Wedding Toast Costs $80; Best Man Forced to Sell Plasma
April 25th, 2007 @ 2:23 pm by Mrs. Lovebug
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m nervous about the wedding toasts. But I’m not worried about Mr. Lovebug’s best man getting zipped and rambling drunkenly about the Great Coed Skinny Dip of ‘02. That would be hilarious, and I’m OK with hilarious. No, I’m afraid that when the time comes, our loved ones will CHOKE. That having decided to “wing it,” they’ll have nothing but blank minds to go with their raised flutes.
(Rose colored glasses come standard with all major events in my life.)
Luckily, there’s the Wedding Toast Generator, a template where you can plug in the appropriate names and create a basic (if bland), customized speech. For example, it gave me:
Before beginning, I’d like to offer my sincerest gratitude to Trixie and Alfredo for allowing me to be part of this special occasion. Also, I would like to say thank you to Mr. and Mrs. Stinklefein for all that you’ve done to make this the special day that it is. And, of course, my gratitude to Mr. and Mrs. Cramburger for all of your support and all that you’ve done to make this, by all accounts, the perfect day. Here’s to Trixie and Alfredo: a life of years, free of tears, bottoms up and lots of luck.
Oh, shoot. I forgot to change our names for privacy.
Anyway, if you have wedding party members with stage fright and/or writer’s block, it might be a good place to start. Hopefully, they’ll dress it up a bit with personalized sentimentality or humor. But even if it has to stand on it’s own, it’s definitely better than the worst toast ever. Although for my money, this is a strong contender, too.
But if your friends and family really want to make an investment in your happiness, they can always BUY their speeches. That’s right. For $79.98, they can purchase a speech pack, which comes with five different, personalized versions to choose from as well as access to a database with over 350 jokes and quotes. Who writes these toasts, you ask? That would be this guy:
Meet Bruno, who is so sure you’ll like his speeches that he offers a “no quibble guarantee.” Wow. I wish Mr. Lovebug came with one of those. The guarantee, not the Bruno.
OK so my first question is, anyone else considering keeping the videographer distracted at toast time? My second, more sincere question is, has anyone else fretted over this issue? I’d never be so pushy as to tell my friends or family what to say, but am I crazy to want the speeches to be funny, sweet, and memorable?
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16 Responses to “Wedding Toast Costs $80; Best Man Forced to Sell Plasma”
wow, thistle. just wow.
i don’t think you’re crazy for wanting those aspects. who doesn’t? we definitely don’t want ones like thistleorchid heard. that’s for sure! hopefully you’ll have nicer and more, um, sober? friends to speak. are you doing an open mike or selecting a few people beforehand?
I am definitely also hoping for cute, quirky, funny, memorable speeches! Don’t worry, you’re not crazy for wanting that. I’m not at all concerned about my father’s speech or my sister’s speech, I know those will be great. I’m a little bit nervous about the best man’s speech. We love the best man, and one of his quirks that we love about him is that he sometimes busts out with the most hilariously random, stuttered, or rambling comments and you just wonder, were you born yesterday? Where do you think this stuff up? It’s just a running joke. It’s always funny *except* during a speech it would go over really badly. I just hope he writes something out ahead of time and runs it by his wife first… she keeps him in line!
On the topic of speeches, who traditionally gives a speech or toast at a wedding?
i told my MOH i want to proofread her speech beforehand! 
kidding. i’m not that bad. i am a little nervous about the speeches but figure we’ve all been to so many weddings, everyone knows what’s acceptable and what’s not. besides, my MOH and i have 15+ years of friendship so she has to find something great to talk about…right? right?!
thistleorchid — Yikes!
alcohol + speechtime = surprise!
Our toastmasters were left to their own devices and did great. It was very touching. There are a lot of websites that offer speeches today and people are pretty resourceful about using these sites to get ideas.
Here’s a cute line I heard once from a bride’s little sister: “I am not losing a sister, I am losing a wardrobe.” From a father: “I am not losing a daughter, I am losing a tax deduction.”
