Mrs. Daisy, New York
Age and Occupation: 32, Attorney
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 32, Finance
Engagement Date: December 10, 2005
Wedding Date: November 11, 2006
Blogging Since: June 7, 2006
Venue: Metropolitan Club
About Me: My favorite activities used to include knitting, cooking, doing the crossword puzzle and about a million other relaxing pursuits. Since my engagement, well, not so much. Wedding planning has become my primary hobby. So much so that I am downgrading my work schedule to part-time in order to more fully dedicate myself to my wedding (and reality tv, as well, if I'm being honest).
The (Cash-Filled) Envelope, Please
April 26th, 2007 @ 5:59 pm by Mrs. Daisy
Ok, so in the comments of Miss Kiwi’s “Gimme Gimme Money” post, Sarah wanted some info about giving cash (or a check) as a gift:
How much is expected? How much do you usually give? What is expected? Do you cover the cost of your plate or is that etiquette from the past?”
Paying Your Own Way?
The one that I can answer (or so I believe) is the “cover your plate” query. You don’t have to do that. I mean… That could get pretty pricey, especially if you had to attend a wedding like this one. And on a more realistic level, even a very high end NYC wedding could have you considering knocking over a convenience store. To keep it real, more than a couple of venues start at $250/per person, not including the 22% (!!) service fee (don’t confuse this spurious, rip-off fee with a gratuity-your vendor will expect that on top) and the 8% tax. I’m no mathematician, but that seems like a heck of a lot of money to give as a gift. And the same goes on the other end–if someone has a modest backyard wedding, you ought not reduce your gift accordingly. So, yeah, to summarize you should give what you give, cost-of-wedding notwithstanding.
All About the Benjamins (and Jacksons, and Lincolns, and Washingtons…)
Now onto the cold hard numbers-what do you give?
It know it’s trƒ¨s gauche to discuss dollars and cents, but I also know (because I sure have looked!) that there’s just a dearth of answers out there. Let’s overcome this problem, Bees, and complete a little poll to help me all of us get a handle on what the kids are shelling out these days. And, to be somewhat specific, let’s divvy this up by regions/types of areas to make it a bit more accurate. Feel free to elaborate in the comments!!
Find your geographic area and then click on what amount you give, per person (since a lot of us give joint gifts as a couple, just divide that number in half so we can get a per person idea of things).
43 Responses to “The (Cash-Filled) Envelope, Please”
(I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to come out of this poll looking like a cheap so-and-so who just got demoted to the B list…we’ll see!)
Going to a wedding is like going out on a Saturday night. Whatever you would pay for you and your sig to go out to dinner, drinks, etc. plus whatever you would spend on a small gift (e.g. hostess gift) is always a good rule of thumb.
You are being treated for a fun night out!
Sarah, that’s the beauty of anonymous polls! no one will know whether to add us to or cross us off their list… ha!
what’s the difference between small town usa and rural peeps?
Oh dear, how sad is it that I don’t know how to classify Buffalo, NY- I put it in Smalltowns for our ever dwindling population 
Same old cliche formula, depends how well you know them, if they’re family, etc.
“it depends” is such a copout answer, but it’s true! for me, it depends on my relationship and affection for the marrying couple. as a couple, we have given $88 (good luck for my chinese peeps), $500 (on RARE occasion to close friends/family), and other amounts in between.
let’s say on average since many of us spend more on our closest friends and family.
I also want to add - I think it depends where we are in our life. I’m the youngest out of my cousins so when I was a poor college student and a poor just out of college student I didn’t have much money and hoped the bride and groom understood that. …Now that my FI and I are getting settled in our careers we tend to be able to give more…especially that we are planning on wedding and know how $$ it is…
It depends. If you are a good friend $50 from just me. If you are a somewhat distant family memeber $25 from me and my bf, if you are a good friend out of state $25. If you are a friend I used to be close with but am not anymore $25…. is that bad?
I agree with Erika.
There are a lot of factors.
I’m with Erika - having just graduated last semester, I’ve never been in a position to give as much as I would have liked (considering my friends started marrying our first year of college). But, what I can’t give in monetary value, I give in though. Instead of picking random registry things, I choose a theme, purchase several of the smaller items, and then spend extra time on the presentation/packaging as well as a nice card.
Just a suggestion for the next poll, maybe put increments. $0-25, $26-50 and $51-75 are more inclusive (yes I had to take a research methods class!) especially since someone who spends $65 wouldn’t really fall into one option or the other…
Angie, I would say that there is no “bad” in gift-giving. obviously any gift is exactly that–a *gift* (there’s a reason we don’t call it an “obligation” or an “expected”).
and i also think that if a bride goes around ranking her gifts, she might be the “bad” one…!!
Andria, i have to say i don’t exactly know what difference i meant for between Smalltown and Rural. maybe Smalltown=non-metro area and Rural=pure country…? does that make any sense at all? (i’m not exactly known for my sense making, i admit!)
i also agree with Mrs. Bee on choosing an average when you vote in the poll. there will always be outliers on either end.
