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This is most definitely a rant. I have this one guy, let’s refer to him as “Joe”, who keeps pestering all of my other guests to see whether or not they have received their invitations. I have not sent Joe an invitation because I am still trying to decide whether or not I should invite him. You see, we have somewhat of a ‘history’ that makes the situation awkward. However, we are still friends. He and my FI are friends as well. They were friends before I ever started dating FI. Anyway, Joe is being very pushy and almost confrontational about where his invitation is. Everyday he asks me where it is, whether or not I’ve sent it, and asks my other guests if they got theirs yet (they did).
To make things even more awkward, I have this girl friend, let’s call her “Susie”, she is friends with Joe as well. However, Joe has had a massive almost obsessive crush on her. The last time we all hung out together was at our other friend’s bday. Basically what happened was Joe got drunk off his ass and started being overly aggressive/touchy-feely with Susie, when she was busy hooking up with our friend. Joe saw this and got crazy jealous, drinking even more, making snide remarks and trying to be grabby with Susie, when she was clearly with our friend. Basically, Susie was rather inebriated herself and Joe tried to take advantage of her. Later, Joe pretended that he didn’t know what we were talking about. Joe just made the entire night really awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. Oh yeah, he invited HIMSELF to the birthday celebration. Nobody wanted him there, he just found out about it and decided to drive over 100 miles to make it to a party he wasn’t invited to.
Yesterday, Joe confronted me online via Instant Messenger. The first thing he said was “Where the hell is my invitation?!”
me: excuse me???
joe: yeah, where is it? everyone else got theirs. i’m waiting for it
me: umm….okay….?
joe: what?! Am i still invited or what?
(that’s basically the gist of our conversation, but with a much more sarcastic and biting tone from Joe)
I was SO steamed after that little conversation that I just ignored him and signed off.
To make a very VERY long story short, I am trying to decide whether or not I should invite him. He’s friends with both me and my FI (well, we WERE anyhow prior to that little conversation), but he’s going to make everyone so uncomfortable! Susie and the friend will also be there. Did I also mention that we’re having a premium open bar (liquor, wines, beers)?? This has got to be a recipe for disaster.
At this point, he’s more like a person I would be inviting because I feel bad/obligated to, but don’t really want him there.
What do you think?? Please help!
What an awful situation! But it seems to me you have two choices: 1) You don’t invite him and that basically ends your friendship (this could be good or bad). 2) You do invite him. But if you do–sit him down and have a serious conversation about how he behaved at the other party and how uncomfortable he made everyone. That might be enough to shock him into being on his best behavior. Good luck!
If he hadn’t harassed you, I would have said yes. His rudeness would deter me from inviting him at this point.
Yes, this is my exact drama in so many words that I’m going through now with invitations…and I plan on sending these out this week. I’m firm on not inviting “Joe” if there is a chance that Joe will make me miserable or knowing that there is a recipe for disaster makes me uncomfortable. It is my big day. Why should Joe ruin it? I understand that the FI may want Joe there because he has been an old friend and there is a risk he may lose Joe as a friend if there is no invite sent. Again, the wedding is about US. It’s all or none. If I say nay, FI says yes, or the other way around, sorry, no invite. If your wedding is intimate, apologize that the list had to be cut to a smaller group of people.
I feel that you shouldn’t invite anyone to your wedding that you don’t want there. Inviting him because you feel obligated may make him happy, but chances are you’ll be anxious about his behavior, and additional stress on your wedding day is not something you need.
doesn’t really sound like a “friend” to me. i say no.
If he was/is your friend, I’m not sure why you are treating him like this. From the way you describe the stituation, it does not sound like you are friends (at least I wouldn’t let a friend find out I’d invited everyone but them). If he was a friend, you would have sent him an invitation along with your other friends. It sounds more like this guy thinks you and your FI are friends with him, when really you don’t care for him or his behaviour. Does your FI agree?
It sounds like you don’t really like this guy. Don’t string him along. Tell him he isn’t invited, but this will also end your “friendship” with him.
I agree with Lucy and Miss Strawberry, I would say state firmly that you do not want a guest, that has harassed you for weeks (?), at your wedding. He is the one with the bad behavior, really, someone who has common sense would realize that after their atrocious behavior, they may not be invited afterwards. I would just not let any more time pass either way- go with your gut feeling!
I’m inclined to say don’t invite him. If it were something minor and everyone rolled their eyes and went “Oh Joe” but then laughed about it, that would be one thing. But he has made you doubt yourself, and that’s one thing you don’t need on the happiest day of your life! Obviously he doesn’t see (or want to admit) his problems, because he plays them off as no big deal by pretending they don’t exist, so it seems as though talking to him would merit a similar response.
My only hesitation is your birthday party incident. If he wasn’t invited to that, yet chose to come anyway, could that not happen with your wedding, especially since he has seen the invites and has access to the info? Telling him not to come might not really do anything to deter him. Tell him not only is he not invited, but that security (he doesn’t have to know if there really isn’t any!) will be specifically on the lookout for him.
