Gimme Gimme Money!
April 26th, 2007 @ 12:04 pm by Mrs. Kiwi
Although this has probably been blogged to death, I have a question about registries. As has been mentioned before, many couples don’t feel the need to register. I understand the reasoning behind this, but still question the gift angle.
For weeks leading up to the wedding we recently attended, I asked any and everyone where the bride and groom were registered. I figured they may want something off that for the wedding. No one knew. So, Mr. Kiwi and I went to the wedding sans gift. *Gasp!* Since she wasn’t taking her honeymoon until this summer, we knew she’d be at work the following week, so we’d just get it for her then. Well, I asked her where she was registered, and she said, “Nowhere.” What? She didn’t register for anything? Okaaaay…
So, while we were planning to get her something off registry, we figured giving them cash would be easier. Until she said that “Cash was appreciated.” Hmm. It’s all well and good when it’s our choice to give them cash. We like giving cash. When there is no other choice, I feel cornered into giving money or nothing. Who wants to be an ungrateful guest? So, we’ll give her cash.
Still, now it feels like we’re grudgingly giving something because there was no other option. What do you think of having only one option: Cash? I mean, we could get her a set of mixing bowls or something, but seriously, who wants something they didn’t ask for?
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30 Responses to “Gimme Gimme Money!”
I don’t know - even if all we wanted was cash I think I would register at somewhere like BBB and then return the stuff. Then again, what do you do when Aunt Sally comes over looking for that crystal punch bowl? Hmmm. There has to be SOMETHING you need, even if your registry isn’t 27 pages long…
Suzy, I understand what you’re saying, but maybe it’s different in Asia? I just think that if I asked outright for cash, people would be offended. I’m ALL for giving cash, but when it’s either that or nothing, I don’t think it’s the right way to do it. And does Crate and Barrel let you exchange? I didn’t know that. We only registered for what we would want/need/like without the ideas of exchanging it for something else…
Kandace, that’s what I was thinking. At least give some other options. I mean, what if you have family who can’t afford to give you anything, but still want to get you something? I’m sure to them it’s better to give you the ice cream scoop/measuring cups instead of just a 20 dollar bill.
I think everyone should have a registry to help ensure that you don’t receive completely useless things that you DON’T want. Some people are just not comfortable giving cash as a gift, and won’t even if you request it. On the other hand, cash givers will generally give cash even if you are registered all over the place. A registry is a courtesy for your guests.
I’m with you on this one Miss Kiwi…technically a bride and groom shouldn’t be expecting any gifts but the least they can do is give people an option. If people ask I think it’s fine to say we would really like cash for our new house, or honeymoon etc. but we are also registered at Macys and Best Buy. Some people just don’t like giving cash while others are more strapped finacially and might be embarassed if all they could spare was $25 but wouldn’t be embarassed to give a picture frame or candle sticks. I would be offended if I had no other option but cash and probably would end up giving them less then if I gave cash out of my own doing.
Except in cultures where giving cash is the norm, it seems to me that there will always be some people who want to give gifts, not cash. Because of that, it’s a good idea to have a registry, so you’ll get some things you want, or at least some things you can easily return. Even though we’re older and have been living together for more than a year, and therefore have most of the household things we need, we created a registry, as there are still plenty of things that would be nice to have. And things are disappearing off the registry, so it looks like we’re going to receive them, too. 
We have nice friends and family. OTOH, cash always fits! I’m still a bit weirded out by the whole idea that so many people are going to give us gifts. But I like it!
ms. kiwi, i think your right that it is a matter of where you are or what culture you come from. but actually we are tackling this very issue, and i’d be interested in your input! we are getting married back home in the US, but we’ll be coming back to Asia right afterwards, since we both work here. there is *no* way we can ship appliances and what not from boston or new york to bangkok (aside from the astronomical cost, the voltages and plugs are different!). we’re also have most of what we need, so… what should we do? i feel like if i don’t register, it will be an inconvenience for our guests, but what can we possibly ask for?
Hmmm.. Suzy, you’re in a tough spot. I do think it’s an inconvience if you don’t register, but you’re right, what should you register for? Maybe it could be passed around that while you do appreciate any and all gifts, it’s just too hard to ship and use while in another country. I know I’ve spoken out about the honeymoon registries, but perhaps you could register for something to allow you guys to fly back and forth? Honestly, I don’t know!
