Open Question
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Open Question: In-Law Woes
May 9th, 2007 @ 1:33 pm by Open Question
Since the beginning of my relationship with FI over 3 1/2 years ago, his brother and (now) sister-in-law have been rude and horribly disrespectful to me. About a year and a half ago, they started attacking FI’s parents and FI, making cutting remarks and excluding them from their child’s life and major events/holidays/etc. FI tried talking to his brother dozens of times over that year about how he and his wife treat us, but he blamed his wife and made some excuses. Nothing happened. We decided to try ignoring their poor behavior– we invited them to holiday gatherings and gave gifts to them & their child for birthdays and holidays. I guess you could say we took the route of *kill them with kindness* and hoped they’d come around. They didn’t and things just went from bad to worse.
Then, five months ago, FI’s brother and wife made a very sudden, very public scene in front of FI and all his friends. They screamed at him that they hate me, that we are trying to make them look bad, that we’ve spread rumors around to friends about them. Nevermind that it wasn’t true, they just kept screaming some pretty unforgivable things. FI and I decided after days of tears that they would not be welcome in our home or at our wedding. We told FI’s parents and asked that they respect our decision. At first they did, but recently I found out that they didn’t. They’ve been bringing it up to FI when I leave the room, when he’s at work, or when they know I’m not home. FI told them to stay out of it, that the decision stands, and that if his brother had a problem with it *he* should be calling to talk (since he hasn’t called in over a year). Yesterday, FI’s parents rescinded their wedding gift (which we were using to help pay for the wedding).
FI and I are fighting more than ever, and now we’re talking about cancelling the wedding. Part of me says, “screw it, just invite them and be done with it,” but the other part of me wants to have that magical day without having to remind myself to stay on my toes and avoid them. We know that another public display is in store. We dread feeling uncomfortable and anxious at our own wedding if they were to attend. What should we do?
farmgal
22 Responses to “Open Question: In-Law Woes”
Farmgal, it sounds to me like your instincts are correct. I think you deserve a special day surrounded by people who love you, not a day that will be marred by a scene or you being on edge the whole time.
First, congrats to your FI for sticking to the decision the two of you made. Shame on his parents for not respecting that.
How long do you have until your wedding? Can you downsize it to an event you and your FI can afford on your own without the money from his parents? If you can cancel or rework vendor contracts to make that possible, that’s what I would do. I think it is very unfair of his parents to blackmail you like that–if it is truly a “gift,” it comes without strings. It doesn’t sound to me like they were giving you a gift but rather were trying to use their “gift” to control you and your FI and your decisionmaking. It’s fine for whoever holds the purse strings to make decisions, but then don’t call that a gift.
Stick to your guns and to whatever budget you and your FI can create yourselves. I bet his parents will come around and understand, even if they still won’t contribute financially.
Good luck!
Hi FarmGal -
I went through a very similar situation and would be happy to email with you - I know how awful you feel.
If you are interested just respond to my post and I’ll be in touch.
Elope…… just kidding (kinda). Sounds like a rough spot that you’re in. I agree with the above posters, see what you can downsize and invite those that you want to be there. You may want to seek the counsel of someone you trust (priest, minister, counselor) to see if they have any suggestions and just use them as a sounding board. I wouldn’t suggest a friend - although certainly use them to lean on and vent to, but find someone third party like and they may even offer to help mediate between you and your in laws. Also, if you and FI are fighting a lot over this, then I’d see if they wouldn’t mind sitting down with the two of you. Again, only do this if you feel comfortable with it, just ideas and suggestions of things that have helped me. Good luck.
Stand firm with your decision. It’s been made pretty clear that they “dislike” you (and wouldn’t enjoy being at the wedding anyway). It’s harder said than done, but I am very proud of your FI for standing up to them and to prevent what can be a very bad situation at your own wedding. If they are going to make a scene then you must stand firm with your decision. Unfortunately, there will be a family rift because of it, but it’s no fault of yours. It seems like Fi’s parents have resorted to threatening you two (ie. taking away the gift) and trying to plead with your Fi (because he’s likely the nicer one to deal with). Parents just want to unite their kids and feel responsible for any rifts. This is a very difficult decision. Remember one thing..either way you go, the consequences are your own to live with (irregardless of how unfair and selfish they are behaving). Either they come and cause a possible scene and take away your happiness for the day or they don’t show and you will enjoy your day but also deal with “family drama” after that. I have the feeling that with the way they have behaved, inviting them back to your wedding isn’t going to change how they act or feel, so that’s why I say stand by your decision and enjoy YOUR day. If you cancel the wedding, the situation won’t go away. They will still be a-holes. The gift money that you were going to intend to use for your wedding…try to borrow it somewhere else and pay the person back asap with the wedding money. In addition, I would be really surprised if they cause a public scene at your wedding. That is just embarrassing and a poor reflection on themselves, not you.