Traditionally, at least from what my mother and grandmother taught me (chinese household) it’s $100 per person that you bring. Because with a lot of chinese weddings the invitation is for the family (i.e. parents + unmarried kids) it can range from $200 per couple to $500 for a 5 person family. The per person number also goes up for close family members. Say if my sister was getting married her gift would probably be $1K from me or my parents. At the most recent wedding my mom and dad went to, for one of their employees, they gave $500. I went to a wedding for a non chinese friend and gave a total (including BParty and Bshower) about $300.
I agree that gifts shouldn’t be expected because it’s inappropriate for a bride to expect them, but just as inapprorpiate as it is to expect them, it’s inappropriate not to give that is suitable.
Hey! How come Philly gets to be named as a major metro area and SF doesn’t?!
Does this depend on where the wedding is or where you’re from? Should you spend the same for a gift for a Smalltown USA wedding as you would for a Major Metro area wedding? A coffeemaker from BB&B costs the same no matter where the couple registered . . . .
what about a town of 1500 three hours west of minneapolis? it’s a very small town, but it’s not a farm! just kidding…i just chose “rural” peeps…
i would think most of us are getting married in some sort of “town” so that’s where i was being picky and wondering if “rural” peeps meant like, literally in a grassy plain with no buildings in sight…lol
I’m hoping Honolulu falls into “Major Metro” because that’s where my vote went. It really depends on the couple though. Also if it’s our friends, we always try to pitch in with set-up or prep, things like that as well as a monetary gift and maybe something small from the registry.
I’m still in grad school so $25 is a lot a money for me to be able to give, so I do think it depends some on the stage in life.
Having been through my own recent wedding, as well as seeing a few others in my area (small southern city), a gift of $100 was very generous and given by the closest of family only (and generally older couples). $30 was most common as far as monetary gifts.
I think it depends. If I’m going to an asian wedding, I’ve been well trained to give cash, and I try to get a really pretty card to set myself apart from everybody else. =)
However, for registry gifts (which I have done in the past) I used to work for williams-sonoma, so I’d be able to get them something nicer than what i would normally be able to spend, since I got a sick discount working there! Even if they weren’t registered there, everybody knew that I worked there, and they would just tell me what they wanted.
I’m in DC and I voted in the major city section, I hope that’s correct! We’re not really the south, so I felt that was the only option.
I put what I normally give for non-family weddings ($100). For a family member, I’ll probably give more.
i’d have to say, hopefully the bride & groom don’t “expect” a certain amount, becuase that’s just poor taste! as a bride-to-be myself, i’m choosing my guestlist based on who i’d be willing to pay to come without expecting a return.
but i think it really does depend. my family just went to my cousin’s wedding recently and we gave $1000 to the bride & groom. i also give differently if i know the bride and groom both, vs. only one of the parties.
I’m a poor, poor biomedical Ph.D. student, but you only get married once, so I tend to give more than I can probably afford (of course, I would never go into debt over a wedding gift). I think generally I either give as a check or off of registry gifts around $150. That said, if it is someone I am very close to (one of my best friends is getting married in 3 weeks), I will likely contribute quite a bit more… I will probably chip in around the $250 range and my fiance will probably put in another $100 or so.
I have never given a cash gift actually. I suppose that I as I receive cash gifts for the wedding, I might decide that it’s so much better, but I’ve always enjoyed getting physical gifts and I always like to give what I myself would like. Made life really difficult as a young kid. But *I* want that Barbie, why should I give it to *her*?
great post Mrs. Daisy!!
it’s so interesting to see the results for each diff. category!
btw - i love the pic of the play-register!
i think it depends for us. like with friends, its $50 per person. but family usually $100 per person. but it also depends on which side of the family. bc my dad side of the family tradition is a piece of jewelry if some kind for the bride which normally runs in the $500 plus. but mom side is the $100 per person.
Cash gifts are not as common in my area. There is alot more purchasing from the registery. I also had friends begin to marry in undergraduate and graduate school and it was tough. Especially when a bridesmaid and participating in every event, buying the “goods” to wear, etc AND buy gifts. Finally I am able to gift peeps what they want and need! ‘Course, unlike school friends who registered at WalMart and Pier One, my friends now register at stores where a $10 shower gift, and that $29 crockpot is not an option! lol
I used to have one of those little Fisher Price cash registers.
I divided by 2, but it’s not really accurate. Fi and I try to give 150 and for closer frends, 200. Even if I was going by myself I’d still give 100 or 125…We’ve done a poll liek this on my local board on the knot and my numbers came out as el cheapo. We’re from the Mainline area near Philly.
At the risk of getting hate mail, I am going to have to agree with Lanamia - she echoed my sentiments exactly - it is in extremely poor taste to only give lets say $25 - I was very shocked to see such a high percentage. That is probably a meal for 2, if even, at a super casual restaurant like Chilis, assuming you only order a “regular” entree with water.
Although the idea of giving cash is “unromantic”, it’s practical.
Additionally, I think that if you are not that close to someone to begin with, you should probably not go to their wedding… IMO.
We generally give $100-$150 from the two of us. As far as what we received for our wedding though, the east coast big city people generally gave about $200 per couple while the midwestern folks gave about $75 per couple. Many midwestern family members who couldn’t come sent a nice card and $10. I thought it was really sweet that they thought to do that.
where does hawaii or destination weddings fit in?
