Open Question
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Open Question: Disinviting A Guest
May 4th, 2007 @ 1:27 pm by Open Question
So, my FI and I are in a bit of a pickle. We have a guest that we want to disinvite. He’s already responded “Yes” that he’s coming. Before the etiquette police come to get me, hear me out: This guest has been a friend of my FI’s brother for a looong time, and somewhat of a friend to their family. After our Save the Dates and invites were sent out, we got information that has totally swayed our perception of him. He’s gotten in trouble with the law, in a really creepy, bad way. I don’t even want to give details because I’m ashamed that he’s even on my guest list. It’s really that bad.
Our wedding is about 3 weeks away. My FI is very concerned that since this guest’s mug has been all over the media, that FI’s extended family will recognize him and wonder why he’s here at OUR wedding. What can we do? My vote is to just call him up, say, “In light of your current situation, we’d really like you to not attend the wedding.” My FI is concerned that if we do that, he’s just crazy enough to show up anyway. Help! -Ugh.
23 Responses to “Open Question: Disinviting A Guest”
That certainly is a pickle… Is there someone close to him (like your FI’s brother) that could talk to him and feel out the situation? What does your FI’s brother think about all of this? You mentioned he was sort of a family friend, are his parents sorta family friends? You could ask FI to sound them out on this…. Can’t really think of anything else.
i was thinking the same thing. maybe a closer third party who could convince him it was best not to go?
I guess I’m tacky because in light of the situation I would have no problem just telling him straight up that he was disinvited. I’d also make sure security had a picture of him to make sure he wasn’t allowed in.
Yeah I would just tell him it’d be best not to show, and let him know that security will be on the lookout for him.
yikes. that’s a tough one. maybe he’ll be too embarrassed to show up anyway? i mean, his mug was all over the news and all…not good. i’d suggest you, your FI, along w/ your FI’s brother, tell him politely he’s no longer invited. hopefully he’ll at least honor that wish.
I think etiquette needs to be put aside here. If he can be a potential danger to anyone then he simply needs to be told not to come. It obviously makes you uncomfortable and it will be make the guests uncomfortable as well. If need be, tell Fi’s brother to tell him since he’s his friend or even “blame” your parents. Hey my mom doens’t think it’s a good idea, etc etc.
Wow, that’s a tough one. I agree w/ the comments above. Have someone close to him talk him out of going.
Drop the polite pretense and tell him not to come and that there will be security at the door. Also let your FI’s brother take the responsibility for being on the lookout for your disinvited guest. If I was a guest at your wedding and I knew that there was a child molestor or rapist or some other such creepy lowlife amongst the other guests, I would leave immediately and probably be angry with the bride + groom for inviting them in the first place.
Love thistleorchid’s advice (as usual!). I’d also add: make sure you apologize that you have to do this. Whatever heinous thing he did, I’d hope he still deserves the respect of a polite apology.
Also, now I’m really curious as to who he is…is that bad? 
Good luck!!!
I agree with Miss. snow pea. Etiquette goes out the window. When it comes to the guests being comfortable on whole. Ask one of your FI family member of to talk to him. If its as bad as you say I am sure he will understand.
Oh I should add to my last comment…that goes out the window if what he did was violent or disgusting. When I first read your question, I thought it would be something like corporate embezzlement, or something like that. But yeah, if he’s a rapist or something awful…don’t even bother apologizing. Just make sure he’s not there!
And again, good luck
I totally agree. It depends on the offense. Such things as a child molestor etc… I would see him, grab my kids and jet immediately, no matter how much I liked and wanted to celebrate with the couple. I would also be pissed at the couple. I would be safe and get extra security.
I was actually in a wedding w/a similar situation (ugly, unmentionable legal issues w/a sky-high ick factor), only the person in question was the bride’s uncle.
I’m not sure who handled it, but somehow the message was conveyed. Just telegraph it to your fiance, his brother, whomever, and ask them to tell the guest in question: given the current set of circumstances the families have respectfully asked that you not attend. They appreciate your understanding.
I feel the same way about one of our guests - creepy crime, media attention. Unfortunately, it’s a relative (his cousin), so there’s not really a way out for us. I mean, he’s been to a family sweet sixteen party since the whole thing (creepy crime involved teenage/college age girls), so I don’t think I can get away with kicking him out of our wedding.
The things going for us, however, are: #1 he’s only coming to the AHR, where most of my side won’t be (and all of my fiance’s side already knows everything), #2 my side lives on the opposite side of the country, and i don’t think the mug shot got that far, and #3 it’s been a while, and the news has died down.