If they hate you (for whatever insane reason) why would they even want to come to the wedding? These people sound awful, sorry.
i’m soo sorry that you have to go through this. My brother went through this with his inlaws. my prayers are with you and hope that you find a peaceful and positive decision somehwere along the road!
Same question as Sally- would your BIL and his wife even attend if they were invited?
Would it help if you had a smaller separate family reception so that everyone could celebrate together but the trouble won’t happen at the real wedding?
Also, try talking to FI’s parents. Why do they want BIL&SIL there, if they know how hurtful they can be? You say that SIL attacks the parents too, so how could they not understand?
So sorry you’re going through all this.
farmgal, that’s awful! i’m so sorry that you have to go through this =(
you mentioned that you’ve considered inviting them and being done with it, but that doesn’t really solve the problem. as miss snowpea said, the problem will remain even after your wedding day, and i think that the way this issue is handled can carry over into the rest of your lives.
i’m not suggesting one course of action or another (or passing judgment in any way), but think about the implications of backing down from your position in exchange for money.
and hurray for your fiance for standing up to his parents and supporting/defending you!
It’s your day. Don’t let others dictate it for you.
We did a destination wedding to minimze the drama. If you are on an island, it makes it more difficult for someone to crash the wedding and you can be more selective in the guest list.
I agree with penquin. Be very open with your FIL about your feelings on the matter and ask them point-blank why they want them there. If they only ask about it when you are not there, then they think that their son will take care of it and you will not be involved. Make it known that this was a mutual decision from the beginning and that if they want their son and DIL there they need to explain why, and not just “because he’s your brother.”
I am going through a similar situation with my FSIL, although not quite as bad. I think you have made the right decision in taking the high road. It sounds like it doesn’t matter what road you take, the IL’s will act the way they will. That being said, I say do what makes you happy and feel good about your special day. You will have to deal with them for the rest of your lives, why not have at least one day when you can breath a sigh of relief that there is no drama? Ultimately, the decisions being made by his family are just that - THEIR decisions. If his parents want to rescind their offer, this may be hard for you financially, but it will probably be less costly (in more ways that one!) to adjust your wedding accordingly and pay for it on your own. You are taking responsibility for your decisions, let them take the responsibility for theirs and let them live with the consequences that they have created. It’s not your fault! Don’t let them drag you down with them.
In respect (or lack there of!) to your FBIL saying horrible things to your FI & expressing his hate for you, I say let him go on his little tirades and keep doing what you need to do to enjoy your wedding. Stick to your guns, sister, you will be glad you did so down the road…
Of course I don’t know the details of the conflict, but I would think very carefully about NOT inviting them to the wedding. It is a decision that you will have to live with for the rest of your marriage–especially if you reconcile with the brother-in-law, which does happen. There is also the issue of your parents-in-law, and it is probably hard for them that they are having problems with one of their children, and of course, they would like everyone to be at the wedding and get along. May be they will surprise you. Perhaps you should talk to the b-i-l directly. May be you could get someone in your fiance’s family that knows about the situation to run interference on the day to keep them out of our hair. Weddings are very delicate things, and even though the bride and groom always want it to be “their special day,” a lot of people feel like they have a stake in weddings. Parents and siblings and grandparents…Your wedding is important to all these people. And they are probably thinking about it as a family event just as much as about it as “your special day” It is just one of the things that make weddings so stressful. The stakes are set very high, and there is a lot of room for people to be hurt–whether intentionally or not.
I know how hurtful and painful this can be - I am also going through a similar situation. It’s a terrible position to be in. Ultimately, it is only up to you and your fianc© to decide what you are both comfortable with. My only advice would be to make sure that you both are on the same page.
I am sorry and hope that everything works out for you.
Congrats to you and your fiance for having a united front on this one. IMO that is the most important thing to focus on throughout all of this. You are definitely going to have a tough road ahead of you if this is how his family acts, so you may as well practice dealing with it now!
I’m sure that is SUPER hard for his parents, because to them, it probably seems like he is “choosing” you over them. That is so sucky that they’re being like this.