If he apologizes or throws the whole “I thought we were friends” thing at you, tell him he’s on thin ice, but if he can straighten up then the friendship can continue, after the wedding. Tell him at this point the wedding is not an option for him based on his past behavior. That way you can feel ok that he’s not apologizing just to go to the wedding. If there’s no wedding for him no matter what, and he drops you, then obviously you made the right choice…
I think Joe should be held accountable for his actions. Perhaps the next time he confronts you about an invitation you can sidestep the question and tell him you are concerned about his behavior because, whether he remembers or not, he DID behave inappropriately at the birthday party. This would be the perfect opportunity for Joe to reassure you that he will behave in a mature and civil way, which may help you decide what to do…
And if you do decide to invite him, maybe you can arrange your seating so that he isn’t at the same table or very close to Susie.
Good Job Lucy! I agree with advice #2. If he’s truly your friend, he shouldn’t get upset with the talk. If he does get all truculent, then just tell him he obviously doesn’t value your friendship and you can’t have him at your wedding.
It’s your day so why even risk it. Even if you have a talk with him and he agrees to your terms, you know he is going to misbehave.
The question is, which is the real Joe? The maybe quirky/pesky pal (who had too much to drink and made an out-of-character goof he’s apologized for by now I hope), or the now assertive aggressive creep you don’t need anywhere near your wedding, friends, and family?
Amen Laura K! Don’t invite him if you don’t want him there, but be an adult and tell him that. It’s bad enough that this guy is about to find out that his “friends” don’t want him around (sounds like with good reason), but to string him along is just making it worse.
He is taking a situation that was awkward to begin with and forcing it down your throat. I think you should tell him over the phone that you did not invite him but put off telling him bc you feel bad- just tell him that given your history, you would just feel uncomfortable. That lets you at least focus on sort of good things that just didn’t work out. If you bring up the thing with your friend, or how rude his is being, that will make him really defensive, and it sounds like you’re not ready to end the friendship yet. If he chooses to still be mad, that should be his problem. I have a former bf I am still very good friends with, and I know he expects an invitation, but I plan to have a talk with him about how it just feels uncomfortable having him at a day that is all about my marriage. I know he will understand, and I feel bad but am not afraid of losing his friendship.
Remember, this is your special day and when you see him at your wedding, you’re going to feel unhappy that he’s there. You don’t deserve that. And given that he’s being a jerk about his invitation, it sounds like he doesn’t deserve to be there at all anyway. Of course, you can tell him about the other reasons to make things easier, but realize for yourself that you making your day the way you want it is the most valid reason of all.
I didn’t read everyone else’s suggestions, so forgive me if I’m redundant, but I think you should definitely not invite him.
We’ve had problems on our guest list as far as people who think they’re entitled to be invited. What it comes down to is that we want our wedding to be a celebration with our loved ones. Anyone we don’t know, or who has been rude to us in the past is not invited. Sure, it’s been awkward when they think they’re invited, but as FI has said to me, “If they don’t get an invitation, they won’t know where the wedding is.” That way, they can’t come.
In your situation, it sounds like it would just make your wedding awkward for everyone if “Joe” attended.
Chalk up another vote for not inviting him. Not only has he been rude by flat out asking for an invite, but he was rude at that party as well. I know technically you’re supposed to take the high road and all but personally- I’d tell him flat out why he wasn’t invited. He doesn’t seem to be a person you’d want to be friends with going forth anyway.
I think you already know in your heart that you do not want to and will not invite him, but you feel bad about it. You owe him no explanation, he worked himself off your guest list. Should he confront you again then just tell him the truth, and if he is a real friend he’d be understanding and get over it. Some people just aren’t worth the fuss. Careful that he doesn’t get so bitter that he just shows up on his own like he did with the bday party.
good grief. forget it. no question, I wouldn’t invite him.
Don’t invite him. At some point you realize that “friends” who make you uncomfortable, harrass you and generally make any interaction with them unpleasant, are not real friends and you don’t need them in your life.
You have no obligation to be nice to someone who has regularly been rude to you simply because he knows you and knows everyone you know and therefore you think of him as a friend. In college you acquire a lot of “friends” like that. Your real friends will not care if he is not there; they will care if he’s there and upsets people.
Tell him straight up that he’s not invited. Make it clear so that he can’t tell himself his invitation got lost or something and take it upon himself to show up anyway. If you want to say it’s because he’s been a jerk or whatever, you can, or not, as you like. It doesn’t sound like having this guy mad at you is really going to detract any from your life.
And block him from your IM, too.
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Mrs. Plum, Dallas Age and Occupation in 06: 22, Accountant by day/Floral and Event Designer by night and weekends Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Security Admin Engagement Date: December 31, 2004 Wedding Date: June 29, 2007 Venue: Marie Gabrielle Restaurant and Gardens About Me: I have been engaged for about two years now - yes, a long engagement, because my fiance and I wanted to wait until I graduated college, which I did this past summer! He proposed after dating just two months - crazy, I know, but 2 years later, here we are, still crazy in love :-). We are having not one, but TWO weddings and TWO receptions in one weekend - American-style and Vietnamese-style - in Dallas, Texas, where I was born and raised!
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