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Open Question About: Do you have a question for the Weddingbee community? Please email us at ask@weddingbee.com with your question!
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Open Question: BFF Issue

May 3rd, 2007 @ 12:55 pm by Open Question

Boy do I hope I can get some help on this.

My best friend and I have been friends since before either of us can really remember. We’ve been BEST friends for over 10 years. When she got married last year, even though I wasn’t exactly in the best financial position, I flew down for her wedding (we now live across the US from each other). Now I’m getting married in August, and she says she doesn’t have money for a plane ticket OR a dress. Naturally I started researching ways to get her here for my wedding, and a few ideas came up and she shot them down soon after. I personally don’t have the funds to fly her down and buy her a dress, so that’s out, too. My parents offered to use their frequent flyer miles, but I don’t want to take away from what they earned… they were planning on going to Europe soon!

I feel like I have tried and tried and bent over backwards trying to get her to my wedding, but now it just seems like she doesn’t even want to go. Should I just forget about helping her at all?

Thanks for the help :)

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17 Responses to “Open Question: BFF Issue”

1.
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Jennifer

If you two are truly best friends… you should be able to talk to her about this. If you’re getting the vibe that she doesn’t want to make the effort to come to YOUR wedding… then, leave it as is. Just let her know that you’ve offered all you can and that it would be ultimately up to her to do what she wants.

 
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Dori

I was in the exact same position. I’ve known my girlfriend since before we were born, our parents were best friends so we literally grew up spending weeks at each others houses in the summer. We live in two different states but still talk frequently. She was having some personal issues, including financial stress when it came time to purchase the bridesmaid dresses/make commitments. I offered everything, even offering to pay for her drive or flight, but she couldnt accept it. Her mom said it was really a pride thing and she didnt want to feel like we were ‘giving’ her something. I got that and told her that if she could find a way down I’d still be more than happy to have her as part of the wedding. She was able to make it, and I asked her to read a poem during the ceremony. It was great having her a part of the wedding, but there was no expectation to buy the clothing, contribute to the showers etc., should could be involved with what she was able to. It’s a crappy situtation,but if you really love her let go of your preconcieved notions of what her role is and let her do what she can. Even if thats just sending good wishes your way. Hope that helps!

 
3.
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Mrs. Butterfly

maybe you can compromise? maybe you can buy the dress for her, but she’ll have to find a way to get to your wedding herself. this is s sucky situation. =(

 
4.
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felicity

That’s a tough situation to be in. I know exactly how you feel and at least in my experience, if someone doesn’t have a burning motivation to come to your wedding, no matter what suggestions/help you offer, they’re just not going to try all that hard. The more I tried to make it possible, the more disappointed in the friend I got, so I wish that I had given up and accepted her not coming a long time ago.

 
5.
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Iris

Offering something from firsthand experience — There are BFFs that turn out to be friends for certain periods of life. If she’s resisting this much and has recently moved far away and gotten married herself, it’s possible she’s re-evaluating her life and relationships and is trying to gently “break up” with you, not necessarily because she doesn’t like you or value your friendship, but because she has grown or changed in some way and feels different. Alternatively, some people don’t like to attend others’ big happy family events because it reminds them of something they are sad about in their own lives (troubled marriage, infertility, problems with parents, etc.) So if she’s not open to discussing it and not going out of her way to travel… might need to give her her space (she might come back) or let her go. It’s so painful but it does happen in connection with major life changes.

 
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miss violet

I’d try to talk to her and try to figure out why she is acting like this. Maybe it is a pride issue like Dori suggested.

 
7.
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n

I think that if she has declined that is probably her way of saying no. Is she part of your wedding party? It sounds like she isn’t, but even if she is and is saying that financially she can’t do it, you should respect that and find someone else.

 
8.
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loveletter

I got married last fall, and my childhood best friend flew up from Florida (I live in the midwest). It meant so much to me that she was there.

I recently found out she got engaged, and I know that if her wedding is in Florida, I will probably not being able to attend. It is just a financial thing — my husband and I are both young and right out of school, and we just can’t afford it right now.

She may really want to come, but it just is not possible. I hope you don’t have any hard feelings against her — she may really want to come but just can’t.

 
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Jann

Just tell her how you feel and ask her what she’s thinking. Best friends should be able to be honest to eachother. If you still feel she doesn’t really want to come then just let it be.

 
10.
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LS

I agree with most of the posters - you should definitely talk to her, and let her know how much it would mean to you to have her there, even if she can’t financially afford to be a bridesmaid. If she still declines, and comes up with wishy washy sort of “excuses”, then perhaps she is trying to break off the friendship. How crappy though. I’ve found that being engaged and planning my wedding really brings out the true colors in people. A girl I considered to be one of my 2 best friends really doesn’t care that much about my wedding, or being in it. And it’s mostly because that’s just who she is, and isn’t into girly girl things, and doesn’t think it’s interesting, etc. She and her husband were married in a very simple civil ceremony, and she frankly thinks big weddings are a waste of money. So I’m trying to respect that that’s who she is. My point is that everyone has different feelings about weddings and marriage, and this could also be bringing up some old issues for your friend. Good luck!

 
11.
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Elizabeth

I feel as though if she were really a bff then she should have been totally upfront and honest with you in the beginning instead of coming up with excuses from the get-go regardless of how disappointed you would have been. Better than what you are going through now with trying to figure out how to get her to the wedding to share in it.

I would be totally upfront with her. Tell her that you feel hurt that she doesn’t seem to be making any sort of obvious effort in accomodating you. If there is some sort of compromise that can be reached then great, but she really needs to voice what she is feeling and what’s really going on and stop beating around the perverbial bush.

So I say confront her and then this matter will get resolved quickly.

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh on her but she should know first hand how stressful it is planning a wedding and making sure your loved ones are there and she is just adding to it, so I really have no sympathy. Thats just my two cents.
Much luck to you!!!

 
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Bridget

I agree with the previous posters–she could be trying to “break up” with you or it could be a personal/financial reason. If it’s the former, there’s not much you go do about it but let her go. If it’s the latter, just try to remember that she’s been there for you for 10 years of your life and that you have more years of friendship to come. The wedding is just one day out of those years. I hope it works out!

 
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Crysten

Maybe she’s going to surprise you!

 
14.
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meridith

i have missed several out of state weddings of very close friends because i simply could not afford to go. if someone had offered to pay my way perhaps i would have accepted but only if they pleaded because the last thing you want to do is add another expense to the bride. this is a tough situation. i think you should try to have a very open talk with her and don’t assume that she doesn’t want to be there, she may just literally be that broke.

 
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Miss GreenBean

It may just be a pride thing! I would just move forward with finding a new MOH. If she is really having financial concerns, you most likely doesn’t want to have to address the rest of the responsibilities which come w/ being MOH, like hosting a party, gifts etc. It can be A LOT when you are broke.

 
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Vic

Iris took the words right out of my mouth. There may be a lot going on with this friend that just isn’t about you. You can choose to let her make her own decisions/arrangements, or you can bring it out and ask her what’s going on. I don’t suggest being confrontational, but if she’s a BFF you should be able to talk about your feelings.

 
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Erin

I agree with the rest of the posters. I had a similar experience myself. I would just give her some space. This is an important time in your life, you must focus on you! If she wants to attend and be a part of your day she will find a way. Congrats and Good Luck :)

 


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