I always think of it of trying to cover their costs at the wedding, I don’t want to give less than what they’re paying for my dinner. I don’t know if other people use this as a guideline but if they do, it makes sense that we pay more for wedding gifts in NYC. *sigh*
For people we werent very close to, we gave gifts/cash in the range of 150 to 200 bucks. for people we are close to, we spend 300 to 400 bucks together.
I usually go from $100 to $150 per person. However, the amount is flutuating based on quality of foods, services, and over hospitality. There are occasations where I only give $50.
Miss Plum,
If you live in an area of the country where the average salary is less than 30k, a gift of $25 is appreciated. You realize how hard someone had to work for that and how much it impacted their budget to give it to you.
Miss Plum,
Do you mean that it’s just in bad taste to give $25 cash, or is it also in bad taste to give a gift with a value of $25? Regardless of the fact that $25 may be all that certain people can afford to give (and this in itself doesn’t mean that they are people who are tacky or without taste), if you’re creative you can give a really neat, unique gift that’s technically not “worth” more than $25 monetarily speaking but is distinctive & thoughtful. Sometimes cool antiques, homemade pieces or art, and one-of-a-kind items are the most treasured gifts, regarldless of their price. For our wedding, a talented friend composed and performed a beautiful song for our ceremony–a priceless gift that didn’t really “cost” anything. I think that people should give generously in honor of a marriage, but what that amounts to is usually relative to individual circumstances. Bank accounts are not the only origin of generosity–people can give richly from their talents and personal styles too. Expensive does not necessarily = classy.
It’s always memorable if someone gives above and beyond what you’d ever expect (especially if they aren’t that close, didn’t come to the wedding, are young, have tuition bills or a new baby, etc.) and makes you feel so flattered they care so much to make the sacrifice (cash, gift, or even time they don’t have to spare to make something). Just makes you feel a little warmer to that person (”Wow, they must really care about me!”).
And if someone is always flashing around their wealth and they give something, well, there is such a thing as *cheap* when some people make a point of under-giving to others, it can be sort of insulting or hurtful. It’s hard not to equate the gift with feelings when the gift’s value is noticeably disproportionate to the donor’s means. Even though everyone says the value of the gift doesn’t matter, it’s hard not to have these feelings bubble up, even if we don’t reveal it.
I meant giving straight cash in the amount of $25 - to me, perhaps it has to do with the way/area I was raised and grew up in, we gave eachother $25 for birthday presents when we were in middle school and maybe up to high school because we didnt have jobs, but it was just the norm. All I’m saying that to me, $25 seems far below the norm as to what is ‘appropriate’ to give as an adult in my area. If it’s above the norm in your respective area, then more power to ya.
That has to be part of it, then, as far as what each person is used to. Our gifts in middle school were a few dollars, but more often something homemade. Even now the people I know rarely give gifts beyond $10-$15 for a birthday present, but more often host a potluck style dinner for that person with all of their friends there.
I think that if you are financially poor, ie. a student or grad student, you should give what you can actually afford. Also, it does depend on your relation to the couple. I think it’s fair to give what you would expect from others.
I agree with Miss Plum. $25 is a small cash gift, and like the other commenters said, $25 if used to purchase a thoughtful or meaningful gift can be much more, but in terms of cash, as is traditional in the chinese culture to give, would be seen as inappropriate for an employed adult to give.
And honestly, for weddings that I know I will be giving a large amount for (i.e. $1K+) I save in advance. In fact, I know a large number of my friends save heavily in advance for wedding gifts, bachelor parties, etc.
I like giving an actual gift. I love searching through the registry if there is one or wandering through stores to find the perfect thing for my to-be-married loved ones. I like getting Christmas money from grandparents but I just don’t think I’d feel comfortable sending a check to someone just because they’re getting hitched. I know it’s different in different families and cultures (marrying into a Chinese family means I’ll be accepting $$ gifts) but I just LOVE unwrapping actual objects.
Also, as a grad student for many years I don’t have a lot of $ to give. In a few years $50 won’t be a big deal but today it is.
Hmmm, I guess I’m one of those cheapskates because I usually spend about $75 per person ($150 gift) and we live in Los Angeles. For our family member who married, we gifted about $250 in total, plus we also had travel costs.
I’d be rather shocked if I ever got a wedding gift in some of the large numbers that people are tossing out there. Quite simply, that is just not in the budget of our families or friends and wouldn’t have anywhere near that “expectation” of them.
I voted in the “smalltown” category being from Western, NY (now living in Central NJ). I voted for $100. Fiance and I are both graduate students, he will be for another 3-4 years (PhD), and me for 1-2 more years (MA).
For my friend from college’s wedding last summer, I knitted them a very nice blanket, however, the yarn needed for it cost in the $120-130 range.
Last month we went to my fiance’s cousin’s wedding, and we spent ~$90 on things from their registry (after a 20% coupon on one of the items).
I’d also like to add that both of the above weddings required us to travel about 7 hours from where we live now.