My little sister is my MOH, and she’s a lot like me when it comes to giving speeches… we’re terrified of it! When she expressed her constant worry over the big toast, I just told her I’d be fine with her reciting the entire toast from wedding crashers. =P
Our BM did a roast, not a toast LOL
I actually think the worst speeches are always from the slightly tipsy, well-meaning, sentimental bridesmaid who starts with the story of how she & the bride met in pre-school, and then rambles on….and on….and on….until finally she is crying so much that no one can understand her, which is fine because everyone stopped listening 10 minutes earlier.
And, um, the girl doing that on my bff’s wedding video just LOOKS like me. Totally wasn’t me, not at all. She just looks -and sounds- exactly like me. And we have the same name…but it was not me. I swear…
my bff & i were BMs for another friend, and at the banquet, she gave one of the most awkward toasts ever. i know she was nervous, but talking about waxing and bad habits is never really in good taste, and the whole wedding party was cringing, but didn’t have the guts to tell her how bad it really was.
i am scared for the toast my bff will give for me… and all those years of friendship that should give her something great to talk about… can also give her tons of inappropriate stuff to talk about! yikes! 
I went to a wedding where the bride’s family were 100% ultra-classy non-English-speakers, and the groom’s family was…uh…not. The bride made a long, long toast in Spanish, which must have been beautiful, because everyone was in tears. Then the groom’s father made a toast that involved attempting to drink champagne out of a bottle.
Ooh, I remembered another fun one: the bride, groom, and an overwhelming majority of the guests were deaf, so when a tipsy [hearing] aunt got up to speak (and speak and speak), the interpreter stood on a chair in order to be seen by as many people as possible. After a few minutes, I doubt anyone was still watching her.
At my wedding, I had two MOHs, my little sister and my best friend, neither of whom were up for the public speaking thing. My Dad is also very shy and quiet so we were basically tapped out. I won’t mention my scary Best Man, my brother in law. It took us 2 weeks to be absolutely sure he wouldn’t wear his NASCAR tie with his tux. Seriously. Needless to say we didn’t even ask…
So we chose a friend who was close to both of us and a very eloquent speaker. She agreed and we were ready for a beautiful, emotional speech.
Unfortunately at the last minute, there was a slight tussle over the microphone ( I missed this whole thing…) and another friend who was slightly annoyed with me for not including her in my wedding party-I was her MOH-took the mic and turned it into her own personal show.
While the speech was not inappropriate, it was tinged with so much sarcasm and passive aggressive-ness that I wanted to cry. You should see the picture of me while she is speaking! Luckily, 95% of the guests thought it was a lovely speech as they didn’t know the context behind it but, damn!
If I had been the slightest bit tipsy at this point I may have punched her in the face.
I’m my sister’s MOH and yes, I am extremely nervous about my speech. I am normally very humorous and so I feel I have a ‘reputation’ to maintain. The last thing I want to do is put my audience to sleep. Might I add, I am also extremely emotional, I cry over ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The wedding’s in September and already I have loss sleep at night twisting and turning in bed freaking out about the speech.
burnt toast… hahaha…
Believe me your MOH is very worried about the wedding speech as well! Thankfully she has almost a year to procrastinate before coming up with something lame last minute. You could always flout tradition and eliminate that part of the wedding. 
Or break out your superior editing skills.
lameexcuse: no such luck, sistah. Start drafting!
Mrs. Lovebug, Tucson
Age and Occupation in 06: 31, Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Professional Game Show Contestant
Engagement Date: February 18, 2007
Wedding Date: April 19, 2008
Venue: Historic Inn
About Me: Likes: blogging, wikis, semi-colons, cuddling, fragrant flowers, syntax, and spooning. Dislikes: typos, dangling modifiers, flypaper, citronella candles, and run-ons. If I had my druthers, I'd exchange simple vows in a candlelit library. But I lost my druthers long ago...anyone seen them?
The worst toast ever isn’t that one. It’s the one that came from the bridesmaid of a bride whose wedding I went to last summer. After stumbling up to the podium (mind you, the wedding was alcohol-free, I wanted to know where she’d gotten it and why she wasn’t sharing!), she proceeded to talk about the bride’s exboyfriend and why he would have been a better choice, but - oh well, she chose this one. And then she sat down. It was more than a little akward.