I didn’t register for anything and don’t plan to. I come from a family of pack rats and FI is a pack rat, in response, I’m extremely selective about what I have in my home. I don’t expect anything from my guests. And I’d rather receive nothing than to receive a item that would clutter up our limited space.
I respectfully disagree with the notion that you have to register for SOMETHING, ANYTHING. We’re not registering. We don’t need anything. (I’d elaborate, but it’s really that simple.) It’s far more important that our friends and family who will be spending a lot of $ to get to our wedding, simply show up and celebrate with us. I understand the situation with your friend is different, Ms. Kiwi, but when did not registering because you truly don’t need anything start to mean “give me CASH!!!”? From my perspective, in this age of crazy consumerism, and pressure to buy a gift for (1) the bachelorette party (2) the shower or showers, and (3) the wedding, I’ll happily oblige the couple who doesn’t register.
Robyn, I hear ya. I have to get another friend her three gifts and it’s like, MAN, we DO have another wedding to plan, too. I mean, spending 500 dollars on ONE couple? I’m going insane.
I also have to disagree. We registered for just a handful of things. This is not our way of telling our guests to give us cash; it is our way of telling them that we have nearly everything we need.
Robyn, good point about consumerism. There are plenty of valid reasons for not registering. Couples shouldn’t have to register “just because” and not registering should not be seen as an automatic gift grab.
Oops, I meant to say money grab!
I think it’s a sign of our young age that some people in their 20’s think it’s rude NOT to register. So many of my relatives think the notion of a registry is a disgusting gift grab and refuse to buy any items from a registry! I respectfully disagree with your opinion, Miss Kiwi. I think a little perspective is helpful. When it’s your birthday, do you create a gift registry for your friends that you expect them to choose from? No, you happily accept the gifts they choose for you without your input.
People can do the same at their wedding if there’s no registry. But honestly, after the expense of a wedding, I can sympathise with the bride who probably genuinely needs money more than things. She’s saying cash is appreciated, not required.
I agree with Robyn. We’re having a VERY small destination wedding and we don’t want any gifts. I understand wanting to give the couple something, but honestly, I would appreciate a thoughtfully written card far more than a set of towels that we don’t need.
When people ask where we’re registered, they always get a much, much longer response than they expect. First, coming to the wedding is going to be a healthy expense for many people, so we do try to acknowledge that. Second, we suggest contributions to the American Cancer Society and American Diabetes Association, to “contribute to a long and healthy marriage.” And third, for the people who just cannot handle the break in tradition, we have tiny little registries at two national chains, listing only things we genuinely feel we need–thus, the Crate and Barrel site constantly sends me “low gift reminders” because we have fewer than ten items listed.
So far everyone who’s mentioned gifts has said they’re making charitable contributions.
I designed a invite for a wedding for some friends that volunteer at the same charity that my SO and I volunteer on weekends. This couple really wanted to put on the invite a request for money instead of gifts. I compromised (my inner Miss Manners was cringing) and made a card with a little poem requesting money instead of gifts to put in the invites. First, at least five of our friends asked me about the card–”isn’t it tacky?”
But what really made the situation bad–they never sent a single thank you note out! They sold their house and made a ton of money off the sale in the same month and bragged about it. Also, they never really thanked me for designing the cards and printing the cards (3 times I should say because they kept making changes). I just felt burned by the whole thing.
Anyways, I think asking for whatever you really need and being humble about it is fine–as long as you show appreciation afterwards. But, I think sending word of what you really want through the grapevine is the best way to do it.
Sarah, I think it’s awesome how you are registering. Honestly, it’s great. Kudos.
Hopefully everyone can remember what I blogged about yesterday- how I was raised to not ask for anything. This is why when people ask about the wedding, I’ll say what I think- that I’ll just be happy to have them there.
Yes, while we are extremely broke right now (I’m sure all of you remember the random posts about it), I wasn’t raised to say, “Money is appreciated” when people ask us what we want. Maybe I’m showing my age. I just want the loved ones there- gift or not. We’ve registered because that’s one of the first things we were asked “Where are you registered?”
