Wedding Blog

That certainly is a pickle… Is there someone close to him (like your FI’s brother) that could talk to him and feel out the situation? What does your FI’s brother think about all of this? You mentioned he was sort of a family friend, are his parents sorta family friends? You could ask FI to sound them out on this…. Can’t really think of anything else.

I guess I’m tacky because in light of the situation I would have no problem just telling him straight up that he was disinvited. I’d also make sure security had a picture of him to make sure he wasn’t allowed in.

yikes. that’s a tough one. maybe he’ll be too embarrassed to show up anyway? i mean, his mug was all over the news and all…not good. i’d suggest you, your FI, along w/ your FI’s brother, tell him politely he’s no longer invited. hopefully he’ll at least honor that wish.

Wow, that’s a tough one. I agree w/ the comments above. Have someone close to him talk him out of going.

Love thistleorchid’s advice (as usual!). I’d also add: make sure you apologize that you have to do this. Whatever heinous thing he did, I’d hope he still deserves the respect of a polite apology.

Also, now I’m really curious as to who he is…is that bad?

Good luck!!!

Oh I should add to my last comment…that goes out the window if what he did was violent or disgusting. When I first read your question, I thought it would be something like corporate embezzlement, or something like that. But yeah, if he’s a rapist or something awful…don’t even bother apologizing. Just make sure he’s not there!

And again, good luck

I was actually in a wedding w/a similar situation (ugly, unmentionable legal issues w/a sky-high ick factor), only the person in question was the bride’s uncle.

I’m not sure who handled it, but somehow the message was conveyed. Just telegraph it to your fiance, his brother, whomever, and ask them to tell the guest in question: given the current set of circumstances the families have respectfully asked that you not attend. They appreciate your understanding.

Maybe you could tell him that you have to cut your guestlist because of some last minute budget problems, and that you are truly sorry, but you are only having very close friends and family.

When someone does something something creepy and bad (i.e. child molester or rapist), why should they be coddled and protected? Especially if it’s soon afterward. Frankly, I think they ought to be so ashamed that they wouldn’t want to come anyway. Thank goodness we’ve come a long way from wearing a scarlet letter, but we should still be held accountable for our actions. Don’t feel bad at all. I like everyone’s suggestions of having a third party relay the message.

No offense, but being a “fairweather friend” has nothing to do with it. It’s about what is considered acceptable within a community. When someone blows it BIG TIME, all bets are off.

No offense taken, I just didn’t realize this board was so judgmental. No one knows whether the “friend” is a child molester or a rapist since the person who asked the “Open Question” refused to give us any detailed information. Moreover, we still don’t even know whether the person has been convicted! For all anyone knows, these could be nothing more than vicious rumors. And, even if the “friend” was guilty, you’re supposed to hate the crime, not the person who committed the crime.

A wedding should be about the couple. It should not be about “OMG, *look* who’s sitting over there. Get me out of here!” The person who asked the question didn’t say what the person’s accused crime(s) were, but she did say that she is “ashamed that he’s on the guest list” and that he’s in trouble with the law “in a creepy and bad way.” That’s not embezzlement. It’s not fair to the bride and groom that the guests might spend their entire wedding gossiping about this guy, or, worse, leaving because they’re afraid of him! If the man himself had any dignity, he’d stay away.

My advice–the brother who is the guest’s primary friend should call him up and say, “Look, dude, this day should be about my brother and his new wife, not about you. No one wants you there anymore. Don’t come.” He can apologize if he wants. And then make sure there’s security who are aware of the situation.

Good luck!

Another lawyer here: “Creepy bad way” sounds serious, and it sounds like you are fairly certain that he’s guilty, not just wrongly accused.

Before you make a decision, you can inquire with local police or courthouse to obtain publicly available information about the status of the charges and proceedings. Would be useful to know if there’s a restraining order or the like. (Just an example — A child molester or drug dealer can’t be within a certain distance of a school so if there’s one near the church/reception, that’s an issue.) While it’s not your duty to police him and enforce such orders (or tell him you checked-up), it’s also not your duty to host him, especially if his attendance would break any rules in place regaring his whereabouts. Even if he’s not guilty, he can’t violate a restraining order or distance-from-a-school requirements, so that’s not judging whether he’s “guilty” or not. No point having your wedding on the next episode of Cops.

Agree with the majority that, etiquette-wise, the best would be for him to un-RSVP himself (in the spirit of not casting a shadow on your wedding day), even if someone near to him needs to suggest to him that he do it. Unless he’s not local and has to make travel plans, you can probably give him up to another 2 weeks (a lot can happen in a criminal case in 2 weeks, especially if it’s fresh) to do the right thing and withdraw himself voluntarily with his apologies. Then just say, “OK, thanks for telling me” and try not to get into discussing the rest with him (security detail, the latest gossip about him, whether guests are asking whether to leave kids at home, etc.).