In your case, my first stop would be FI’s brother. See how he feels, and if he agrees with you, that will make the un-invitation a lot easier.
Maybe you could tell him that you have to cut your guestlist because of some last minute budget problems, and that you are truly sorry, but you are only having very close friends and family.
I’m a lawyer, and I think we need some more information before we leap to the conclusion that this individual must be uninvited.
You mentioned that he is a family friend of FI. Is he not a friend of the family anymore? Because, if he is, then I don’t think you can disinvite him, at least not without looking like nothing more than a fair-weathered friend.
The phrase “With friends like these, who needs enemies” comes to mind.
Has he been convicted of a crime, or just charged with one? Because, frankly, I think it seems pretty sad that your FI’s family is dropping this guy as a friend due to some legal problems, especially when he might not have even been convicted yet.
The phrase “innocent until proven guilty” comes to mind…
When someone does something something creepy and bad (i.e. child molester or rapist), why should they be coddled and protected? Especially if it’s soon afterward. Frankly, I think they ought to be so ashamed that they wouldn’t want to come anyway. Thank goodness we’ve come a long way from wearing a scarlet letter, but we should still be held accountable for our actions. Don’t feel bad at all. I like everyone’s suggestions of having a third party relay the message.
No offense, but being a “fairweather friend” has nothing to do with it. It’s about what is considered acceptable within a community. When someone blows it BIG TIME, all bets are off.
If relations with this individual are still good (ie, you don’t think he did it) then above all, be honest. You want him to be there but you scare your guests. You also don’t want to make him uncomfortable and the center of attention. Try to find some other way to involve him, maybe the reheresal dinner? If relations aren’t so great, then be short and sweet, don’t try to preserve any friendship because it’s probably already gone. And do it yourselves- involving a third party will make him feel alienated either way. Maybe bring your FH’s brother along for support, but do the talking yourselves. It’s your wedding.
No offense taken, I just didn’t realize this board was so judgmental. No one knows whether the “friend” is a child molester or a rapist since the person who asked the “Open Question” refused to give us any detailed information. Moreover, we still don’t even know whether the person has been convicted! For all anyone knows, these could be nothing more than vicious rumors. And, even if the “friend” was guilty, you’re supposed to hate the crime, not the person who committed the crime.
Sorry I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. It was a knee-jerk comment. My apologies.
A wedding should be about the couple. It should not be about “OMG, *look* who’s sitting over there. Get me out of here!” The person who asked the question didn’t say what the person’s accused crime(s) were, but she did say that she is “ashamed that he’s on the guest list” and that he’s in trouble with the law “in a creepy and bad way.” That’s not embezzlement. It’s not fair to the bride and groom that the guests might spend their entire wedding gossiping about this guy, or, worse, leaving because they’re afraid of him! If the man himself had any dignity, he’d stay away.
My advice–the brother who is the guest’s primary friend should call him up and say, “Look, dude, this day should be about my brother and his new wife, not about you. No one wants you there anymore. Don’t come.” He can apologize if he wants. And then make sure there’s security who are aware of the situation.
Good luck!
agree with all the posters above in terms of getting third party, but would definitely not threaten with security. (i mean, are you even hiring security?) that will just make him defensive/resentful and who knows what would happen. just keep it tactful.
Another lawyer here: “Creepy bad way” sounds serious, and it sounds like you are fairly certain that he’s guilty, not just wrongly accused.
Before you make a decision, you can inquire with local police or courthouse to obtain publicly available information about the status of the charges and proceedings. Would be useful to know if there’s a restraining order or the like. (Just an example — A child molester or drug dealer can’t be within a certain distance of a school so if there’s one near the church/reception, that’s an issue.) While it’s not your duty to police him and enforce such orders (or tell him you checked-up), it’s also not your duty to host him, especially if his attendance would break any rules in place regaring his whereabouts. Even if he’s not guilty, he can’t violate a restraining order or distance-from-a-school requirements, so that’s not judging whether he’s “guilty” or not. No point having your wedding on the next episode of Cops.
Agree with the majority that, etiquette-wise, the best would be for him to un-RSVP himself (in the spirit of not casting a shadow on your wedding day), even if someone near to him needs to suggest to him that he do it. Unless he’s not local and has to make travel plans, you can probably give him up to another 2 weeks (a lot can happen in a criminal case in 2 weeks, especially if it’s fresh) to do the right thing and withdraw himself voluntarily with his apologies. Then just say, “OK, thanks for telling me” and try not to get into discussing the rest with him (security detail, the latest gossip about him, whether guests are asking whether to leave kids at home, etc.).
