’t sound like much, but when you consider the fact that I’m 28, and my little brother is 25… he’s actually younger than my little bro! This actually disturbed me a bit before I really got to know him.
In my situation, my parents liked my fiance right away (I think they just wanted me to settle down. hehe), but it took a while for my fiance’s parents to accept me. They wanted him to go back to school, get another degree, and experience other things before he settled down. Basically, they thought he was too young to get married.
Eventually, they accepted me and our early marriage. He is kind of young to be married–at least in the bay area where most are married in their late 20’s/early 30’s–but I tell him that he has a mature soul.