Perhaps I reacted to the request oddly because I’ve never heard that from anyone- wedding, anniversary or birthday. Sure, everyone would love money, but who actually asks for it? I didn’t add that she said, “Whatever cash you can give us is fine.”
For me a big part of the registry is being kind to my guests. I know this might sound weird but I stress about buying people gifts for special occasions. In fact my best friend and I started giving each other gift lists for birthdays etc. years ago.
We have lots of relatives and family friends that we haven’t seen in years, but they ask our parents where we’re registered. They’d like to show their support and love, they have no idea what we’d like or need and they don’t want to buy us stuff that we’d just give away. We’ve registered with a wide price range at national stores, and especially ones that allow you to buy online and ship directly.
I’ve also made it known that I want every guest to bring a favorite recipe with them and I am asking all of our friends and family to send me recipes so that I can create a special wedding cookbook.
I’d be horrified to ask for money even though we’re broke and taking out student loans left and right, but that’s just me. I agree that it’s important to acknowledge and understand the cultural difference though and adjust accordingly.
There’s always the gift card. But actually who wouldn’t rather have the same amount in cash? It can be spent anywhere, anytime (or saved!), and it won’t expire.
Along the lines of Iris’s post, if you like the idea of giving gift cards, why not try giving one of those “cash” gift cards? Companies such as American Express issue cards with cash value that can be used essentially like debit cards. To some people it seems a little more classy than a check, even if spending options are more limited (say, you can’t put one of them towards your mortgage).
If the couple wants cash and it is in your means to do so, I think you should give it to them… much better than a knife set that will sit in the closet for months. My question is this: How much is expected? How much do you usually give? What is expected? Do you cover the cost of your plate or is that etiquette from the past?
i think the idea of registering is good and it makes guests who can’t afford to give you $$ in cash feel like their nominal gift is appreciated because it’s something you wanted…
that being said all gifts should be appreciated but i know i’d rather give a $30 dollar toaster that you picked out than $30 in cash….
I’m getting married in the middle of September. We won’t be registering anywhere because we will be moving across the country for law school about two weeks before the wedding. We plan on liquidating everything we own rather than ship it (Canada is a large country!) and we won’t know where we’ll be living until a few weeks before. We don’t want gifts because we aren’t bringing anything with us. If people choose to give us a gift, that’s lovely, but we’re trying to get the word out that cash or gift cards would be best in our situation.
What bothers me so much about Miss Kiwi’s friend’s situation is not the fact that she isn’t registered anywhere, it is the fact that she blatantly stated: “Cash is appreciated.” I don’t care if that is what you really want, I think it is rude to say that to one of your guests.
I appreciate and respect those who did not register for various reasons and I’m not sure I automatically equate not registering with a request for cash… but when Miss Kiwi’s friend made that comment - how else can she interpret it?
And to follow up… I very often give cash - so it is not that I’m oppoposed to the idea of giving cash as a wedding gift. It just really irks me when people ask for it outright. When someone requests it, it’s almost like an obligation instead of a gift.
I disagree as well. We’re a registered couple, but I don’t think not having a registry means that a couple is asking for cash. Furthermore, you had planned to give cash anyway. If you acknowledge the fact that no one “wants something they didn’t ask for” and she mentioned that money is appreciated, what’s the big deal? You’re not really cornered as you do have options - you could buy her something and I imagine she’d still say ‘thank you.’
A word of caution about ‘debit card’ gift cards — some of them charge a LOT of fees, so select carefully. Search Consumerist for ‘gift cards’ or read this post and the responses:
http://consumerist.com/consumer/wells-fargo/wells-fargo-visa-gift-cards-hidden-fees-222605.php
Since I am not personally you Miss Kiwi, I don’t see anything wrong with it. You sound like you are morally offended! Just let it go.. it’s not your decision to make.
Oh Annie, no worries- I actually don’t care. That’s what the good ol’ Wedding Bee is for- different opinions.
Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
ms. kiwi, i think etiquette is more about custom than anything set in stone. i’m in asia right now and everyone gives cash and that’s totally cool. we’ve asked three couples who’ve gotten married in the past year what they wanted and all said — red envelope (customary way cash is given)! so, if you can register for a mortgage or a trip to disney, and big wedding gift stores such as crate & barrel let you exchange your gifts for whatever you want, why not just ask for cash?