I say encourage your FI to reach out to his brother, because honestly they may be back in your lives someday, and you would have to have the memory of your wedding “hanging over” you. If BIL is not receptive, I don’t see what else you can do except have the best wedding you can without them, and without the financial support of his parents. I would NOT cancel the wedding, because that is just letting them run your lives. You need to do what is best for you and your FI, because you are a family now. Good luck!
It’s a no-win. Would continue to let FI lead the way and set the tone with his family.
Kat and LS have very good points. I am sure Fil’s just want to see their children united on this important event. (Just as Fil’s have been talking to Fi about inviting Fbil/Fsil to the wedding, Fil’s are probably also trying to convince Fbil to get his wife to chill out and be “nice” for this one day). If so, is it possible to strike a compromise with Fil’s. You will invite them to wedding IF Fil’s can guarantee that Fsil/Fbil won’t make a scene. That way you can have some peace of mind that Fsil won’t act up that day AND if she does, it will be on the Fils because you did your part by inviting them. If they behave and years down the road, you reconcile, you won’t have the “oh but you didn’t invite us to your wedding” hanging over your head.
But they have been abusive to Fils as well? That’s just…wrong.
You that rule about how you should never say something bad about your girlfriends’ exes when they have broken up, because you never know when they will get back together and then your bff will say, “But you said my sweetie was ANNOYING!”? Well, I think families are the same way. It is easy for parents to forgive their children. In general I think forgiveness is a great thing, but it can be difficult when you are on the outside thinking that the boy really is annoying and your bff is like, “OH! He’s just the BEST!”
Thanks, gals, for all the support and advice!!!! I knew this was the right way to go…
Yes, this has been a terrible situation for so long. I’ve stressed over it, cried over it, and gotten angry over it since it began over 3 years ago. It’s gotten worse over the years. FSIL won’t even let FMIL hold her grandchild! They also won’t let FI see her b’c he wants to bring me to see her too (since she’ll be my niece too in 4 months– not to mention all the gifts I’ve given the child). I can get over what they do to me, but I can’t get over how they treat the family. And they get away with it! That’s what I don’t understand.
FPIL def. want the family back the way it used to be (before FSIL came along 5 yrs ago). They don’t want to see that it may not be possible. While I can understand that, they should also recognize that their unwillingness to even ack. what’s been going on in front of them (in their own home nonetheless) has propelled the situation. IMO, inviting them or not isn’t going to change the situation. It will, however, change me & FI’s memories of that day, and I don’t want it to be for the worse.
We’re going the loan route as Ms. Snow Pea suggested (thanks!!!) b’c it makes the most sense and we’ll be string-free. Still trying to get FI to elope, thistleorchid! 
Thanks again ladies! You’ve helped so much!!!
Others of you said you’re in the same situation– feel free to email me at rightbraind at gmail dot com.
We’ve gone through the same situation once, and now again with my FILs. As soon as one was resolved, another situation was brought up. We stuck to our decision for the first one, but now it is so close that I just need the drama to be over. It is another situation with the FILs are suggesting they may pull out of the wedding if we don’t give in…. I left my Fi to decide since I just am sick of the drama. I know if we give in now, it will be like that forever, but just can’t cry and discuss it anymore… with only a month left, I won’t let them ruin it!
the loan route sounds good. often people give “gifts” of money and in return, they demand power. although it may be more difficult, it’s better to stand your ground and not be subject to anyone on this day.
best of luck!
i agree with the above- this is your day that you can’t have a do-over with and you need to do what makes you happy. although it may be hard to sacrifice your FIL’s financial support, it sounds like their “gift” isn’t really a gift since it comes with strings attached which, in turn, have permanent repercussions. in other words, their cash isn’t free and it’s horrible that they’re using it as leverage to manipulate your relationships. in the end- the only thing you can control is your own happiness and your love for your fiance. i say- take what you have in front of you (it’s more than what alot of us have) and run with it! good luck
So sorry to hear that you have to go through this! If I have learnt anything recently it’s that you need to live your life for yourselves.
As hard as it is, you need to make a conscious decision to step away and surround yourself with positive people. I tried to do the same where I flooded the people involved with kindness - it’s was never enough… then when I totally backed off (stopped calling, stopped visiting, stopped trying) I suddenly found that they made an effort to be on my good side.
I too believe that a ‘gift’ should come without strings; if there is fine print that comes along with it then you are better off without it!
Goodluck!!
